2010 and a mild panic attack

Wow, writer's block much?

Did you have a nice Christmas?  I did.  A lovely, simple, content, snowy white Christmas.  Nice lead up.  Glad it's over.  I took down our decorations on Boxing Day.

Now I'm supposed to get excited about the turning of a new year.  People typically even get together to party out the last seconds of a year-- never mind a whole decade-- but we have no plans; we never do for New Year's.  If the coming of a new year included a money shower, or an alien visitation, or a flash of neon pink sky, or a freebie pass for boozing and schmoozing, then I would reconsider my outfit and location.  Alas, I can only look forward to flubbing my cheque dates for a few weeks.

One thing I'm happy about is being able to finally apostrophise the year from four digits to two digits.  (Nearly certain I made up that verb.  Good on me.)  Did anyone ever write '00?  It's just too ridiculous.  It's an embarrassment upon... All of Time, or something like that.  Even worse was saying, "the Zeros".  Anyone ever say that?  Of course not.  The '80s, the '90s but not the '00s, nor the Zeros, nor the Oh-Oh's.  Finally!  We're in the '10s!  The Tens!

What an awkward decade that was.

I feel like I should write something about resolutions and new beginnings, something cliché.  But I'm starting to get annoyed with this New Year's resolution thing.  I mean, EVERY YEAR.  Can we get more predictable?  What if I don't want to resolve to anything in January?  What if I want to wait until April when I become a new year? What if I want to wait until July 16th because no one pays it any attention?  

Well, so then don't, you might say. 

Uh huh.  Well, in church on Sunday, the talks given were all about goal setting, as if it's a commandment or something to improve upon ourselves.  Which, okay, it is a commandment but is it a commandment to do it on New Year's?  No.  It was a VERY ANNOYING high-pressure-salesman Sunday.  For me.

And it's not that I have no resolutions.  I totally do.  But I think I've made them less cheerfully this year than I have in years past.  You see, they felt like options in my twenties.  Now that death is looming ever so closer, now that the lines between my eyebrows have become wrinkles that I can see in photographs, I feel forced into becoming something. Do or die kind of thing. 

The truth is that this decade will bring more choices and I'm nervous about that.  In my twenties I was breastfeeding and changing diapers and cleaning messes and I knew I was making the best choices I could with my time because they weren't really fair options.  It was Feed Baby/Let Baby Die.  I'm smart enough to figure that one out. 

Now, my thirties around the corner, my children are self-sufficient enough that I have soooo much time on my hands and I feel paralysed every day by choice.  This year I feel like I'm birthing myself into a new life and I don't entirely know how I want that life to look.  What I birth for myself affects my family, too, so there's that to consider.

There, that's what I'm feeling: fear.  Fear of distraction, fear of frustration, fear of failure, I guess.  Mostly I'm afraid of wasting time.  I'm afraid of starting down the wrong path and figuring it out after the blisters have set in and I'm even more wrinkled and sagging and puckered.  What if, five years from now, I realise that it's my destiny to become a naked weather forecaster on Fox TV? And it will be too late!

I have all these things I want to do and no clear idea on how to do them and no one to turn to for advice and mentoring.  I kind of miss the days when people were paid to care about me.  Where's a high school guidance counselor when you need one?

So, I've been feeling restless and queasy for a while.  That's why I have nothing to write about.  I feel blah.  Blah and restless and nervous and confused.

Happy new year!

Daily Gratitudes

1. I will certainly have lots of time in February and March to figure something out.  A friend from the UK will be coming to nanny.  I don't really need a nanny but she needed the opportunity and I could really make some good use of this time if I want.  So, actually, that scares me too.  I feel a lot of pressure to do something great with all my free time.
2. Jude took extended holidays so it's very relaxed around here with everyone home. 
3. I'm glad to have a well-heated home in winter.
4. I bought myself some fabulous books for Christmas. 
5. I experienced the most stunning winter day two days ago and since I didn't blog then, I am mentioning it now.  Here are some photos I had to share of the amazing frost. My aunt saved the first photo from my Facebook album and put it on her Blackberry and said she thought it was a frosted leaf. No, that IS the frost.  The frost built itself up in layers to make furry crystals, inches thick, hanging off of thin, delicate grasses and twigs.

 
 
 
 
 
 

Comments

[Azucar]

Gah, yes, MUCH.

And I always favored "the aughts" because I am old-timey.

