My new marriage contract with Jude

(This post is a continuation of the one before it, titled How to have fidelity in marriage without compulsion, obligation or ownership.)

Jude and I have made a contract.  We didn't need to.  Nothing bad has happened requiring us to do so.  I just have a lot of personal growth things I need to work on and I need to feel completely safe with Jude and have his complete support and acceptance and unconditional love.  I'm sharing our contract with you as it may help you with your marriage:

1. We will not force or try to manipulate each other to do or be anything to make the other happy.  (I had a friend who actually forced her husband to pee sitting down.  It was non-negotiable.  Pretty demeaning, I think.)  If I have a need, I will ask for it. Not silently expect.  Not hint.  I'll come out and ask. And if he feels he can meet that need, he will.  And if he thinks he can't, for whatever reason, I won't take it personally because I know that he loves me enough that he would if he could. 


2. We will not try to control each other's behaviour, no matter how perfect the motive.   I need to know that I am free to make my own choices, good or bad, and that he will respect my free will to do that.  This is my life, my personal growth, my learning process.  He can't learn it for me.  He may be able to foresee problems coming from my behaviour and warn me but he can't make me learn lessons I have not learned myself.  He can't be my daddy.  He needs to be my friend.  He vowed to marry me and stay with me in good times and bad.  Some bad times might come about because I make bad choices.  It might be as simple as me not going to the doctor to get help for something, letting it get REALLY bad, and then realising he was right.  I have the right to that learning experience and he has the choice to stay and love me unconditionally or not. I will not give up my right to learn the hard way out of fear that he will leave me.  I might choose to NOT learn the hard way because I recognise wisdom but that's not the same as choosing out of fear.  When I feel all the fear of his reactions leave me, I know I will be more likely to make right choices because love will have replaced that fear.  When I have love, I have the Holy Ghost and when I have the Holy Ghost I have peace and confidence in myself. 


3. We will not take things personally that are not personal. Example: If Jude cheats on me (which I can't even imagine, it's so unfathomable and if you knew him you'd understand) I will not take it personally. Because while I have lots of flaws I also know that I'm good enough just the way I am. Someone else will always think I'm good enough to be devoted to so it can't be me that's the problem. (Though it can be a combo but ultimately the person who makes the choice to deal with the problem that way is at fault.)


4. We will always forgive each other, if the other person is repentant.  


5. Even if the other is not repentant we will still forgive but we don't need to stick around.  So, if Jude kept cheating on me because he wasn't repentant and had no plans of stopping, I would forgive him because I'd feel sorry for him because something's obviously seriously wrong with him, but I wouldn't be able to stay in the relationship because there wouldn't be any relationship to stay in.  He wouldn't be supporting me or trying to change so I wouldn't have anything in which to support him.  


6. We will always be honest.  We will respect each other enough to be fully honest because it's like saying, "I have confidence that you are mature enough to handle this.  I have confidence that even if you're upset you'll still love me."  When we lie, when we hold back a little of the truth, we are saying that we either don't trust the person to not have an unreasonable reaction OR that their reasonable reaction is too much for us to handle because we feel so badly about ourselves that any more negativity-- even deserved-- will break us.  And when we lie to protect our ego, we don't have to be accountable to our faults and then we never get the opportunity to change them. When we're ashamed of our poor choices, we're motivated to not repeat them because we don't like the shame.  So, being honest holds us accountable which keeps us out of trouble.


7. When one of us says something in the interest of necessary honesty, we will not get angry because it's not personal and we love and respect each other.  I know that Jude is a wonderful person and anything that he does that's supremely stupid or inconsiderate does not mean that HE is that way and he probably has a reason for having done it.  And he feels the same way about me. 


8. We will not be jealous. 


9. We will not own each other.  We are agreeing to spend our lives and eternity together and everyday that we are together it's because we're making that choice because we want to because it's worth making.  We will not stay together out of fear for our salvation.  We will stay together because we don't expect perfection and we like each other and we're choosing to trust each other and share together.  If we didn't have that kind of love, or a desire and commitment to work toward it,  I have no reason to believe that we'll want to be together in the celestial kingdom either.  (It maybe best to stick together out of fear for our salvation than not stick together at all but it completely depends, I think, upon the individual situation.  This is a whole post in itself.)


10. When one of us forgets something from this contract, *which is inevitable*, the other is safe to give a reminder without the forgetter lashing out in resentment.  That is something we've promised each other. Because we are human and we're going to have initial reactions that we wish we weren't so weak to have. So, if Jude gets jealous sometime and I nicely remind him that he said he wouldn't act jealously and he then gets angry at me for saying that, I'm going to say, "Dude, whatever.  This is your problem," walk away, and wait for him to get over it or talk with me calmly about it. 


11. BONUS ONE I FORGOT:  We are each entitled to our privacy.  We are entitled to not share every thought, every confession, until we know what it is we're feeling.  I am going to stop demanding that Jude tell me what he's upset about with me and he's going to stop demanding to hear all my Jude Law fantasies.  (That's a joke. I don't actually have any.  I swear.)  We have agreed that we respect each other enough to give each other our space to sort out our own feelings that might be upsetting to the other.  Sometimes we feel things because it's a bad day.  Sometimes we feel things because we're confused.  Until we come to any conclusions, there's no point in talking about it with each other if it's only going to add drama and hurt. In a week, it might be nothing and we'll be glad to have avoided unnecessary pain.  This is an especially good rule to have when one of you has a mental illness.  That sounds funny but it's also true.

It's not going to work perfectly but it's a foundation for a beautiful relationship where we are both freely here, inspired by love and not compelled by fear.  We have worked really hard to build a relationship of acceptance. Because he's not everything I've ever dreamed of and I'm not everything he's ever dreamed of, but we're both good enough.  We have enough to work with to be happy.  In fact, I have a little glimpse of the heaven we can have by being completely open and accepting, by being honest and giving each other our space, respecting the distance between us and not holding on to each other's presence or role with a clutched hand. 

Once we start criticising and expecting, we are going to be miserable.  So, Acceptance is my mantra right now-- not even so much in my marriage, more with myself.  Maybe I need to have a new Earnest t-shirt made.

The bottom line is that any time we start feeling obligated, expectant, jealous, or embarrassed, we are living in fear and we need to make a conscious effort to stop and choose otherwise by changing our thoughts.  We have agreed to be partners in this love project, reminding each other of our commitment to loving each other and living together without fear.  We have agreed to be responsible only for ourselves and our halves of the relationship. 

Basically, we're agreeing to love and respect and trust each other unconditionally FOR REAL. Like, in practise, not just in some romantic lip service way. 

I believe that the only reason a marriage fails is because at least one person no longer wants to work on it.  And to work on it should hurt.  It should be consistent.  If someone's not working on it for a large chunk of time, you have no reason to believe they're ever going to (unless God gives you some kind of hint and prompts you to stay in which case listen to God). 

(And there are some things I wouldn't stay to work on.  If my husband was a murderer, a rapist, or a pedophile, I wouldn't stay.  I may or may not stay if he was gay-- would totally depend on a bunch of things. Basically, if he was a danger to me or my kids or if he was miserable and completely unrepentant after a long period of time. Also, if he wanted to open a casserole catering business.  My stomach would not be able to take it.)

Daily Gratitudes

1. JEFFREY R. HOLLAND.
2. General Conference.
3. A living prophet.
4. My husband.
5. Katie, for mailing me The Mastery of Love.