Becoming Something

A Michael Chabon reading: The Memory Hole

Daily Gratitudes

1. When Lulu spilled strawberry soy milk all over my supper and my freshly washed and dried favourite clothes, and I sulked upstairs in baggy jeans and Jude's shirt because all my long sleeved shirts are too tight or have strawberry soy milk on them, Jude brought me a plate with a new fajita on it and listened to me blubber about a Michael Chabon essay.
2. Hot water.
3. Still no snow.
4. My little camera.
5. Freedom and people who gave and continue to give their lives for Freedom's cause.

Monopoly hell and swine flu

Our family is playing Monopoly.   Yes, right now.  Why am I blogging, then?  So I don't kill myself.  The only thing worse than playing Monopoly is playing Monopoly with five people. And some of them are frequently loud for no reason *cough* Josie *cough*.  In fact we've instituted a $10 fine for shrieking for no reason.

We've been playing for 45 minutes and I only just made it past Go.  If my strategy was to creep along the ghetto, buying Baltic and St. Charles Place because I may never even see Boardwalk from a distance never mind visit it or buy it, then you could say I'm the savviest player ever.  While everyone else was whipping around the board, buying up all the sexy real estate, I was starting to think the best I could hope for was owning all of the fuchsia property because I'd roll a two and then a one.  I seem incapable of rolling anything past a three, so it seemed logical despite the fact that we're playing with two dice.

Alas, no such luck.

Hey, I did manage to snag New York Avenue and I've yet to lash out in any way that might land me in jail-- no theft of Park Place, no indecent exposure.  So, I may not be a tycoon but I am really holding it together.

. . .

Just when the injustice was so palpable that I was going to be scraping it from my tongue before bed, I landed on Boardwalk.  And OH did I buy it.  I bought it with pomp and circumstance.  I bought it all over the place.  Then, just as I was about to explain The Law of Mom Karma-- the woman who made the playing of Monopoly possible by spitting the swine flu-coughing players forth from her womb garden gets her cosmic just desserts-- I realised I had moved the wrong piece.

No Boardwalk for me.  But, I did manage to make it past Go!

I had the opportunity to buy Oriental Avenue but by that point I was too comfy in my crack house ghetto.  I didn't need no rich ghetto.  We are who we are.  We can hope for Boardwalk but when you're getting by in life, four Baltic rent fee dollars at a time, stuffed in your bra, let's be real:  you're never gonna be more than Baltic.  If you're really, really lucky, you'll stop narrowly missing Boardwalk and landing on Go three times in a row and you'll take just one more step over to Mediterranean and then maybe you can build houses and when people trespass on your property they'll have to pay you TWENTY DOLLARS.  Then maybe you can buy some milk for your 67 cats.

. . .

On the plus side, Montana, who was near broke just landed on Free Parking and scooped the pot, making Daisy, who practically IS the bank over there on the other side of the table, cry, "Games are not fair!"

Tell me about it.  I just passed Go only to have to give my $200 to Income Tax.

And Jude, the man I let sleep in my bed, just offered me Mediterranean for my Reading Railroad.  Reading Railroad that cost me $200 to buy, my only good fortune in this game, for a $60 Mediterranean. AND HE SAID IT WITH A STRAIGHT FACE.  "I'm just trying to help you out," he said. "So, you can upgrade from welfare to maybe a nice job at McDonald's."  Not that we'd make fun of people on welfare or working at McDonald's.  Ahem.

But nevermind.  I just landed in jail.  I think I'll just chill here for a bit.  There's a guy here in leopard print with a really nice cane and he winked at me.  I think my luck might be turning.

Daily Gratitudes

1. Daisy, the Girl of A Hundred Expressions, is really cute tonight, especially with all her pathetic swine flu coughing.
2. It's almost bedtime.
3. I have a brand new Dove cucumber antiperspirant to break in.  Always nice to have something to look forward to.
4. Jude and I are going to watch Shaun of the Dead tonight.  A British spoof on Dawn of the Dead.
5. I actually just lost the Monopoly game by $15.  To Daisy.  Which makes me happy because then life can be more fair for her.  I already had low expectations.

Where the Wild Things Are: A parenting what-not-to-do story

So, Max says, "I'll eat you up!"  We're not told how he said it.  Did he say it playfully?  Was he pretending to be a monster?  Does he have a history of back talk with his mother?  We are left with either having to extend the mother some benefit of the doubt or assuming that the woman is a bit spazzy.  Because, sending a little kid to bed without his supper just for saying, while wearing a monster costume, "I'll eat you up!"?  I'm imagining her parenting Sin/Consequence chart must resemble this:

Saying "I'll eat you up!" = To bed without supper

Leaving your toys out = Smack on the bum

Hitting your little brother = Clean out the rain gutters

Telling me you hate me = Beaten to death

So, first the mom doesn't overlook Max's natural childishness.  She makes a big deal out of seemingly nothing. She's allowed to teasingly call him "Wild thing" but he's not allowed to pretend to be the wild thing?  She doesn't explain what he did wrong. 

Then, she doesn't choose a logical consequence.  Her consequence includes arguable cruelty (inflicting hunger pains on her child). 

Then when she realises she punished him in haste and she didn't have the heart to carry through with the punishment, she brings him his supper anyway, teaching him that he can behave how he wants and his mom won't follow through on her word. 

I've always had trouble looking past this part of the story.  I can never tell how I'm supposed to read the "I'll eat you up!" part.  I always read it like Max is really angry because he must be to justify her reaction but if you were reading this for the first time ever you might read it playfully and then you're all, "So he was sent to bed without eating anything." And then you're all confused, wondering if you read things wrong.

Yes, it's got great illustrations.  Yes, it's poetic. 

But isn't it also about how Max feels powerless and unappreciated so he loses himself in a world of imagination where he can be king and where the monsters love him so much they want to eat him so he can be a part of them forever? 

Maybe the point of the story is to highlight Max's mom's bad 1960's parenting and Max's coping mechanisms.  Maybe it's a story about the realism of parenting, how we are all prone to hasty disciplining and that we have the power to propel our kids to fantastical imagining for coping but that in the end, everything works out:  our kids forgive us and the love they know we have for them draws them back to us, even when we were stupid.

I haven't seen the movie yet.  I'm interested in the interpretation.

Daily Gratitudes

1. The stomach virus my daughter has doesn't seem to have hit me as hard. Guts still hurt though.
2. Lulu's 4th birthday party went off without a hitch and I wasn't sick for it.
3. Feeling peppy and happy despite reasons to be glum.
4. Still have not given in to my desire to eat sugar. 
5. Lulu is full of funny quotes lately.

Funy times 2

Checked my email.  Got a message from my son.  From the computer in the basement.  He's working on a big chapter novel about a place called Arnolia. 

"hi momm

 

i pute toghether a presintation abuot mi arnolia thingiy.

 

goe 2 mi googgle doks akcount andd u will see a videeo icon thate says arnolia.

 

have fun

 

(P.S. I really can spell, just did that because I find horribly misspelled things funny.)