[Katie K]

Oh, yes. Turning 30. It's a big year for you. You have grown SOOOO much in 2009. Maybe you can use New Year's Eve to look back on 2009. Re-read your entire blog. Wouldn't that be fun? ;)

Really, N. I hear you. I have some major fears (probably in similar areas, maybe not) that I will be finally confronting this year. So, you and I can be partners in crime. Defending good hearted women with little direction against the energy zapping monsters, Time and Indecision. I'll be there for you, girl. I heart you.

[Katie K]

P.S. Your pictures are beautiful. Makes me want to cuddle up with a hot chocolate and stare. xo

[Natasha]

Mmmm, great comment, Katie. Have I really grown that much this year? Certainly in the past two years.

No, re-reading my entire blog does not sound fun. Ugh.

Maybe I should make you the boss of my life for a while. Ha. As if I would listen to you. I mean, if I don't even listen to GOD in everything, what would make me think you would have a shot?

[Charlotte]

I prefer to make resolutions when I'm having major schedule changes anyway (it's easier to tweak and add/ take out things from my life then). I find I like to do this at beginning of summer and school year and after Christmas and spring breaks. Hmm- I guess I do it at the beginning of each season. Never noticed that before.

Never been a big fan of New Years. Either I'm already living life to its happiest and finding joy every day or I'm not, special celebration for making it one more year has never been a huge thing for me. Feel the same way about my birthday.

Also, I liked the use of "the aughts", too and clicked over just to find my suggestion already given.

[Gabrielle Valentine]

The photos are beautiful. It's a real winter wonderland! I feel the same way about the resolution thing. To each his own - why new years. And I still think it's funny that Christ's birth was actually in April but our pagan traditions keep us celebrating it in December. And ditto on the do or die thing. I can't figure out what to do/be all while two little ones are glued to my hip. It's quite frustrating. While I wanted motherhood and love it and my children I also long for time and the ability to get out more, do more, really act on things I believe in, etc.

[Kirsty]

Oh, such pretty pictures, thank you! :)So unbelievable when you've rarely experienced frost to see it like that and hear that it isn't leaves making that gorgeous pattern, but the frost itself. Wow.

Down here, the media referred to this past decade as the noughties. Wonder what our predecessors did last century?

[Natasha]

Yes, my UK friend John told me the same thing. I've never heard it referred to as such in Canada or the US. I hope that means that they did not refer to this decade as such and not just that I have been woefully unaware for ten years.

[Tere]

Happy New year! I love the pictures:)and enjoy your free time doing whatever you want...doing nothing sometimes isn´t a waste of time, it´s a need:D

[Preston]

You're so young for having a mid-life crisis. You could be in about September in the first half of your life, so it seems a tad early for resolutions. There are lots of right paths for each person, and it's okay to choose some wrong ones in the midst of them and waste a little time. I think that's the only way to find the right ones anyway. Let the fog settle, and enjoy the autumn of the first half of your life...

[Natasha]

Well, my first mid-life crisis was at 27 so I'm already weathered.

[JQ]

My father-in-law died at age 57 which would have made his mid-life age about 28. So, ya never know...

[Michele]

Oh wow, what a great post. Thanks for sharing. You are so amazing!!

And thanks for sharing that spectacular winters day! Those pics were absolutely gorgeous ~ just beautiful.

[JulesD]

I had a turning point/decision crisis about 3 years ago when my youngest was finished nursing. I felt like I was now free... and what did I want to do with that freedom! It was scary. I waffled between several choices; and I am, for the most part, pleased with my paths. I remain open however to the idea, that at any point, an entirely new direction could find me if I just remain open to it. And it will be good if it does, and good if it doesn't. I understand the fear comment. I felt that too.

And I never make resolutions at New Year's. I make them all year long when a new idea or situation comes about. I think you try to improve yourself every day of the year, which perhaps might be more successful than being forced to be resolute to some contrived idea.

[Natasha]

I do resolve throughout the year, this blog being evidence of that. Typically, I resolve to newness in April and September. September has always marked a new year, even before I had school-aged children.

It's nice to hear other people speak of fear.  I have a lot of fear these days.  I gear myself up to do something difficult and I feel a lump in my throat and I thwart a panicked cry.  Long explanation.

[The Introvert]

Wow. Those pictures are stunning. See that's what we always HOPE for when they tell us there's a chance of snow in Texas. But it ends up just being a wet, icy, slushy wasteland where no one knows how to drive. Whee!