There is a baby girl battling leukemia. Her name is Sophie. Sophie and I have mutual friends who are professional photo- graphers. They are part of a group of photographers who are offering their art prints for very minimal donations. The donations will help Sophie live, will help her parents see to her care.
I have donated to Sophie's care myself and encourage you to read the story below (taken from the family's website, photo of Sophie by mom and photographer Jennifer Kitroser) and follow the link to see if this is a cause you would also want to support.
"On March 15, just a month shy of her first birthday, Sophie's parents
Jennifer and Jim took her to the doctor for the 4th time in as many
weeks. After being told each time that she had a "bug" and doing blood
work would "appease mom more than anything", Jennifer fought for blood
work to be done on her daughter.
Sophie was not herself and Jennifer's
instincts told her something was wrong. They didn't expect however, for
the diagnosis to be so devastating.
Sophie was diagnosed with ALL -
Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. Because Sophie is so young, she is at
extremely high risk. Malignant, immature white blood cells continuously
multiply and are overproduced in the bone marrow. ALL causes damage and
death by crowding out normal cells in the bone marrow, and by spreading
(metastasizing) to other organs. ALL is most common in childhood with a
peak incidence at 2-5 years of age, it is unusual for a child under the
age of 1 year to have to fight this battle. Acute refers to the
relatively short time course of the disease (being fatal in as little as
a few weeks if left untreated), and luckily Jennifer and Jim were
paying close enough attention to Sophie's behavior that they had her
looked at right away.
Over the course of the next 2 years Sophie will endure several
rounds of intense treatments and medications including chemotherapy. Not
one cell can be left behind or she will be sick again. This family
needs our help. Jennifer, a talented photographer,
will not be able to work for at least a year, the cost of living at the
hospital for 5 weeks at a time, and insurance will not cover all the
medical expenses or medications. Anyone who has ever had a sick child
knows how trying and stressful your financial situation becomes, and the
only thing they should be worrying about is getting Sophie well.
Here's the cool thing about your donation. Thanks to the
generosity of some extremely talented photographers, you will actually
get an amazing gift with your donation. No matter what your amount, you
will be able to choose from a very extensive gallery of beautiful images
as large as 24 x 36 to hang in your home. The photographers who have
donated their work are truly amazing and sought after in their
respective genres of photography. For a tiny fraction of what you would
pay if you bought these images from the artists directly you will have a
gorgeous archival fine art print, and best of all, you will be helping
our little girl."
Please click here to see their website. To buy a photographic print and donate at the same time, click on the link in the top right hand corner. You have to sign in as a guest to view the photos. It's a bit confusing. Then click on Photos to see all photos.
To just donate, click the link at the bottom of the webpage.
My favourite photo, I think, so far:
It reminds me of the 13th Article of Faith of the LDS church:
"We believe in being honest, true, chaste,
benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say
that we follow the admonition of Paul—We believe all things, we hope all
things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all
things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or
praiseworthy, we seek after these things."
Shortly after I joined Facebook a woman contacted me saying that we had a lot of things in common and could we be Facebook friends. I must have had more things about myself public then or something. I don't remember exactly how she knew certain things about me. I uncharacteristically said yes, because she was intelligent and sounded normal and lovely. I am such a good judge of character.
Karen lives not too far from me, as it turns out, and yet we've only chatted on the phone. I really must visit her soon. In the meantime, we've become friends through Facebook and blogging.
I really, really like her. Which is why I feel like a jerk for not spending more time with her.
Then she offered to knit me a hat or scarf. She took up knitting about a year ago (?) and has been knitting and crocheting like gangbusters. She's very good. I don't know why she offered to make me a hat. Maybe she likes me or something.
A free hat crocheted out of love by an internet friend? DUH. I said yes.
She asked what colours I wanted and asked me to measure my head. I told her mossy greens and such and um, never got around to measuring my head. I couldn't find my tape measure (which, coincidentally or ironically I found today, after I opened my package from her).
In the package was the following:
Here we have a cute little measuring tape (ha ha) and coasters with 50's images of a mom on the phone saying of the kids in the background, "I child-proofed my house but they still got in." Very funny. I have purchased cards in this exact same genre of humour, so Karen pegged me well. (I made the photo small because I don't want you to read the card just yet.)
Then we have the crocheted hat, which is darker than I expected but perfectly matches my dark hair and green eyes. I love the flower addition:
But then we have this card with a most fitting quote and Karen, I cried when I read it. I loved it. Thank you so much. I have decided to make myself a bulletin board for my room to pin to it cards and such that I've received that touch me and make me feel loved. Your card will always be on display somewhere in my house, throughout my life. I read this and felt your compassion and it was so quietly given, like it was no big deal for you.
I have a mad love affair with the internet. This is why.
I was somewhere between one and two years old. My mother says I was a baby but my aunt says I was talking and my grandfather confirms this. Somehow, somewhere I found a large safety pin. It was likely open when I swallowed it. It didn't just puncture my throat; it went straight through to my jugular vein. You know, the vein that takes the blood from your heart to your brain.
Blood was leaking from my jugular. I wasn't eating or drinking much. I was crying a lot. No one could tell what was wrong until my grandfather noticed that my neck was swelling a large bump.
They brought me to the local hospital where after I was flown straight to the Hospital for Sick Kids, in Toronto. They removed the pin and sent me home, 6.5 hours north, not knowing that my jugular vein was leaking.
I still wouldn't eat. I was coughing up blood onto my pillow. My mother knew something was still wrong. Once the local hospital had an idea of what might have happened I was put on a plane so quickly, on my way back to Toronto, that my mother barely made it onto the plane.
I was cut open from my ear to my chest and the vein was repaired. I still sport scars from the blood transfusion on my ankles, wrists and my right breast (which really just blends in with the stretch marks). So swollen was I and attached to so many tubes that when my mother went looking for me in the ICU she didn't recognise me. Then when I was pointed out to her, she became so hysterical that she needed restraining and drugs administered to her to calm her down.
The wound later got infected, opened up, and was mistreated by our family physician, causing the scar to be so wide.
I still remember my neck hurting for years. I didn't eat a lot and was really skinny with a huge head. My half-sister will confirm this.
When I was 10 years old and seeing a doctor about some extra cartilage that needed to be removed from my knee, my mom casually asked him about plastic surgery for my neck. "Sure, that can be done," he said. "We can take some skin from her bum and use that to make two very thin scars instead of this wide scar." "No!" I said. Just the idea of some men doing anything to my naked bum while I was unconscious made me feel instantly victimised. Plus, at the age of 10, the thought of having a piece of my butt on my neck grossed me out. Dude, I eat near my neck.
But besides all that, my scar didn't bother me. With long dark hair, people didn't even notice my scar for months after meeting me. My scar was a sign that I was alive and I believed that it was for a special purpose. This scar reminds me that I could have died at less than two-years-old. This in turn reminds me of the time I narrowly avoided drowning at age 6, and of all the other precarious situations I was put in as a child, or that I placed myself in.
My scar reminds me (as Destiny's-Child puke-worthy-corny as this is) that I'm a survivor. And besides, some people find it sexy. Okay, so just the prison inmates to whom I occasionally write, but still.
* * *
I haven't shared this story earlier because it's missing so many details that are in conflict between what different family members have told me and no one wrote anything down and despite being my mother's only child and almost dying, she doesn't even remember how old I was. *eyeroll* :-)
I'm sharing it now, though, to explain why I'm choosing Sick Kids Foundation in Toronto as my charity for CanadaHelps. If you know me in real life or if you're even just a casual observer on
Twitter or here, you probably know how passionate I am about health
care. And clearly, I'm grateful to Sick Kids for saving my life.
Please **click here to see my CanadaHelps Giving Page **. I've set a modest goal to raise $3000 by my next birthday (which I can adjust, if people delight me with their generosity), however, there's more to this.
CanadaHelps has issued a Giving Challenge for people to use social media tools to raise money for the Canadian charity of their choice. The contest ends December 20th at 12 noon EST. If I raise the most money or get the highest number of donations, GivingHelps will donate $5000 to Sick Kids. I'm already entering a bit late.
For participating, I get entered into a draw every week for an iPod Shuffle-- hardly a big deal. I have no use for a music player I can't obsessively control according to my every whim, and anyway, can't you pick them up for like, $40 these days? If I do win an iPod Shuffle, I will raffle it off to a blog reader who donated. So, I'm not in it for the prizes.
Clearly, I'm in it for the glory.
