So, I kind of want to be in a coma... forever. Thoughts?

A week or whatever ago I started to write a blog post about how I'm starting to make peace with myself such that I'm not so badly plagued by perfectionism.  I started to write about how I've been working on Acceptance and Lower Expectations and finding so much inner peace from this and I was going to tie it in to The Four Agreements.

And I was happy.  Or so I thought.  When Depression comes it ALWAYS sneaks up on me.  ALWAYS.  ALWAYS.

Suddenly, on this day I was happy, on this day when I was dwelling upon positive things, peaceful things, I was hit with a panic attack.  I don't get panic attacks.  That I know of.  Suddenly, I felt like I would die if I had to live my life five more minutes. (WTF, right?)  That's the best way I can describe it.  And it makes me cry right now remembering.  I tried my best all day to shape up.  I look for any distraction I can find when I'm depressed, so I turned on the tv.  It was the first time I had watched tv in months.  I think the only thing I've watched since May was So You Think You Can Dance.  Anyway.  Oprah.  Oprah was talking about Michael Jackson, reminiscing about the interview she did with him eons ago.  I still remember watching that interview live and feeling badly for Michael Jackson.  But now?  I'm not really interested in Michael Jackson.  I didn't watch or read a thing about his funeral.  But here I was, hanging for dear life onto this stupid Oprah episode.  Then, The New Adventures of Old Christine came on and I watched that and laughed a couple of times.  "It's good to hear you laugh," said Jude.  The episode finished.  I went into the bathroom and cried.  And screamed silently.  I couldn't stop.  I COULD NOT STOP. 

I felt as though, if I have to live in this place-- this place that *I* chose, that *I* love-- for the rest of my life, that... well, I don't know.  The thought terrified me.  Still kind of does.  Not even of just living here but of living in one place forever.  The thought of being in these four walls everyday for one more week made me want to run away.  I felt as though I just can't do this stay-at-home mom thing any longer.  Nearly 10 years I've been at this and I'm ready for a change.

And the crazy thing is that this all just hit me like a car accident-- this panic thing.  I felt like Elizabeth Gilbert in Eat, Pray, Love.  Except actually leaving my family and living the life of a nomad is not a viable option for me, unlike with Gilbert.  AS IF I would leave four kids and screw them up for life.

The next day I woke up and felt better.  For a few days I felt mildly blah.  Then two days ago something happened to make me realise my health is NOT getting much better.  And I've been dealing with it quite well for two years but this was just devastating.  I'm not a crier.  Usually I can cry for ten minutes at the most even when I WANT to cry.  But that day and night I sobbed for hours.  Jude and I laid in bed in the dark while I cried and cried. And I've been crying off and on since.  I went to preschool and cried in the arms of the teacher for goodness sake.  (I had to volunteer.  If I was only dropping Lulu off, I would have been able to hold it together.)

On top of that, there's this huge struggle I'm having which I only talk about with a few people.

So.  I'm out of my mind depressed.  And you'd think that I'd be used to this or something.  That after being this dark and miserable at least 60 other times in my life, since childhood, that I'd not be panicking.  That I'd be telling myself that it will get better.  Instead, I'm blown away by how horrible I feel.  Instead I'm thinking, "This is AWFUL!  This is the worst feeling ever.  How can I ever be happy again?  I don't remember what it feels like to be happy."  And I just want to die.  I'm completely beside myself.  I can't focus long enough to DO anything.  I can't think straight.  So I try to cheer myself with music and comedy.  They usually work pretty well when I'm feeling a low-grade blahness.  Instead I laugh til I cry and I listen to music until a high-pitched scream starts to escape my throat.

Sexy, huh?

I wonder if Jude would have married me if he would have had a clear idea of what I would be like.  Who would want to put up with this?  But then again, he can see very little.  From the outside I look like I'm coping relatively well (except for the rare crying lags).  Sure, I'm snappy, sure I'm negative, but lots of women get that way.  What he doesn't know is that I am resisting tearing at my face.  You think I'm exaggerating.

