Becoming Something

Cloudy With a Chance of Kvetching

We took our kids to go see Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs.  Not the 3D version, unfortunately. It's okay-- I expect to get over my disappointment before the end of the year. 

The theatre was blazing hot.  I considered saying something but, you know, I'm Canadian.  We suffer instead.  

So, the movie is fantastic. Laugh-out-loud funny many times. Chicken Brent was awesome.  The Jello Land was fantastic.  And it didn't hurt that the belle of the movie has green eyes. *bats eyes*  

You know it has to have conflict at some point and if you've ever read the book you already know what's going to happen.  Still, whenever we see movies the kids are always surprised when things get a bit rough for a time.  Lulu said she was scared and Daisy started to cry. 

Then, 10 minutes before the movie was done Daisy started to freak out because she was hot (and tired, and scared, but mainly hot).  And I was annoyed because I hate being hot myself.  (Like, as if you didn't know that already.  People in China know that about me.  I only complain about it on my Facebook wall, on your Facebook wall, and every other chance I can get, mainly just to let out all the hot air, you know.)  

I suggested that she take her shirt off because we were in a dark theatre and she's only six.  "No! I'll look ugly!" she protests.  I resisted to the urge to say, "You're totally right and I want you emblazon this upon your brain right now."  Instead I just thought, Ha. Tell that to Penthouse.

So, I scooped her up and marched out, her crying, and told the people running the place that it was super hot and my daughter couldn't handle it and now we're going to miss the end of the movie.  "Well, you should have told us earlier."  "Well, I didn't anticipate that it would get so bad that my daughter would cry to leave."  Plus, I'm Canadian. I said that I'd like a refund on her ticket and they agreed, no problem but the cool air had cooled Daisy down enough that we could go back in but not before I took her tights off to relieve her and not before I heard the one woman tell the other that the setting in the theatre was 85 degrees. !!! IT'S NOT EVEN WINTER!  

I was thinking when we left the theatre that the cold air would be refreshing for everyone at least until we made it back to our van but as soon as we got outside everyone was complaining, "I'm coooold!" 

As Josie and I were the last to climb into the van Daisy whiningly screeched to Josie, "Shut the door! I'm COLD!"  "Well, it's not MY fault!" she said back with exaggerated indignation. 

"Dad, can you turn on the heat?!"

"I'm cold!"

"And I'm really thirsty!"

"Geez," I say. "You guys would have made terrible pioneer children."  Jude laughed.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Josie asks.

"It means, can we have a little more complaining?!"  Jude laughs.  "It's not dark enough outside!  Sheesh, you call THIS 'night'?" 

I giggled an amount inappropriate for his little joke, in part because I was trying to imagine something blacker than black.  

"That's not a funny joke!" Daisy ironically complained again, unaware of how we were making fun of her. And that just did us in.  We burst out laughing and I actually got a stitch in my side and choked on my saliva.  Man, I'm sexy. 

"Stop laughing!!"

So, basically it was a typical exhausted complain-fest after we doted upon them blessings some hungry kids in Africa only dream of.  Two thumbs up!

(Oh, and I never did ask for a refund because we ended up going back in and were able to finish watching the movie.  I just let it go.)

Daily Gratitudes

1. My t-shirt order came on time to send a gift package out.
2. We don't have snow yet.  Mind you, it will probably come tomorrow.
3. I'm so glad I learned in school to type properly.
4. My kids have good schools to go to with good teachers and principals who care about them.
5. My friends.

Thinking outside the box, around the breakfast table

Josie: "Montana, would you eat my foot if it was covered in chocolate?"

Montana: "I would eat it if it was made of chocolate, not merely covered in chocolate."

Josie: "Would you rather eat my ear wax or five cups of sea salt?"

Montana: "I'd choose orange juice."

You'll enjoy reading this, I think, because it's loose and casual and fun

[Blogger's note:  I don't usually have such stream-of-consciousness blog posts like this, especially not journal-y ones but I think you'll enjoy the break of pace and I found it enjoyable to write.]

We went to Edmonton to get me a passport.  Unlike what everyone told me, it was a brief wait made enjoyable by conversations with strangers, and I'll be able to pick up my passport in a few days before I fly out.  Everything has been working so smoothly for me lately.  Well, aside from my day of parenting hell a couple of posts ago.  Aside from THAT.  It's like I have awesome karma and the power to make things BE.  Even with my birth certificate.  I couldn't find it anywhere and had to order a new one.  I ordered it from Ontario with a guaranteed five day delivery.  Got here the next day!  AWESOME.  (Oh.  Some of you don't know.  I'm going to Wales to see My Burtons and to get a much-needed break from me and my life, to gain some perspective and come back ready to tackle this Becoming Something with a little more commitment.)