Kidding. No, actually, with my last business I sold I had intended to set up a Sick Kids fundraising page and never got around to it. Then a media rep contacted me about the contest, so it was kismet.
So, for all you blog commenters who've thanked me for a post, for all of you who said I helped you in some way, or made you cry, or made you laugh, please consider donating. Those of you who read here regularly, consider it being like the cost of a magazine subscription. For those who say that coming here is like a therapy session, what are those fees running nowadays?
Let's take a look at the benefits you get from Becoming Something:
a feeling of superiority for every time I embarrass myself, beknownst to me or unbeknownst to me
I'm thinking that's worth at least a yearly $20 donation. ;-) $50?
You will receive a tax receipt and you can choose to not have your name displayed on my page's list of contributors, if you'd prefer to remain anonymous.
Jude has kicked things off with $100. Small gesture of thanks to Sick Kids for having me as a wife.
Thank you, in advance! I love you!
Daily Gratitudes
Had a lovely weekend full of love for my family and friends.
Bronchitis is gone. No signs of brain cancer or chlamydia. (Facebook friends would get that joke.)
Okay, I really, really don't want snow this year but the fat flakes coming down right now are kinda pretty.
My kids go to good schools with good teachers and principals.
Jude let me sleep in a bit this morning, making breakfast and lunch sandwiches.
he cares for the babies, desecrated and left for dead
and his name stands for them
and for all the souls who knew not
a man like him as men should be.
Then comes home
he makes me dinner
he brings me to dance in the kitchen
and I know the bounds of compassion
are too far off
for me to ever fall off
before his strong arm peels me back
and it's not even 8 pm
and he tucks the babies into sleep
and walks the dog
and does the dishes
and gives me space
and bids us pray
and bids me come
to all that's sweet
before becoming my night time sentinel
the caretaker of my life
the angel who measures my breath
as I live off of his
and shares the covers and sacrifices pillows
and hours
only to rinse, lather, repeat.
You might enjoy this video. It's awfully inspiring and beautiful and simply told. My Jude is every bit as wonderful and committed and strong as this man. My Jude is the kind of man who cleans up another kid's poop that's been smeared about in the men's bathroom at the church, not once, but TWICE. (Yes, friends, it happened again.) He is the kind of man who makes me believe in God because oh, Lord, I know he was sent to protect and to love me and my babies. He is the kind of man who turns around and drives the other way so that Lulu can see the little weiner dogs on the sidewalk because she was the only one who couldn't see them out the window as we drove home. And he's the kind of man who says that, Yes, we can adopt Mariah should something ever happen to her parents because, oh my, he knows I love that little girl so much, and then says that we can adopt any child we know who needs it.
And I share this not to brag but because some people have the ability to inspire us all to betterness, to becoming something, and they don't need recognition for themselves but for us.
Daily Gratitudes
My skirt fit better today than before.
I love my local church peeps soooo much.
I have a pretty easy church calling.
When I'm feeling down about how incredibly ugly our backyard looks, Jude says that our yard, unlike our neighbors', is a work of art, of the utmost creativity. The brown pee spots tell a story, where their yards are a blank canvas of cold inhumanity. Or something like that.
Jude is patiently, patiently waiting for me to make him a nice supper, after he patiently let me have a long nap. I love that I know he won't get mad at me or grumble about how slow-going I am. Phewf.
My friend Gabrielle Valentine recently experienced what was probably a miracle when a policeman rescued them from their burning home. They did not know the fire was above their heads, in the attic.
They have lost most everything. It's all smoke damaged and toxic to their health.
They had renter's insurance but most of what they had was of little value anyway and insurance only pays the value of the items as they were, not what it would cost to replace them.
The Valentines are barely getting by as it is. After leaving her full-time job to stay home with her kids, the high cost of day care factoring in, they changed their health care plan. During the one month limbo when they were not covered, this young, healthy mom needed emergency gallbladder surgery. Did I mention that she doesn't live in Canada? After a $50,000 bill, she and her husband decided to declare bankruptcy and foreclose on their home. They were already struggling to make ends meet and they still are.
She's had a rough go in life and though she has an impressive, fantastic outlook on everything that has happened, I want to help them out. We've compiled a list of things that they need and if you would like to send some money to help with replacing furniture, beds, etc. or if you'd like to send small items like nail clippers, diapers, face cloths, etc. please contact me at natashaschmnasha@gmail.com.
This family is tired. If everyone spared just a bit of love, I know Gabrielle will do great things with it and I know it will bless your life.
If you'd like to share this story on your blog and help this family, please feel welcome.
I had a good experience this week, eye-opening. I've come away with questions to analyse which excites me because it promises further development on this Becoming Something frontier.
Basically, I lost my cool. YES, again. Not at first. But definitely later.
I lost my cool at Catherine from Her Bad Mother. I wasn't the only one, I add, childishly, like that makes it better.
[Note, the most prominent example of me losing my cool has been taken down along with the post it accompanied and here is Catherine's explanation for taking it down, which I fully accept. There's also my Twitter feed but it's much harder to link to and I took down just a few of my tweets so it wouldn't fill up other people's Twitter feed.]
I had questions and observations that didn't sit well with me and they were not sudden. I had been sitting on them for a while, quietly, with no plans to ever be un-quiet.
But, eventually, Catherine became the target for my sensitivity to perceived inequity, insecurity, and disingenuous-ness within the mom blogosphere and my sensitivity burst onto that same scene, with her as my target.
Now, I actually believe that my reaction was kinda logical, natural, and human. But that doesn't make it right.
I have come away with questions and these are some of them:
Why do I care so much?
Should I care so much?
If it's okay to care so much does that necessarily mean it's wise or beneficial in any way to say or do something?
If it is wise or beneficial, what's the best way to approach things?
If my perspective is not understood or welcomed, when do I give up?
I was indignant over perceived hypocrisy and over judgment I thought was completely unjustified. However, I made a few judgmental statements and conclusions myself which is... hypocritical. DANG, why is hypocrisy so hard to avoid?
Now that all my "righteous indignation" has settled down, largely due to some excellent private dialogue between Catherine and I, I feel really grateful for this experience. Is it silly to say that I feel baptised into the mom blogosphere now?
I'm grateful to have stretched my mind to try to see things from Catherine's perspective and I've concluded that we just have different styles and belief systems, neither of which could be said to be "right". (I'm not referring to religion. You know that I believe I AM right there, though I have tons of compassion and understanding and ability to relate to people who don't believe that.) I AM relieved to be reassured that she is a person worthy of trust (I think, I hope. I mean-- how can I KNOW? I can't. But I'm pretty sure.).
It's possible that at some point she will again write something that will annoy me because it won't be communicated to my liking, to my sense of style. But, I will be able to hold my tongue and keep the peace, both because I am reassured and because it doesn't matter as much as it seems to matter in the moment.
I'm crossing my fingers that I will remember that lesson in the future. :-)
And I'm experiencing a surprising after-effect from all of this. It's an after-effect I've experienced twice in two weeks. GUSHY LOVE. How embarrassing! I feel so... grateful for communication.
Twice in two weeks I've experienced conflict. The first was mostly a misunderstanding and bad timing (and didn't involve me snapping at anyone). The second, of course, was this situation with Catherine.
I've been feeling immensely grateful for my ability to communicate my thoughts and to say sorry where due and to forgive AND to have correspondence with others who can do the same. The result in the first situation was a closer, more intimate relationship. I hope that will be the case in this current situation.
"His songs encompass so very much about the ordinary splendor and
stumble of living and trying to love one another despite the messiness
of our world."
And ahhhh! I thought that was a great (and poetic) line and really applicable to the past few days.
I think Catherine is a somewhat complicated woman with complicated thoughts. And the same has been said of me (by my husband... who would know). It would make sense, especially if we're guided by different philosophies, that we'd come to butt heads and need to undergo a challenge like this to understand each other. Or is that being too charitable? Am I just a jerkhead and she's just prideful? I say no.
I feel some gushiness, now, I admit. I think it's a combo of resolution (I think, I hope) and being able to peer a little further into someone's heart and mind. It's also relief that my initial impressions of good were not off the mark. That's a part of my problem: I tend to assume the best about people and when they start to fall off the pedestal I've placed them upon, I'm embittered and I mourn.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry it happened yet again. I'm sorry to annoy and disappoint. In the moment it feels justified like, "This time is different! This is different."
I do have faith that I'll learn my lessons and that I'll become seasoned at this, making this more enjoyable for all.
Where I was full of confusion and moral outrage has now been filled with compassion and (honestly, I'm embarrassed to say it) love.