What do I do?  Seriously, I'm asking.  If I'm asking for advice, I'm pretty desperate because really I logically know that if WE don't know what I should do, WE who KNOW me, we who actually know all the things that are hurting me right now (and you don't) what shot do you have at being helpful?  I don't care.  I'm desperate.

I actually came on here just to write some positive mantra-type things to repeat to myself.  I wasn't even going to write a blog post.  I was just going to write to me.  All those things I was telling myself weeks ago, after coming back from the UK, things that worked so well.  But I can't remember them because my brain is clouded with panic and pain and horror and now I feel like that lovely mindset I had, that lovely peace and aura is forever lost.  I don't think it will ever come back again without some drastic shake-up.

For the life of me I cannot imagine a life without Depression.  These people who are supposedly happy, or at least not crazy, all the time-- I look at these people like they're polar bears.  Interesting.  Beautiful.  But for the life of me I just can't relate and occasionally I confess to rolling my eyes at them the way the women on The View roll their eyes at "skinny b**ches".  (Although, I don't know why I'd roll my eyes at polar bears so maybe my analogy died there.)

I have one friend, one really spiritual and religious friend, who told me years ago that she never knew what Depression was like and she thought it was a personality flaw or a symptom of someone not cleaving to God enough.  Then she miscarried a baby at 20 weeks and was fine until she wasn't.  She said it was only a day or two but she felt such an oppressive hopelessness, such a darkness, that she'd never before experienced.  She thought she'd be in that place forever because she literally had no hope and it was the most awful feeling ever.  She came away with a new compassion for people with Depression.  And I think she realised that traumatic events could cause even the most spiritual to feel hopeless.  Traumatic events, you say?  I've got pockets full of them and lots of triggers.

HOWEVER someone falls into that deep hole-- whether by negative thinking, by hormonal imbalances, by catastrophic events-- the fact that anyone comes out of it alive and hopeful is practically a miracle.  And I didn't even bother to try to impress upon this friend that I've spent probably a third of my life in that hole.  Maybe more.  AND I'M STILL ALIVE.  And I still hope and plan.  YAY ME.  YAY GOD. 

I'm still surprised every time I find myself in this hole. 

So, to my friends and acquaintances, I want to say sorry and ask you to excuse me.  Every time I have to do this I'm just so angry with myself because it surprises me.  Because I never thought I'd have to say again that I'm super-de-duper depressed.  You know that I can be really gushy with love and really earnest and really happy and (I hope) occasionally delightful.  My friend John even called me a joy machine and I made a shirt in honour of the best compliment I've ever received.  But *I* know I have a split personality where I can be really negative and critical.  They are two real parts of me, neither are feigned, and while the Hyde might be obnoxious to you, she's excruciating to me.  I should keep to myself when I'm like this but I fear that I'll go more crazy all alone.

And in case you're wondering, "Geez, why does she talk about this stuff openly?  Isn't it humiliating?"  Pretty much, yes.  Depression can be humiliating.  Being an asshat is humiliating.

Again-- any comforting words?? 

Daily Gratitudes

1. I had enough yellow tomatoes from my garden to make this soup tonight.  It's tradition for Grey's Anatomy premiere.
2. I can lose myself in Grey's Anatomy, hopefully for two hours.
3. Katie is so, so forgiving.  It's her birthday today and I suck.
4. Jude was able to come home way early today.
5. I have an appointment tomorrow with a voodoo doctor who's done amazing diagnoses on people I know.  Like my one friend who's a nurse. She went to him and he told her she had cancer before the doctors could detect it.  He was right.  After two years, I've relented and I'm hopeful he can say something interesting.  Not like I have much else to go on.

Comments

[Jane]

Praying for you. Also -- can you get in to see your doctor/therapist asap?

[Anita Tedaldi]

I wish I had comforting words for you. I'll start by saying that your post was beautiful and real. I often have anxiety and panic and while it's different than depression I feel your pain and I too seem to be functional but inside is a volcano of thoughts and emotions (I should be lava mom :))

My mom (psychologist) always tells me that this too shall pass and while I'm in it though it doesn't help it gives me a glimpse of better times.

