I repent, I forgive, I gushy up some love

I had a good experience this week, eye-opening. I've come away with questions to analyse which excites me because it promises further development on this Becoming Something frontier.

Basically, I lost my cool. YES, again. Not at first. But definitely later.

I lost my cool at Catherine from Her Bad Mother. I wasn't the only one, I add, childishly, like that makes it better. 

[Note, the most prominent example of me losing my cool has been taken down along with the post it accompanied and here is Catherine's explanation for taking it down, which I fully accept. There's also my Twitter feed but it's much harder to link to and I took down just a few of my tweets so it wouldn't fill up other people's Twitter feed.]

I had questions and observations that didn't sit well with me and they were not sudden. I had been sitting on them for a while, quietly, with no plans to ever be un-quiet.

But, eventually, Catherine became the target for my sensitivity to perceived inequity, insecurity, and disingenuous-ness within the mom blogosphere and my sensitivity burst onto that same scene, with her as my target.

Now, I actually believe that my reaction was kinda logical, natural, and human. But that doesn't make it right.

I have come away with questions and these are some of them:

1. Why do I care so much?
2. Should I care so much?
3. If it's okay to care so much does that necessarily mean it's wise or beneficial in any way to say or do something?
4. If it is wise or beneficial, what's the best way to approach things?
5. If my perspective is not understood or welcomed, when do I give up?

I was indignant over perceived hypocrisy and over judgment I thought was completely unjustified.  However, I made a few judgmental statements and conclusions myself which is... hypocritical. DANG, why is hypocrisy so hard to avoid?

Now that all my "righteous indignation" has settled down, largely due to some excellent private dialogue between Catherine and I, I feel really grateful for this experience. Is it silly to say that I feel baptised into the mom blogosphere now?

I'm grateful to have stretched my mind to try to see things from Catherine's perspective and I've concluded that we just have different styles and belief systems, neither of which could be said to be "right". (I'm not referring to religion. You know that I believe I AM right there, though I have tons of compassion and understanding and ability to relate to people who don't believe that.) I AM relieved to be reassured that she is a person worthy of trust (I think, I hope. I mean-- how can I KNOW? I can't. But I'm pretty sure.).

It's possible that at some point she will again write something that will annoy me because it won't be communicated to my liking, to my sense of style. But, I will be able to hold my tongue and keep the peace, both because I am reassured and because it doesn't matter as much as it seems to matter in the moment.

I'm crossing my fingers that I will remember that lesson in the future. :-)

And I'm experiencing a surprising after-effect from all of this. It's an after-effect I've experienced twice in two weeks. GUSHY LOVE. How embarrassing! I feel so... grateful for communication.

Twice in two weeks I've experienced conflict. The first was mostly a misunderstanding and bad timing (and didn't involve me snapping at anyone). The second, of course, was this situation with Catherine.

I've been feeling immensely grateful for my ability to communicate my thoughts and to say sorry where due and to forgive AND to have correspondence with others who can do the same. The result in the first situation was a closer, more intimate relationship. I hope that will be the case in this current situation. 

EarnestGirl wrote this earnest line in today's Canada Moms Blog post, about Leonard Cohen:

"His songs encompass so very much about the ordinary splendor and stumble of living and trying to love one another despite the messiness of our world."

And ahhhh! I thought that was a great (and poetic) line and really applicable to the past few days. 

I think Catherine is a somewhat complicated woman with complicated thoughts. And the same has been said of me (by my husband... who would know). It would make sense, especially if we're guided by different philosophies, that we'd come to butt heads and need to undergo a challenge like this to understand each other.  Or is that being too charitable? Am I just a jerkhead and she's just prideful? I say no.

I feel some gushiness, now, I admit. I think it's a combo of resolution (I think, I hope) and being able to peer a little further into someone's heart and mind. It's also relief that my initial impressions of good were not off the mark. That's a part of my problem: I tend to assume the best about people and when they start to fall off the pedestal I've placed them upon, I'm embittered and I mourn.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry it happened yet again. I'm sorry to annoy and disappoint. In the moment it feels justified like, "This time is different! This is different."

I do have faith that I'll learn my lessons and that I'll become seasoned at this, making this more enjoyable for all.

Where I was full of confusion and moral outrage has now been filled with compassion and (honestly, I'm embarrassed to say it) love.

And I hope, I think... it will last longer than... a few hours.