Anyway.

We ate at The High Level Diner, a fabulous tiny spot that always has a wait time.  The food is healthy and gourmet and inexpensive averagely-priced and there's a lot of original art on the walls for sale.  I had basil, pecan, and goat cheese stuffed sole with a lemon butter sauce and it was divine.  Maybe I'll make it in Wales.

Daisy, our gorgeous 6-year-old was really hungry and she had turned on her Child Fabulous personality that we haven't seen in a while.  She can be extravagantly dynamic and enjoyable such that it's impossible to not imagine every single person ever of All Ever falling in love with her.  Unfortunately, you can imagine how far the opposite end of the spectrum goes.  Woe to the man who marries her.

So, she was laughing and grinning up to her temples and telling Jude that she was going to eat him and just being terribly silly.

"I'm so hungry I could eat a ton of people.  I would eat all the people in France and all the people in China.  And then I'd be so fat that I'd have a biiiig burp.  And they'd all come out with slobber all over them and in pieces." 

And then she laughed somewhat maniacally.

Maybe that doesn't sound as funny and charming to you as it was to me but keep in mind she has been a nightmare for months.  It was like coming out of solitary confinement in Croatia, for me to see her this silly and fun.

It's been nice for Jude to have every August Friday off. Genius, really.  Every week should be a four day work week.  I might be able to do right by Michael Jackson and heal the world and make it a better place if only there were more four day work weeks.

We drove home listening to some soothing French singing and climbed into bed and napped.  I woke up in that really groggy state where it's kind of unpleasant but also kind of fantastic?  And we had a simple supper-- actually, wait.  I only had blueberries because I ate a wheelbarrow's worth of food at lunch (like, EVERYBODY'S leftovers) and Jude made the kids something and I don't even know what because I didn't leave the sofa.  It was awesome.  So, I actually have no idea how "simple" it was.

Then I tucked the kids into our bed for their Friday Night Sleepover tradition where we let them sleep in our bed until it is time for us to climb in and then we put them all back in their bed.  I'm such the slacker.  That's like, our only tradition.  And it's great because it means I only have to go to one bedroom, they all say their prayers, and that's it.  It's like, a tradition where I don't have to DO anything.  I should be marketing this brilliance of mine.

So, I come downstairs and Jude has weird look on his face.  And he's watching Oprah.  I know.  FREEEAK!  And it's an episode about straight women who have fallen in love with other women-- ahem-- and he's wondering why the recording is protected from deletion on our PVR.  And I honestly have NO idea.  Maybe God recorded it for me and protected it because he knew we would want to watch it.  I have the tv set to automatically record and store up to five Oprah episodes and I haven't even watched Oprah in months.  I haven't watched tv in months.  I swear I've never seen this episode, never mind set it to elite protection status.  So, we're watching this episode together and having a lot of discussion and this woman who was married for 25 years says, "It's not about sexuality; it's about identity."  And that's where we paused it because ohhhh, we completely disagree with that statement.  I think it's the exact opposite.  If sexuality is as fluid as Kinsey asserted-- and I absolutely believe it is, and the expert on the panel says it is more so with women-- then that's not about identity.  Especially as it changes over time, as it has with me.  I range between 2 and 4 on the Kinsey scale so I think my opinion on the matter means uh, volumes to the study of this topic.  Right?  Like, duh.

So, then Jude asks me if I've seen the catalogue he brought home of kid beds.  I must repent for telling him he doesn't get excited about stuff and edit that to read that he doesn't get as excited about stuff as I do.  Because how freakin' adorable is it that he saw this shop that had kid beds in it that had canvas toppers that turned them into castles and play forts and he had to go in and he brought home the catalogue and was all, "Wouldn't it be great to get something like this?" when our kids have perfectly fine beds (Josie's is brand new) and he's not one to want to buy a lot of stuff.  And also, the stuff isn't that impressive.  I see things like this in magazines and online all the time. 

"You're so sheltered", I said.

"Yes, sheltered in my cozy little world of violent, degenerate crime." And he tapped his finger tips together, fiendishly. (He puts people in jail for a living. Sort of.)

Finally, Jude had, well, peed about a minute before I needed to do the same.

"It smells like apple juice in here," I said.

"Well, that's because I've been carefully working on a formula for my urine to have a commercial resale value."