 

luv u 

 

:)"

The "rilly" funny thing?  I didn't even notice that he was misspelling anything until I got to "thingiy".

Daily Gratitudes

1. My friend Katie's husband didn't die.
2. Jude let me sleep in this morning.  Took me a long time to fall asleep last night because I was itchy everywhere for no reason. 
3. Video chatting with faraway friends.
4. My grade one daughter is reading in French!
5. Grey's Anatomy is on tonight.  Vegggggg.

Gardisil pointless and dangerous? Merck researcher shares shocking info (CMB Post)

The Population Research Institute* is reporting on some shocking statements made by Dr. Diane Harper,  the leading international developer of the HPV vaccine, at the 4th Annual Public Conference on Vaccination on Gardisil the vaccine touted to prevent cervical cancer from HPV infections.

Here are some statistics that this Merck representative reportedly shared at this conference, taken directly from the Population Research Institute's article:

• 70% of HPV infections resolve themselves without treatment in one year.
• After two years, this rate climbs to 90%.
• Of the remaining 10% of HPV infections, only half coincide with the development of cervical cancer.
• 4 out of 5 women with cervical cancer are in developing countries (i.e. not the United States or Canada)
• 8 in 100,000 women will get cervical cancer.
• 1.3-3.7 will die from it.
• The cancer rate has been declining by 4% every year, since between 1955 to 1992 when the rate declined 74%, without any influence from a vaccine. [Link to American Cancer Society]
• There will be no decrease in cervical cancer until 70% of the population is vaccinated.
• The highest amount of decrease in cervical cancer will not be seen for 60 years.
• After 60 years, the highest predicted decrease will be 70%.
• No efficacy trials have been done on girls under 15.
• Merck did study a group of girls under 16 who had been vaccinated, but did not follow them long enough to conclude sufficient presence of effective HPV antibodies.
• If a child is vaccinated, she will not keep immunity until puberty and will need boosters.
• 15,037 girls have officially reported adverse side effects from Gardasil to the Vaccine Adverse Event Reporting System (VAERS).
• Adverse effects include Guilliane Barre, lupus, seizures, paralysis, blood clots, brain inflammation and many others.
• The CDC acknowledges that there have been 44 reported deaths.
• Dr. Harper  told ABC News that "The rate of serious adverse events is greater than the incidence rate of cervical cancer."

To read more on this (and I really, really, really urge you to and how often do I "really, really, really" urge anything? Never. That's the first time.), please click here.  This is an original post I've written for Canada Moms Blog and I'm not authorised to print the entire text.  You can comment here or there, your choice.

20 things for which I'm thankful on Canadian Thanksgiving

It's Canadian Thanksgiving.  With snow.  *eyeroll*

Jude and I went out for Indian food tonight which reminded me of my friends in Wales and just before we left the car to enter the restaurant, CBC radio was doing a piece on the Celtic genes of the Welsh, Irish and Scottish.  I got all sentimental and my eyes teared up.  

I am thankful for Indian food.  I am thankful for money to eat at restaurants.  I am thankful to be able to afford to travel.

Furthermore, in no particular order I'm thankful...

1. ... to have a babysitter who is trustworthy, enthusiastic, and who loves to talk with and play with our children.  I have never once wondered if she snoops through my stuff like I did when I babysat as a teen.  I don't worry that she's stealing anything or yelling at our kids.  Our kids listen to her because they are exceptionally well-behaved kids (I attribute most of that to LUCK) but also because they love and respect her.  Tears are literally coming to my eyes thinking of how grateful I am for her.


2. ...for the love of a good man who exemplifies this scripture from Doctrine & Covenants 121:
   
   
     41 No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned;
     42 By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile--
   
   I'm thankful that he walks the dog and takes such good care of us all.
   
   


3. ...to have a son and one so gifted and sensitive.  I would have had a very difficult time handling a hyper boy like a lot of little boys seem to be.  I'm thankful God didn't challenge me on that.  I love that Montana is developing a sense of humour that can hopefully weather some storms of the heart.  I think we're going to be good friends when he grows up.


4. ...for three daughters who are thoughtful, sweet, smart, assertive, and fun.  I'm looking forward to my kids being teenagers.


5. ...for some of the loveliest people on earth as my friends.  I can think of five people who have loved me intensely and pretty much unconditionally, teaching me that I can love that way too.  Three of these people, in particular, have loved me despite evidence of craziness, impatience, neediness, hypocrisy, lostness, made up wordage, and have changed me for the better.  I would be a lesser person were it not for their forgiveness and patience and gushy love.


6. ...for available health care.  I keep hearing stories of people who were denied health insurance for the stupidest, evilest reasons and I love that I have never had much by way of complaint of our health care system.  I never give it a thought or a care!  One woman emailed me a story today about how she was without health care for 18 months, for no good reason, and how she had to opt for a $10,000 deductible at another point, just so she could afford any coverage.  I get to spend my money on hair dye and super expensive health food and overpriced international shipping because I don't spend thousands a month on health care.  After reading her story I felt like should never complain about anything ever again.


7. ...for hair conditioner because without it, I'd just have pixie hair.


8. ...for friends who send me music they think I'll love and I usually do.


9. ...to have television and to occasionally get lost in a show or movie.  What a luxury.


10. ...for loud rain storms.


11. ...for a fireplace on a cold day.


12. ...for handmade gifts.


13. ...for being a better person, overall, than I was five years ago.


14. ...for a digital camera.  It's not great but it does the job and it's such a luxury.


15. ...artsy people who care about near-lost arts:  embroidery, letter writing, beautiful handwriting, knitting.


16. ...for people who take the time to learn acoustic guitar so people like me can have something beautiful and soulful and relaxing to listen to.


17. ...for not having to shower everyday because my hair is dry and I don't sweat much and usually when I do, I don't smell.


18. ...also, for flushable wet wipes.  One of the best inventions of the past ten years.


19. ...for reliable vehicles that we own outright and will drive to the death.


20. ...for little tools like nail cutters and tweezers and band-aids and pony tail holders and other such small inventions that make life easier and cleaner.

Oh, and I dyed my hair darker because the bleaching has caused major breakage.  I'm thankful that it turned out not bad for $15.  What a great era in which to live.  Never has vanity been easier.

Acceptance for everything you hate about your life

Remember when I said I was going to write about the fourth agreement of the book The Four Agreements? And then remember when I said I sat down to do that and had been having all these peaceful thoughts and out of the blue I had some sort of anxiety or panic attack?

Well, I'm back and ready to write about that again.

But first, I'd like to take a moment to comment on the Oprah episode today that featured Stephanie Nielson and her family.

Stephanie is a blogger and a Mormon who survived a plane crash a year and two months ago.  The news quickly swept through the blogosphere and people raised money and sent money for her medical bills and whatever else it was needed for, as well as cards and gifties and lots and lots of prayers.

