Trauma clean-up in aisle 11

I've finally figured out the cycle of trauma recovery:

1. Life is lovely.  It's annoying and tiresome but still overall delightful.  When the day is done, you laugh about the mishaps and the messes on Facebook, diffuse frustration via wise cracks on Twitter.  You go to sleep with a few longings but no angst.


2. A trigger occurs.  Someone says something, a scene in a movie happens, a song, a smell, a feeling happens.  You're annoyed or critical.  You may not know what you're really upset about.  That's why you need to talk about it with someone.  Or think a lot.  But talking to someone smart who knows you well is preferable.  (I'd lend you Jude but he's a bit exhaustified* by me.)


3. Once you realise what ancient hurt is gnawing at you, you may feel like you've been kicked in the stomach.  You might get angry because you thought that you had sorted all this out.  But here's what you didn't understand:  God doesn't give you everything to chew on at once.  You might know that ya, your daddy abandoned you, or that your brother ran over your pet chimpanzee with his BMX repeatedly while you watched-- whatever.  And you might think those are the only issues you have, but there are usually more.  Or you might think the damage is straightforward but there are usually many deep layers to the damage.


4. You sit with the pain because you don't have any choice.  It comes upon you like labour pains.  You are birthing yourself into a full consciousness of who you are and why you feel and do the things you do.  You're making connections between past trauma and the way you've lived your life to avoid any reminders of that trauma. OR! (and this is more likely) you make the connection between past trauma and the way you've been living your life, seeking out that same trauma so that you can deal with it differently.  It's like having a nightmare and trying to get back into your nightmare before you fully awake so that you can change the outcome.  If you can change the outcome of this new situation that mirrors the trauma of the past, you feel the victor instead of the victim.  Bye bye victim mentality.
   
   You sit with the pain you thought you'd healed and you sit with the embarrassment of your self-delusion and näiveté for thinking you'd healed it.
   
   It's so raw that inside you're screaming, crying out for relief, and this reminds you of childbirth.  You are birthing yourself into what you hope will be a purer, higher version of yourself.
   
   You want an epidural for this birth and you don't care what your birth plan said, how stupid were you to make a birth plan, you had no idea how bad the pain would be, just give you the freaking epidural already.  You're angry that your support people aren't more sympathetic.  They're acting like this is a totally normal process when it can't possibly be normal to be experiencing this much pain!  No one is listening.  "This is not normal!  Put me out!" you scream.  You wish they knew how bad you felt.  You turn to those who have a pretty good idea of how you feel:  your doula, or nurse, or mother.  (You still following the analogy?  You seek out people who can empathise because they've experienced the same thing.) 
   
   How terrible if you get stuck with support staff who tell you to keep the wailing on the down low because you're scaring everyone or stressing them out.  You want to murder whoever minimises your pain and put their skulls on a stick in your front yard.
   
   If you're smart, you do know that all this pain is necessary and comes with the territory.


5. However necessary, you want anything but to feel this.  You don't want to take a hard look at yourself.  You don't want to have to change.  You don't want to follow this intense pain with the work of change.  After pain like this you should be on a beach somewhere being massaged with coconut oil. 
   
   You want to numb this now.  You might consider hard drugs, inappropriate sex, suicide.   You might turn to music.  You might turn to food or shopping, whatever your favourite vice is to distract yourself.  But if the trauma is really bad, you will consider doing things you'd never before considered.  If it's really bad you won't care about the consequences.  You'll gladly trade one problem for this one.  Considering these things is understandable.  Just don't be fooled into thinking they'll help anything.  You won't heal anything and you'll have a new problem on your hands.


6. After crying and mourning, after anger and rage, you reach a point where you can't feel anymore.  You're just tuckered out.  You've made it through the worst of it.  Your crazy coping thoughts are distant, silly memories.  You utter a lot of inward, "Whatever"s and "I guess it doesn't matter"s and "Whew, that was weird"s.  You think that because you've sat with your pain and acknowledged it and figured out what you can change, and accepted what you can't, and forgiven everyone who's hurt you, that you'll never have to go through this again.  At least not for THIS specific trauma. 