Practically doing things that are outdoors or keep me busy (and not so much on the computer) help. I also find Yoga helpful (if you can make it to the class).

Last thing - I have a book called feel the fear and do it anyway by Susan Jeffers. It's about doing things despite or with all of these emotions.

I don;t know you in person but I'm sending you a hug and an internet shoulder to lean on if you ever need...

Sincerely,
Anita (aka Lava mom)

[Natasha]

Doctor? Yes. Will consider new meds, though the thought scares me. This one has never had side effects other than headaches for three weeks. Who knows with a new prescription?

Therapist? Ehn. Katie is probably my best therapist and she's great but there's only so much she can fix. Some things are just next to impossible to feel happy about.

[Natasha]

I've heard of that book and funny thing-- that's a part of my new life philosophy! And I was doing things I didn't really want to do because I wanted to be more spontaneous and lively and joyful instead of worrying about silly things or instead of caring about the to-do lists.

Sigh.

Thanks Anita (And Jane-- forgot to say thanks).

[Jude]

Yes I so would still have married you had I known,would have made myself better informed though.It would have been better for both of us if I had a better understanding of the disorder years ago. No one is more delightful than you on your good days.It is almost impossible to believe on those days you have an issue.Those days it is the thought of you that allows my life to transcend my own limiting experiences and grasp a joy that originates in you. On your bad days I just miss you.On those days I repeat my favorite poem to myself and think of all that you mean to so many people,love Jude.

[mylittlesoapbox]

Last fall I was blue. Not Depressed just depressed. A friend suggested adding some spices to my life. They won't fix everything but maybe they'll help just a little bit. And all those little bits that you try will add up right? Anyway I baked cinnamon rolls, found a clove smelly diffuser, made mulled cider. Think of all those holidays spices that are warm and comforting supposedly they also can help lighten a souls load.

[Sara]

I have no idea what to do or say. So instead I will tell you what I won't do:

1)I won't pretend to fathom the depths of depression. I am your polar bear.

2)I won't send you a casserole. (but I will roll my eyes at your lack of enjoying them)

3)I won't sugar coat it and tell you 'it will all be okay' because that's not what you need to hear.

Though I can't say I understand, in this post and previous ones, you've done an excellent job of letting me glimpse into that dark world and my heart aches for you and everyone else that is there.

People love and care for you (me, being one of many) and will be patient while you work through this.

I'm off tomorrow if you want to talk. xoxx Sar

P.S. If my bed head might cheer you up, let me know. I"ll Photobooth it before I even pee :)

[Gabby Valentine]

It's so difficult to deal with depression. You know my thoughts a.k.a "novels". If you need to vent let me know. I'm here! I'm no therapist (obviously) but you might get a laugh at least.
Singing helps me. That's why I sing so much. Hearing a fun song can pick me up. I had an old TuPac CD and blasted it in the minivan on the way to/from Walmart (need to be in that peopleofwalmart site!) Me & the kids were bustin a move in our seats. It was fun. We got weird looks though. Eating works for me as well, but it's not healthy to do that.

[zenamamma]

hey,I love you; depression it is a deep dark hole which I have lived in for many years....I feel so sad knowing you are in there, wish I could pull you out....praying for you....
wanna try some EMPower?!

[Natasha]

Thanks, sweetie.

No one is more delightful? Not even Daisy?

This just made me cry because that's why I'm always so surprised and angry
when I get like this. It feels like a whole other world. I become a
prisoner to myself. And where's the Happy Tash warden? She abandoned me.

I keep looking for the key to get out. If I could just snap out of it long
enough, maybe I could coast the wave to shore. Or something that makes more
sense. So, if I can laugh long enough or if I can be distracted long
enough. But 1. I find something within my distraction to be
sad/angry/grumpy about and then I have to start all over, or 2. It just
doesn't last long enough.