Stephanie was a very pretty woman before her accident and she is now scarred up and has had to have many surgeries to reconstruct her face.  I was so, so happy when she said, comparing her old physical make up to her new physical make up, "That was then and it was beautiful and lovely and this is now and it's beautiful and lovely."  I hope people who heard that will sit with it for a while and think about how that kind of sentiment could be true for many situations.  She was pretty before, true.  But so are lots of people, big deal.  How many people can say that they survived an exploding plane and burns on 80% of their bodies?  How many people could say that they made a choice to fight for their lives so they could struggle to open a bag of carrots?

1.  I think Stephanie actually does look great.  Her medical team has done a great job.  2.  Her face tells a beautiful story that I'm sure she probably feels privileged to tell.  Where before she was a very pretty girl who wouldn't really stand out in a sea of pretty people she is now a beautiful hero who stands out in the blogosphere, in her community, in her family, on OPRAH!, at church....  And besides, she now has luscious Angelina Jolie lips and she only had to get into a plane crash and almost die to get them!  ;-)  It's all a matter of perspective.

Which brings me to the woman who visited with Stephanie in her home.  She had written to Oprah saying that she hated being a stay-at-home mom, that it wasn't creative, that it was boring and menial labour, basically.  So, Oprah sent her to Stephanie's home and she came away with a new perspective.

I felt for this woman because I've said those same things myself.  I've even said something similar to her statement that playing with play-doh makes her want to kill herself, being facetious, of course.

The Fourth Agreement is to always do your best.  But the key to remember is that your best is going to change from day to day, from year to year.  And the point is not to strive for excellence so that you can have something to point to in order to receive admiration or to avoid judgment.  It's so that you can have peace, fill the measure of your creation, and grow. 

In order to do your best you have to have the ability to give yourself an honest appraisal.  A lot of people struggle to be truly self-aware because it hurts too much.  You have to be able to look at what you're not doing without falling all over yourself in remorse and hate for how imperfect you are.  And that's where acceptance comes in.

Cloudy With a Chance of Kvetching

We took our kids to go see Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs.  Not the 3D version, unfortunately. It's okay-- I expect to get over my disappointment before the end of the year. 

The theatre was blazing hot.  I considered saying something but, you know, I'm Canadian.  We suffer instead.  

So, the movie is fantastic. Laugh-out-loud funny many times. Chicken Brent was awesome.  The Jello Land was fantastic.  And it didn't hurt that the belle of the movie has green eyes. *bats eyes*  

You know it has to have conflict at some point and if you've ever read the book you already know what's going to happen.  Still, whenever we see movies the kids are always surprised when things get a bit rough for a time.  Lulu said she was scared and Daisy started to cry. 

Then, 10 minutes before the movie was done Daisy started to freak out because she was hot (and tired, and scared, but mainly hot).  And I was annoyed because I hate being hot myself.  (Like, as if you didn't know that already.  People in China know that about me.  I only complain about it on my Facebook wall, on your Facebook wall, and every other chance I can get, mainly just to let out all the hot air, you know.)  

I suggested that she take her shirt off because we were in a dark theatre and she's only six.  "No! I'll look ugly!" she protests.  I resisted to the urge to say, "You're totally right and I want you emblazon this upon your brain right now."  Instead I just thought, Ha. Tell that to Penthouse.

So, I scooped her up and marched out, her crying, and told the people running the place that it was super hot and my daughter couldn't handle it and now we're going to miss the end of the movie.  "Well, you should have told us earlier."  "Well, I didn't anticipate that it would get so bad that my daughter would cry to leave."  Plus, I'm Canadian. I said that I'd like a refund on her ticket and they agreed, no problem but the cool air had cooled Daisy down enough that we could go back in but not before I took her tights off to relieve her and not before I heard the one woman tell the other that the setting in the theatre was 85 degrees. !!! IT'S NOT EVEN WINTER!  

I was thinking when we left the theatre that the cold air would be refreshing for everyone at least until we made it back to our van but as soon as we got outside everyone was complaining, "I'm coooold!" 

As Josie and I were the last to climb into the van Daisy whiningly screeched to Josie, "Shut the door! I'm COLD!"  "Well, it's not MY fault!" she said back with exaggerated indignation. 

"Dad, can you turn on the heat?!"

"I'm cold!"

"And I'm really thirsty!"

"Geez," I say. "You guys would have made terrible pioneer children."  Jude laughed.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Josie asks.

"It means, can we have a little more complaining?!"  Jude laughs.  "It's not dark enough outside!  Sheesh, you call THIS 'night'?" 

I giggled an amount inappropriate for his little joke, in part because I was trying to imagine something blacker than black.  

"That's not a funny joke!" Daisy ironically complained again, unaware of how we were making fun of her. And that just did us in.  We burst out laughing and I actually got a stitch in my side and choked on my saliva.  Man, I'm sexy. 

"Stop laughing!!"

So, basically it was a typical exhausted complain-fest after we doted upon them blessings some hungry kids in Africa only dream of.  Two thumbs up!

(Oh, and I never did ask for a refund because we ended up going back in and were able to finish watching the movie.  I just let it go.)

Daily Gratitudes

1. My t-shirt order came on time to send a gift package out.
2. We don't have snow yet.  Mind you, it will probably come tomorrow.
3. I'm so glad I learned in school to type properly.
4. My kids have good schools to go to with good teachers and principals who care about them.
5. My friends.

The most botched LDS child's baptism ever

(Remember when I said my next post would be about the fourth agreement of The Four Agreements?  Well, I changed my mind.)

This post is about the most botched LDS child's baptism ever-- my daughter's.

Our daughter turned 8 in August and as is custom and doctrine in our religion, she was to be baptised.  But, I was in the UK for her birthday and the remainder of August.  As well, she wanted to invite her school teacher from last year and the school teacher's phone number is unlisted so we had to wait until school started.

We planned it for tomorrow.  It seems that most baptisms in our ward take place on Saturdays so it didn't even occur to me to have it on a week night-- a brilliant idea because I hate spending my Saturdays on religion.  Saturday is a special day, it's the day we get all our partying in that we can't do on Sunday. Obviously.

So.  I tell our Primary president-- Primary being the children's organisation where they sings songs and learn stuff and meet on Sunday for two hours-- that we'll be having Josie's baptism on Saturday at 4:00 and I ask if she can announce it in our Primary meeting on Sunday.  "Okay!" she chirps cheerfully.

So, they get to the announcements and first it's announced that Tyson's baptism is at 2:00.

GREAT.  No one, including the Primary president mentioned to me that there was already a baptism only two hours away from our intended baptism.

I thought it would be unlikely that in our small ward another child would be having his baptism on the same day.  We're supposed to have joint baptisms when children's birthdays are close together.  Now our local church leaders have to attend TWO baptisms.  On a SATURDAY.  The funnest day of the week.  And they don't get paid to attend because our church runs on volunteerism. 

Not only that, it would mean they would have to rush out of the church or at least be quiet while we were starting OUR baptism. 

I asked the counselor in the bishopric-- we'll call him "Brother Bailey"-- if he'd be okay coming to BOTH baptisms.  He's in his 60's, I think, and I don't think he's overly booked these days and also he's a bit of a family friend, so I thought he wouldn't mind.  He confirmed that he was fine to "hang out all day". 

