[I'm sorry. I have tried and tried to make this less wordy. But huge topics can only be distilled so much and I don't want to drag this out over days. If you're someone who usually groans at big, long posts, know that you'll be rewarded with this one if you're a regular reader of this blog. It's important, fascinating, and as personal as things get. Or are ever gonna get. I hope. I've bolded the stuff you could read to get the gist, if you want to skim. Shame on you, skimmers. ;-p Also, spell check is broken, so if you notice any spelling errors and want to point them out, not including Canadian/British spellings, feel free. Appreciated.]
Why It's Actually Awesome and Not Stupid That I'm Writing This PostRest assured, I have given this a lot of thought. For months. I have had spiritual promptings, which I've ignored because you would too. I have tested this out on various friends, online and off, and have been pleasantly surprised. I have prayed three times and felt much peace about this, more peace than I've ever felt in years while praying. Jude prayed about it, as well. I have consulted people who have been in my shoes and I have weighed out every scenario I can think of.
Thank goodness I don't care what strangers think of me and thank goodness I have faith in my friends and in the many educated, and seemingly tolerant and non-judgmental members of my ward.
Here's the thing: With the Prop 8 uproar in California and Iowa recently making gay marriage legal and with gay marriage available in Ontario, gay marriage and homosexuality are not topics we can really ignore. This will be the issue of our times. That which took place in California reflected only a portion of the animosity and discord we will soon see throughout the United States and eventually, to a lesser degree, Canada. That's my opinion, anyway. ("Lesser degree in Canada" because Canada's more liberal.) Gay people and supporters of the gay marriage movement voiced loud protests against the LDS church for encouraging members to raise their own money to campaign against gay marriage, and against the members for voting against gay marriage. Mormons were not even the majority of Yes to Prop 8 voters, but they were targeted in hate attacks.
This alarms me and I feel prompted to do whatever I can to help create a bridge between the gay marriage movement and Mormons.
Much of society believes that homosexuality is a born trait.(Although, these scholars do not and wowsers, this is a fascinating read.) The LDS church teaches that it's not, although there are probably people who are very susceptible to homosexual attractions, with the right combination of nurture and nature.
I don't think the non-Mormon world realises how many members of the church actually have same-sex attraction (SSA) issues to varying degrees, and yet still believe that homosexuality is a sin. They don't realise it because very few Mormons are comfortable coming out with their stories. People like Clint Martin of Soy Made Me Gay (<--a must-read blog post there-- so excellent) are trail blazers and, not that I've looked intently, but there are not that many staunch Mormon, gay bloggers out there, making this information known. (Some are kinda half-hearted Mormons, who lobby the Church to change commandments as if they don't know that the entire church is predicated upon the belief that all doctrines come directly from God.)
You would be very surprised to know how many Mormons there are who have experienced same-sex attraction, or who have actually acted out on it. I have been shocked at how many people that I know personally who've shared stories with me, some converts to the LDS church and some who were raised with the religion. I'm hoping that some will share their stories here in the comments, anonymously (and I'll make my case for why they should), but I know that to ask them to be open and public about it is like asking them to go live in a cave where people periodically come to spit on and stone them. I can't imagine that my ward would be like that but someone recently made the point to me that some Mormons are judgmental and spazzy over brightly coloured nail polish or the drinking of beverages with caffeine in them. (Brightly coloured nail polish? Really?)
A friend surprised me recently by telling me about someone very close to her who really struggled with same-sex attraction. This someone told my friend that she feels that the time may come when this issue of gay marriage vs. religion might become so contentious that Mormons who have battled with gay cravings/feelings/urgings and "won" might be called upon to speak out. This hit me like a brick to the stomach when I realised she could be right.
Right now, this is my perception of what the world says about homosexuality:
- Gay urges are natural.
- Homosexuality is a born trait.
- Some people believe you CAN be "bisexual". But some people charge that a person who has gay urges is probably gay and if they also have heterosexual urges, they are in denial of their gayness, or confused.
- Our sexual urges define our very identities.
- Homosexuality can't be changed.
This philosophy has such a strong footing in our society because the [typically religious] people who argue against it are believed to be people who have NO IDEA what it's like to have same sex attractions.
If more Mormons and other religious people come out to say that 1) their experiences with same-sex attraction were real, 2) that they don't believe they were born with them, 3) that it takes concerted effort to cause them to diminish and, 4) with attention given to them, the feelings could increase again... then our society's argument about homosexuality loses a little bit of footing. And if the above arguments about homosexuality according to the world are not true, then they should lose footing.
This IS the issue of our times and it's only growing bigger. We are grown-ups and should be able to handle such conversations about sexuality, even if it's awkward and super-personal, because the conversations are taking place without us anyway and without input from the LDS camp, the world's conversation becomes overwhelming to the point that the majority is very convincing. Sure, Mormons believe that sex is sacred and private. But if we believe that to the point that we're not willing to provide examples to the contrary and counter-arguments to the world's philosophies and examples about sexuality, how will the Lord get his messages across? If there's only one kind of dominant story out there about homosexuality, then how can Mormon youth, with homosexual feelings, feel anything but confused and convinced that joining the world is the only way to be?
