Bell Expressvu: I want to kick you in the nads and feed you Exlax

I will confess upfront that I am foaming at the mouth. If you were here right now, Bell Expressvu, I'd be kicking you in the groin and lacing your food with Exlax. And I'd still be mad.

I just want a box sent to me. A label even. Just send me a label. Find a human who can print something on a computer and manually take it to your mail centre. That's all! Just a mobile human-- any variety will do-- with at least one working arm and a partially functioning brain. That's all I need. See? I'm not very demanding.

Your PVR player broke on me on New Year's-- right when we wanted to suspend all productivity and intellectual activity and just watch television. And all my husband's precious recorded movies like The Eagle Has Landed were lost.

I feel compelled to also point out to you that New Year's takes place in January, practically December. And it's July right now. I feel compelled to point this out to you because you're stupid. I feel compelled to point out to you that you're stupid because I think you're too stupid to have grasped the pointed insinuation that you're stupid. Let me know if that's too subtle.

Okay, so January to July is SEVEN MONTHS.

For seven months I have been waiting for a replacement box for the old receiver because my three-year-old ripped off the return label on the first box. Even a replacement label will do. I have phoned seven times.

You keep phoning me to point out that I have not paid this $600+ bill for the new PVR player. I keep pointing out that I'm never going to pay it. 

Your representatives keep telling me, "Don't worry, Mrs. Loewen. I will take care of this for you. I'm so sorry this has happened. This time you will receive a new box between 7 and 10 business days."

And I say, "Ya, I've heard that before."

And so when you cut off my service because I hadn't paid the bill, I phoned on June 3rd and spoke with a customer service representative. I was transferred to another representative in billing. I asked for someone high up in the department. I was transferred to another customer service representative named Ian. I asked if he was a supervisor. He said no. Didn't I just ask for someone high up in the department? Is your company policy to just pass phone calls down the line through each impotent person with an accent so strong I can barely understand their English and can't read their lips? 

I told Ian that I wanted to speak to a supervisor now. I had to wait from 10:03am to 10:15am to speak with Isabel. The call was broken up severely and she had to phone me back. This happens a lot when I phone Bell Expressvu: static calls. Aren't you a telecommunications company? Doh. There was still a lot of static when she phoned back but I managed to get my message across.

Isabel was lovely. She explained that your computer system has the IQ of a rock and unless she put another PVR onto my account and then reported it broken, the system would, like a stubborn 2-year-old, refuse to send me a box.  She sounded extremely confident (as had every other impotent person before her) that she had fixed my problem.

She contacted billing and had to fight with them on my behalf to get them to turn my service back on, explaining that none of this was my fault.

Because, do you realise, that if I had paid my bill, trusting that I'd get a refund once you received my old PVR receiver, that I'd be out $600 all these months? Thankfully, I'm a bazillion times smarter than that, approximately.

Isabel gave me the confirmation number 20090511144987 for this help ticket.

OKAY! So, you're all caught up. Ready?

Someone just phoned me this morning* from Bell Expressvu to ask me when I am going to pay my bill. I said, "NEVER."

I explained why. She told me-- HAHAHAHAHAHA-- that I should try phoning Bell about this! Thank you for calling me a big fat idiot, Lady.

I asked her if she had a special magical number that could actually accomplish this epic Lord-of-the-Rings-equivalent task of sending me a bloody box. She said-- excuse me while I wipe the tears away from my hysterically laughing eyes-- that I should try 310-BELL.

"You mean the number for Ontario? I'M IN ALBERTA, REMEMBER?"

"Oh. Well, try your area code. Let's see... what's your area code...?"

"I KNOW MY AREA CODE. It's 403."

"Right. Okay, well try 403-310-BELL."

After I a-righted my eyeballs that got stuck in the back of my head, I tried that number. Of course it didn't work at all. I might as well have dialed KILL-ME-NOW. (Which definitely wouldn't do anything because it's not even the same number of digits as a phone number. Also, New Year's is in January.)

So, I phoned 1-888-SKYDISH, a number I memorised a long time ago, and spoke with a man in the escalation department who had the nerve to tell me, "This is not a problem."

And for the first time in seven phone calls and multiple people, I was snotty with someone. Okay, so I was a little bit snotty with the woman who phoned me today from Billing. Still. Seven months. Pat my back.

So, apparently, the reason I have not received a box yet is because this issue was not "flagged" with an "escalated" "confirmation number". Something like that. WHATEVER. I'll believe it when I see it.

The man asked me to write down a confirmation number.

"HA! Why exactly should I DO that? I have done that before. It gets me nowhere. It's only a record of incompetency."

"You have a confirmation number from before? It's not showing up."

"Yes, I do." Because I wrote it all down because I knew that Isabel, as lovely as she was, would also fail to rescue the princess like all the other princes before her. And I knew I'd write about it on a blog. I gave him the confirmation number.  Guess what that accomplished. DIDDLY SQUAT.

Shocker, I know.