Score.

But later my friend Pam phoned to ask if we could push the time back to 5.  There's a pianist playing in a nearby city and they are going to the matineé and won't make it back on time for 4:00 and they really want to come.  Rachel, our babysitter wouldn't think of missing Josie's baptism!

"Uh, sure. I guess 5 is okay."

I tell Nicole, Adria's best friend's mom, about the time change. "Oh! We're going to the evening concert.  That's cutting it close.... I guess we'll just leave immediately after....  And try to grab some food before 7."

SIGHHHHHH.  So, now our baptism is convenient for the Thompsons but not so much convenient for Nicole and her family. Oh well.  It will have to do.

So, today is Friday.  I realised that I hadn't phoned Brother Bailey yet to tell him that we've changed the time to 5:00.

Sister Pat Bailey answered the phone.  Gosh, she sounded young.  She sounded like Catherine Bailey. (These are fake names I'm using here.)

I told her that there's a time change, that Brother Bailey said he'd be at the baptism at 4 and it's actually at 5.  And is that a problem because I know he's going to Tyson's baptism at 2.

"There's a baptism at 2?  And he said he'd officiate?"

"Yes."

Murmurs of confusion and extreme politeness followed from Catherine because Brother Bailey was planning on being at the same concert everyone else is going to.  Brother Bailey walked in the house and she passed the phone to him.  HE didn't sound confused at all.  We talked about how this concert was in conflict with both baptisms and how it's too bad that no one in the Bishopric mentioned the schedule conflict. He told me that we're really supposed to have joint baptisms where possible and it would have been great if we could have had it in the morning.  I said I'd phone Tyson's parents on the off chance that we could change the baptisms.

Tyson's parents were not home.  So, I left a message saying I realise they probably have family coming but if it's at all possible that we can combine them, then could they let me know?

I phoned my friend JQ to see if she's going to be there representing the Primary organisation.  She said no, she was going to go as our neighbor, and Sister "Watley" was going for Primary.  I said that it's really becoming inconvenient and I wish we could change the time. She suggested a week night.  I realised that would be brilliant.  I decided to change it.  We didn't have many people to notify.

I let Jude know we're going to change it.  He confirmed that's better, far less stressful. Let's do it Friday night, the 25th.

Josie started to cry.  She wanted it to be tomorrow and she already invited her teachers.

CARRRP.  I forgot about that!  UGH.

Her grade two teacher said she couldn't come but her current teacher said she might be able to attend.

I checked the phone book. Number unlisted. Checked online.  Someone with her last name in her town was listed.  I figured chances were good they knew her.  I was correct.  I got her phone number and left a message, feeling mildly embarrassed that we JUST invited her TODAY and now we're having to change it. 

What a relief, however, that I was able to leave a message.  I'd be mortified if she drove in from a separate town for nothing.  And then what would we do?  Invite her AGAIN?  Ha.

Then Jude casually said, "I guess we have a cake to eat then."

ARGH!!!  I forgot that he brought a cake home while I was on the phone with someone.  I never saw it and we didn't get a chance to discuss it. 

He pulled the cake out.  It's big.  Enough to feed at least 30 people.  It has fruit on it, cream icing and says, "On your baptism".  And the blueberries were clearly frozen and had bled into the icing, which looked terrible and I'm totally going to complain about that, because... 

"How much did it cost? Was it a lot?"

"Yes."

"How much?"

"Well, I tipped her too so it was $50."

"FIFTY DOLLARS?!!  We just talked about our budget for the rest of the month!  You're supposed to talk to me about purchases first."

(Now, I must confess, I didn't okay my purchase today with him but I didn't spend $50 on a freakin' CAKE!  I spent it on nail polish.) 

(Haha.  That was a joke.  I don't use nail polish.)

"It's not a lot of money.  $50.  We've wasted far more money in the past."  And by "we" he COMPLETELY and POINTEDLY meant ME.

"Yes, but not on a CAKE."

"Well, I didn't want you to have to make a cake."

"WHEN DO I EVER MAKE CAKE?!  AS IF I was going to make a cake."

"We had to buy food and this would have taken care of the dessert."

"Yes, and it's lovely BUT, I was not going to be spending $50 on DESSERT.  We need some supper food."

And you know, had we not just talked about our new budget and saving money for traveling and such, and if were WERE actually having a baptism, I would not have been upset over a $50 cake and I would have thought he was very thoughtful and proactive and lovely and that it was a very nice surprise.  But those were not the circumstances.

"Had I known you had spent $50 on CAKE, I would have said to everyone, 'So sorry if you can't make it but we're having it Saturday at 5 because we have a cake that cost FIFTY dollars.  Yes, we're also having it for Josie but really we're having it FOR THE CAKE.'  Why didn't you say something to me before I started phoning people to cancel?"

And then we argued a bit from there.  I don't remember what all was said except for his comment later that he had said on TWITTER that he bought a cake and didn't I see that because don't I hang on his every tweet?  (I may be exaggerating his words.)  What, like I have nothing better to do but keep constantly on top of my Twitter feed?  Like I just sit there wondering if THIS is the moment that Jude typed out one of his two tweets of the day?

(I actually had seen his tweet in passing while I was on the phone but he conveniently left out the bit of information about how he spent the $50 I could have used toward my dye job or Botox or a new kidney.  Because, the thing is, I DO make cake.  For birthdays.  I have never, ever bought a cake.  Why buy a cake when I make such fantastic cake all by myself?)

So, I phoned Tyson's parents again.  I don't remember my exact wording but my casually spoken message went something like this:

"Hi, it's Natasha again.  We're postponing the baptism so don't worry about my earlier message.  However, we do have this lovely cake here that Jude bought that is fruit and cream. It's from a bakery, and it says 'On your baptism' on it.  It was also $50 and we have no use for it now.  Any chance you want to buy a cake?" I said, laughingly.

"No!  We wouldn't charge them!"  Jude yells, beside me, all annoyed-like, as though I had just invited someone over to dine on our leftover chicken wing bones while we all drink a case of beer each.  As I'm leaving a message on their voice mail.

"Okay! Apparently that was a terrible idea--"

"No!" Josie wails. "I don't want to give away my cake!" 

"Okay! I take it back. We don't have a cake to offer you.  That was a horrible idea I had, clearly."

I'm laughing a bit, Josie is crying, Jude is exasperated and I'm STILL ON THE PHONE.  BEING RECORDED.

"So, this definitely the most ridiculous sounding message I've ever left on someone's voice mail," I say, laughing. "Please ignore it. And good luck with your baptism."

Something like that.  That was my message.  EXCEPT IT WAS LONGER, and MORE PAINFUL.

So, then I realised I needed to phone Brother Bailey back.  I opened the church directory, found Bailey and dialed.  Got the voice mail.  And as I was looking at the name in the directory I realised it said CATHERINE and BOB Bailey.  Not Pat and Dutch Bailey, you know, the people I was talking with earlier?  Right?

Huh.

In fact, there's only one Bailey listed. 