And I hope, I think... it will last longer than... a few hours.
Daily Gratitudes
Piano lessons are OVER FOR THE SEASON! All that missing lessons because I forgot was hard on my self-esteem. Watch my ego grow superficially over the summer with less failure because of fewer expectations of me. Ha!
Josie's best friend and her mom came to her piano recital, which was so supportive and touching. Jude and I gave them 230 Humanity points for that.
Mr. Lady and her heart, given freely in portion, via email.
Our ward got a new bishop today and he's a great guy and he's my dentist who put my braces on (then mercifully, took them off). The whole bishopric is great.
Today is not Father's Day after all. I thought it was but it's not so I can pretend that I didn't REALLY forget to do anything special for Jude for Father's Day becaues it's really NEXT Sunday and I knew that all along. Suuuurrrre....
Bonus: Playing Catch the Football with Lulu. Lulu quotables: "We're playing football!" (Well, we're CATCHING a football.) "Dat was a good one!" "Dat was an itchy one." (After bumping her head on the table.) "AWKWARD." (After catching the ball. I don't know where she got this from or how her catch warranted it but it made me throw my head back with laughter.) "Awkward!" (Many times repeated after she scored a laugh from me the first time and saw me write it here because I loved it so much. If it's funny once it's going to be funny the fifteenth time, right?) Oh, wait. She says she got it from Alice on Martha Speaks. Yay, a cartoon from the many hours of tv she watches. I am so proud.
I have tried to think of what to say and anything I come up with sounds stupid. I want to say thank you for all the lovely comments. I want to say thanks for reading stuff that I write! I want to say thank you for sharing your thoughts and your time with me and other people who are interested in what you have to say. Whatever I think to say either sounds bored or over-emphatic.
I made a video in part because a friend told me that I'm a bit intimidating in print and I come off really different in video (better, I assume). Want proof that I'm not at all intimidating? Watch this video. I sound kinda dumb.
Also I wanted to show that you really do inspire me to emotion over the words you write and the pats on the back you give.
And then THAT makes me feel dumb, in a way, because it's not like I write best-selling books. It's not like I'm a politician or anyone who makes a difference in the world that can be pointed to (outside my obviously tangible family). I just write a blog. Whoopdeedoo. It's not even a really popular blog! LOL. But I'm not being self-deprecating. I'm just being honest. I think what I write is important to me and might be important to my family one day and I'm sure there are a few people who have found something that was meaningful to them (like my friend Christina who realised from reading here that our lives have many parallels and it's always nice to relate to someone, especially someone you actually know). But I have no delusions of grandeur here. It's just a little blog and I say the word "blog" with a bit of embarrassment, actually.
At the same time, I share some of my most personal thoughts and feelings and you read them because you care for whatever reason (many of you are real life friends I love more than I can say). And then you sometimes tell me that I've done a good job writing-- me, the girl with a high school education. You even tell me you love me.
I hope you know that I would be so happy if people read what I have to say and shared their thoughts and didn't tell me how great I am. I don't want anyone to think that I write because I want you to gush at me. I don't. I hope for laughs some days-- yes. Sometimes, if I'm feeling nervous and insecure, I do hope for some really good feedback. But I mostly write because I must; it's my thinking process.
At the same time, it does mean a lot to me, your gushiness. I don't want to sound ungrateful because hey-- I do need love. We all do. It's nice.
ARggggh. Everything I want to say sounds stupid or self-important AND stupid.
And here's a video to further embarrass me. How many times can a person say UM in a 7 minute video?! (I don't know how people do this for a living.)
Thanks.
P.S. You know how I said in the video that I'm okay with the way I am, for the most part? And remember that blog post a couple of Sundays ago that was really depressing and low? Well, that was an off day. But you knew that, right? ;-)
I want to know you. You as you are now... today. Not your perfect online persona.
I want your honest emotions to what I write. Do not look to other commenters to gauge your own response. Are you them? No. You're you. You don't have to agree with them. You don't have to agree with me.
I take time to write the things I write here. There's forethought, there's editing, there's purposeful posting. Sometimes I have to go back and re-edit.
You, however, are the reader. You're allowed your immediate response. You have no JOB here. This isn't a private country club with rules to obey. There's no role you have to play. I don't seek you out so you can pet my ego. I don't need you to tell me I'm wonderful or a good writer or a good mom. I LIKE MYSELF THE WAY I AM. Even when I complain about all my imperfections-- I'm down with myself overall. Because I'm becoming something and that's good enough.
You help me to know how my thoughts and my writing affect a variety of people. You help me see into the hearts and minds of people who are not me. You do that just by being yourself. And it helps me be a better person.
I love that you're women and men, moms and dads, single people, married people, childless people, Mormons, atheists, Baptists, non-denominational, former Amish, gay, bisexual, straight, liberals, conservatives, grandparents and teenagers, bloggers and not, real life friends and complete strangers. I love that you leave lengthy comments-- it suggests that I gave you a lot to think about! I love that you feel comfortable sharing your opinions even when we don't agree. I love it when you take me to task on something I've written (ahem, Heidi and Sara).
What if you're PMSing? I don't care.
What if you're extremely depressed, just want someone to listen to you, and your comment to the post has nothing to do with me and everything to do with you? LOVELY.
I don't like it when people use my God's name in vain. I cringe when I read it and I hope that out of respect for my religious devotion that you'll refrain. But I'm not going to tell you what to do, just as I wouldn't in real life. If it's simply an honest reflection of who you are and where you stand, your comment stands too. I don't get to censor the whole world and I won't censor you here. For my readers who get upset over other commenters' language: This is the world we live in. We have to share it with people who aren't like us. If you withdraw yourself from them because you don't like their behaviour, you'll never be able to offer a different example of living, will you? Think of the people Christ chummed around with from time to time.
I know the difference between an attack upon my opinions and ideas and behaviour and an attack upon myself, so don't worry about me taking things personally. Be passionate! Be exasperated!
If I think you're actively trying to attack ME, then I'll just delete your comments and ban you if I must. I've not had to do that but I do know how. This is supposed to be a dialogue. If the dialogue completely disappears, there's no point.
If you're the type of person who's a cad, you might want to not be a cad, for your own sake. But don't change on my account. Your personality has nothing to do with me. Who am I to dictate your behaviour??
Don't apologize either for leaving too many comments. No one HAS to read them. If other readers want to skip past your comments, they can.
In other words: I HAVE NO STUPID COMMENTING POLICY. This isn't the temple. This isn't kindergarten. This isn't your work place. It's just a freakin' blog. And it's for everyone.
Just be you. And I'll just be me. We'll be the way we are and it will be good enough for now.
Daily Gratitudes
This morning Lulu woke up, put up three fingers and said to Jude, "I had four sleeps!" Very cute and a nice way for me to wake up. You may have heard that I'm not a morning person.
I got some really, really kind emails today.
My children are healthy.
I think Jude's work schedule this week is lighter.
How many times can I really rave about my comfy bed?
Today, I was more shocked to find out that the mom had six other children! And that her husband was in Iraq! And that she doesn't have a partner!
Now, I don't understand all of the circumstances and I definitely know I can't judge this woman's heart. I don't know her heart, so for the rest of this blog, I'm not judging her as an individual, but judging this as a situation. Because, at the very least, it does raise a lot of questions in my mind and piques my interest in all the WHYS and I'll give you a little background as to why I'm questioning.
When I was a kid, I planned to have a lot of children and adopt some abused kids, so that I could play hero and in my rescuing and healing, I could heal myself vicariously. As I grew up, my healing efforts, my great need to love and be loved, was played out with adults (and NO, I don't mean in naked ways) because I identified myself as an adult with a great love void instead of a child.
But if a person had childhood wounds that were not yet healed (mine mostly are, it's more adult wounds I need to heal) I could see her wanting to have a lot of children, to fill that need of love not received in her own childhood.
We all have a need to be loved and TO love. And when that need is not fulfilled in childhood, it can lead to all sorts of problems, including sex addiction, pedophilia, sociopathology OR a Mother Theresa-type complex.
Now, I'm not saying that everyone who wants a lot of kids is just trying to fill an unmet childhood need. That would be ridiculous. Children are WONDERFUL and delightful and rewarding. A lot of people have large families just because they came from large families themselves and that boisterious dynamic is what seems normal to them. Large families can be fun.
But if you already have six children... and your husband is stationed in Iraq with his life arguably in danger, and you have EIGHT embryos implanted, that is unusual enough that I think people should be able to ask some questions without being deemed unfair or judgmental. (UPDATE: It's now been made known that she only had SIX embryos implanted and that two became twins.)
