Years ago I read The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz and it changed my life. After I skipped through all the weird Toltec stuff, I found this:
1. Be Impeccable With Your Word - Speak
with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak
against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word
in the direction of truth and love.
2. Don't Take Anything Personally - Nothing
others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of
their own reality. When you are immune to the opinions
and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.
4. Always Do Your Best - Your
best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different
when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply
do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.
(Copied from Gina's blog, Me & Mine)
1. The word thing.
I'm not super great at this. I speak against myself all the time BUT... I guess I do it with an understanding that I'm good enough despite the faults I harp on. I don't gossip a lot.
One thing I committed myself to and have done well by is saying what I mean. I don't tell people just what they want to hear when they ask for my opinion but I do try to be gentle. I don't flatter people and I try not to be ambiguous. I ALWAYS MEAN MY COMPLIMENTS, am generous with them, and I think people who know me believe me when I say something nice because they know I'm honest. If I love you, I make it really clear. If there's something I'd like from you, if there's a need I have, I come right out and ask for it directly. If I'm upset with someone, I tell them. I like straightforwardness, honesty, integrity of word. Always room for improvement but I've definitely made huge strides here.
2. Don't take anything personally.
While I don't agree that NOTHING anyone does is because of me, I believe this to be largely the case. So much of what people say to me is opinion and perception and whether I think they're right or wrong depends upon my own opinion and perception. I get to choose what I believe.
People who get offended all the time by someone's sentiments are offended because they are insecure about that sentiment and believe it harbours some truth.
It's funny how some people would be extremely hurt if someone said they were ugly and extremely pleased if another person said they were beautiful. Two opinions on the opposite spectrum: Who is right? Neither. They're only opinions.
I'm rarely offended by the opinions of others. I am sometimes offended by the motivation behind the opinion. For example, if a close friend, or Jude, told me I was ugly, I would not be bothered by the opinion (because I don't agree with it, so I'd slough it off) but I would be offended that they clearly wanted to hurt me. (More likely, I'd think they were having a really bad day because my friends and Jude aren't the type of people to do that, but you get my drift.)
If a stranger had the same motivation, I wouldn't care much if at all because my happiness is in no way dependent upon a healthy relationship with a stranger.
3. Assumptions!
You know those people who interpret everything that's said in the worst possible way? I HATE THAT SO MUCH.
I used to have this friend who was super passive-aggressive. Though she was my best friend, she struggled to compliment me or be happy for my successes/blessings. When she did muster up the strength, it came off disingenuous. Particularly because I knew her philosophy was that telling little white lies to people to make them happy was a good thing. She didn't have enough confidence in herself that she could be honest with people and still keep their friendship. She needed many friendships and to be the favourite of the local missionaries to our church, in order to feel good about herself.
(She even set up this thing in her church ward where men would come to her and ask for her help in planning a romantic day/gesture for their wives. She would decide and orchestrate everything, make a BIG to-do, and the husbands would take credit for it with the wives thinking their husbands were people they were not. Certainly, these wives would come to expect further such romance from their husbands and most likely they'd be let down because it wasn't who their husbands really were. Their husbands were lying. My friend was extremely offended when I completely disagreed with this plan of hers.)
Just some interesting background information.
This woman struggled with saying what she meant and meaning what she said. She'd push the truth by saying something that could be taken two different ways. I suspect she thought that if she meant it the hurtful way but I took it the positive way, then no lying was done. I would often assume she meant something hurtful because I knew how she talked about other people. Why would I assume I was any different just because I was her best friend?
When faced with similar situations now, I try to always assume the best. But I am glad that this woman is no longer in my life because having to decide to not take offense, having to assume the best, being asked to explain/justify my decisions, is EXHAUSTING.
Still, the point is that if I had to handle her now, I'd assume the best of all her passive-aggressive and ambiguous statements. It's my life policy now. I think I'm great so I assume that you do, too. It doesn't really matter if you don't, so why not assume that you do?
Generally, though, if there's something you've said that I don't understand, I'll ask you what you meant. My friends can attest to this.
As for #4, always doing my best, that will be my next post.
The Four Agreements. Easy read, short, life changing. Even my 9-yar-old has read it.
Daily Gratitudes
- Pam, for coming to boost my van this morning.
- Employment.
- Universal health care.
- My home and new fence and gate.
- The people who take care of the people I love.