Huh.

Is it possible...

Hmmm.

...that I was speaking to the wrong Bailey's?  Because that would explain why Sister Bailey sounded like CATHERINE Bailey.  Not Pat Bailey. 

SO, I phoned back and got the voice mail again.

"Hi, it's Natasha.  I seem to be uh... trying for a record of how many times I can embarrass myself in one night. ... I'm already at... three uh... incidents." [Had trouble thinking of the right word.] "I just realised that the entire time I was talking with you, I thought you were the OTHER Baileys.  I had no idea I was talking to THE STAKE PRESIDENT.  And I thought it sounded like you, Catherine.  And President Bailey, if you thought at all that I sounded like I was being kind of familiar" [except I'm pretty sure on the message I said FAMILIAL-- a word I totally know how to use properly but why be sensible like that, right?] "that's because I thought you were DUTCH Bailey and he's a bit of a family friend.  So, his number is not listed!  And I was wondering if you had it so I could phone HIM.  And this would explain our confusion over the phone, Catherine.  Heh heh heh.  Alright. Thanks. Bye."

ARGHHHHH!

Idiot!

All that said, however, let it be known that this giant, $50 cake that Jude has started slicing open, this cake that's going to be in my fridge for days, HAS NOT TOUCHED MY LIPS.  Nor will it. I was very tempted to say 'screw it' to my vow against refined sugar because, you know, the cake was FIFTY dollars and because I was stressed out and deserved to celebrate Josie's almost-baptism, right?  But my integrity and my pact with Louise means more to me.  While I may be lacking brain cells, at least I have self-control-- and that part is ALL my own doing.  YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

[I had said after writing this that I didn't have time for Daily Gratitudes and that I was going to see Julie & Julia.  It wasn't there anymore and we saw The Time Traveller's Wife.  Which was OKAY.  But, in editing, I added some D. G.'s.]

Daily Gratitudes

1. Again, I'm so grateful for our babysitter.  And soon, she will be able to drive so I maybe don't have to pick her up and drop her off all the time when it's midnight and I'm tired.  Last night Jude said, "if Rachel was able to drive I'd just say 'Here are the keys to the car.  Why don't you just take it we'll pick it up tomorrow.'"
2. Lulu and I had a very nice time together today.
3. I have basic sewing skills and a sewing machine.
4. It was a beautiful day.
5. My friends.

A day to test my Christianity

A day to test my Christianity. 

Had a horrible night's sleep.  On the plus side, I saved a family from hypothermia in my dream, which was pretty cool.  Although they were ungrateful.  People these days!

Though Jude made me a breakfast egg for a salsa'd, chedder'd, egg McMuffin-style sandwich, he didn't remind me to take my adrenal pills.  So, one more mark under the Divorce column of the Marriage Or Not Chart, I say.  Oh, wait.  That's a break-even, I guess.

Well, still.  I could have used some adrenal pep in my system today.  Might have warded off some of the tears when Lulu violently unplugged my Jude's iPod from the iMac, ERASING ALL THE SONGS.  I only have the songs I've purchased through iTunes, not the ones I took from John's laptop when I was in Wales and not the songs that the children sang to Jude for a present two years ago-- songs I wrote, tailored to him.  (I think they are on the laptop but I don't have it in me to check right now, in case I'm wrong.)

So, my favourite song right now, 4am by Cherry Ghost, was erased irretrievably.  And iTunes Canada only has the instrumental version (which is lovely).  In fact, they only have two Cherry Ghost songs at all, which is just absurd.  I hate that I can't buy every song on iTunes that exists in other countries.

I tried to buy the song from some sites recommended to me by Cherry Ghost's website.  Not available to Canadians.  I tried to buy the song from Amazon but the page just didn't want to load.  It wouldn't let me buy it.  I ended up buying the whole CD for $27.  FOR A CD!  I hope there's some free blood plasma with that or something equally useful.  You never know, the way my day is shaping up....

I tried to phone Bell Expressvu again to demand that they turn my tv back on because it's only turned off because I haven't paid the charge they are supposed to have reversed since receiving some broken merchandise from me.  But I was on hold for so long that I had to hang up because Lulu needed picking up from preschool.

And while I'd been trying hard to shrug off the gloom, frustration, and mild depression looming about me since the music mishap, I just couldn't. 

I tried yelling as loud as I could-- no profanities, even!-- on the drive to the preschool but my throat was dry and I could only manage a 1.7 second yell before I choked each time I tried, which just made me more mad.

And because I didn't know that Daisy would come home to tell me that one girl has been hitting her "hard" on the bus, and two other girls too, and because I didn't know that my second attempt to phone Bell Expressvu would be interrupted by a phone call saying that Josie missed her bus because she was playing on the playground with Megan...

...I was only delighted and relieved when Lulu leaped into my arms with a squeal at exactly 2:47 pm.

I was adoring when she squeaked, "I hope the grocery store has a little cart for me!"

I was proud as she pushed her little cart around and forgiving when she slammed it into my left heel.

I was smitten as she unloaded the cart onto the checkout belt all by herself, managing even the heavy bag of carrots. 

Every time people gush over her sunny blond halo of curls ("She has such an angelic face and then with cherubic blond curls to go with it!") I am reminded that the sunshine of my day will soon enough be at school full time, everyday. 

Who's going to save me from bitterness then?

Daily Gratitudes

1. My stern wrath with Bell Expressvu finally paid off.  They're reversing the bogus $509 charge and they turned my tv back on. (Third time they've turned it off unjustifiably.)
2. Jude came home early and was high-spirited and lovely despite having finished a rape trial today.  Even started to cry just because he loves me so much.  I think we need to check his estrogen levels. Kidding. He's teeming with testosterone.
3. Montana is at his friend Laura's all day.  Nice for him to get invited out.
4. Daisy is not so delicate as to have been really upset over the hitting.  I think she also feels empowered that we told her if the hitting doesn't stop, she can punch this older girl in the face.  Because the latest research in bullying shows that kids who don't stick up for themselves get targeted for more bullying and each time they cushion the abuse, they send the message that they'll take more bullying. So, it was recommended (on Oprah, no less) that kids stand up for themselves, generally speaking. Daisy is a runt and this girl is two years older and she's been told to stop by Daisy and the bus driver.  Stupid Piper.
5. I have this fabulous shirt I bought in Wales that makes me feel pretty and hides my belly rolls when I sit down. (It's prettier in person.)
   
   

Crayola spa treatment on my naked back

I had a brilliant idea yesterday when I was tired and just wanted to nap.  Why not let the kids draw on my back with Crayola markers while I lay there and pretend to be accommodating? 

It felt like I was getting my back tickled.  Very relaxing.  And a gorgeous, strong breeze was coming in through the window.  Then Jude came home and drew on my bum but I won't show that photo. ;-)

(The ocean was VERY ticklish.  Josie wrote their blog names on me because she thinks it's cool that they have these aliases and she uses them sometimes.)