Is your favourite poem: There was a little girl who had a little curl right
in the middle of her forehead. When she was good she was very, very good
but when she was bad she was horrid. ?? TELL ME THAT'S NOT YOUR FAVOURITE
POEM. Because we would have to have a poetry day.

[Natasha]

Maybe lots of little things could add up. That's certainly not stupid
thinking. Maybe that's why I've been wearing my new perfume so much. It
smells natural and musty like Wales. I was really happy there. And gosh, I
miss the rain. It's been really hot here. I absolutely loathe being hot.

[Natasha]

I will call tomorrow, Sare. Thanks.

[Natasha]

Ya, I did go to McDonald's today. Mostly because I just didn't want to make
anything. Then later I did anyway. But right now, sticking to my healthy
eating plan means a lot to me. My health depends upon it, my weight depends
upon it (not that I'm losing ANYTHING) and my pact with Louise matters to
me.

I have tried blasting the feel good tunes and... Nothing. I'm too far gone.

[Natasha]

I was taking my EMPower today and had a little conversation with you about
it where you said just that and then I thought, Nah, Pam wouldn't say that
because she knows that some things are just hard for people. It just not
easy for me to stick to taking minimum 8 pills everyday-- and that's just
the EMPower! It would be like if I said to someone with a weight issue,
"Just start lifting weights, running, and eating lots of tabouli and nuts!
Or stop complaining!" It's not that easy, right? Remembering AND taking
that many pills everyday is really, really hard for me.

But I also know that you were half teasing. :-)

Thanks.

[Marilyn (ALotofLoves)]

I've tried to write something at least five times and deleted everything I wrote. Basically I don't know what to say. Cause I know there's nothing that really helps. What you describe sounds horrible and rough. Bleak and sad. I hope it doesn't last too long. I hope you'll be out on the other side soon. I hope your voodoo doctor will help. It sounds like you have a good support system with great friends and what your husband wrote was lovely.

[Steph]

Well since I had 3 anxiety attacks today... I may not be the person to talk to. But it does sneak up on you. Just yesterday I was having the best day celebrating my hubby's birthday. Today... blah.

Per my fabulous therapist. I always try to do things that I love. Get out of the house. Spend time with my family. It seems to help me. Granted it takes time. But it does get better. I wish there was a magic pill.

I hope you feel better. Call me if you need to talk... granted you probably want someone that is a little less crazy to talk to.

[Steph]

I like to say granted I guess.

[Natasha]

That's really sweet that you tried five times to write something. The
internet is amazing. You are lovely. Thank you.

[Natasha]

LOL. I didn't even notice you said it twice til you pointed it out.

If I need someone crazy to talk to, I'll totally call.

Do your panic attacks really sneak up out of no where or are you thinking
things to cause them to come? I was not thinking anything to cause myself
to flip out. But I had been ignoring, deflecting, and talking myself
through thoughts in previous weeks. But nothing that day.

[Steph]

They do just kind of hit me. But I know the triggers. I just take on too much. And I don't know when to stop until it is too late. So now I will begin the cycle of saying no... Scaling back... And getting right with the world. Then feel excellent... Take on the world... And go crazy. Even after 4 years of this I still haven't quite figured out my tipping point.

It sounds like your anxiety is triggered by depression whereas I start with anxiety which eventually makes me feel worthless and depressed. We are opposite twinners.

I have tons of breathing excersises to work through panic attacks. Almost just like Lamaze.

[Lesa]

I've been trapped in the pits of depression many times and have almost wished for death as an escape. Almost...but then I'm shamed for thinking of such a selfish release to my petty problems...and then I'm terrified that the idea even came into my head. Depression is a very sneaky disease and the triggers seem to change on a whim like the direction of the winds. Happy happy crying sad... Living with the fear of another bout is horrible. As much as I hate having to take EffexorXR and hate all of the side effects, I think I hated my life and myself more before I started taking it. I've tried to go off it because well meaning loved ones don't think I should have anything to be depressed about. The outcome of these attempts has never been positive. It's crappy having a disease that doesn't manifest physical symptoms. If depression caused huge tumors or a raging fever, maybe people would try to open their minds and understand it a little better. No, I'm not a drama queen. No, I'm not "milking it". I.just.can't.stop.crying.right.now. If people only understood how terrifying it is to feel like you've completely lost control of yourself... I have no suggestions for you other than to cross your fingers and risk the side effects of a new drug in the hopes that it will be "the" drug. I don't pretend to walk in your shoes, but I sure sympathize...and empathize... My heart hurts for you.
Much love,
Lesa

