Becoming Something

CMB: The Canadian women's hockey players drinking/smoking "scandal"

Let it first be known that I am Mormon and as such don't drink alcohol or smoke cigarettes or cigars. I don't personally identify with celebration by way of boozing and smoking.

Despite my bias, I think the offense that's being taken over a few players on the Canadian women's hockey team drinking and smoking on the Olympic ice after hours is an overreaction.

The story appears to be dying out in the media, but Facebook friends and acquaintances are still reactionary. One Facebook friend used the words "disgusted" and "stupid".

I'd like to make some quick points:

1. Celebration by boozing is more than just a Canadian past time, it's a worldwide ritual.
2. The players were likely exhausted.
3. They were likely still high on adrenaline.
4. They are young and naturally in a post-win self-absorbed state of mind. 
5. This was their off-time.
6. The arena was near empty. It possibly did not occur to them to analyse the last few people left to see if they appeared to be of the media.
7. I've read no mention of coaches being present or near.

This is an original Canada Moms Blog post and I cannot repost it in full. To continue reading, please click here.

Daily Gratitudes

1. My lovely friend and nanny, Sarah.
2. I applied to college with the intention of completing a 4-year B.A. in English.
3. Jude bought me a new MacBook Pro for college.
4. The weather has been very warm. I'm so anxious for Spring. I am my worst self in February, this year only better because of Sarah's presence.
5. I am getting slimmer and a bit stronger and hopefully healthier.

Deconstruction of a joke that was never made; OR, How I say good morning

"Anyway, I just wanted to say good morning and I hope you slept well and I hope it's sunny [where you are] today and I'm thinking of you and the tip of my left shoulder aches for no apparent reason at all."

She said this in email and I laughed.  But I think she thought, in my reply, that I was laughing at another small inside joke.  And I was.  I was chuckling inwardly at the tiny double entendre I made of her small inside joke.

Begin Gmail chat.

Me: It was the line about your shoulder that made me laugh.

Ann: Dang

"and my shoulder aches" just doesn't work as a sign-off

although I'm glad that made you laugh
that WAS the point

Me: Oh, ACHES
Oh, darn, Ann.
I thought it said "arches"

Ann: did I typo it?

Me: I thought you were being funny.
And now I know you weren't being funny at all

Ann: well, I was and I wasn't

just not the way you thought

Me: slightly funny. it's funnier when the comment has no reason for its existence.

Ann: I was being funny because it was an unexpected addition to my list of morning greetings

Me: right

Ann: okay

Me: a bit of a non sequitur
But think of how much funnier it is to say: "and the tip of my left shoulder arches for no reason at all"

For one thing:

don't both shoulders do this?
why only mention the left?
And the very tip: How DO you find the tip of a round part? 
Can an arch have a tip?

Ann: well, yes, I can see how that would be MUCH funnier

Me: Secondly: it probably does arch for a reason

and you are merely ignorant to that reason

and prideful enough to think that your ignorance is the map and compass of Sensibility

Ann: LOL

Me: then there's the uncalled-for-ness

why say this now about your shoulder?

that would be the obviously funny part
but because I am the clever sort
I don't go to the most obvious first when I laugh

or maybe I did and it was so obvious that it brushed past my consciousness, my funny bone, ever so quick, so I could continue on to the meat of the joke.

Ann: you are making me truly laugh out loud
I think this should be a blog post. Seriously. Your deconstruction of the joke you thought I made.

Please, do.

transcribe it to your blog

Best laid plans....

A couple of people have asked how that book is going, and reading too.  About that.

I've run into a new health problem that will need surgery.

I've also been prompted to try eating gluten-free for a while to see if that alleviates my anemia and hair loss.  *sigh*

Eating gluten-free is a gigantic hassle, if you can't already imagine.  I can't even eat oatmeal.  I just bought some organic steel cut oats I was looking forward to trying!  Man!  I can't make spanakopita with phyllo pastry.  *slight wimper*

I've also felt compelled to try food combining again.

I used to live on a very strict diet and it wasn't a big deal.  I didn't mind.  But that was pre-kids.  I don't even like to bake like a normal person never mind experimenting with tapioca and sorghum and hating the result.  Yes, you can just buy ready-made gluten-free bread and such in the grocery store and some things are not bad but some are evil:

These supposedly amazing wraps fell apart withing seconds AND tasted like the desert. 

