A friend who was a psychiatric nurse sent me a Facebook message today to check out this mental health illness called Cyclothymia. (I love that people feel they can send me mental health diagnoses via email. No, really. Isn't it a good sign that she knew I wouldn't be offended?)
I have often thought I'm bipolar but every time I hear something on CBC radio that makes the disorder sound fitting and I look up information in the DSM, I find that it doesn't really suit me.
Cyclothymia is kind of like a more diluted version of bipolarism with a low phase and a euphoric phase:
Dysthymic phase
Difficulty making decisions; problems concentrating; poor memory recall; guilt; self-criticism; low self-esteem; pessimism; self-destructive thinking; continuously feeling sad; apathy; hopelessness; helplessness; irritable, quick temper; lack motivation; social withdrawal; appetite change; lack of sexual desire; self-neglect; fatigue or insomnia
Euphoric phase
Unusually good mood or cheerfulness (euphoria); Extreme optimism; Inflated self-esteem; Poor judgment; Rapid speech; Racing thoughts; Aggressive or hostile behavior; Being inconsiderate of others; Agitation; Increased physical activity; Risky behavior; Spending sprees; Increased drive to perform or achieve goals; Increased sexual drive; Decreased need for sleep; Tendency to be easily distracted; Inability to concentrate
Blah.
BLAH.
So much of this matches. Not all of it, thankfully, but enough.
So, now, if it's even possible, I'm even more depressed. Because if I'm not entirely at fault for my low periods, if my low periods are not a true reflection of who I really am, what about the high periods? Is that not me either? Is it possible that the people who love me are in love with a freakin' psychiatric disorder? Who am *I* in all this?
I would say that it leaves me feeling like I don't know who I am except that this IS who I am. This is all I know. I don't know what it's like to be normal. I never have been.
So, it leaves me wanting to give up. My friend Pam tells me there WILL be a solution. I don't believe it. I really don't. I think this is going to be something I'll have to put up with my whole life. If there is a real solution, why haven't I found it yet? What is the point, God, in all this suffering? It only hurts people. I see absolutely nothing good in it. I'm already a compassionate person so I don't need to learn that lesson.
Pam wants me to start taking EMPower Plus again. It's a vitamin combination, developed by some Mormon guys in Alberta who each have horrible stories of mental health problems in their families. It's's been researched and talked about a lot on CBC radio because many people (some I know personally) have reported being cured from all sorts of mental health illnesses just from this vitamin and herb combo. Skeptical? I don't blame you. The thing is, it's supposed to be taken in heavy dosages. Like, minimum 8 pills a day. I'm probably supposed to be taking 15 pills a day. And that's just for this one vitamin. That doesn't include the cow adrenal pills I have to take or vitamin D or Omega oils or all sorts of pills I take for my health because my health sucks.
And I just have never been able to bring myself to keep up with that regimine. I either don't want to take them or I forget. Forgetting is very easy to do. And taking one little pill that cost me $5 a month, instead of the $70 for one bottle of EMPower Plus, seemed like a more sensible idea because it worked. It's just not working anymore.
So, I'm considering the idea of trying again, but asking for a support network of people to remind me to take them. I've actually sort of asked before but I think no one took me seriously. Pam said she'd phone me three times a day if I needed it. But that's a lot for one person to take on. I think if I had a number of people emailing, tweeting or phoning me to ask me to take my pills, I'd be more likely to take them because then I'd feel like I'm letting more than just myself down if I don't. Plus, my brain doesn't remember so well. I really do forget. Especially the afternoon pills are easy to forget.
Then, once I start feeling better, I'm less inclined to take my pills because it's not on my mind anymore and because it doesn't seem real that I ever needed them. I forget what it's like to be really depressed. And that's when I'll need a support network the most-- when everything seems sunny.
I'm inclined to at least give this a try before trying a differnet SSRI because I am scared of the side effects. I mean, sexual side effects?! Can there be anything worse? Just kidding. Mostly.
It's 10:52 am right now. It feels like 1am. I'm exhausted, sleepy, near hopeless, my eyes are burning, and I have to get it together to go see voodoo "doctor" at 12, then I have to make a programme for a baptism, write a talk for it, get some food together, and make sure our clothes are all ready for Josie's baptism tonight at 6. UGH.