[Sue]

I don't have any advice and therefore probably should just slink away quietly. I'm not a quiet slinker so I'll just try to be brief.

You could be writing about me. Exactly. The sneaking up, the panic that seems to come from nothing, the embarrassment. It's comforting yet not, knowing that someone else knows what I go through. I'm so sorry for you. And me. And anyone else who feels like this or has to live and deal with those of us who do.

[Susan Horner]

Oh, Natasha, I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say, just sending you love.

[tere]

Have you seen this video called "Invisible Woman" on youtube? I think it would help you to feel much better, it worked to me:)
love,

[J]

Hi there,

I've never commented on your blog before, but I read it from time to time because although we are at very different places in life, faith and pretty much every possible other thing (except for geographic location)... I come back for posts like this. Your title drew me first, because it's something I've also felt.

Thank you so much for writing this. I have always felt strange explaining how my bipolar/undiagnosed random crazy affects me, but this post really summed the depression up perfectly. It made me feel less crazy and more crazy at the same time. Less crazy because there's someone out there who not only feels like me, but exactly as I do. More crazy because it's always difficult to read something that highlights everything you hate about yourself but never verbalized.

Everything, everything, from wanting to tear your own face off, to your desperate distraction techniques, silent screaming and the horrible, clawing feeling like if you live five minutes longer you will just DIE. The panic of it, the trapped feeling of being in your own skin...in a life you chose... This is the perfect portrait of me in my darkest and most terrible days.

I can't say, like you, that I am doing anything about it. I wish I were, but one suicide risk ER visit later I'm just as messed up as ever. I'm so jealous of people who feel normal. I want to walk up to them and say "What's that like?" but of course they don't know what it's like any more than a blind person knows what it's "like" being blind. It just is.

I won't bore you anymore with my life story, but thank you, thank you. I cried reading this post. <3

[Rebecca]

Hey..I just came across your blog via...via..some other blog. I don't even peruse blogs..it makes my brain crazy. But I looked at yours because 3 years ago I started writing a book entitled "Becoming Something"..so I had to check you out.

I only read all the things you'd like to do before you are cold and dead in the ground (I may have taken a little liberty with that, but isn't it the truth?!) and this post. I have to say I wish I lived next door (I did used to live in Calgary with my college roommate's family. I worked in their flower shop next to their morgue! Yikes!)

Anyway..I digress. So I just appreciate your honesty and complete humor despite depression. Would you consider writing a chapter or two in my book (it has a new title now)? Who knows if it will be published. I know people who know people who know people...so it could work out without a hitch. :)

How's the EMpower working? I have two bottles of it in my stash, but I couldn't get passed the gritty taste. It made me gag. But I have heard lots of great things about it, which is of course why I bought it!

Anyway..thanks for your great posts. I'll read more later. Let me know about the book thing, it could be a bestseller and we could be on Oprah (if we hurry..we only have like, 3 months!)

[Natasha]

Sounds intriguing, Rebecca! More info, please. :-)

I know, we're really running out of time to be on Oprah, aren't we?

The EMPower pills (not powder--which is heinous)-- I stopped taking them after I ran out and I've been fine ever since. I think my Zoloft was making me depressed. I've since read (and been told by my doctor) that if you're prone to bipolarism, either from family history or personal experience, that it can really turn your crank.  I've dropped Zoloft and I've been pretty fine. I still have low-grade depression sometimes because I'm tired a lot and tired of working so hard to be healthy, but otherwise I'm fine.

Nice to "meet" you!