There are no naked breasts in the True Church of God.

I'm not usually so presumptuous as to think people want to hear the dreams I dream. But since when do I care what other people want?

Last night I dreamed that my left index finger was a bit sore. It wasn't swollen at all, just had a tiny water blister.  I squeezed the water blister open with my thumb and index finger of my right hand and to my astonishment, a second later, a little khaki green caterpiller-type worm came out.  I was too surprised to be overly horrified, until another one came out and then another.  They weren't spiders or maggots or anything too disgusting, though.  If I had seen them on a leaf of garden lettuce, I'd have been nonplussed.  So, I made a conscious decision to not react as if I was on a drug trip.  My finger was just a finger, not ME.  I could separate myself from my finger, psychologically speaking.  Then a fourth and a fifth came out and I said to Jude, "Okay, my finger wasn't even swollen so this can't go on forever. I'll just let them come out, then chop my finger off and we'll be fine.  Kidding. No, I'll just stick it in vinegar or hydrogen peroxide or Diet Coke or something."  Then water started shooting out of my finger and then bubbly pus.  A huge puddle was made on the floor-- huge considering the size of my finger-- and when all was done I had three holes in my finger and I had remained calm enough to be awarded an award for calmness, if such a thing existed.

Then I woke up and my finger hurt.  Except that it didn't really hurt.  There's nothing wrong with my finger.  This wasn't a case of dreaming that I had to pee and then waking up because I really had to pee.  Or dreaming that Jude Law is stalking me and then waking up to find out that I'm super awesome and totally stalk-worthy.  My finger is fine.  It doesn't hurt, there's no mark on it on the spot where the baby caterpillars were exiting.  But when I woke up, I could still feel the physical pain.

I take my dreaming seriously.

And I woke up on my back which always freaks me out because if you sleep-deprived me for four days I still would not be able to fall asleep on my back.  Maybe I always wake up when I'm on my back because subconsciously I think someone's going to stab me, as if I'd be totally protected on my stomach.  It's such a prone position.  I guess if you're going to stab me to death, I'd rather not know about it in advance.  I typically sleep half on my stomach with one leg straight and the other jutted out.  Like you needed to know that.

Oh! That reminds me.  I wanted to ask you guys about this, see if anyone else experiences this quirk.  Okay, so when I go to bed, I HAVE to lay on my right side, facing away from Jude.  (I sleep on the left side of the bed, unless it's hot and then I sleep nearest the window because I'm selfish.)  And I have to lay in a fetal position.  But I usually don't fall asleep until I turn to lay on my left side, and then I sleep as I mentioned earlier.  But I can't start out on my left side or I won't fall asleep.   And if, in the night, I flip over to one side but then say, Lulu wakes me up and I have to go to her, when I come back to bed, I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT retire to the same position I was in before Lulu woke me up.  I HAVE to flip on to the other side of my body.  No matter how brief I was on one side, I can't lay on the same side again.  Then, if Lulu cries again and I've only been in bed for 30 seconds and I have to get up again, when I come back to bed the second time, I can't lay on the same side I was on before I got up.  Are you following this?  So, every single time I get out of bed, no matter how briefly I was IN bed, I have to alternate from the side I was on before I got up.  It's not some OCD thing.  It's just how my BODY wants to go.  I can't control it.  If I try to lay on the same side I was on before I got up, it's like an itch, this wanting to roll over. 

Is there any human out there who relates to this or am I just a freak?  I mean, IN THIS REGARD.  I already know I'm a freak.

Okay, so anyway, I went back to sleep and had a dream that I was visiting my friend Katie in Kalamazoo, Michigan and she was giving some sermon to her congregation-- which was weird-- and then she took her shirt off!  And this was normal.  I was looking around and all these people were acting like she was totally normal.  Then she morphed into my friend Sara except her breasts were all small and droopy and um, well, Sara and Katie both have racks, let me tell you. 

I think this dream was an expression of how envious I am of Katie's rack.  She has the kind of breasts that you'd glance at and then just roll your eyes at the injustice of the world.

Then! Katie didn't want to get together with me before I had to go back home.  She said she was BUSY.  I flew all that way just to see her give some weird new-agey sermon with naked boobs?  And my daughters had to use the bathroom and the stall just had some sink-like hole in the floor and I had to hold them as if they were just peeing on the side of the highway and I realised that Katie probably gave her sermon topless so they could attract more people so they could get more money so they could get some decent bathrooms not reminiscent of China.

And that's what happens when your church is not the True Church of God, people.  Pay your tithing.

Daily Gratitudes

1. It's a stunningly beautiful day today. Not a cloud. Perfect temperature. Nice breeze. I'm in a fantastic mood.
2. I may have dog hair everywhere, there may be clutter about, my bathroom sink may need cleaning but dammit, my spice rack is REALLY, REALLY clean.
3. Good music.
4. Jude made lunch. But that's typical for the weekend.
5. Jude and I are going to see (500) Days of Summer tonight. Yay!