And I laughed and laughed and laughed.

"You're such an easy laugh."

"It's a very happy way to be."

And then I came and wrote all this down.

THE END.

Daily Gratitudes

1. Jude made me a nice cup of fake coffee which I am drinking from the mug I made Louise for her birthday.
2. The mug I made Louise turned out really well.  I impress myself occasionally.  Okay, so all the time.  But it never gets old.
3. I've had this weird, nice feeling of peace all day.  I'm very calm and lack ambition and don't even feel bad about it.
4. I love the built-in book shelves in my living room.
5. I'm going to LONDON, baby!  Now, tell me:  What should I say to Jude Law when I bump into him?  I'm probably not going to have enough time to have him fall in love with me as per #67 on my life to-do list on the right there, but I'll need to have something unstupid to say.  Seriously, I seem to be attracting to me all sorts of good things right now.  I've been predicting stuff that has come true.  I'm like, tuned in to things.  So, I would not be the least bit surprised if I bump into Jude Law.  I don't REALLY think it will happen but it's good to be prepared.  So, what the heck do I say as a conversation starter? :-)

Jude and I-- we tease on a Sunday morning

Me: DON'T tickle me.

Jude: Why not?

Me: Because it's NOT funny.

Jude: Aww, why not?

Me: Because you tickle like 'ARGGGRRRR!' You tickle like a grizzly bear.

Jude: Aw, that hurts! Not like a grizzly bear. More like a gladiator.

* * *

I'm sitting at the dining room table because Jude forced me to by not bringing me breakfast in bed as per our usual and by telling me that he went to the trouble to set the table all nice for me. (Totally forgot it was Fast Sunday. OOOPS.) So, out of the good of my married heart, I went downstairs. I even put clothes on first. I stumble over to the table (not a morning person by any stretch of the imagination) and find that it looks like it always does when we eat-- like, there's plates and forks and stuff to drink-- and the bit of specialness is the ROYAL BLUE tablecloth he bought.

Me: Did you steal the Relief Society's table cloth?  [For readers who don't know, the Relief Society is our church's women's organisation and their "colours" are royal blue and I think gold.]

Jude:  What, you don't like it?

Me:  It's royal blue.

Jude:  I knew you'd say that.

Me:  Well, YA.

Jude:  Why is that a problem?

Me:  Because we don't have a single thing in our house that's royal blue. It doesn't match at all.

Jude:  I knew the first thing you'd say would be that it doesn't match.

Me:  Then, when ever you surprise me with these table cloths you buy, why don't you ever get a nice simple white table cloth?

Jude:  Because they didn't have any.  This was only $1.50!  It's a good deal.

Me:  If I prefer the table underneath to the table cloth, it's not a good deal.

Jude stuck his tongue out me. In his mind. 

(Okay, I have to tell you this. I just wrote "sticked" there and spell check let me know with its red underlining that that was not the right spelling and I couldn't figure it out until I realised it was "stuck".  I HATE THE MORNING.)

I sing a song, not too loudly and look at Jude across from me at the table. He smiles stupidly in that way all women love and that way that all men are good at and I can tell he didn't hear me.

Me:  Name that song.

Jude:  I couldn't hear you over Martha Speaks.

Me:  Ya, I knew you couldn't. I was going to ask if your ears were working.

Jude:  YOU name THIS song and group. "You can call it lack of confidence but to carry on living doesn't make no sense. I can't stand losing you."

Except, Readers, he sang it like Mary Poppins would sing a nursery song.

Me:  It goes like this. [Sang his bit.] I can't, I can't, I can't stand losin', I can't, I can't, I can't stand losin', I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't stand losin' YOU... Can't stand losin' YOU-OU-OU!

Jude:  So, what you're saying is that you're somewhat familiar with it.

Me: [laugh]

Jude: But who sings it?

Me, rolling my eyes:  THE POLICE. As if I don't know a ton of Police songs. Okay, here's my song:  "I don't want... to go to chuuurch. Some folks do. Who knows?"

Jude, looks at me blankly.

Me:  Air Supply. "I don't like... to sleep alooone. Some folks do."  Except I do like to sleep alone. All stretched out... ahhhh.

Jude:  You don't deserve me.

So, a few minutes later, I'm sitting at the table, I guess with a slight smile on my face, and I could see why that would be disturbing to Jude at VERY early o'clock.

Jude:  Why are you smiling?  Are thinking of the blessing that's being married to me?

Me, dryly:  Oh, was I smiling?  THAT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

See why you don't make me get out of bed on a Sunday morning?