Whether or not the questions are my business is another matter to be discussed.
For now, I'll just say that we make a lot of moral decisions for society based on what is the norm. Ex. We deem pedophilia to be morally wrong based on it being completely statistically abnormal, among other reasons. When something happens outside the norm, it's completely valid to ask if there's more to that situation than meets the eye.
Most women do not build families this way. Most women do not have fourteen kids. Of those who do, NONE of them have had eight six of those children via implantation after they already had six children (one of whom is autistic, by the way). Most women feel like their time, attention, patience, love and ability to properly educate is a finite resource.
When one woman dramatically challenges this norm, we have to ask:
1. Is she superwoman? Does she have more time than the rest of us? Does she have loads more patience and love? If so, is there something we can learn from her? Can she show us how?
2. If she's just an average woman who wants a lot of kids... WHY? Why does she need to have her own biological children so badly that she's willing to risk her life and health and that of her babies, to go through extreme methods, when she already has six children? Is there a deep psychological need that's taking over here?
Sure, she has her parents to help but three people are not enough to care for even the basic needs of eight babies, nevermind six other children. And most of us in this situation WOULD only have a few people to help-- not as many people as we'd need. Other people will be compelled to volunteer and that WOULD be the Christlike thing to do.
But if other people HAVE to volunteer to help care for your children, when you made a decision that would require that in order to carry out the ramifications of your decision, WAS it the right moral decision?
I'm convinced that if I kept having children, they would be the most beautiful, wonderful children in most of the world. I LOOOOOVE my kids and not because of what they do for me. They do very little for me that I can see, really. And they don't even love me yet. I don't believe that little kids are really capable of true cognizant love. They are attached to me, they need me, they enjoy me but they are not capable of loving me with full consciousness like my husband or friends are able. So, I don't love them because of what they do for me. I just love them. I could have fifty kids and I would adore each one.
But at some point, I had to say 'uncle'. Because I want to do a good job at this and I have too many flaws to do a good job with any more than four kids, with the the specific children I've been given. So, I'm done. (Although, I am very open to foster parenting or adopting older children, years from now. Because there are too many kids who need homes.)
What do you think? What factors should be considered before we have children? If someone wants children that badly, and they are unable to have them naturally, what is the motivation behind getting eight embryos implanted as opposed to adopting some children who need homes? There are clearly pros and cons to a situation like this, so what would a person see as pros that would so outweigh the cons? Was this an ethical decision for a doctor to make, knowing she's had her own children before? Wouldn't the fact that she's carried her own kids to term before suggest that her inability to get pregnant was not about the viability of her uterus but probably an egg issue? Do you think the tv show Jon & Kate Plus 8 has glorified this sort of challenge and family life, or glamorized it-- even the trials? Can you think of any other considerations implied here?
UPDATED: You HAVE to read this article. This really, really, raises so many questions about what choices people should be allowed to make. (Thanks, @SuzanneTobias for this link.) Like, did this woman have these babies in the hopes that she'd get a lot of attention and get her own tv show? I know she's not being identified NOW but maybe that's because the media attention is not positive. Okay, now I'm judging her motives as an individual.
UPDATED (Saturday, 10:54am): Now there's this article. (Thanks, Katie!) And one of the kids is Autistic. Well, this is going to be a walk in the park, now isn't it?
I read this article
in Meridian Magazine about the hatred and violence and vandalism
directed toward Mormons because of their contributions towards the
Proposition 8 campaign in California. I am incensed at the hypocrisy
and idiocy of people who have the equivalent logic of parents who smack
their kids for hitting their siblings, saying, "We don't hit people!"
TELL ME, I beg of you, when has the gnashing of teeth ever swayed anyone from a firmly held opinion? Hmmmm?
Here's what's been happening:
1.
A few years ago there was a vote in California over gay marriage.
Californians voted against it. Gay activists were successful in taking
the issue to the courts and a decision was found that there was no constitutional basis for denying the legality of gay
marriage. In other words, the constitutional interpretation of the court overruled duly passed law from the state legislature. Concerned citizens of California
were successful in having Proposition 8 added to the election ballot,
which would make gay marriage unlawful. People for gay marriage voted
No, people against it voted Yes. A majority of 52% voted Yes.
2.
Even though only 4.6% of the Yes vote was from Mormons, and even though
the LDS church itself donated no money to the campaign, and even though
more money was raised for the No campaign than the Yes campaign,
MORMONS HAVE BECOME THE SCAPEGOATS for this decision, by the No
campaign activists. (Trusting info found here.)
3. "Yes" campaigners voiced their opinions by picketing, creating commercials, and distributing materials.
"No"
campaigners voiced their opinions by the same means and also by
swerving their vehicles towards children who were accompanying their
Yes on Prop 8 picketing parents, by vandalising LDS churches, by
violating election laws, and by threats of violence. (Trusting info found here.)
When some
crying Hispanic women attempted to remove the hate signs put up around the LDS
temple grounds, they were beaten to the ground by "No on Prop 8"
protesters. The women were apparently not even LDS.
Here is an example of a commercial for the "Yes on 8" campaign:
Here is a commercial for the "No on 8" campaign.
This last commercial was not made by the OFFICIAL No on 8 campaign. However, it was broad casted by MSNBC and The Comedy Channel.
Can you imagine a commercial being aired on tv mocking, deriding, and hating gays, Jews, Muslims, or blacks? Why is it okay to do this to Mormons? Simply because they were the single group ESTIMATED to have donated the most money to the Yes campaign? They weren't the largest group of VOTERS!
"No"
campaigners have been using fear and anger to power up their campaign-- fear of actual violence.
If something is true, shouldn't its truth hold all needed power of
persuasion? Shouldn't it stand on its own two feet? Does it need to
be shouted? Does it need to be screamed? Does it need angry hand
gestures? Does it need graffiti?
Since when does goodness oppress badness with violence?
The No on 8 campaigners and gay activists are using the LDS church as a scapegoat to deflect hatred away from themselves. The majority voted and now the minority is angry to be the minority, angry to be looked down upon and judged, and so they're trying to turn someone else into the bad guy. Oh, the power of distraction!
With our very visible "secret" temples and our past LONG AGO history of polygamy, our abundance of wealth, and our Proclamation to the World on The Family which we share openly, we are an easy target.
Here's the thing: Mormons believe that marriage is a holy sacrament from God that man has no power to touch. Most Mormons believe that as something HOLY, it needs defending because anyone who tries to alter something holy is acting under the influence of Satan, no matter how pure their motivation.
Nothing that anyone says is going to change how they feel and the values and rights that make up the United States of America say that Mormons should not have to change that. They have the freedom to believe what they want as long as they don't force their beliefs on anyone else.
And here's the thing that short-sighted "No" voters and believers fail to understand: NO ONE IS FORCING ANYONE simply by taking part of a democratic process.
There exists a marriage LAW. Citizens of a democratic country have the right to vote on laws. If you don't like the idea of majority ruling, maybe you should lobby to have marriage laws revoked altogether. Maybe marriage shouldn't be under law. Then, when you want a divorce, there will be no laws to protect you there, either, no way to decide a darn thing.
You can try to sway opinions. You can talk things out rationally. You can appeal to the compassion of others. But there comes a point where GROWN FREAKIN' ADULTS need to agree to disagree and stop trying to change that which they cannot and just wait it out.
Instead of trying to combat what you view as hate by spreading more hate, like an unsophisticated kindergartener, accept your situation. Don't you see how often in life Change waits for Acceptance? God wants us to learn how to be happy despite situations that make happiness difficult. God wants to strengthen our characters. God wants to grow our patience. God wants us to improve our communication skills. Okay, so not everyone believes in God. Even still, aren't those good values to have? Don't these sorts of life experiences provide these lessons and help cultivate these values? Isn't there always a silver lining?
So, for those of you who are so hurt and angry over the resulting decision from the Proposition 8 vote, may I suggest to you that you:
1. Take a deep breath. Have a good cry. Hold your friends close and take comfort in their understanding.
2. Stop hating people who are NOT contradicting your beliefs "out of hate" but rather because they hold sincere beliefs they feel they cannot edit at will. Stop hating. Try understanding and acceptance.
3. Press on in what you feel to be your mission, having no expectation of outcome. Appeal to the compassion of the human spirit. Compile your data and strong argument but do not demand that it be heard. Do not DEMAND anything. People don't respond well to demands.
4. Maybe this video below will speak to you and give you a measure of peace. I don't agree with everything she says but there are great lessons in this video.