So, anyway, I have not been writing or reading anything other than health-related articles.  I'm bogged down with appointments with a physiotherapist, doctors, chiropractor, and a friend who does something with energy and moving organs around.  I don't know what it is and don't care because it feels good and is dirt cheap. 

Back to basics.  So much for plans.  ;-)

Daily Gratitudes

1. Sarah's cheerful help.
2. Two sunny days in a row.  If Mother Nature's not careful, I just might get energetic.
3. A passionate, caring physiotherapist.
4. Expertise of friends, ever helpful.  Bless.
5. Technology.

Pondering addictions and excommunication and salvation *updated*

I am writing this from the local library on a computer whose interface makes me feel like I'm in 1995.  I'm on some proprietary browser and everything is extra-large.  Hi, people-behind-me-who-might-be-reading-everything-I-write.  How are you today? 

For family scripture study this morning, Jude chose a scripture that had something to do with patience.  I'm trying to remember the gist of the scripture as I type within the confines of 1995.

I should be working on my book, 'Becca tells me.  But I need some warm-up time.  I'm not used to this childless freedom and I'm too hyper inside to settle down to purposefulness.  As well, this book on addiction is just something I need to read right now.

* * *

Hey, remember when I mentioned I'm reading a book about addiction?  About that:  Ouch.  What a sad read.  With the people I've known, the stories I've read, the experiences I've had, and the things that Jude goes through in his work, I'm not easy to shock.  But a couple of the stories in this book shocked me.  It's astounding at how destructive people can be whilst aware of and loathing their destructive behaviour.  Or more commonly, people are caught in spells of motion, in disassociated states. 

I already knew that people are prone to addictive behaviours to block out trauma.  However, it's news to me that people also seek out behaviours in order to feel their trauma.  Isn't that interesting? 

In order for recovery from trauma to occur, people need to access their fear and release it.  Unfortunately, while we instinctively seek to be freed from our fear, while a primal part of our consciousness seeks healing, we don't actually know how to achieve our goal.  So we try out different methods:

• alcohol
• drugs
• sex
• love
• food
• gambling
• distraction
• obsession

I would think that most people attempt to be freed from trauma by running away from it via one of the above methods.  However, some people try to recreate it, hoping for a different ending.  I don't understand how this would relate to (for example) a pedophile acting out things that were done to him as a child.  I wonder about the cognitive process that takes place in that situation....

The book I'm reading says, "Chronically overwhelmed with emotions, trauma victims have lost their ability to use emotions as guides to figure out what they need, let alone figure out how to get the need met."

As I've been reading I've been thinking of people I know who have done odd things, things that other people find easy to judge, and my heart is broken for the pain that I know must be embedded within;  I wonder if they even have access to it.  One thing I've learned from personal experience is that a single trauma can affect a person for years because they are not able to feel and manage the pain all at once; it leaks out in little bits throughout their lives.  That's the way it has to happen but it's tragic because it means that just when a person thinks she is healed, she is ready for another hit of pain to manage.  If the pain is dealt with in a healthy way, it gets easier each time.  If pain is dealt with in an unhealthy way, it gets more and more difficult to feel or block the pain until it all comes to a head.

I find it most frustrating that despite knowing as much about my pain, problems, and behaviour as any psychologist has been able to infer, I still go about dealing with the pain in unhealthy ways.  I know just as well as anyone what is healthy and what is unhealthy.  I'm not doe-eyed;  I'm overwhelmed with emotion.  Pain is... painful.  And unless masochism is a hobby, most people seek the first exit off Torture Highway.

Everyone does this.  We all seek refuge from our emotions from time to time.  Many, many people do this through food and because it's such a common experience, people feel like they can talk openly about their unhealthy noshing, and even joke about it.  "I'm 300 lbs and slowing killing myself though it worries or outright scares the people who love me and interferes with how I interact with people and helps determine the activities I'm able to do but [insert joke about food or being fat here], ha ha ha this is your cue to laugh with me because you identify with this common problem." And people do laugh back at the fat jokester because being addicted to food is not as shocking or pitiable as alcohol, drugs, or the internet, even though it is destructive.