 

Daily Gratitudes

1. My brother-in-law finally came to build our gate for our fence so we can now let Izzy off the tether in the backyard and just let her run around freely.  This is major.  This means that when Izzy has to pee or poop or practise her pole dancing, we can just open the back door to the deck and let her out.  We don't have to go untangle the tether in the rain and then untangle her from the swing set or the stairs when it's time to come in.  LIFE CHANGING, I TELL YOU!
2. We have the best babysitter ever.  She loves our kids.  She plays with them.  She and Montana are writing a story together.  She brings school writing for Montana to edit!  She doesn't feel like that hurts her ego at all.  She is assertive, not afraid to start bossing the kids around as necessary even when I'm still at home.  She brings them to the park.  She makes crafts with them.  She's always delightful and trustworthy.  She is a huge blessing to our family and she has said that she'd be perfectly happy to watch our kids for half of what we usually pay her so we can pay off some debt.  If we ever wanted to bring a babysitter with us on a vacation, she'd be it.  
3. The weekend is here.
4. The weather got cooler and predictably, I got more active.
5. I have great friends.  We might go play laser tag with them tonight.

How to make life more silly/daring/development-y. Ideas?

So, yesterday I vented about how I feel stifled in my life, how I wish for different surroundings but can only change so much about my life.  I gave a few examples of things I wanted to change and I think I said I would elaborate on this later.  Did I?  I don't remember.  But I meant to, so let's say I did.

Our spontaneous slip 'n' slide/volleyball-in-a-wet-suit/swim in the sea day already had me thinking about this.  Then at Heathrow City airport John recommended a book to me by this guy who said yes to everything for a year.  His name is Danny Wallace and the book John recommended is called Join Me, about how Danny started a cult collective by accident out of nothing.  The book is fantastic so far.  Danny is intelligent, funny, a great writer and his story is inspiring.  I relate to his ability to just know that he adores someone.  He put an ad in the paper that just said, "Join Me.  Send a passport-sized photo to..." and this guy, Christian sent him his photo and a take-out menu along with a little blurb about himself.  Sent it to Danny without knowing what he's joining!  Just because he was bored.  And Danny placed the ad because he was bored.  And Danny assumed that Christian was just the best guy ever.  He was practically in love with him.  So, they arranged a meeting and after some awkwardness, Danny, Christian and Christian's friend were all talking about Sega and this and that and became fast friends.  I LOVE IT!!  That's how I want my life to be.  And it kind of is.  I just flew off to Wales to see some people I only "met" online in May.  (Though we've had video chats with them.  Which counts for something.)  Check out Danny's website here.

Now I'd like to get specific and ask for your suggestions. :-)

(Last Fall, Jude decided to shake things up around here by putting on music for us to dance to after work.  I think it lasted two days, partly because I didn't know he had decided this.  He reminded me of all this yesterday when I said that we should have a mandatory dance time once he gets home from work, no exceptions.   Great idea, right?  Crank up some music and throw our bodies around White People Style. 

Except that yesterday he came home late-ish and we're having a heat wave, which puts me in a miserable mood, and Lulu had been really naughty spraying Daisy's pasta with window cleaner, and had also thrown clean laundry about and wouldn't pick it up and had to have a time-out and I was beaucoup de grumpy and absolutely could not dance to music.  Was not going to happen. 

So, already I've realised that having strict rules takes the fun out of stuff.)

Here's what I'm looking for:

I want fewer obligations and more choice.  

I want more art and poetry and less clutter and ugly.

I want more gratitude and less complaining but I also don't want it to have to be a struggle.  Ya, Victor Frankl proved that happiness is possible in a concentration camp, blah, blah, blah, WHATEVER.

I want more knowledge and less monotonous repetition and drudgery (aka housework).

I want more spontaneity and fewer plans. 

I want more silly and less self-consciousness.

I want more interaction and less self-absorption.

I want more laughter and less drama.

Some ideas I had for bringing some fun/silly/personal growth into our lives:

• have my kids speak only in French to me at meals.
• try to learn some Spanish with John and Louise.
• post-work/post-school daily dance time.
• drive to the beach and swim with our clothes on, then drive home sopping wet.
• next night time rain storm, stand in my back yard... naked.
• have people over for games nights, no matter how imperfectly tidy our house is.
• listen to more Prairie Home Companion.
• download more audiobooks.
• remember that blog post I wrote for John where I took a list of favourite words that he gave me and turned it into a piece of bizarre writing?  I want to make that a regular feature here.  So, send me your lists of 12 favourite words and then I'm going to invite all readers to write something funny and I'll post them and we can vote on the best piece and maybe there will be prizes for the winners.
• let the kids do my hair and then go out to dinner at a restaurant.
• let the kids choose my outfits sometimes.
• talk to more people-- make the jobs of waiters and store clerks less humdrum and their days shorter,  ask opinions of strangers around me, be open to new relationships.
• SAY YES MORE-- to experiences, not obligations.  Say yes to the kids more.  I always said I'd be that kind of mom and then somewhere along the way I got grumpy.
• give the kids more experiences for birthday and Christmas gifts instead of stuff (we've been doing this for a year, even asking other people to adopt our idea).
• maybe do that Free Hugs thing some time.  No, definitely do that Free Hugs thing.  With a friend.  Next time I'm in a busy city with a friend, we're giving away Free Hugs. Who's with me?
• have a meal with the kids and maybe another family where we eat spaghetti with bizarre utensils, directly from the table.
• do and record a choreographed dance and lip sync number as a family á la Huxtables from The Cosby Show.
• accept more dares.

Any more ideas out there?  Come on.  You people are smart.  Dish.

Daily Gratitudes

1. I said yes to Lulu to have a bath with me when I wanted to continue having it alone.  I was able to witness her growing imagination and discover that yes, she still loves my breasts.  Apparently, they are soft like pillows.  Also, Lulu makes a great dolphin.
2. Put my pink t-shirt on tonight and it smelled like Wales.
3. My visiting teacher surely thinks I'm crazy.  And it bugged me for a few minutes until I thought, What if I am crazy?  What if she thinks all sorts of unflattering things about me AND SHE'S RIGHT?  I'm still valuable even if all that is true, right?  I still have friends, people still enjoy me?  So, then who cares?  We just won't be best friends.  Oh well.  And just like that I stopped caring.  A light bulb moment I had a while ago that still comes in handy when feeling insecure.
4. Izzy is one year old today.  Only a few years to go where I don't occasionally wish she'd have a heart attack. (New readers:  Izzy is a dog, not a baby.  A retriever.  We've had her since 8 weeks of age.  Try it sometime.  Bwaahahahaha.)
5. Jude just went to get me some dill pickle or ketchup chips, based on which post-chip breath of mine he hates least, despite being really tired and having just walked the dog. 

How the LDS church treats the glory that is Woman

Okay, so one of many things going on with me right now has to do with an email that an LDS friend sent to me, linking me to an article on the internet that discusses anti-depressant usage in Utah amongst women.  I'm not going to link to the article because it's a veiled attempt to attack the church, which doesn't really become apparent until the bottom third of the article.  Although, I was pretty sure it was carp when I got to this bit:

"Any Mormon reading this report will recognize that virtually all LDS girls are taught from childhood to do all 24 of the following: • be respectfully, politely, humbly and gratefully subservient to Mormon males in personal demeanor, activities, beliefs, plans and thought."