5. Look for evidence of love instead of evidence of hate. If you open your eyes and heart to love from all sources, you may realize that where you only saw Hate, you now see Love. It may be Love wearing a scarf of misunderstanding. It may be Love wearing a hat of disagreement. But, People, take Love where you can get it and don't demand that it fit your mold of love.
The only way we are going to get through this and other challenges peaceably is if we take love wherever we can get it, turn our backs on hate, lower our voices, open our arms and accept that which cannot be changed, holding a hope for the future. I highly recommend reading this talk by Robert D. Hales which outlines how to love and get along with accusers and enemies.
I love my gay nephew and my gay friends. I do not think that homosexuality is disgusting. I completely understand it, more than you know. I know that God loves gay people. If my children were gay, we would support them in their decisions with love and respect (not necessarily agreement but we wouldn't be loud about it) because we recognize that those decisions are between them and God and the only way to find peace is to choose acceptance partnered with hope. We would welcome their partners into our home with open arms. We would recognize that our children are not our property-- they are gifts.
I also love my fellow Latter-day Saints-- they are my family. I love the prophet. I believe that he speaks the word of God. I believe that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is God's true church. I have had powerful answers to prayers to confirm this. I know other Mormons who've had powerful experiences that defy all science, that confirmed to them the truth of this Gospel. I know no kinder, more education-seeking, more generous, more peaceable, more long-suffering, goodlier people than "The Mormons". No influence will stifle the church; no power will thwart the Gospel from going forth. I strongly recommend getting to know the hearts and beliefs of Mormons, as they are everywhere-- in every position, in every town, in every school and the church is growing stronger and stronger. They're not going away no matter what you say or do.
I strongly recommend that Mormons get to know the hearts of gay people, even if it makes you uncomfortable at first. By reading the thoughts and feelings of gay Mormons or other gay people, you will not be sucked into a hole of wickedness or something. By listening to them and considering how they feel, you will not be tricked into thinking gay sex is cool or righteous. I'm not saying go hang out at a gay bar. I'm not saying you should experiment with a gay make-out session. Nothing bad comes out of understanding, so stop being fearful. Fear doesn't foster love. Satan WANTS contention. As a whole, gay people are only as wicked as you. None of us is perfect.
The sins I worry most about committing? Judgment, pride, and hate.
[P.S. This post was written in two parts. The first part was RIGHT AFTER I read that article on Meridian. The rest was written after I had calmed down. So, if it seems like someone with a split personality wrote it... that's exactly what happened. Exactly. ;-) ]
Daily Gratitudes
I picked a really stellar person to marry.
My kids are finally getting over their eye and ear infections and colds.
I have an adorable, good puppy who hops to me like a frog when I say "Come!" and clap my hands.
I like my house.
Books and magazines and our beautiful town library.
First of all, I urge you to watch this video. This video almost sums up how I feel about gay marriage. There are a couple arguments he makes that I think are not solid but the gist of what he is saying is how I feel and I really appreciate the emotion with which he delivers it because I feel just as emotional about this issue.
Mormons are taking the heat in the aftermath of the Prop 8 vote but many Mormons have been conflicted over this issue. I am one of them.
On the one hand, I believe that marriage is GOD'S institution. Even in its civil state, it is a covenant given to man by God. It is not for man to edit God's laws, period. And a lot of people believe that. Millions and millions, not all of them Mormon. And nothing that anyone says is likely to change their minds, so opponents should find some way to disagree peaceably for all our sakes.
On the other hand, just because gay people call themselves married, just because the law of the land allows them to do so, doesn't mean God is going to recognize it. And then isn't that between them and God? If people insist on doing something God doesn't approve of, how is that MY responsibility or business?? Is calling themselves married any worse than having gay sex?
Oh, but then there's that argument about how gay marriage devalues the sanctity of marriage. Can someone please explain how it does that? How does anyone else's view of marriage affect your view of your own marriage? If Bob and Joe's marriage makes you view your own marriage as less sacred, isn't that your own fault for letting your view be altered? How can anyone else force you to feel a certain way?
My marriage is between God, Jude and myself. How anyone else gets married has nothing to do with my marriage. Period. OH MY HECK, HOW IS THAT NOT THE END OF THAT ARGUMENT?!
While I do believe it's a sin to redefine marriage, I don't believe that enabling other people to do that is a sin on my head. If they are so determined, I say let them be and stop this war. If it were a sin to vote No on Prop 8, our church leaders would have come out and said that, else they let us commit sin. Buuuut... they didn't. Therefore, it's not a sin. I think that's a reasonable assumption, don't you?
(Don't you love the way I'm telling you how you should agree with me, making it hard/awkward to disagree with me? Ya, I'm not trying to do that. I'm just annoyed and passionate about this and this is how I talk in such circumstances. Feel free to disagree if you think you have an intelligent point to make-- it fosters understanding.)
Many parents are worried that schools will now start teaching (have already been in some places, actually) that homosexuality is an appropriate lifestyle choice. They are worried that normalizing something they believe to be a grievous sin will increase the chances that their children will experiment upon that. This worry is not silly, in my opinion. Doesn't it seem like masturbation is much more common now than back when kids were told they'd grow hair on their palms or go blind? Masturbation is taught in schools as a normal activity and now it's a part of common conversation within tv shows. I bet more women use vibrators unabashedly now than ten years ago. Because normalizing something IS going to increase the likelihood that it will take place.
However. Experimentation and defining oneself as "gay" are different. I really don't think you can make a gay person by teaching them in school, here and there, that some people are gay and they get married. Premarital sex is taught in schools too, if not within curriculum at least by example from youth. Evolution is taught in schools and that can throw a serious wrench into accepting Creationism, and therefore the existence of God. Do we shelter our kids from all of this, though? No, we encourage them to study and pray and make their own decisions, weighing all facts, faith, and alternatives. Latter-day Saints believe strongly in education, not sheltering.
The problem, as I see it, is that when we learn about something for the first time, we compare everything we hear afterward to our first lesson or impression. If someone in authority teaches my son that homosexuality is okay, he may very well look upon my subsequent lessons on the subject with skepticism. If this is possible, the solution is obvious: Be the first to bring up the discussion. Set the standard, as the parent.
What about legalized gay marriage ushering in the forcing of churches performing gay marriages? Isn't it inevitable that our church would be forced to marry gay Mormons?
COME ON. Think about that. Didn't people just vote to keep gay marriage illegal? Didn't that work? Is the democratic process going to suddenly change or fail simply because civil marriages are made legal? In the US, religious freedoms are protected under the constitution. I know that the worry is that gay activists will make the argument that THEIR constitutional rights are being infringed, forcing churches to marry them. But that's a fear with little foundation. The foundation of the United States is religious. Most Americans are religious. There is NO WAY that American Christians would let that take place. Most Mormons who voted No on Prop 8 would not vote yes for gay temple marriages. A line will be drawn there. We have to have faith in that and not act preemptively out of fear.
I don't understand why people like (seemingly) Laura Brotherson think that by not actively trying to dictate the decisions of others (gay marriage) that we're condoning their decisions.I've complained many times about this attitude in the LDS church, and elsewhere, that if we don't voice our opinions on every wrong thing that we're implying we think those wrong things are right. THIS IS NOT LOGICAL. It is an emotional reaction. We don't need to decry every evil thing, nearly every chance we get. When it comes to decisions that adults make that affect their lives alone, we DO need to be tolerant and compassionate! We don't need to believe it's okay. We don't need to say it's okay when asked. I don't even believe we need to vote that it's okay. If we start with tolerance and compassion as a base for communication, it may present an opportunity later to share our views, maybe even influencing behaviour.
In the post after this one, I would like to discuss the hate that is being directed towards Mormons right now, particularly in Salt Lake City and California.But first, I want to share some thoughts here about homosexuality, in general.
Firstly, the only agreement that scientists have come to regarding the cause of homosexuality is that there's no one cause. It is thought that some people are predisposed to being gay, like they are being alcoholics or depressed. Then different life experiences can create these strong inclinations. Having a bad relationship with either parent, having a non-present parent (ex. deadbeat dad) or being sexually abused as a child, can all play a role. This is the case with every gay person I know, except one. (I would totally link to studies right now if I had the links on this laptop but they're on my frozen Acer laptop.)
The point is, same sex attraction is not anyone's fault. Our prophets have said this, too. We do believe that it can be overcome for some people and many gay people have attested to this. This infuriates the gay community because they think it's like saying there's something wrong with homosexuality, as if it's a mental illness or something. But if people want to overcome those urges, whose business is that of anyone else's?