7. You put on some music to help drag yourself out of the lingering depression.  You start a conversation or a project.  Anything to distract yourself.  You'd like to move on to Fully Functioning Normalcy, thank you very much.  You say, "Heh heh, sorry about that, heh," to everyone you brought into your trauma breakdown.  You resolve to not let it happen again because you're so tired of feeling dysfunctional and even when you explain yourself, no one REALLY, totally understands.  You'll prove yourself healed and normal.


8. Everyone is comfortable for a while.  Your spouse, your friends, yourself.  You're healthy, happy, and productive.  Life is so great.  Whew!  What a relief that you're no longer that crazy person crying in bed and fantasising about drug addiction, huh?  


9. A new trigger occurs.  See step #2.


10. You realise that there's even MORE to your past trauma that has been hurting you and hindering your personality/development.  Greeeeat.


11. Repeat steps 4-9.

Ahhh.  Life is great, ain't it?

At least I've finally figured out that this is the way it is.  I've finally figured out that I may never escape the triggers.  The scars may remain pinkish purple, never disappearing to white in this life.  But hopefully, I can experience shorter recovery times.  Hopefully, my friends and family will recognise what's happening and be patient with me and help me through it.  

Why do we go through this pain?

Because God is refining us so that we can be stronger, happier.  He's refining us to be of better use to Him by being more useful to people around us.  Precious metals are not mined immediately usable.  The impurities that surround the precious metals must go through a fiery refining process and the refiner must sit with the metals to make sure the timing is just right.  Christ said he would "sit as a refiner and purifier of silver: and He shall purify the sons of Levi, and purge them as gold and silver." (Malachi 3:2)  The language used here is important:  He would sit "as", meaning "like", a refiner.  He will sit and watch carefully to make sure the timing is right and that we're not destroyed by the process.  It feels like we'll be destroyed.  It feels wretched.  But when it's all done, we're stronger and better and we see the wisdom in it.

Too many people resist this process and stall their own progress, stuck in the angry stage, and abandoning all faith in God because if God loved them he'd just take away their pain.

Anger is so easy.  Faith is so hard.

* (I just love it in Little Women when Amy, who's always messing up her words, says, "I'm exhaustified of playing the boy!")

Daily Gratitudes

1. I'm almost done with this bronchitis.
2. Holy carp, do I ever need a weekend!  And voila-- here it is.
3. November 27th, Alberta, Canada, and NO SNOW! (Frost, but it's NOT SNOW!)
4. Jude made a cranberry-pear crisp last night from scratch and it was a nice breakfast change of pace.
5. That True Colours number on Glee last night was SO beautiful!  I can't emphasise that enough.  Was so much better watching it, though, rather than just hearing it.  Wasn't the tv version a capella?  Anyway, here's the available version:

Comments

[KT]

Thanks so much Natasha this is one of my favorite posts you've done. You can describe emotions so well. This past week has been something like this cycle. For me I don't really know what the cause is yet but am working on it! Thanks again!

[Rich]

One other aspect to the refining process, in the case of tool steel -- the guy overseeing the process isn't sitting down. He's standing, muscles flexed and leveraged to work the red-hot iron -- repeatedly pounding it with a big ass hammer to temper and harden it, making it into something useful. Sucks to get beaten, doesn't it? :( So sorry to contemplate your past trauma N... wish there was an "undo" button for life sometimes. But the toolmaker has surely put a sweet, sharp edge to you along the way (forged knife metaphor here), and it's a pleasure to see how you slice and dice the world sometimes :0)

I'm hooked on Glee too.

[Natasha]

Rich, you'll then want to avoid my post with my Glee criticisms. I frequently fast forward to the singing/dancing numbers.

Not sure what it means if I have a sweet, sharp edge that I use to slice and dice the world. Doesn't sound like a good thing but vaguely knowing you via your comments, I'm sure you meant it to be a great thing. ;-)

[Rich]

Hey, a well-made, sharp knife is definitely a thing of beauty. For sure a compliment (even if it's a weird "guy" compliment :)

[Rich]

LOL, I just realized I called you a tool. I honestly meant it in a good way! ;O) Not at all in the modern vernacular sense! (still laughing, hope you are too...)

