UGGGHHHHARRRRRGGGHHHHMMMMMM.
GROOOOAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.
Ya, that didn't make me feel better because I didn't actually do it out loud. I want to yell and groan and make people in India cover their ears. I feel like I've been giving birth to myself lately and especially certain days here and there, yesterday being one of them. And it doesn't help that I just read Dooce's birth story which just made me feel even more labour-y. And I was actually going to write about home birth and put up photos (but do it in a way you haven't all read before a million times-- hopefully) and now it will look like I'm copying Dooce. GEEZ.
I have so much I want to write about but it's like I am having these spiritual contractions that are making me short of breath. I said on Twitter yesterday:
Except that I couldn't hyperventilate. I wanted to weep but it was caught in my chest so I thought, No problem. I'll just hyperventilate. And then I'll pass out and drown in the shower and everyone will be like, "See what happens when you write about how you don't want to die? Quick, no one say bad stuff and toss some salt over your left shoulder!"
But I couldn't hyperventilate either.
So, later Jude and I went to Home Depot to get some fence post caps and he's being funny and cute and we're talking about what would be our 5 favourite vices if we weren't Mormon, so my mind is off this labour I'm in, and then we're driving home and it just hits me like ARRRRGGGGHHHHHH. Sorry. I can't explain it. I know, some writer, eh? Okay, I'll try:
I literally felt like I was breathing through contractions. I wanted to put my head against the dash and just survive like I just survived when I birthed my kids. But I didn't want to scare Jude. It was just an intense sadness that caused my mouth to be paralysed. Usually, I can smile and laugh through my depression. I cope by distraction. Music, internet, humour. <--- My meds. I am so good at faking it. I'm good at being cheerful in public when I'm actually depressed. But this was a different kind of depression. This was when it gets BAAAAAD. (A lot of vowel and consonant repetition here today.) Except that it wasn't the typical depression I have where I am just hopeless for no reason whatsoever, where I want to die and if you were to ask me why I would cry, "Why do I have to have a reason to die?! Please stick a needle in my eye!" And my kindergarten teacher somewhere in the world would do a little flip over my excellent rhyming.
This was an intense sadness for a reason. This was spiritual birthing. I am walking through the valley of the shadow of death and it's hard. I ache. I want to cry but I can't. I vacillate between wanting to just lie in a field for days and wanting to run into the arms of all the people who love me and say, "Fix it! Say, do something to fix this!"
So, I brought Rachel home and went in to see Ron and Pam, some of my favourite people on Earth, not to mention Jupiter and Uranus (heh heh). And Pam knew I wanted/needed to talk. Maybe I tipped them off when I told Ron that I almost ran to their house on Sunday to say, "Ahhhhh! Help! Fix me!" (I was a little more specific with him, though.) So, we talked.
And let me just say that I have a testimony that God loves me, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen. God let me move here and gave me Ron and Pam. And that's no freakin' accident. They are truly some of the best people I've ever known and anyone who has any criticism of them at all has idiot-tendencies. Because when it comes to the things that matter most, Ron and Pam are pretty divine.
After spending some time yesterday talking to two women about welfare and unemployment insurance and accountability and work and forgiveness and love and the Lord's will and on and on... it was like cold water to a parched throat to talk to Ron and Pam and to have them not only GET what I was saying and what I believe but to preach it even better.
It was a wonderful balm to talk about love when I had spent time earlier talking about stupid condemnation. Screw condemnation. Condemnation SUCKS. I'm so tired of hearing of hearing people condemn other people. It makes me want to pour through my blog to see how much time I have spent doing that and repent of it for fourteen million hours. And yes, I realise I just said "idiot-tendencies" but I was exaggerating to make a point.
We talked about the atonement and about judging others and about charity and repentance. We talked about the disciplinary councils that our church holds for people who've committed big sins and Ron had some perspective, from being on many of those councils himself as a part of high council. We talked about how the church differs throughout the world and how declarations have changed over the years because of how the church is still run by PEOPLE who filter revelation through their own understanding and styles of communication.
I realised that as generous as I thought God was with us children, as forgiving as I thought (and I already knew my interpretations were more generous than some other Mormons' interpretations) I had no idea how much I was UNDERestimating. I had no idea how much freedom and love he gives us, how many chances both on earth and after we die.
I felt a deep-souled confirmation that all this love I've been feeling from God as I walk through this valley of the shadow of death (cheery analogy, no?) is really real. I've had trouble for years feeling and relating to love from God because I've never felt that from a father and I have struggled to trust the love I feel from the people around me. But lately, I've been feeling it.
I strongly feel like the more we falter, doubt, and screw up, the MORE God loves us. God loves SINNERS. Christ didn't die for the perfect people. Ya, there are things God hates. He says that a person would be better to have a millstone tied around his neck and dropped into the sea than to offend a child. But the reason WHY we do the things we do is more important than WHAT we do. If you hurt a kid because you have evil in your heart and you wanted to cause them and their parents pain, that's completely different from hurting a child because you reverted to patterns from your childhood where you were hurt in the same ways.
And that's why I'm so glad that I'll be judged by God and not by people.
Um... my point....
I'm so emotional right now, inside. You can't see it on the outside but it's really there.
And I'd love to say more, to explain what the heck I'm really trying to say but I can't because just like I find it impossible to talk when I'm in the middle of childbirth and I need to use telepathy for communication, I can't really talk through this.
I just feel this angst in my stomach and I've been doing a lot of deep breathing.
I'm not trying to be mysterious. I just literally don't have words. And yet, I felt a need to write SOMETHING. And so you have this.
I can't believe you read all this. You're weird.
Daily Gratitudes
- Ron and Pam. Pam and Ron. No particular order there.
- The Infinite Atonement by Tad Callister. I am going to finish it in the next couple of days. Be prepared for a lot of "Oh my heck! Listen to this quote!"
- Juuuuuuuude. I wish people knew how special he is. Ron and Pam know.
- We've been having a lot of cool, rainy weather and I love it. It's perfect for spiritual labour.
- Revelation.
