Monopoly hell and swine flu

Our family is playing Monopoly.   Yes, right now.  Why am I blogging, then?  So I don't kill myself.  The only thing worse than playing Monopoly is playing Monopoly with five people. And some of them are frequently loud for no reason *cough* Josie *cough*.  In fact we've instituted a $10 fine for shrieking for no reason.

We've been playing for 45 minutes and I only just made it past Go.  If my strategy was to creep along the ghetto, buying Baltic and St. Charles Place because I may never even see Boardwalk from a distance never mind visit it or buy it, then you could say I'm the savviest player ever.  While everyone else was whipping around the board, buying up all the sexy real estate, I was starting to think the best I could hope for was owning all of the fuchsia property because I'd roll a two and then a one.  I seem incapable of rolling anything past a three, so it seemed logical despite the fact that we're playing with two dice.

Alas, no such luck.

Hey, I did manage to snag New York Avenue and I've yet to lash out in any way that might land me in jail-- no theft of Park Place, no indecent exposure.  So, I may not be a tycoon but I am really holding it together.

. . .

Just when the injustice was so palpable that I was going to be scraping it from my tongue before bed, I landed on Boardwalk.  And OH did I buy it.  I bought it with pomp and circumstance.  I bought it all over the place.  Then, just as I was about to explain The Law of Mom Karma-- the woman who made the playing of Monopoly possible by spitting the swine flu-coughing players forth from her womb garden gets her cosmic just desserts-- I realised I had moved the wrong piece.

No Boardwalk for me.  But, I did manage to make it past Go!

I had the opportunity to buy Oriental Avenue but by that point I was too comfy in my crack house ghetto.  I didn't need no rich ghetto.  We are who we are.  We can hope for Boardwalk but when you're getting by in life, four Baltic rent fee dollars at a time, stuffed in your bra, let's be real:  you're never gonna be more than Baltic.  If you're really, really lucky, you'll stop narrowly missing Boardwalk and landing on Go three times in a row and you'll take just one more step over to Mediterranean and then maybe you can build houses and when people trespass on your property they'll have to pay you TWENTY DOLLARS.  Then maybe you can buy some milk for your 67 cats.

. . .

On the plus side, Montana, who was near broke just landed on Free Parking and scooped the pot, making Daisy, who practically IS the bank over there on the other side of the table, cry, "Games are not fair!"

Tell me about it.  I just passed Go only to have to give my $200 to Income Tax.

And Jude, the man I let sleep in my bed, just offered me Mediterranean for my Reading Railroad.  Reading Railroad that cost me $200 to buy, my only good fortune in this game, for a $60 Mediterranean. AND HE SAID IT WITH A STRAIGHT FACE.  "I'm just trying to help you out," he said. "So, you can upgrade from welfare to maybe a nice job at McDonald's."  Not that we'd make fun of people on welfare or working at McDonald's.  Ahem.

But nevermind.  I just landed in jail.  I think I'll just chill here for a bit.  There's a guy here in leopard print with a really nice cane and he winked at me.  I think my luck might be turning.

Daily Gratitudes

1. Daisy, the Girl of A Hundred Expressions, is really cute tonight, especially with all her pathetic swine flu coughing.
2. It's almost bedtime.
3. I have a brand new Dove cucumber antiperspirant to break in.  Always nice to have something to look forward to.
4. Jude and I are going to watch Shaun of the Dead tonight.  A British spoof on Dawn of the Dead.
5. I actually just lost the Monopoly game by $15.  To Daisy.  Which makes me happy because then life can be more fair for her.  I already had low expectations.

Comments

[Susan]

Oh, Natasha, I really needed a laugh, what with last minute really good costume ideas that must be sewn and then turn out to be not so good after all, and trying to decide which is worse, the possiblity that my kids will die of H1N1 flu, or we will all be poisoned by the evil government vaccinate everybody conspiracy.
Thanks!

[Natasha]

Ah, they probably won't die. Take a chance, I say!

;-) Thanks.

[JulesD]

This was so amusing I read most of it out loud to my DH. Sounds like you're loving the home confinement... :-)

[heather]

Ba hahaha! You totally supped up Exactly how I feel every time I have to play that game. Next time someone asks me if I want to play I'll just refer them here. Do you mind if I link to this post on my FB?

Also what are your conclusions about this vaccine? I need some more thaughts from intelligent people on it.

[Yvonne]

I love it!

[Katie K]

You're take on this game is hilarious. But even so, I despise Monopoly and won't even play it as a family event with my husband-who-almost-died and our adorable kids. I despise it that much. But I love my husband a lot - I'll do other things with him even if I'm not in the mood. ;)

[gabriellevalentine]

First - hoping you all feel better soon.
Next - can't wait to be able to play games with our kids. Seems like it'd be a fun time (if we all get along, that is!) =)
Haven't played monopoly in years. Was always such a long game, like risk. But fun.

[Preston]

Those are the types of laughs that keep on giving, hours later. I guffawed and hacked so much that I'll surely be doing so into the night — unless I hyperventilate first. And thank you so much for infecting me with Mono now... Almost nobody could have described it like that, because they don't think that way. I hope you got to be the thimble, and that your neighborhood got the public assistance it needed. Can you put hotels on jail?

[Natasha]

Ooh, I really debated over the thimble and the iron. I went with the iron. You know, for the irony. (Oh wow, that was so awesome. I actually did choose it for the irony because I rarely iron and haven't even been doing laundry for a while. But "iron" and "irony"? That's awesome.)