[Natasha]

Funny.

As long as you save the poetic, non-ambiguous compliments for your wife, it's fine. If you have trouble there, then, dude, you really need to work on that. ;-D

[Rich]

No worries - she gets romantic poems from me on a regular basis, and they are typically sans ambiguity, despite the fact that our native tongues are different (she's Swedish). I just got all caught up in the refiner allegory and was lost in the moment. But it's true, men really do appreciate quality tools (ask your husband, he'll confirm the truth of my words!).

Yeah, Ok, I'll quit now...

[Natasha]

Hmm. I think I'm more the tool person in this house. Having done many home reno projects and a few carpentry projects I can appreciate a quality tool that makes the job easier and better. Had you compared me to a powerful cordless drill, not too heavy (I'm no arm wrestler), with like... magnetic bits or something, I would have been flattered out of my mind. I hate losing bits. I lose them all the time.

Jude can be handy but not because he likes to be. He likes to cook and read and dote upon me. Works out nicely because I like to eat, discuss interesting things, and be doted upon.

(Just enjoying the banter. ;-)

[Shell]

Amen, sister.

(To your original post. Also being doted upon.)

[Rich]

Banter aside (which I also enjoy), this post hits very close to home for me. My ex went through years of expen$ive therapy that (seemingly) failed to help her with past trauma, in part because she has remained stuck in the anger phase. Like Victor Hugo's Javert from Les Mis, unless she's able some day to find forgiveness (and apply the Atonement), the anger will continue to fester in her, and perhaps ultimately destroy her ability to ever find peace and happiness. It definitely played a big part in killing our marriage.

[Natasha]

I'm sorry to hear that. I wish I could help people like that. I have plenty to be angry about but I rarely feel it. It's more when I realise one more way something has screwed me up or I remember one more hurt. And anger is fine and natural, but it needs to be just a phase we move through, not a whole state of being. I tend to think, "If I can do it, anyone can" but that's not really fair. Because we all have different abilities, different gifts and struggles.

That must have been really hard on you, too. It's so torturous when someone you love is going through something really difficult. Jude's been through so much through me. He's so strong and wise now for it, though.

[susan]

I always hesitate to comment on your blog, you seem so much deeper and able to convey emotions and thoughts then I. You are able to get it all out there in a way that teaches and builds.

I really needed this post today. Thanks!

[Natasha]

Ya, because I rank comments, silly. ;-p I feel self-conscious too, thinking, Ah, this doesn't flow. Why can't I find the words?

Thanks for your comment, Susan. It's really nice to feel like your thoughts are appreciated.

[Rich]

Sorry if this is TMI, but the last year we were together was especially difficult, as the anger more often turned on me. I felt really... betrayed, especially when she started making comparisons to the abuser. In the end I was more baffled than anything else, wondering how far I fell in her esteem, even to the point that today she seems to actually hate me. Perhaps becoming the scapegoat was what she needed most of all from me (since her abuser was no longer living)...? The whole thing still haunts my dreams sometimes. I'm just really grateful to have since found a woman who has a gentle heart and a kind soul (not a mean bone in her body), and who seems to love me as much as I do her.

[Cynthia]

This post is awesome! I've been going through stress caused by an old wound too. I think you described the process PERFECTLY.

I feel so stupid for the trial that has consumed me for the last year because it's something I THOUGHT I was over many years ago but, well, insert "New Trigger, Step 2".

My Hubs has an ex-wife similar to Rich in the above comment. Luckily, they have no children together so she's not in our lives AT ALL. The 'trigger' was discovering we have a mutual friend- who of course thinks she's "WONDERFUL". Yeah. Sure. When she has an audience. Sigh.

I've still got a long way to go before I am the person I need to become. Apparently, getting to the point where it's okay with me if she seems 'wonderful' is part of the process. Sigh again.

[Robert]

Glad you haven't given up on Glee. The episode last night was pretty interesting. I often watch them on Hulu the day after to wake up for the morning in my office.