Musings on privacy

I started this blog in 2008 with musings on privacy, on discretion, on what we keep from each other and why. I still think about this every now and then and I haven't found any reason to abandon my opinion I held then, which was that people keep things to themselves out of fear, out of insecurity that if their friends and acquaintances really knew what they think and feel and do, that they would not respect and like them. 

If I had to pick one word that I think defines North American society, one word that's the subtext of so many discussions, so many ideologies, I would choose "shame". 

We're ashamed of our appearances, our sexualities, our races, our lack of educations, our incomes, our beliefs or lack of beliefs. I'm sure there's more but that's the meaty bulk of it.

Like everyone, I care what people think, although usually only certain people. But I have worked at not caring too much and think I am pretty successful. Nothing forces you to not care too much like baring that which people think you should keep hidden and then dealing with the fall-out. It's SO much easier to just keep your mouth shut, to keep your real self for a select few, and chalk it up to "dignity" or "convention" or "privacy", like being private is just something you naturally are, like extroverted or introverted. I guess it is, to the extent that it's related to introversion. If you're not one to talk much about anything, that would include talking about yourself.

I think people who say, "I'm a very private person" should start saying, "I'm a very ashamed person", then ask themselves if that could be as true or more true than the first statement and really sit with that inquiry. 

Some people are private because they hold some information sacred and they like to have secrets between them and someone they love. It makes that information seem more special. I don't know what I think about this. It's an interesting way to look at things. I wouldn't say at this point that this is a false experience or a false way to think but I will say that it's not necessarily true that sharing information makes it feel less special.

Because think of this: What if your significant other wrote you a letter and expressed the loveliest sentiments about you that anyone ever has, and you showed it to fifty people and all of them just adored it and thought that it was so special and so sacred and they were just touched that you shared it with them because it made them feel happy to know that such love exists in the world. Would you regret having shared it? Would it feel less special to you, to have fifty people agree that it was so super duper special? Really? Now, what if you showed it to fifty people and half of them made fun of it, pointed out the spelling mistakes, and questioned some of the sentiments because they sounded like clichés that your partner got from some bad romance novel? Would you regret it because people sullied it for you? Why? If half of the people loved it and half hated it, who is right? No one. So, why do we tend to let the negative opinions silence us? And would we do that if only 5% of the people were the grumpy ones? 

It's about strength of mind—whether or not we let other people's interpretations of us and our beliefs and the things we love silence us. Shame is a choice. 

I've been letting go of shame in increments. I've been getting more comfortable with my body. I walk around my apartment naked and don't care if people can see me. I trust some people with more and more sensitive information about me. And I can't help but think that one day, it would be so great to be as free and confident about who I am, as Greta Christine is about who she is. I mean, read that post. She doesn't give a *bleep* what conservatives or Christians or anyone else thinks. She knows what works for her, what's true for her, she's happy, she shares it and if people can't identify then they should politely get lost and people who do are thrilled that she is so open. 

And you might wonder what the point of such writing is. Oh, to change the world. To abandon shame. To inspire other people to abandon shame. To give a big F-U to patriarchy and all the people who want us to feel ashamed so that we'll let them take control of our society and laws so they can be comfortable and self-satisfied and smug. 

Take, for example, marriage laws. Marriage has existed the way it has not because it's inherently more moral or successful when it's made of a man and a woman, but because of religion, fear of ostracism at best and death at worse (or worser worst: torture and then death), and... what else? True democracy being a relatively new thing? Patriarchy? Because, see, polygamy being okay even though it's marriage between more than two people, and is unequal, makes sense in a patriarchal society. Because it's nice for men, not for women.

And now we have countries and states allowing gay people to get married. The conservative right argues that once we allow gays to get married, soon we'll be forced to allow polyamorous marriages. Yes, and...?

So often these arguments are made without further explanation because the tone in which they're made suggests the foregone conclusion: that would be gross and bad. 

But the only reason we might be prone to believing that is because we're not exposed to these supposedly gross and bad ideas, so we don't know any better and we're not exposed to them because the people living these lifestyles are quiet about them because of shame. Or fear of intolerance.

Without shame, we would see all sorts of different lifestyles coming out of the woodwork and we'd be able to determine how well they work or not to make people happy and healthy based not on speculative Christian rhetoric, but on anecdotal evidence. 

The more people feel shame, the more problems they will have, in general and in their relationships. They don't feel shame because what they're doing is inherently evil and stupid. They feel shame because they've been told to over and over again.

If people stay hidden and ashamed, then there aren't enough of them to challenge laws, to change social mores, and then the conservative majority gets to feel like they're normal and right, and they don't have to be tolerant of other kinds of love relationships. 

I don't think privacy is an evolutionary value. People are meant to be in tribes. In Roman times, they bathed and toileted publicly (even used communal sponges—eek!). There are still countries where people toilet publicly. I seem to recall reading that in parts of Hawaii, it is expected that everyone will know your business. 

I wonder where it all started.

/musing

Daily Gratitudes

1. The sun did come out today... briefly.

2. I bought the most delicious artisanal olive focaccia at the farmer's market, and more amazing macaron ice cream sandwiches. 

3. Robert, Michelle, and I (but mostly them) are organising a feminist philosophy discussion group. Paul made a lovely poster for us today for free. I'm excited!

4. I love hearing Josie's sweet voice and laugh. I'm so madly in love with that girl. She's going to grow up into something amazing. 

5. Knitted socks.

Comments

[kimberly]

Or fear.

Shame can come from fear, but fear can be fear based on something different than shame.

Like fear of judgment. I shouldn't care, but sometimes I do.

But while I fear how people would judge or misunderstand me for divulging many things that I keep private, I'm not ashamed of those things.

I also don't share some things with people simply because it would fall on deaf ears or be trampled by them. Sometimes I care if they were to tarnish or criticize something that was precious to me, but other times I just feel like I would be wasting a really good "share" if I already knew that being open about it would not be understood.

I'm very open depending on the degree of openness of the person with whom I'm talking, the idea of meeting people where they are.

Btw, what *is* macaron ice cream?

[Natasha]

Macarons are French cookies that are chewy and tender and kind of melt in the mouth. They are unlike anything else. They are used as the "bread" of the cookie sandwich.

[JJ]

Nothing wrong with keeping a few things for just yourself.
No shame in holding on to a secret or 6 with the person you love very best.

Also, nothing wrong with feeling differently.

[Rich]

I occasionally catch my wife off guard with some really personal stuff I've shared with her. She says she's pleasantly surprised. I really like the fact that I trust her enough to expose some of my darkest and deepest thoughts and fears and feelings. So much of that was violated in my previous marriage. I love being able to trust again; it's very cathartic for me, and feels like we are much closer as a result.