I should start giving confirmation numbers to my friends and family when I have no intention of carrying out a task. "Sure, I'll fold your underwear later, Husband. Your confirmation number is 20034875640283756264852758593. If you forget this number, I cannot help you. If you write this down it will also accomplish nothing. Now let me get back to Twittering."

So. The fate of our relationship hangs in the balance. Will Natasha ever receive this elusive cardboard contraption? Will Bell Expressvu develop the capacity to accomplish a simple task? Will Natasha's service get cut off again?

STAY TUNED!

In the meantime, Bell, my new confirmation number is 20090709135142. Enjoy bouncing it around between your hands and tickling its belly and pulling a quarter out from behind its ears.

Me? I'm unsure what to do from here. I'm tempted to not pay my bill until I get cut off again and then never pay it ever and specify in my will that NO ONE is to ever pay it on my behalf. Because our credit is so good that this little kick in your nads is unlikely to affect our score. In fact, it would only affect MY credit rating and it's really my husband's credit rating that we live off of .

Not like you care anyway, you rich Incompetent.

By the way, I like roses. And massages. And lobster. And you already have my address.

* Post was written yesterday. Only posted today.

Daily Gratitudes

1. We've got a fence going up.
2. My dog chases down and eats moles. How cool is that?
3. Going to paint some pottery with Daisy today.
4. It's finally sunny.
5. Our garden is growing.

Comments

[Deb]

I know it's not funny - this situation of yours - but the way you tell it... well, it made me laugh (something I needed this morning). So. Thank you. And I hope you get this all straightened out.

[Gabrielle]

Oh my goodness, you tell it well!
I worked at a call center for 5 years. 5 YEARS. I hated it. I was always a top performer because I was so nice and thorough with people. I followed through. So now, because I COULD DO IT, I have NO tolerance when others don't. I used to be nice too, but I get snotty when people are rude on the phone. They should feel lucky to have a job in this economy, not act like I KILLED THEM by calling.
I hope you can send this post to someone in their company who reads it and makes some change. It's so frustrating!

[Natasha]

LOL. "...like I KILLED THEM".  I should send it to the company. I didn't think of that.

[Megan]

Not a witty thing to say here. Just thought this was pretty fantastic.

I'm going to take inspiration from you and start giving out confirmation numbers for the things I'm never going to take care of.

Genius.

Oh, and I think it's very gross that your dog eats moles. Really eats them? Doesn't just chase them away? Ugh.

[Natasha]

It's totally gross. But also very cool. Like, she DIGS THEM OUT OF THEIR HOLES. Gotta admire a girl who can do THAT, you know?



It's totally genius to give out confirmation numbers. I should have thought of it sooner.

[JulesD]

LOVE the confirmation number give-away! We should raffle off the numbers... make a little cash on the side.

LOVE that Izzy is so useful at getting rid of vermin. We had a cat once who squeaked like a mouse and actually tricked mice to walk right up to her to see what the heck she was... a big orange mouse? Watched her do it several times. She never left any traces of the critters behind either. Gross, but highly effective. Except for one of my hubby's friends -- whom I held much distain for -- she would drop the mice heads on him when he was in the basement. She would climb into the rafters and drop the heads right on his lap!! No one else, just him. I'm dead serious. She was such a brilliant cat.

AND... my sympathies. I can totally relate to the Bell anti-fan club theme here. Good luck.

[kim]

As of today I will begin handing out confirmation numbers to everyone for everything. (Meaning I will have to actually DO nothing.)
love it!!!!!

[Clear2Go]

Natasha,

This made me feel a little guilty as I am laughing at your pain, but post this made my afternoon, albeit at your expense. Don't pay them any money till they send you what you have asked for. I'd also ensure they don't charge you interest (they will so you'll have to fight that) -- also check your credit rating (they will probably add lack of payment to it) -- unfortunately they have a lot of power.

Good luck.
-mike

[Natasha]

They've told me that they'll take the charge for the receiver off my bill when I send the old one back, proving to them that it is, in fact, broken and I didn't just want a second one for whatever reason, for free.  All I have to do is send the receiver back and I don't have to pay anything. Sounds simple, right? LOL.

[Robert]

A couple of months back now, I wrote a post about the incompetence of Norton/Symantec. It resulted in a PR person from Norton getting me to an upper-level tech who solved my problem in about ten minutes. Hopefully this post has similar power for you. I'm curious if you get any effect from it, since my lowly little blog is certainly much less noticeable than yours.

[Natasha]

UGH. I had a major problem with them too once. Wasted some money.

[Jeff Shattuck]

Hope they send the lobster as I think that is the only way they can pull this one out of the pot.

[Natasha]

Good call, Jeff. You are a perceptive one. ;-)

[JQ]

Have you seen "The Hudsucker Proxy?" Great movie. We love the new employee orientation scene where the supervisor is screaming, "31743alpha -- that is your employee number. It will NOT be repeated. Without your employee number you cannot be paid..."

[Karla]

Hi Natasha,

I just found your blog from Canada Mom's Blog after you left a comment on my last post. Just wanted to say Hi! Love your blog. :)