Yet, when we learn about a shocking sex scandal our first reaction is disgust and judgment, and we have no qualms about vocalising these reactions. Why is it funny to joke about food addiction or internet addiction but if Tiger Woods sleeps with a town-full of women we feel comfortable judging him?  He can't be really happy or at peace with this behaviour. There must be some dysfunctional self-regard that drives his compulsion.

The only thing that makes an obese over-eater different from someone with a sex addiction is chance.  (I could write an essay on that sentence but I'm going to move along here and expound upon that only if anyone wants to argue with my assertion.)

* * *

Of all the destructive things that people do, all the stupid things, all the outbursts, I think we'd be hard-pressed to find pure selfishness as the root of the problems.  Sure, people are selfish, but why?  It's never as simple as "I chose my pleasure over your pain because I don't see anything wrong with that or I don't care".  Never.  Even when someone is a sociopath or psychopath, there are good reasons for that.  Is it possible that these are brain disorders brought about by neglect or abuse and there will be more forgiveness for people with these brain disorders than there will be for the people who judge them?

I wonder about Judgment Day.  Sometimes I get the feeling that some people view things like our coming to earth, God's commandments, and excommunication mainly as a test or filtering process of Good Guys and Bad Guys. Like God made these spirit children and then he wanted to know which were the really good ones and which were the not-so-good ones.

I can't wrap my mind around this idea that God sent us here mainly to test our faith.  It's ridiculous.  Think about it:  We sat (or stood, lounged, did jumping jacks) up in heaven, discussed our plans for mortality and we agreed to take on relationships and responsibilities that we really knew nothing about.  (We had no idea how painful this life would be, so how relevant is it that we chose it?  It's like asking a child if they want to do a calculus assignment so they can receive a lollipop after-- what do you think they're going to say?  Even those spirits who chose Lucifer's plan over Jehovah's wanted to come to earth.  We all did.  We just disagreed on the terms.)

Then, God removed all of our premortal living from our remembrance.  We got sent to parents who barely qualified to raise plants, or, at the very least, were flawed humans who didn't meet all our needs to help us grow up perfectly without any neuroses (because no parents are perfect);  we suffered pain and humiliation;  we were submersed in a thousand distractions both important and not;  we were forced into time, space, and non-telepathic communication, all unnatural to our eternal spiritual beings.   Then, if we fail to uphold our covenants--  covenants we make with more desire to keep than raw ability to keep, covenants we make without really knowing what we're getting into, without knowing how difficult the future will be, trusting that we will want our eternal reward even if right now it doesn't sound all that desirable (possibly)-- that's it?  We failed the test?  God allows thousands of obstacles to litter our path and then when we give up, we don't love him enough or we didn't have enough faith?  It's just that simple?

One could argue that if people fail to keep their covenants it's simply because they weren't reading their scriptures prayerfully and they weren't praying, yadda yadda, but,

1. with all the people who have been disfellowshipped and excommunicated I'm skeptical that every single one of them was not reading their scriptures and praying, and
2. some people are just really, really damaged, period:  even whilst doing the things they're supposed to be doing, they can be doing things they're not supposed to be doing because their dysfunctionality simply overrides their desire to be spiritual and obedient. 

We're told that the Lord won't tempt us more than we can bear but the reality is that we ALL, at some point, lack enough faith to believe in that.  And what counts as a temptation, anyway?  Everything that is difficult?  And what does "bear" mean, exactly?  I've never met one person whose only sinning came from not knowing what was right.  We all do things we shouldn't do, knowing we shouldn't do them, so if that doesn't prove that by giving us this existence and allowing free will to have reign that God has given us more than we can bear at times, then it at least brings the meanings of "tempt" and "bear" into question.  Everyone knows what it's like to give up on something and, whether large or small, I'm not sure that the thought process to giving up differs between people.  So, if we all give up on something, how can we judge that which our brothers and sisters choose to give up on?  I would think that when people give up on something big and difficult -- like striving for a temple marriage when you feel as gay as a blue Spring day -- that it should be easier to understand and forgive than when someone gives up on something smaller and easier, like reading scriptures everyday. 

Is it possible that God's understanding is greater for some of the bigger sins we might commit?  I don't mean that he'll be more lenient -- because consequences are for our own benefit -- merely, compassionate, understanding, sympathetic. 