Okay, I have to throw my hair into a quick pony tail, put on my standard brown skirt so that I can wear my brown boots, brush my teeth, slap on some foundation and lip gloss, and pretend that I took any care at all in doing it. It's church time, y'all. (I should clarify: The only reason I don't want to go to church this morning is because I'm tired and I have the comfiest bed I've ever slept in.)

Daily Gratitudes

1. Boots are awesome for Sundays at church when you don't want to have a shower and shave your legs.
2. I can look up my Sunday School kids' lesson online when I lose my manual, which is every single week. I have no idea where it is again.
3. John and Louise are sending me a package. Yay!! So excited I can't even tell you. Let's see how good this British chocolate is.
4. Our fence is almost done on one side. Soon we can play soccer/football in the back yard with Izzy the Dog, which is beaucoup de fun.
5. I had a therapeutic, fun, hilarious conversation with Katie last night.

Just your average John Thomas, Dick, and Peter

We were playing Risk. Some of us, begrudgingly. *ahem*

Montana, laying out three sixes, said like Gollum: "Oh, my sweet sixes. My sixes!"

Me: "Uh... that's the sign of the devil, my Satanic friend."

Montana: "What?"

Me: "Isn't that even in the bible?"

Jude: "Yep."

Me: "It's like a symbol for the devil or something."

Montana: "I didn't know that!"

Me: "Whatever, Beezlebub."

Later, while bored out of my mind, waiting for everyone to kick my butt, because I couldn't possibly care any less, I rubbed in the fact that these kids have never said thank you for my giving birth to them (something relevant was said-- I don't remember) and hey-- didn't I also teach them English? They never thanked me for that either. And did I mention that I was in pain for a year after giving birth to Montana? A year.

Josie: "I'll birth people, too. Maybe... six. Or... maybe just two or three."

Me: "What would you name them?"

Josie: "I don't know. Jennifer and Mackenzie?"

Me: "You just picked the most popular name of my generation. Montana, what do you want to name your kids?"

Montana: "I think maybe Richard..."

I choked a little and glanced at Jude, thinking of the common nick name for Richard.

Montana: "...and Peter."

Me: "Oh gosh!" I snortlaugh. "Jude! Did you HEAR that?"

Jude, amused: "I heard."

I need to get my head out of the gutter.

Daily Gratitudes

1. Lots of rain equals all our garden rows coming up. We were late getting it in.
2. Had a delicious, lush nap this morning. Or, as the English would say: nappe.
3. Lulu's the cutest 3-year-old ever to grace the world. Curls that BOUNCE. Who can resist?
4. Sun's coming out.
5. Pethidine.

At the dinner table whilst eating perogies I nearly burned

Jude: We could leave you behind with Izzy, with bread and butter, fruit, cold meat. You'd be fine.

Montana:  If you left me here while you went jaunting in Wales, with just bread and butter, I would NOT be impressed. If anyone should be going to Wales, it should be ME.

Jude: "Jaunting"? Can you really picture me "jaunting", Montana? I'm not even sure I know what jaunting looks like.

Me: I think it's like this. A lot of 45 degree angles with the elbows swung high.

Jude: And a lot of swerving. As I head into shoppees.

Montana: "Shoppees"?

Jude: Well, the English, you know. They like to put an E on the end of "shop". S-H-O-P-P-E.

Me: *snicker*

Daisy: If you left me alone in the house with just Mischa and Izzy, I'd eat all the candy and the food. But I wouldn't really want to be left alone.

Jude: Are you sure?

Daisy: Yes, because I don't know how to turn on the tv. It's hard!

Jude: We could leave it on for you and teach you how to change the channels.

Daisy: *shaking her head, pouting*

Jude: And you could play on the computer all day and all night and you wouldn't have to wait for turns.

Daisy: And I could stay up all night, in my underwear, naked!

Family: *laughs*

Daisy: Don't laugh at me! [Cries.] It's not nice to laugh at me!

Me: We're laughing because you're funny. You told a joke that was funny. It's a compliment.

Daisy: No, you're meanies!

*sigh* Is there anyone who could front us about $2500 so Jude and I can go to Wales? I can pay you back with all the money I'll save on child care after social services comes to take away our kids whom we left unattended.

Daily Gratitudes

1. Those Burtons. Gosh, I love 'em.
2. Jude's a dear. He is so funny.
3. It stopped raining.
4. Buying presents.
5. Finding a new song I can play over and over until it loses all allure for a few months. Who says OCD isn't sexy?