What did I think when I read this?  I thought, WTF?!

I read the article nonetheless because this friend who sent it to me sounded a bit upset and I care about her.  And because it seemed like it was going to be a non-biased report that was going to point out all the reasons why women in Utah are taking waaay more anti-depressants than the rest of the country and the list of explanations would surely include the fact that we Mormons don't self-medicate with alcohol, smokes, drugs, and hither tither sex.

But ya, it didn't do that. 

So, back to this stupid statement about what all LDS girls are taught from childhood. 

I can't really think of one woman off the top of my head who is subservient in ANYTHING, never mind demeanor AND activities AND beliefs AND plans AND thought. (And how vague are those, anyway?)  I'm sure I know a couple of Mormon women who'd fit this description but I just can't think of any and they're probably older than 60. 

Yes, it's true that we Mormon women covenant in the temple to heed the counsel of our husbands AS THEY HEED THE COUNSEL OF THE LORD.  It's purely ceremonial, really, because if these men are obeying the counsel of the Lord, then:

1. It's just like we're obeying the Lord anyway.  If these husbands say things that are contrary to what the church teaches, contrary to what the scriptures say, we're under no obligation to listen. As Brigham Young said, we are not obliged to follow our husbands down to Hell.
2. Husbands and wives are supposed to consult each other and decide things together. Everything.  Parenting, money, career moves... it all needs to be decided together. 
3. We are seen as equal in God's eyes, just with different roles.

Think of that line from My Big Fat Greek Wedding where the matriarch says that while the men may be the heads of the families, the women are the necks and they turn the heads whichever way they want.  THAT IS SO TRUE.

Most Mormon women I know:

• work outside the home full-time, part-time or just here and there. 
• have hobbies that occupy them.  
• are involved in the community-- I know three women in my geographical area who have been on city council
• have university degrees or have completed some college or university schooling.  In fact, I'm one of the few I know who haven't!  Ha!  Never been to college or university.  And look at how awesome and un-subservient I am. 
• do all the family's budgeting and financial management.
• decide most things pertaining to the family and then their husbands agree with them.

Considering giving it all up - UPDATED

I never thought I'd be one of those moms who abandons their family.  What kind of a person does that?

I don't plan to become such a person either. But I do want to leave. For a while. And I'm afraid that I'd come back home and still feel the same way. And my trips away would become more frequent until I couldn't bear to come home at all. I don't think that IS what would happen but I fear it.

I remember before I had children, wondering how a person could commit to being there every single day, give or take a few, for eighteen years.  And when I gave birth to Montana, and was up late in the night nursing him non-stop while Jude slept beside me, as he had to work the next day, smack dab in the middle of a murder trial, I remember thinking, "Oh, boy. This is it. Irreversible. I know where I'll be now for the next 20+ years. Right here."  It was overwhelming.

You'd think that I would have been incapacitated with anxiety. I was only 19. You'd think that I would have been wondering if I'd made a mistake. But instead, it was the best year of my life.

I sure do love my children. I adored my babies to pieces. I was in my element.

But now my children are becoming people and people are imperfect. And since no two people are alike, I'm swimming in a sea of personalities, quirks, brain hiccups, and emotions. And now is when it's all come to a head-- that which I feared would be overwhelming is here. It's here and it's irreversible and I'm panicking.

I want to get away. I want to leave so badly.

Do you know that I don't recall one conversation with my mother where she taught me about people and how to communicate with them (other than to tell my teachers to f--- off-- yes, she told me that), about how to be happy, about how to work, about what life was about, about goals I should set for myself... nothing. All the the conversations we have with our children about life and values, I never had that. I can't think of a single freakin' useful thing. I was never encouraged to go to university. I was never encouraged to be a certain kind of person. Nothing.

Everything I've figured out about life I've figured out on my own. Lots of observing, analysing, and reading. I say this not to make myself sound so awesome-- it's not awesome. It's just what I had to do. Sink or swim. Survival.

My point is that I'm still figuring things out (maybe we all are?) and I'm just exhausted. I'm exhausted from this life I've led and the one I'm staring in the face. I'm exhausted of fighting my demons while trying to make a supper that everyone likes and enduring Daisy's whining with patience and trying to not take it personally that she blames me for all her unhappiness. Never mind Montana's unhappiness and anxieties....

I have so much that *I* need to work through that sometimes I feel like a child myself and I'm in charge of four kids. 

And I can't even begin to fathom these people who don't have Depression. People exist who have normal moods... regular... faithful. WHO ARE THESE FREAKS? * I can't imagine what it's like to not have Depression.

Want to know how depressed I've been? For the first time in 13 years of being Mormon, I've given serious thought to just giving it all up.  Giving up on my marriage, my family, my salvation-- everything. I so completely understand people who say, "Eat, drink, and be merry for tomorrow we die." Those were probably people who were depressed. Maybe not. But maybe.

People who are hedonists might very well be people who are just trying to not kill themselves, latching desperately on to anything that promises a hint of happiness and novelty.

Why wouldn't religion be enough? Because contrary to what you hear, it's not for the weak. RELIGION IS FUCKING HARD. It's hard. Don't get me wrong-- it's good that it's hard. Hard things force us to rise to the occasion. But when people are ill, including mentally ill, they don't want "hard". They don't want to try. They don't want to swim; they just want someone to throw them a life buoy, or better yet, just send a yacht to pick them up.

I have one thing that keeps me alive and keeps me here: a testimony.  (Sorry-- two things. The second is the fear that I'll saddle my children with as many ailments as I have.)

Nine and a half years. I've been here almost everyday. I'm tired. I don't want to be here in the heat, washing walls, cleaning toilets, putting away clutter, making food, and managing everyone else's happiness. I don't want to be doing family activities. I don't want to go to Jasper with them. I want to be alone.

No advice, please. There's nothing you can say I haven't already thought of. No lectures, telling me how good I have it and that other people have it worse. I don't give a damn.

What would be nice is if anyone had a similar story of inner hell they could share. Ever have to become a different person? Ever question ten years of your life? What got you through and how long did it take?

* Actually, Jude is one of these people. It's amazing-- with his totally depressing line of work, and with me as his wife-- that he does not get suicidal. I'm not really kicking myself when I'm down. I can be really awesome. But when I'm not? Holy hell. How can he stand to live with me?! I'm not mean or angry... much. I just totally withdraw into my own world. And how can he not be depressed out of his mind about that? He gets down, ya. But he doesn't get as low as I do as often as I do and that's a total mystery to me. WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH HIM?!

Kate Rusby - Our Town (not embeddable)

Daily Gratitudes

1. Jude is very understanding.
2. I have healthy kids.
3. I don't have a chronic pain condition. Aside from, you know, Depression.

