These are the bizarre Google searches that have brought people to my blog. I didn't include the really offensive ones.
"live in chastity belt married" -- You might wonder why someone needs a chastity belt when they're married. Like, maybe if you're not ready for sex, don't get married. Because to marry someone and then never have sex with them really defines the word "tease". But after seeing so many people finding my blog after searching for chastity belts, I clued in that some people just have a chastity belt fetish. (Where did I write about chastity belts? The blog post where I got my braces off is called "Braces: the chastity belt for your mouth". Also, a ton of people search for info on braces.)
"make your own chastity belt" -- Just don't.
"chastity belt crazy glue" -- Oh, poor girl.
"what happens when you eat sitting down" -- I'm going to say that the food goes down your esophagus, into your stomach, then on to your small intestine, then your large intestine and then out your bum. But what do I know? Everything I know I learned from The Magic School Bus.
"babysiter [sic] sleeping naked" -- Babysitters are not supposed to be sleeping OR naked, unless you live in a nudist colony. If you come home and your babysitter is sleeping naked? She's probably coming on to you.
"bad things about Mormons" -- FREAK ALERT! There are no bad things about Mormons. We're perfect.
"big fish lyrics you've got to move along I believe in something beautiful to see move a long [sic]" -- It's GREAT BIG SEA, not "big fish". *eyeroll*
"sociopathism" -- You mean SOCIOPATHY?
"eating cod sperm" -- That's real. People do that. I wrote a post about it somewhere. I saw it on that gross jobs tv show.
"'heard moaning' sex" -- Well, that can happen.
"pee + straitjacket" -- If you're in a straitjacket, peeing should be the least of your concerns.
"about salmon angel hair straighteners" -- WTH?!
"chastity devices for gay boys" -- Just tell them God hates them. I hear that works.
"chloroform book stalkers" -- If I ever have a band, I'm naming it this. Obviously.
"cockroachers [sic] worms bugs sex" -- Sounds like a good time. (Call me.)
"do china people throw the baby girls in the park" -- You mean CHINESE people? That's what people who live in China are called. And oh gosh I hope not.
"do cockroaches eat eyebrows" -- COCKROACHES EAT ANYTHING. They are Satan's minions. They never die. They will eat your eyebrows but who cares because, dude, they're just on their way to your EYEBALLS. Sweet dreams.
"do female mormons get their virginity checked before marriage in temples" -- FREAKIN' BAPTIST ANTI-MORMON VIDEOS! First of all, that's so offensive. You don't have to be a virgin to get married in the temple. Duh. Secondly, YOU CAN'T TELL IF SOMEONE'S A VIRGIN EVEN BY A VAGINAL EXAM. *bangs head on table repeatedly*
"do people eat cod sperm" -- I know. It's hard to believe, but YES THEY DO.
"do roaches eat toenail clippings" -- THEY EAT EVERYTHING, I TELL YOU! They are coming for your soul. Sleep tight.
"dog not eating is something wrong?" -- Um. YES.
"flimsy straitjacket" -- I know, I have this problem too. Our dinner guests are always able to get away, despite our best efforts.
"fruitarians are stupid" -- I can't disagree with you.
"from: somethinggirl sex" -- *scoff* Who? ME?
"fruit in foreplay" -- You did NOT get this idea from me. Being covered in sticky fruit juices does not turn me on. (But if you've got worms, cockroaches, and bugs, call me. *wink*)
"genitals" -- I'll play your little game: Livers. Elbows. Belly buttons. Gall bladders.
"girlfriend peeing on camping trip" -- Ya, I don't let my girlfriend do that. Straitjacket time.
"help I'm living with Mormons!" -- Run away quickly before they are nice to you!
"how big is cod's sperm" -- Why? Hungry?
"hot air balloon door knobs" -- Another great band name.
"how can I tell what god wants me to do" -- Oh. That's easy. Have you heard of the $1000 miracle? Give me $1000 and I'll explain it to you.
"how do I make my personality" -- One part celebrity worship, one part what everyone else is doing, two parts changing yourself to accommodate different situations, one part join a cult like Mormonism. Simple.
"how do i say thank you to someone who thinks i'm pretty" -- You say, "I can tell you think I'm pretty. Thank you."
"how many times has jude law been married" -- Well, I wouldn't know. I only joke about fancying him. I'm not the type to care about celebrities, really. (Okay, don't tell anyone I know this: He was married once to Sadie Frost, and they had three kids. Then they divorced though I think he still has the hots for her, and he was engaged to Sienna Miller, who is very pretty but scrawny as heck, and he cheated on her with the cute nanny that his ex-wife hired to help him with the kids, which was probably sabotage, and since then he's been dating a bunch of women when he's not stalking me and he got some unnamed woman pregnant recently and while John suspected it was me, I'm not at liberty to discuss it. Also, Jude Law's sister is named Natasha.)
"how to become awesome" -- Just hang out with me a little longer.
"how to freeze boiled cabbage" -- Don't!! Just don't! Boiled cabbage shouldn't even exist in the first place, never mind preserved in a LESS desirable state. Horrifying.
"how to know if my teen is depressed or just grieving" -- Well, if your teen has something to grieve, then s/he's probably grieving and I don't know anyone who is HAPPY while grieving so... does it matter what you call it??
"how to look sexy at the gym" -- Olivia Newton John really set the bar, but I would just add holding your mouth in an O shape and saying "ooh" a lot, with every rep. That's how I lost ten pounds.
"how to pull an invisible string from someone's hand" -- Is this hard? It's invisible. You get to make the rules when doing invisible things.
"i want to not poop for a day" -- I'd suggest you stop eating. Or I hear cheese will do it. Lots of cheese.
"i'm in love with a mormon" -- I don't blame you. Happens to me all the time.
"miracle sky fruit" -- Another awesome band name.
"is there any benefit in using preparation h on your belly a few days in a row?" -- Do you often get told you're a giant hemorrhoid?
"is sleeped a real word" -- NO. Wait-- it depends. What language?
"trapped in a chastity belt" -- It's a chastity belt, idiot. That's the point.
"what does cod sperm taste like" -- Like shame.
"where to buy anniston's dress marley pool" -- You mean the dress that Jennifer Anniston wore in Marley & Me, the movie that was set in the '90's?? Check the Salvation Army.
"oh my goodness david sedaris is gay" -- Shocking, isn't it? I thought that stopped being trendy last year. Huh.
"was there anything that could have been done to save Natasha?" -- Probably. But it's too late now.
Daily Gratitudes
- I'm kind of depressed, actually. Hence the above sarcasm.
- Um... I haven't been too tired lately.
- My kids have been pretty happy and summer is almost done.
- God loves me.
- So does Jude. And I don't mind him either.