That being said, there are many people who have tried to overcome who find it impossible and that struggle is breaking their spirits. If someone dies a smoker who's been trying to quit for years, will they go to "Hell", just because they didn't succeed in quitting? I don't think so. Likewise, I don't believe that people who have tried to live a straight lifestyle, who've wished and prayed to feel straight but came up short, will go to "Hell". Living gay can't be an automatic ticket to eternal condemnation for everyone because we are told that the Lord looks at our hearts and our efforts, far more than we mortals would.
I urge you, plead with you, to please read this comment from a gay Mormon. It is the most earnest, heartfelt, honest, thing I've ever read from a member of the church who truly believes that the LDS church is God's one true church, but who has reconciled himself to living a gay lifestyle. It is the fourth comment down. I can't comprehend how anyone can read this and not feel that he is being honest in saying that he's tried his best. I know how compassionate I feel toward him; isn't God's grace and compassion so much greater than mine?
The sin of a homosexual act is not the same thing as sex outside of marriage or adultery. Gay people are not faced with choosing sex now or later (after marriage). They are not faced with choosing between one person or another. They are faced with choosing between an intimate, sexual, and completely spiritual in every way, relationship like straight people get to have, or none at all... ever!
If you have no personal experience with that kind of profound loneliness, I don't think you are in a position to judge. If you have no experience with that kind of identity earthquake, I think you should stay out of it inasmuch as possible.
I can't help but think that if my kid was gay and had so much angst that he or she wanted to kill him or herself, I'd rather they give in to love. I know that just because I feel that way as a parent, doesn't mean that the Lord feels that way. But I think it's very possible that he does. It's very possible that the Lord thinks of how he has our whole lives to work with us on our issues and if we go and off ourselves, that really complicates things.
For some gay people, this is how profound their pain is: Death or Sin.
And while it's our church leaders' jobs to teach sweeping correct principles, is it possible that this "gay mormon actor" did receive comfort from the Lord when he decided to have a homosexual relationship? Is it possible that the Lord, knowing how hard this man tried, knowing that he did everything his church leaders asked of him, even reparative therapy, knowing that he just might lose his entire will to live, sent his child a message of "I love you. It's okay. I will always love you. I don't condone what you are doing because it's not a part of my eternal plan for you but I understand and we will work it out. I will work on you. I will be here for you and help you. We'll figure this out."??
Only he and God know the answer to that.
I hear church members all the time say things like, "I feel sympathy for gay people. It must be hard." But I don't think they really "get it". I don't think many of them CAN "get it". I think there's room for even more compassion and comprehension. I don't think some people try hard enough. Because there's always a "but" at the end of that offering of sympathy. "....But, it's just so wrong/gross/weird." Why must there be a "but"? It's as if church members think that if, in conversation with other members, they don't say all the things they disagree with, people might wonder if they're kind of gay themselves! I've had this thought. Like, if I'm too understanding, people might wonder if I swing both ways.
Enough with that small-minded, self-conscious stupidity. Let empathy stand on its own two feet without leaning on moral outrage to protect ego. Empathy and moral outrage do not need to occupy the same moment. They each have their place in time.
Stay tuned for the next post about Prop 8 and the violence and hatred being directed towards Mormons....
(If you want to comment and you think your comment will be super long and you have your own blog, consider posting your comment to your blog while leaving a little comment here directing us to your post. If some of my thoughts are very different from how you've thought of things in the past, may I humbly suggest you think about what I've said for a bit, mull it over, rather than responding with a kneejerk reaction.)
I hate it when people infer things into what I've said. No, I don't express myself perfectly but for the most part I mean what I say and say what I mean.
Jane somewhat misunderstood and Robert completely misunderstood my point in yesterday's post about comparing the Law of Consecration to "socialist" government tax programs.
I did not say the programs are the same. I didn't say they were similar.
What I said was that the MOTIVATION for them was similar: helping out less fortunate people.
What I said was that if you so strongly resist the idea of giving money to a group who will then distribute it as they see fit, you will have a hard time living the Law of Consecration. I used a friend as an example and I attacked her way of thinking, specifically. Please revisit yesterday's post to see her quote.
Yes, our church does a much, much better job doling out funds to people who need it than the government does. There are practical reasons for this. But the fact is that there are church members who get funds because they are poor and they are poor because they have very low-paying jobs because they didn't get an education, OR they have no jobs. NO, that doesn't describe everyone who requires church welfare. But it does describe some people. There are people in that situation who need government assistance too and there are people who judge them as unworthy because they've made poor choices.
When the Law of Consecration is enacted, there will be people receiving some of my goods and they will be people who have not worked as hard as Jude and I. We don't all contribute equally. And if it bothers you that people are getting government assistance when they don't work as hard as you, or having made the best choices throughout their lives, it's going to bother you when we live the Law of Consecration. You'll be looking at Brother Jones and saying, "You know, he had the opportunity to work for Brother Thompson and he turned him down because he didn't like Brother Thompson. Now we have to share our wealth with him. He just has to live with the bad decisions he made out of pride."
I'm saying that if you have a judgmental attitude toward people NOW who receive government assistance, you will have a judgmental attitude THEN. Maybe the circumstances won't be so extreme. Maybe you won't be sharing your money with crack mamas who keep popping out babies to get more money. But you will be sharing money with people who won't have made all the same decisions you've made.
And people who feel it's in their stewardship to judge when it isn't, in my experience, have a hard time ceasing the habit.
THAT IS MY POINT, OKAY? Can I possibly make that more clear?
And my follow-up point was that you might think that that crack mama popping out babies left and right shouldn't get your financial assistance, that she should just make better choices and not spend her money on a flat-screen tv, but YOU DON'T KNOW what she is going through. You don't know how she will be judged by God. You try to help her out but if she won't take your help, if she won't change her ways, you can't just go and let her starve, or die because she couldn't get health care. If we try to FORCE people into making choices that WE want them to make by withholding basic needs, we will be judged harshly.
Which brings me to Jane's point that by forcing people to pay taxes we are acting like Satan who, in the pre-earth life, presented a plan whereby we'd all be forced to choose good so that we'd all make it back to Heaven.
I could not possibly disagree more.
Because I could say the church forces people in the same way the government does.
Sometimes in life it seems like there is no choice between one thing or another. We feel so backed into a corner that we say we have no choice. But this is not true. You CAN choose to not pay your taxes. You can do this by either not paying them, if you're a business owner, or you can leave the country. Not much of a choice, I know.
BUT. We're faced with the same choices as Mormons. Outsiders look at us as being forced by the church to give up alcohol and coffee. We're not forced. BUT, we're told if we don't, we will be unworthy of our Temple Recommends and then may very likely be unworthy of the highest degree of glory in heaven. Hmmm. Not much of a choice there, is it? But you can always back up and back up until you get to the point where the choice was made. I chose to join the church. That's when I chose to obey my church leaders whether I agree with what they say or not. (Feel free to ask me about this, people who flinch over that sentence.) You chose to get a job (and pay taxes). You could have chosen to get a different job making less (or more) money. You could have chosen to get a job where you work under the table. You could have chosen to live elsewhere. They may not be GREAT choices, but they are choices nonetheless.
So, you could go to jail (not paying your taxes) or you can go to Hell (drinking alcohol).
Satan didn't want to give choices, period.
By withdrawing help to people so that they will make choices we want them to make, one could say THAT is being like Satan too.
Jesus told us to care for the poor and he did not put any qualifiers on that. Sure, we have continuing revelation through the church and that revelation provides guidelines that church leaders follow to decide who gets our help and who doesn't. The ONLY reason that the church refuses some people basic necessities is because they DO have other options. If there were NO other sources for help and someone needed a can of soup or water and they were going to die without it, and they didn't want to lift a single finger in work to repay the church for its help, the church would still provide the help. I'm sure of it. Because in the last General Conferece, in the Priesthood session, President Monson said that it's the priesthood's responsibility to not let anyone go hungry or homeless. Period. That's what my wonderful husband remembered when he came home, of all the things that were said (which I think says something great about him).
We don't turn away basic needs. We push the Spirit of the Law to its furthest limit before we invoke the Letter of the Law.
We can encourage. We can teach. We can lecture. But we can't force people by way of desperation and fear. That is NOT God's way. It IS Satan's way and more often than not, it leads to CRIME.
