Banana banter

"Do you want pancakes?  There's no maple syrup.  Or that blackberry stuff."

Sigh.  "No."

Later he asked, "Do you want to try a pancake with honey?"

I recoiled.  "No."

My little caretaker would not let up.  I need to eat breakfast every day to lose weight and to take my 67 supplements that won't sit well on an empty stomach, supplements I depend on for better thyroid function, to grow my hair back, to ward off depression.  I'm like Jaguar:  You buy it for its obvious beguiling entreaties, then curse your impracticality whenever you need to order in a new, expensive, hard-to-find part.  Or so I hear.

"Would you like some yogurt?"

"Some plain, sour yogurt?" I scoffed only somewhat snottily. "No thanks."

"I was thinking vanilla yogurt."

"Oh.  Ya, sure, I guess."

Moments later my Oprah quiz-taking was interrupted by two attached pots of vanilla yogurt stuck in my face.

"Double barreled, ma'am," he said.

"How old is this?"

"I don't know."

"Well, check."

"I threw the tops in the garbage."

"I know.  But you can check."

"Well, how does it smell?"

I sniffed. "It smells... fine.  But the colour is weird.  Yellowy. And it's runny."  It had been a while since I'd eaten yogurt.

"Try it."

I hesitated.  I tried it.  It was fine. 

I just about finished the quiz to find out what I'm made to do for the rest of my life, or even a part of it, when Jude came near. 

"Mmm," I said, signalling that he should wait for me to take my refuse because I was nearly done cleaning out the second pot of yogurt.  He read my mind, as I knew he would.  Or maybe that was why he came near in the first place.  And I didn't even tip him. 

"Take your time."

I giggled and smiled like a little girl, scooped out the last bits from the corners, then handed it to him with a yogurt-painted grin. 

"Do you want anything else?  A banana?"

I sighed.  "Sure, I'll take a banana."

"Do you want maybe a banana roll-up with chocolate?"

"No, I don't want a banana roll-up!"  Why does he keep pestering me with banana roll-ups?  Is he on some advertising committee for bananas in stiff, whole wheat tortillas?  Is it some secret food-of-the-day like Pee Wee Herman's word-of-the-day, and if he manages to get me take a bite he'll win a prize, of satisfaction if nothing else?  After nearly 11 years of marriage, why would he feel the need to ask this question to which the answer should be obvious?

"I barely want bananas at all, never mind banana-somethings.  I don't like banana anything.  I never eat bananas because I want bananas.  I have never wanted a banana.  I just eat them anyway." 

Rifling through the fridge he asked,  "Do you want an apple?"

"No."

"Do you want some Vector cereal?  Maybe with Apple Jacks mixed in?"  WTH?  Apple Jacks?  Mixed in? 

"I want a banana!"

"But you said you didn't want a banana!"

I laughed.  "No, I said that I never 'want' bananas but that I eat them anyway.  So from all the times I've reluctantly eaten bananas you should take away that this is one of those times!  Like, duh." 

"Oh.  I don't know how I could have missed that."

We both laughed. 

He brought me a banana.  I ate all but two bites, then set it beside me on the sofa while I finished my quiz and here's what I ascertained:  If you know yourself well enough to answer the quiz questions, you know the answers already.  And when your tally is the same for three of the seven possible categories of personality, you're no better off than you were before the quiz.  Now you're saying, See Oprah?  Even you don't know everything.  I stumped you.

He brought me my tiny A&W mug full of my 107 supplements.  "Do you want water with that or diet Coke?"

"Water."  I'm considering giving up Coke.  I've assembled a bureau for consideration, sent out surveys, and am consulting my astrological reading.

Ten minutes later, finally done with swallowing my 181 supplements and a tall glass of bland water, I reached for my banana. 

"Where's my banana?!  Did you take my banana?"  How did I not notice this?  He is a good servant boy.  Stealthy.

"I thought you were done with it."

"No!  I was saving the last two bites for when I was done my 198 supplements, to help push them down my throat.  You know I need some food after.  I want my banana."

"So this time when you say you want your banana you mean you want it?"

Touché. 

Daily Gratitudes

1. The megadose of snow outside makes the house really bright inside.
2. Jude is shovelling the walk and driveway, with Izzy, though he suspected she'd probably run after the other people who are shovelling their driveways.  He's so faithful and enduring.
3. Sufjan Stevens Christmas music.  Namely, Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing;  Holy, Holy, Holy (even though it talks about the Trinity);  Sister Winter;  Silent Night.
4. Lots of sleep, though interrupted by many bad dreams and the eerie glow of our new alarm clock not turned off.
5. My kids are all playing downstairs happily.  Weird.  Wonder how long that will last.