Okay, okay, okay. I read between the lines of what many of you said to me in comments to my last blog post, and said to me privately, and took from it the encouragement that I need. You're all so sweet to be so earnestly encouraging. Kisses and hugs from me.
First, I need to make clear that my last post was a bit confusing. I made it sound like I was depressed. Probably because I said I was depressed. Really, I was slightly bummed out but I used the word "depressed" just because I thought it was funny to be "depressed" about a "happiness" project. What-- you couldn't read my mind? I really make my own amusement too much of a priority. Must work on that. Sorry.
So, even though I intended to focus on my near-future goals, even though that was the whole reason I went to the computer to write a blog post, you all commented on the first part of my blog post. My bummed-out-ness was the title of the post and, comprised much of the post so I could see why you focused on that. Gosh, you're so smart.
I don't always think things through.
Okay, so here's what's up:
I've been thinking for a while of writing a book about how to be happy, although I didn't think of it in such simple terms (not that there's anything wrong with that). And I knew that I didn't have the concept yet but that it would come to me when the time was right. I've been very frustrated and listless alternating with restless because I knew that there was a Something for me to do but I didn't know what it was and didn't know when I'd figure out what it was. I'm a pretty impatient person so I haven't been tolerating this lack of direction very well.
So, then I came upon The Happiness Project (didn't even know it was a best-seller-- had never even heard of it before, I'm just that good at spotting a great book) and instantly knew that it was what I could have written. And I thought that my Something that would have eventually come to me was taken.
But of course if that was true, I wouldn't have been feeling this call to an up-and-coming Something.
I have known since I was like, 12, that I would one day write a self-help type book or a memoir thing. I'm telling you, I've known this. Just like I knew I would have a gifted kid like my son. Just like I've known a lot of things that have come to pass.
I started my blog for three reasons: 1) to share accurate information and heartfelt testimony about my church, 2) to practise my writing, 3) to work out self-help stuff. I've used it as a dumping ground, though, lots of times. Which I think is fine. But, lately I've been feeling like I need to do less blogging and more reading and serious writing; I just didn't know what about.
Today, it all came to me exactly what I am supposed to write.
I think I actually might be inspired by God to do this. I have a preface mostly written, half in my head, half on paper-- paper, even! (I only write on paper when I'm desperate. I let the kids go on the computer and I hand-wrote stuff down, which I hate to do. That's commitment and the need for immediacy, right there, people.) Also, I have an outline for three parts.
I mean what I said in the comments that I can't just write The Happiness Project II. Not only is a reputable publisher not going to want to publish it, but also, I think that would be egotistical. I'm not writing a book just to write a book. If I'm going to spend that much time and energy writing something I want it to be relevant. If my book is not needed, if there's not a gap in the market, then why bother?
I can't live with a book being both unneeded AND unsuccessful.
As far as I'm aware, there is a gap.
And even if I can never get anyone to publish my book of awesomeness, I can always self-publish and sell it and help a few people and write something great for my kids and grandkids and I will feel like I did what I felt called to do and it was good enough. I can live with good enough.
I'm extremely tired and exhausted and my hands aren't typing very well but I'm so excited that I had to write this down before bed.
I'm nervous, though. Because I tend to give up when the going gets tough. Sometimes giving up is useful and the right thing to do. Usually not, though. But I was never taught to not give up. My mom let me quit everything. She did my school homework, even up until grade 9. And the example that was set before me was to quit everything. Seriously, if I made a list, your mouth would probably hang open. So, to work at something, to have faith, to not give up, completely goes against all my experience.
I'm pretty sure that at some point here I'm going to want to give up. Please, if you have any sway at all, any powers of persuasion, don't let me give up? I promise I will remember your encouragement and list you by name in my credits. :-) In my credits of my little book that I will self-publish (or not, if I'm lucky). ;-p