And my final point was that just because the government doesn't work as well as our church government does, that does not mean that we get to turn our backs and say, "No, we're keeping our money because you waste too much of it." Some of it goes where it should, some of it doesn't. Instead of withholding our charity, we need to work to make the system better. My husband doesn't give up on our marriage because I don't manage it perfectly. He doesn't withhold his love until I start acting the way he thinks I should. My husband loves me BEST when I'm at my WORST.
Perhaps we should look at our marriage covenants as an examples of how we are married to our government and married to our brothers and sisters for whom we've been commanded to love.
(Wasn't planning on posting this but I'm kind of riled up. I'm not saying below that Mormons or anyone has no intelligent reason to vote McCain. My title above is just to catch attention. I'm really writing about one important issue here.)
[Edited on Nov. 6, 12:24 to add: It's so fun to sling words like "socialist" around, huh? I bet a bunch of people use that word without even knowing what it really means. I'm so proud of Sue for explaining why Obama is not a socialist. Go read this if you don't believe that statement.]
I was emailing with a Mormon friend who lives in the US. After a few emails I added to my message, "So, you voting McCain?" I figured she was and thought she'd just respond with a "Yes." to which I would have said nothing.
Instead, she said something I didn't anticipate. And before I tell you, let me preface it by saying, I understand where she's coming from. This is a woman who works really, really hard. She has build a business from the ground up while being a mom to a bunch of kids. Everything she's earned she's made happen.
And, to state the obvious, my exasperation over our difference of opinion does not leave me disliking her. I like her very much. (Boy, do I feel like Katie now.) I don't think she'd mind too much me posting this because she's confident and a strong woman who doesn't back down just because someone argues with her.
Okay, so my friend started off by saying she would vote for McCain but that it's not a simple decision. Indeed, I've heard long-time Republican Mormons say they're no longer sure if they want to vote Republican. She said,
"I do want change and I don't agree with the war or the way things have
been going. However Obama's tax plans infuriate me because they
will definitely affect us. I don't believe in "spreading the wealth" as
he puts it. I believe the wealthy have earned their wealth and we can
choose where to spread it. I don't want to be forced to share with
those not aspiring for more. Also, why try if your extra profits are
lost in taxes. we may as well stay in the income bracket we are in. If
we make more we won't get to keep it anyway."
I know that there are people who are happy to sit on their butts for their entire lives, sucking money away from the government while we work to put money into the system that buys their smokes and booze. This happens here in Canada. I GREW UP AROUND IT. Don't say it doesn't happen a lot because I know it does. And it's sad and can be infuriating.
But this was my speedy reply:
"Ooooh, we disagree there. I know a ton a lot of people who are in the
working poor, working two or three jobs and still living at the poverty
level. They can't escape it because they need to stay in those jobs to
afford their ridiculously expensive health care. (For one thing.)
There's only a certain area of income where you could make less
money in your new tax bracket than you made in a lesser tax bracket and that's motivation to make even more, just as you could say poor people
should be motivated to make more money. Not all the wealthy have
earned their wealth. Some people make too damn much, more than is
ethical for the minimal work they do. Sure, that's capitalism for ya.
But have you heard of the law of consecration? You're going to have a
lot of trouble living that if you don't want to share your wealth now.
Not everyone then is going to deserve it either.
Think of it this way: If you could help a family whose house
burned down but to do so you'd also have to help another family who
would use the money to buy crack, would you withhold your riches? If
you do share your riches, wouldn't the Lord reward you by blessing you
with more? If the one family uses that money to buy crack, that's for
the Lord to judge. You will be blessed for being generous.
Don't mind me. Just trying to sway your vote. :-)"
For those of you who don't know, the Law of Consecration is a law that Mormons covenant to be prepared to live one day, when we will share our money and all that we have, so that goods will be distributed evenly and that the Lord's church can grow and prosper. (I'm pretty sure that "all that we have" does not include people. And please-- I'm not interested in debating how wise/silly this is or anything like that. I'll delete such comments because it will take this off-topic.)
She replied that she trusts the church to use her money wisely but not necessarily politicians.
Well, here's the thing:
If we live the Law of Consecration our money WILL be going to church members who were not working as hard as they should have. Goods will be spread equally among people who've not worked equally.
Those who are lazy, those who are addicted, those who just royally suck, do so for a reason. More often than not, those people have paid a price that my friend has never had to pay. Those people have problems so many of us will never have to face. They need help. Even if they never say thank you, even if they never climb out of their ruts, they need our continual compassion.
No one should go hungry. No one should go without health care. No one should go without quality education. These are basic rights.
It doesn't matter how much they work and strive or not. GOD WILL JUDGE THEM.
We simple do not have the resources to create a system that accurately judges people on whether or not they are deserving of our charity; it would cost too much money to organize that. Either we give to all or we withhold from large portions of the population. Even if we could create such a system, we'd need to know everything about each person in order to judge accurately. We would need to know more than what they do with their time-- we'd need to know how they were raised, what their IQ is, how their minds think, how their hearts feel. Only two people can judge accurately: Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.
If we're going to help the lowest in our society-- those who are poor, uneducated and unmotivated-- we can only make a difference if our "help" comes from a place of love, not condemnation. Teach a man to fish, yes, but in the meantime FEED THE POOR GUY. If you think that these people will be motivated by desperation, you're wrong. This already hasn't been working; we have gangs and inner city crime to prove it. And remember your gun laws in the US? Ya, they make that kind of crime "work" easy.
Look at other countries as a model, USA. Look at the UN's Top Countries in the World List. These are countries often described as "socialist", a dirty word to Republicans. I give half my money to my country and I'm happy to do so, knowing that because of us, single moms on welfare have free health care, free glasses, free dental, free food for their kids. I was that kid once. I'm glad my mom was able to be at home with me.
The thing is, people don't necessarily make their income based solely on their work output. Incomes are relative. A lot of middle class people would say that actors and baseball players and doctors don't necessarily "deserve" every dollar they get either. A lot of other factors decide what their income will be, besides the hours they put in or the value of their work-- politics, unions, economy, business partnerships, public opinion, desirability of career, etc. So, given that our incomes are dependent upon some factors that are outside our own control, why should we expect to have ultimate control over where each of our dollars go? Do our countries not give to us priceless protection and rights?
If I'm correct, a tax calculation that compared McCain's plan to Obama's showed that people making 30k will pay half under Obama of what they'd pay under McCain, 100k is equal, and people making 300k will pay about $3000 more. (Will seek references to link.) Cry me a river, People Making Over $300,000. That's 1% of your gross income.
What would Jesus do?
(Please do not spend time in the comments trashing anyone. Please share your opinion on this issue. If you do not agree with me, I would genuinely like to hear why and I'm sure many other people share this interest.)
Daily Gratitudes
I don't have to pay money to give birth-- doctor or midwife. I don't pay for broken arms. I will never go bankrupt because I need brain surgery that my insurance company doesn't fully cover. I only have an insurance policy for optometry, dental and prescriptions.
Our taxes that pay for education are spread evenly so that every child has a more or less equal quality education.
One of my most favourite people in the world is Cathy Patterson. Cathy is funny, strong, moral, ambitious, intelligent, warm, and pretty non-judgmental. I used to consider Cathy my best friend. We spoke many times a day, about our businesses, about our kids, about Grey's Anatomy-- important stuff.
Then, last Halloween she phoned with devastating news I somehow already knew (I'll never understand how I knew and it haunts me): her boy Callum had died at more than 8 months gestation. And the next day, November 1st, Cathy birthed Callum, her stunningly beautiful newborn who would never feel her kiss.
The pain and depression I experienced for her was so bad that it horrifies my soul and my heart to know it was nothing compared to what she has endured for one year, with no answers. No clue as to how this happened, after tests and soul-searching.
Cathy and I have not talked much this year. I would read her blog and then leave comments from my heart, with the best of intentions that sometimes came up way short of "getting it". She didn't need me and my misunderstandings. She needed women who knew exactly how she felt. She found wonderful, much-needed support through blogging. NO ONE SHOULD SAY THAT THESE ONLINE FRIENDSHIPS WE FORM ARE NOT "REAL". They are real for me, real for Cathy and they can be anyone's daily salvation, if necessary.
We emailed occasionally. I phoned a few times and she didn't pick up.
Then a couple of days after school started, Lulu was playing with the phone. I heard a "Hello?" I pulled the phone out of Lulu's hands and said hello back. "Who is this?" I asked. "Cathy," she said. My mind raced. I had just finished posting something on my blog about being sexually abused as a kid and the real name of my aunt in the post is "Cathy". I was afraid my mom read my blog and then contacted Cathy about it and she had phoned me. And as ridiculously unlikely as that was, I guess I thought it was more likely than Cathy answering her phone! :-)
In order to phone her, Lulu had to press the address button, then scroll down to Cathy's number, then press Talk. Someone please explain to me how that happened because it sounds impossible to me.