The Good Husband's Guide: 33 ways to not suck

I stumbled upon this Good Wife's Guide, apparently printed in 1955, almost choked to death, and felt compelled to write one for husbands (Jude helped). I was going to make it satirical, to make fun of this extremely one-sided and sometimes offensive Good Wife Guide, but it ended up being just plain good advice. (I think you can tell where I was purposely trying to be cheeky. Then I didn't keep it up. Bad writing. I don't care. I'm tired.) Of course, every woman is different but I think most women would agree with the majority of these.

(BE FOREWARNED THAT THIS IS HIGHLY GENERALISED. You don't need to tell me or get offended. YES, everyone's different. We all know that. Take everything with a grain of salt.)

How to be a Good Husband

1. Throw routine out the window and surprise her sometimes. Change up your roles and do the things she usually does for you. 
2. Let her choose how the toilet paper goes on the holder. She uses it more than twice as often as you.
3. Let her sleep in sometimes. Surely you can iron your own shirt and make your own cereal, right? Remember, a well-rested wife is more likely to give you nookie later.
4. Make your own lunch. How many special lunches does this poor woman have to make? Buy her some sushi or special convenience meals she likes so she can have a nice lunch. Women who are making lunches for kids everyday don't feel like going to the trouble to make themselves a nice lunch.
5. Learn to cook a decent meal and don't act like you just earned a Nobel Peace Prize nomination for doing so. Women are no more qualified to be good cooks than men. And a man who can cook is sexy as all get out. 
6. Email, text, or tweet your wife from work. Be witty. Don't dwell on her body parts. Tell her with sincerity how wonderful a person she is.
7. Always remember, she is the goddess who raises your children and you are a mere man. Know your place. "Motherhood is near to divinity. It is the highest, holiest service to be assumed by mankind. It places her who honors its holy calling and service next to the angels."
8. Prepare yourself before coming home from work. Tuck in your shirt. Put a smile on your face. Tell your wife she looks ravishing after a long day of attending to everyone else's needs. Ask her how her day was.
9. Act happy to be home. Don't complain about the state of the house or your wife's mood. Be grateful she's still there.
10. Tell her that her attendance at the local gym is necessary to inspire the other women there-- she is just that fetching.
11.  Do not get the kids all riled up before bed. Make sure the atmosphere in the house is quiet and serene. Your wife has been listening to crying, whining, complaining, and fighting intermittently throughout the day. 
12. Put the kids to bed yourself. Tell her to put her feet up and anticipate the foot massage she has coming to her.
13. If she has made supper, the dishes are yours. Do them. And remember that doing dishes also includes washing the counter top and stove top, cleaning around the faucet, and cleaning the sink out after. And wash the table while you're at it.
14. Clean the bathroom now and then and when you do so, do everything. Don't just clean the inside of the toilet bowl. The WHOLE toilet gets dirty. Clean the walls, the baseboards, the mirror, everything. A man who can clean and clean well, preferrably in suit pants and a dress shirt, is a keeper.
15. Play with her hair.  Run your fingers through it. Tousle it up a bit, gently. Expect nothing in return.
16. Let her watch her favourite tv shows and leave them there during the commercials-- no channel surfing. Remember that a relaxed and amused woman is more likely to give you nookie. Grey's Anatomy is also more likely to get you nookie.
17. Let her dress you and don't complain. Remember that nice clothes on you are man lingerie. Again with the nookie.
18. Wash her vehicle for her and clean out the interior. She should always be driving the safer vehicle while you drive the older model.
19. If someone is wrong, always remember that chances are very good that it's you. Women remember conversations better and are able to use both sides of their brains at the same time. Women also have more active brains; when men are resting, 70 of their brains shut down. When women rest, 10 percent of their brains shut down. [According to study by Ruben Gur, expert on gender differences in the brain.] So, chances are, that ya, your brain wasn't turned on fully when she was talking and you should just concede that she is right and you are wrong.
20. Learn how to apologise properly. "I'm really sorry." That's all it takes. Not "I'm sorry you feel that way." That expresses disappointment, not regret. Don't assume she knows you're sorry. You have to say it. No "but"s attached either.
21. Keep a list in your wallet of things that she likes. Sign up for notifications for when her favourite singer's new CD will be coming out and then buy it for her. Don't bring her just any ol' flowers. Bring the ones she likes and with none of that crappy fern stuff included and no ugly paper wrapping. Have a simple ribbon tied around the flowers. If she doesn't like a certain spot on her neck sucked on because that's her jugular vein, mark it with an invisible X and don't ever make the same mistake ever again. If she says she likes an item in a store, make a note of it. Remember that women are detail oriented. Seduction is in the details.
22. Be the best kisser she's ever had and remember that men like sloppier kisses than women. Not too much tongue. Always let her lead because one false move and you could be starting from scratch.
23. Work hard at your job. Be ambitious. Be honest. Making a lot of money is nice but it's more important to strive to be the best in your field, no matter what you do for a living. Be looking for ways to go the extra mile at work so she can be proud of you. (But don't be a workaholic. Your marriage is more important.)
24. Refer to her by her name and not as "my wife". "The angel to whom I'm married" is always nice.
25. Make this your mantra: "What can I do to help?"
26. Know her menstrual cycle so that when she's being overly emotional and hard on herself for it, you can reassure her that it's just her hormones and that you will go buy a favourite indulgence of hers. It's nice to feel like your husband knows you so intimately and has compassion for things he will never understand.
27. All the gross jobs in the house, like emptying garbage and cleaning up vomit, are yours. Men have a higher tolerance for gross. Compare any men's restroom to any woman's restroom for evidence. (Jude cleaning up my vomit for me-- I will never forget that.)
28. Taking care of her means taking care of the people she loves, when you can, and whether or not you like them. Don't diss her friends or her mom, even if she does.
29. Be the kind of man who doesn't find himself alone with another woman, ever, so she never even has to wonder. If you have work reasons to be with another woman, ask someone to chaperone.
30. If your wife wants to stay home to raise your children, you do whatever you can to make that possible. Don't send her out to work so things will be "equal". It's never equal. Women who work outside the home do more than men with child care and house care. Get two jobs if you have to so she can do her job. Mothering is the holiest calling there is; show your worship by making it possible.
31. Always remember that she comes first-- in every possible definition of that sentence.
32. Know when to be a Jack and when to be a Sawyer. Most women want to be revered AND ravished.
33. Stay in shape, just like you'd want your wife to. Talk to Jude for tips and advice.

I'm convinced that women who expect to be well-treated are more appreciated by their men.  Ladies, remember that you teach people how to treat you.

Men, what do you think makes a good wife? Make me a list in the comments. I'll put everyone's answers together in a blog post. Would love to hear what you think.

Daily Gratitudes

1. Really depressed today. Hard to think of anything. Let's see... StumbleUpon. It has added a fun, new dimension to my life. I'm SomethingGirlN if you want to look me up.
2. My ability to read and my children's ability to read.
3. Having a healthy colon. A friend my age just had her large colon removed. I can't even imagine.
4. Curling irons. I shudder to remember my hair without them.
5. Jude's ability to communicate well.