That said, we are told that Christ is merciful.  I think of my uncle who molested me and think of his abusive upbringing and I feel forgiveness and mercy for him, wanting him to receive the same reward I might one day receive if all goes well.  And I'm just a mortal with pride issues and a limited view of my uncle's life and no insight into his heart and mind.  So imagine how much more merciful Christ will be, he who knows exactly how my uncle felt, he who knows the limitations of his understanding and intelligence.  If I would be willing to let my uncle into heaven if he wanted to be there, why wouldn't Christ? 

I do believe that there is a strait (straight) and narrow pathway to heaven.  However, I don't believe that even those of us who know all the motions required will need to reach the end of that narrow pathway in this life.  I don't believe that the teachings and strivings and choices available in the spirit world are for non-LDS people only.  I don't believe that even dying in a state of excommunication is the end.  I used to think that and I don't know why.  Maybe because of the scripture that whatever is bound or loosed on earth is also done so in heaven?

However, what does that mean, really?  It's in reference to the power of the priesthood but even the power of the priesthood given to men does not supercede the power of God, or the power of the Holy Ghost.  Ordinances have been performed by unworthy priesthood holders without needing redoing because it's the Holy Ghost that witnesses to it and sanctifies it.  Surely, excommunications have taken place because the letter of the law pointed clearly to that conclusion while the priesthood leaders did not know the heart of the matter because maybe the person being excommunicated didn't even know. 

Our leaders work with the best information they have, not always having all the relevant information.  We don't always have all of the relevant information for why we do the things we do.

So, of course, the Lord has the last say.  And thank goodness because I trust him completely. 

This is all leading to my belief that the main reason we came to earth was not to be tested to prove that we really, really love God, but to fill the measure of our creation, become wise and experienced, and to truly know love and compassion.  God doesn't need us to prove that we love Him.  He already knows that we do and those who act like they don't have just forgotten that they do.  One day they will remember all, and whether they are with Him or not they will love Him and want to be with Him.  I'm not so sure that He needs us to prove by our actions that we're good, either.  Our actions could signify much or very little.  Only He knows our hearts. 

We come here clouded in forgetfulness and sometimes shrouded in misery.  Then, even when we think we've connected all the dots in our own lives or the lives of others, between stimuli and response, we miss some.  We might make huge mistakes.  But they're not necessarily the end of our stories. 

All these commandments are less about testing and more instructions on how to be happy, healthy and strong, and how to not hurt each other.  Is it possible that the Mormon sound bite that we came to earth to receive bodies and to be tested and tried refers not to testing by way of being under trial with one of two results at the end, but rather assessment and identification?  One can be assessed without that assessment being the actual pass/fail test.

I just don't see Christ saying to us, "Erm, sorry.  We added up your results and you failed the test."  Like C.S. Lewis says, the doors to hell are locked from the inside.  If this is true, then the doors to heaven must be open wide and we won't go in only if we choose not to.  We'll be given many chances to choose to because Christ and Heavenly Father want us there.  Their arms are open wide. 

There are many mansions in our father's kingdom, the scriptures say.  The path to exaltation, the highest degree of glory in the Celestial Kingdom might be narrow, but there are other degrees to be found where there will be learning and growth and love and joy and I believe that some of the people who will be there will be starting out with only the ability to want to be there and the discipline of being perfect will come in graduations.  It only makes sense.

I don't believe that God's predominant personality trait is vengeance.  I don't believe that he judges us as harshly as we judge ourselves or each other.

(I don't have a sex addiction in case you were wondering.  But if I did, that would be okay because it would just be where I was at, and probably for good reason. Our spiritual ailments matter less than what we're doing to overcome them.  Even baby steps is good enough.)

(Katie thought this was a weird and out-of-context comment. I just thought that this is what I would speculate if I read a post like this. Also, I thought it would sound funny, which, of course, it doesn't because it's out of context.)

Daily Gratitudes

1. Sarah our temp nanny.  She is funny and a go-getter and fabulous with our kids.  And it's so much fun to copy each other's accents. 
2. The opportunity to remember what it's like to sit in a library for hours just to read, research, write and to not be responsible for anyone.  I remembered being a student and I missed it.  And I came home feeling so much more patient with my kids, and when Daisy asked me to sleep with her in my bed I didn't feel like she was tearing me away from my writing.  I wanted to be with her to cuddle.  I usually don't at the end of the day.
3. Jude making me laugh via email and Twitter.
4. A nice gospel discussion with my friend Ron.
5. New friends.