Cathy answered. My dear Cathy.
It was wonderful to talk to her again. Surreal that one year has gone by already. It's been so hard on her and I've been unable to do nothing to help which I find more frustrating than I can possibly describe.
Now, Cathy is trying to do something to help this cause of stillbirth research. Hardly anything is done to find out why babies die for no apparent reason in utero. So much money has been put into figuring out the causes of SIDS but more babies die from stillbirth. It makes me wonder: Are babies valued more after they get to live for a bit? I hope not because that would be ridiculous. Moms know the babies they grow.
Cathy had a fantastic sling business. (Yes, that's me on the home page.) She made, I dare say, the best slings on the market: very stylish, very thick and solid, very practical. But in the aftermath of her loss, she was unable or unwilling to maintain the business herself. She gifted it to the loving and very capable hands of Cheryl.
Cheryl is making a beautiful, sophisticated sling and donating all proceeds to stillbirth research in Callum's name. It's so generous of Cheryl, a busy mom to donate her time like that.
If you've been looking for a baby sling for wearing your baby or you need a baby shower gift, please consider this sling.
My dear friend Cathy is agnostic, but I'm not. I ask for your prayers on her behalf. Please pray for answers, hope, and peace for her and her family.
I did not link to her blog because I worry that my readers might try to offer her religious explanations or-- Heaven forbid-- say something like, "He's in a better place" as if being with his mom would not be best? If not, why have any of us lived?
I don't know any readers who would say or do that but I can't say I know everyone who doesn't comment.
And if anyone hurt Cathy, I'd have to verbally kick their guts.
Daily Gratitudes
1. I'm married to a dog man with a big heart. 2. I've never lost a child although I almost wish I had so I could really be there for Cathy. 3. Halloween is over.
4. Sleeping in. 5. My friend Mary for babysitting my kids today so we could surprise them with a dog.
Hands down, the #1 reason why you should start a blog and then tell your Facebook friends about it either through your status line or your RSS blog feed updater app thingie...
...is so that Marva H. will read your post and think you had a hard day/week/life/minute and come bring you homemade buns and PERFECTLY COOKED (and I mean perfectly) coconut something-or-other cookies.
We all know that we're not supposed to do service to be seen of our good works. But Marva's surprise delivery made me think... if you want to bring by baked goods any time, I will blog about it so everyone will know just how genuinely charitable and selfless you are and I'll say that you made me promise I wouldn't write anything about it because of course you only did it out of the good of your heart and for my children's stomachs. Wink, wink.
P.S. I like things with lemon and I like 'em tart. I'm just sayin'.
P.P.S. NO, I'm not saying that Marva made me promise not to tell everyone about her good works, Jude. There, I edited it. Happy? Daily Gratitudes
Marva.
Cookies.
Frozen pizza.
Good men.
Bedtime.
(It's been that kind of day. This list was all I could come up with.)
4. Go white water rafting again. Maybe a girlfriend getaway.
5. Visit New York City for two weeks.
6. Build a self-sustaining healthy house on a plot of land large enough to have a big, gorgeous dog that never poops close to home, some sheep, a big garden, and fruit trees but close enough to other people that if someone came to murder us, there would be people to hear the gunshots.
7. Publish a work of mostly fiction. Change the names and details of people I know such that they really have no idea I'm writing about them, the fools.
8. Go to art school.
9. Own a log cabin on a lake where you're allowed to shoot people if they seadoo. Because that's two sports in one: Cottaging and Target Practice.
10. Compost with worms.
11. Finish knitting Montana's baby blanket.
12. Travel Europe and Russia with Jude.
13. Throw a neighborhood carnival block party, raising money for a family in need or other worthy cause.
14. Somehow make international adoption easier. Get airlines to give free airfare to people who are picking up their international adoptive children.
15. Learn pottery.
16. See May Erlewine play live.
17. Visit Art Institute of Chicago.
18. Learn to really sing.
19. Go scuba diving somewhere really colourful and take photos. And live to develop them.
20. Go horseback riding again.
21. Make pesto from scratch.
22. Make a stuffed salmon encased in pastry that's cut to look like a salmon.
23. Learn to really, properly swim.
24. Have an all-girlfriend canoeing-camping trip with someone who can play guitar. Woman with the longest leg hair the next day doesn't have to paddle back.
25. Memorize all the best Scrabble words and tactics.
26. Send my boy on a mission abroad and have him come home a man, in one piece.
27. Lead some kind of teen counseling sessions-- maybe for sexually abused girls?
28. Develop all my online photos with journaling comments before I abandon Facebook.
29. Live in Venice, Italy for a few months.
30. Grow peonies.
31. Learn to can my own fruits and veggies and then actually do it.
32. Visit Vancouver.
33. Visit the Salt Lake Temple.
34. Roll down grassy green hills in Ireland.
35. Catch some fireflies again. Then let them go.
36. Catch some frogs. Then let them go.
37. Get my braces off. Celebrate by rubbing bread and carrots and salmon all over my teeth and then making out with Jude.
38. Get into really fantastic shape. Feel strong and healthy.
39. Become buddies with Jennifer Garner and Gwyneth Paltrow. We would totally mesh.
40. Replace my husband's suits.
41. Write a song and sing it/play it for Jude.
42. Be in the chorus of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat.
43. Finish reading War and Peace by Tolstoy.
44. Read The Pickwick Papers by Charles Dickens.
45. Start rollerblading.
46. See a ghost or an angel. Anyone from another realm will do.
47. See Prairie Home Companion live.
48. See Jack Johnson play from the front row someplace intimate.
49. See Cathy achieve her dreams, however that happens.
50. Be so rich that I can give away money and help all the time to people who need it.
51. Buy a much nicer camera.
52. See Les Miserables live.
53. Learn Photoshop.
54. Get this house finished.
55. Enjoy grass and tree ownership again.
56. Visit the Great Wall of China and leave my name on it somewhere.
57. Become fluent in French.
58. Learn basic Italian.
59. Become fluent in sign language.
60. Become a pretty good chess player.
61. Memorize more jokes.
62. Remember history studied and study more.
63. Become more charitable in my heart.
64. Have an Etsy store.
65. Visit London, bump into Jude Law and have him quickly fall in love with me then turn him away because I'm married and Mormon enough to care that I'm married, which will only make him love me all the more, of course.
66. Design my own house blueprints.
67. Teach Daisy to read and watch her silently devour books.
68. Be in a musical/play with Daisy.
69. Take a hot air balloon ride only for a mile and only about 100 feet in the air because that's just crazy to risk your life like that.
70. Never visit Disneyland or Disneyworld. Ha!
71. Make healthy cookies I actually love. For my grandkids.
72. Learn how to break dance. Or at least do that move where you support your body just on your hands tucked under your belly? That move.
73. Hold a hand stand for at least five seconds.
74. Do a back flip. With a belt on. Tied to the ceiling.
75. Hear James Taylor play live.
76. Become friends with Rosie O'Donnell.
77. Be able to roll in a kayak.
78. Adopt some older children when my kids are older or be a foster parent.
79. Have some of my poetry published. Under a different name.
80. Have a butler's pantry right off my kitchen and have it extremely organized at all times.
81. Raise my children to be nonjudgmental, kind, good, humble, open-minded but critical thinkers. And happy.
82. Teach Lulu to read.
83. Swim in an Italian grotto.
84. Host a dinner under a large canopy-like tree, with candle lanterns.
85. Be able to do one pull-up.
86. Find casual jeans that I love that don't get all stretched out after five minutes, don't gap at the waist, aren't 34" inseam, and don't have too-high pockets.
87. See my sister happy and well-off in B.C.
88. Meet my all of my virtual friends. (Have now met almost all.)
89. Teach my girls hand clapping games.
90. Sleep in a hammock in Hawaii with mellow island beat music playing and with the waves splashing in the background.
91. Go seashell hunting near the Bay of Fundy.
92. Take a cottage vacation alone where I can read, and paint, and write and sleep for 13 hours straight.
93. Be mortgage and debt-free.
94. Get Lasik eye surgery.
95. Hire a housecleaner and have her over twice a week FOREVER.
96. Since my house will be so clean: Have fresh flowers year-round.
97. Learn to juggle.
98. Join Toastmasters.
99. Learn to cook Indian.
.
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