Daily Gratitudes

1. Piano lessons are OVER FOR THE SEASON! All that missing lessons because I forgot was hard on my self-esteem. Watch my ego grow superficially over the summer with less failure because of fewer expectations of me. Ha!
2. Josie's best friend and her mom came to her piano recital, which was so supportive and touching. Jude and I gave them 230 Humanity points for that.
3. Mr. Lady and her heart, given freely in portion, via email. 
4. Our ward got a new bishop today and he's a great guy and he's my dentist who put my braces on (then mercifully, took them off). The whole bishopric is great.
5. Today is not Father's Day after all. I thought it was but it's not so I can pretend that I didn't REALLY forget to do anything special for Jude for Father's Day becaues it's really NEXT Sunday and I knew that all along. Suuuurrrre....
6. Bonus: Playing Catch the Football with Lulu. Lulu quotables: "We're playing football!" (Well, we're CATCHING a football.) "Dat was a good one!" "Dat was an itchy one." (After bumping her head on the table.) "AWKWARD." (After catching the ball. I don't know where she got this from or how her catch warranted it but it made me throw my head back with laughter.) "Awkward!" (Many times repeated after she scored a laugh from me the first time and saw me write it here because I loved it so much. If it's funny once it's going to be funny the fifteenth time, right?) Oh, wait. She says she got it from Alice on Martha Speaks. Yay, a cartoon from the many hours of tv she watches. I am so proud.

Comments

[Michelle]

I don't what this whole "situation" with you and this other women entailed. Nor do I really care all that much. But I do think the questions that you came to ask yourself because of the situation are very pertinent. Just yesterday I was talking to my husband about a show I saw on tv the night before. The show upset me a great deal to say the least and I was explaining why it upset me Clint just looked at me and more or less asked me those same questions. The people in that show don't know me. I don't know them. I'm sure they could probably care less about me or my opinion of them. So why then was I so upset? Why did it even matter? Why exert so much negative energy into something that had absolutely nothing to do with me?

I know it's completely different from your situation in that you are actually involved in some thing with someone and I'm just upset over stupid teenagers and stupid parents making bad choices together. But the questions still apply.

My very long drawn out point is that I think we could all learn something interesting about ourselves if we just took a moment to step back and ask the right questions.

[EarnestGirl]

"But, I will be able to hold my tongue and keep the peace, both because I am reassured and because it doesn't matter as much as it seems to matter in the moment."

In our culture of instant communication I think this is a very worthy lesson. Gone are the days of think before you speak. We all "speak" a great deal, but often in the heat of the moment, (should I say the tweet of the moment?) or with a casual, public Facebook diffidence.

I think it says a great deal about you and herbadmother that you chose to talk about it and resolve your differences personally. And that you have tried to be so thoughtful about understanding & processing your own reactions here.

Thank you for including me so graciously in your ahhh. To have the words I wrote make some small difference or connection means a great deal. It is, I believe, what the writing -and blogging- is really all about.

[Sam]

I read recently that self-awareness, which you demonstrate readily in this post and others, is the key to increasing emotional Intelligence (EQ). Experts say that EQ is more important in today's world than IQ. Hmmmm . . .

I find that the ability to be honest with myself helps me cope with my faults. I figure that since I'm not (quite) perfect yet ;-) that at least I can be honest about it.

I admire your courage for taking this type of thing head-on. That's not easy to do even in private. It's much easier to play the blame game and be done with it. Keep up the good work.

[Beth]

My mother used to always ask me; "is that person smarter than you? Are they better than you? are they more important than you? Then why do you care what they think?" Over the years that line of thinking has saved me a lot of aggravation.

I also think that we care what people think the most when we are the most insecure about our own choices. It is when we are unsure if we are making the right decision, made the right choices that we are the most sensitive to people disagreeing. You said it yourself that you have no desire to argue with people about their religious beliefs because you KNOW you are right. Well, motherhood is not that black and white and NOBODY KNOWS if they are right - we are all hoping and praying that we are. As a result, we are a bit more sensitive.

[Natasha]

Hmm. Some interesting points, Beth, and I've said some of this myself but I don't think it applies here. Firstly, I don't think it's good to be sitting around telling myself that I'm smarter, better or more important than other people. And the implication of your mom's statement (no offense) is that I should then care about what people think who ARE smarter than me. I think it only matters what I think, what God thinks and what my husband and kids think of me.


And the problem with constantly evaluating ourselves against the backdrop of other people is that our self-esteem is constantly up and down, so ya, we WILL be insecure about our choices. I'm also not insecure about my mothering choices, even though I can't prove that I'm right. I guess it's just knowing that for me and my life I am right.


I think my answers to the questions I wrote above are going to be a bit different and more complicated than insecurity. I'm not a very insecure person. I think I care too much about the world being good but have to accept that my idea of good is not everyone's and so it's a futile battle even IF I am right.

[Her Bad Mother]

This was so generous of you, Natasha. Thank you.

I was thinking about our extended conversation, and about how difficult it was at first, when I clashed - for the umpteen trillionth time - with my daughter yesterday. We clashed, and I gnashed my teeth because she just would. not. yield. to my reasoning about something that I had asked her to stop doing and she kept coming back at me with her own reasoning and I think that at some point I actually stomped my foot because OH MY HECK how am I EVER going to survive my future with this strong-willed little she-creature? And then I thought, well. I should be grateful to have been given the life-long opportunity to be challenged by such a one as her. And I should - however difficult it might feel sometimes - be similarly grateful to be challenged by any strong-willed woman - any strong-willed person - because really, how else are we to become strong - in faith, in conviction, in flexibility, in tolerance, in understanding - ourselves?

So, yes. Thank you.