A letter I got after my "Bear My Burden?" post.

So, I prayed before posting this. I felt peace. But that wasn't enough for me. I wanted more info. I asked if anything bad would happen. In response, I heard words in my head that some bad and some good would happen and how I handled it would decide if it was worth it or not. I asked Jude and he said that I should post it.

Shortly after posting, something bad happened that got worked out.

And then on the same day, I got this letter, below. AND Jude Law appeared on SNL. Coincidence? I think not. Blessings all around. (His opening monologue was SO good.)

I have frequently felt that talking about this issue is something I should do because there are people who can be helped by my ability to be fairly open and to not care too much about what people think. (Of course, there will always be things I won't talk about to protect my family's privacy.)

But I wrote about this because I wanted people to understand that homosexuality isn't all about sex and the challenge to live with it is not even all about avoiding relationships. I certainly can't avoid all female friendships and I don't like the distance I have to keep in order to not develop feelings for straight friends. It's a much bigger issue than simply choosing behaviours.

I wanted people to have a glimpse into the real feelings and pain that people feel. I wanted to inspire compassion for me, yes, but also some other Mormons who have same sex attractions/longings.

This email, from someone I hope is a new friend, made me cry. I've changed some details to protect her privacy. Also, sorry about the Mormon lingo, all you non-Mormons.

Dear Natasha,

I would be honored to help bear your burden; you have already helped me bear mine. That's what sisters in Zion are for, and though we are strangers, you are also my dear sister, and I am sorry that you hurt. I will keep you in my prayers.

I discovered your blog not long ago; I don't remember what lead me there, but I'm pretty sure it must have been divine inspiration. I read through your experiences with depression, and they are so similar to my own. I know those feelings. It was a comfort to know that someone else understands, and understands them from an LDS gospel perspective. And then, just a few months ago, my husband and I went through an upheaval in our marriage of 14 years as a result of his same-sex attraction. Nothing happened, but I think it came close. It shook a lot of things loose that we're still putting aright. He's had to consider issues he's been trying NOT to deal with his whole life.

I had a very hard time not feeling it was a rejection of me, or that he was using me to cover up who he really was. But I happened to visit your blog and read what you'd written about your own same-sex attraction, and it helped me understand, so much more clearly, what a challenge it must be. Even more, it helped me *calm down*. 

I know this is one of the most difficult challenges of mortality that our Heavenly Father has given his children.

As my husband and I talked, and as I pondered what you had written, I realized that it doesn't matter if my husband is attracted to other people, male or female or both; what matters is that he's made a promise to me and to the Lord that we will work together to build a family in the Lord's way. And I suspect that those who do this while having to reign in attractions that the rest of the world is encouraging them to express, will be blessed in abundance. And I know that doesn't make things any easier right now. Believe me, I know.

One of the things that has always helped me get through my worst depressions is remembering that Christ has experienced, firsthand, everything that we experience.  When he hung on the cross, just before giving up his life, and cried out "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?" to me, this shows that he felt the depths of despair: when it's impossible even to feel the presence of the Spirit. I don't believe Heavenly Father turned away from Christ for one second, but it was necessary for Christ to feel *as though he had* so he'd know truly what it felt like to believe he had been forsaken. And I believe he knows, from experience, what it is like to experience homosexual attraction, and to be asked not to express that attraction in his behavior.

I've thought about this a lot. I really do believe he understands this issue from the inside out. I know there are people who would probably see that as some sort of blasphemy; I see it as a remarkable, wonderful thing. Because he understands each of us, and our struggles, perfectly. He knows. He aches for us and with us when we ache, not just from sympathy and love, but from real understanding. I don't know if it helps you to think of that, but it might. Turn your grief and loss and love over to him; he knows how to comfort you. I hope I'm not sounding too preachy or like I think it's easy. I know it's not. I don't know what I would do if I were in your shoes. I've even told my husband that I want him to be happy, and if that means he has to leave the family, then we'll deal with that. I don't want him to leave, but I don't want him to stay and feel he's stifling part of himself, either. It's a hard path to find.

I've been lucky that I have a couple of LDS friends who know me, and whom I could talk with about this, without being judged. But I know what you mean about wishing we could discuss those things that trouble our hearts most closely in church, and get support from our Relief Society sisters without fear of being judged or shunned. The members of the church *should* be able to do this for one another. And maybe it's too much to ask for all of them to be able to handle complicated issues. But I've come to believe that this is one of the blessings of modern technology; we can find those who know how to help us bear our burdens across the miles; around the world. But I hope you can feel me trying to lift you from here.

I hope some of this makes sense; I feel like I'm babbling. But I just wanted to say I'm here, if you ever want to talk; you've already helped me more than I can express through your honest and open writings on your blog. I'm grateful for your words, and hope you will find your way through this grief and back to joy soon. You're in my prayers.

Daily Gratitudes

1. A sunny day.
2. A smidgen of resolution that I can move on.
3. Being able to be a listening ear to another woman in our church ward. Wiping her tear away and seeing that easy, minor act of tenderness made her feel better.
4. Ron rubbing my back (in front of Pam), in an affectionate effort to comfort me, I think, or suggest that he's there for me. That minor act of tenderness meant a huge amount to me and almost had me burst into tears. I so wish that adults could adopt other adults. I'd go to the temple to be sealed to him and Pam. 
5. We finally received our tax refund and the cheque from one of our neighbor's for her portion of the fence.