If people don't come out and say that it's possible to be Mormon and "gay" or Mormon and "bisexual" or whatever having "same-sex attractions" (I like the term "gayish"-- hee, hee), then our world will have straight Mormons and gay ex-Mormons and hardly anyone in between. See this scientific diagram:
(That was a tongue-in-cheek false dichotomy. Don't write me letters about it. If you don't have a sense of humour, maybe you should pray about that.)
Don't interpret this to mean that I think if you have a SSA past or present and you're Mormon and you keep quiet about it, that you're not following promptings from God or something. No one else can say what is right for you, as an individual.
I merely think that my friend is right: More people who share their stories lends more credibility to the Lord's teachings on family, marriage, homosexualityThe Necessary Clarifications Before I Tell My Story
I don't really believe in labels like "gay", "bisexual", or "straight". I use them because they're recognized and easier to say than "same-sex attraction" or "same-gender attraction". Above, I linked to an article where some university professors on anthropology, history, sociology, and sexual history all say that there's no such thing as homosexuality or heterosexuality and that both of these terms were invented around the 19th century. They say that married people have had same-gender sexual relations for years without ever seeing themselves as "gay". They say that same-gender sex is merely a behaviour that has been around in probably every culture (some more than others *cough* Ancient Greeks *cough*) from approximately... the beginning of time. Ish. There have been famous people we know of who led straight lives until one same-gendered person came into their lives and that was the only gay relationship they ever had. Does that mean they were bisexual? Or really gay and all their straight sex activities were a fraud? I've heard some of the gay community say so. But these professors say that if the terms "straight" and "gay" were around back then, these people would most likely identify themselves as "straight". (Just read the article. ;-)
I believe that our constant discussion of sex has led our society to put more emphasis on sex than is necessary, to the point where our interests define us. I believe that this is the first time in the history of the world when we've used sexual activities to define our very identities.
Don't confuse me to be saying that I think there were no "gay" people until relatively recently. I'm not. I'm sure there's been plenty of people over history who only engaged in same-gender sex. But I do think that there are some people today who think they need to pick sides and because of the focus they put on their feelings, because of the focus that society puts on their feelings, because of some brain-washing, they push out all straight feelings entirely. I believe that our sexual thoughts and feelings are as vulnerable to suggestion and psychological damage as any of our other thoughts and feelings.
I'm also not saying that I think everyone experiences same-sex attraction. I know people who are extremely adamant that they never have experienced this.
My Story
I started to wonder around age 12, maybe. By age 15 I was pretty certain I was attracted to women and when the missionaries interviewed me for baptism they asked if I had ever had an abortion or if I had ever participated in any homosexual activity. (Because if I had, I'd have to talk to the bishop about the church's teachings on these matters to see if I would be ready to accept them. And so that I could be stoned. Okay, that was a joke.) I remember thinking, Phewf!! Narrowly avoided having to say yes to that. Not because I was fooling around with the girly sector at all. But I was sure that at some point I would likely find myself in a relationship with a woman.
Today, I believe that had I not joined the LDS church, I may have led a "gay" life for many years. I believe that at some point, probably in university, I would have developed a relationship with a woman and that would have become my normal. I can't see myself as ever calling myself "gay". I've always been attracted to men, but that's been complicated, which I'll explain later.
I did join the LDS church, however, at 16. I was not accepting of their view on homosexuality at first. It didn't make sense to me. How could it be a sin, given my feelings and how smart and cool and mostly normal I was? I saw myself as spiritual and open-minded. The short answer for why I did end up joining sounds like a trite Mormon answer, but it's true: God confirmed this information to my heart and spirit and I just knew it was true. I had faith that at some point, the church's teachings would make sense to me.
After I joined the church I experienced a great challenge. At age 17, I narrowly avoided an intimate relationship with a girl. Though I had a testimony of the teachings of my church, I was about ready to choose against that testimony. I was convinced that this relationship would be bliss and that I would feel truly loved and cherished like I hadn't yet experienced. Our obvious similarities would enable us to have a deep, emotional relationship that felt safe. I felt misunderstood my whole life and if men and women don't really understand each other, like people are always joking about (and like experience had taught me), then she would be able to fill that need better than anyone, because she was a woman, too. Or, a not-quite-a-girl-not-yet-a-woman. You know, like that Britney Spears song.
Thankfully, she turned out to not be the brooding intellectual I had built her up to be in my mind and my attraction quickly waned. I was both relieved and disappointed.
I do love men and have been quite desperately drawn to men for relationships. I believe (and therapists have believed) that this desperation was trying to fill the void left by my mostly non-existent dad. But I could never get too excited about the whole naked man thing. I felt repulsed by all the photos my mom had of Chippendale guys on her calender and murals she made of cute men, often half naked. I was repulsed by books I read at a too young age. I was repulsed by pornography to which I was exposed at a young age. I was repulsed by my uncle who found his way into my bed when I was 10, and holy cow, did I ever hate men for a long time after that. And I was pretty repulsed and, um, mad when my ex-boyfriend raped me.
But as for women's bodies... well, I'm a woman. And I'm not repulsed by my own body, so what would be so horrible about someone else's? No woman has sexually assaulted me. I've never had to associate women's bodies with fear, pain, and domination.
Over the years, this same-sex attraction has waned and increased, depending upon how emotionally wounded I feel, depending upon the childhood issues I deal with, and depending upon how much I dwell upon it. I may not be repulsed by women's bodies but that doesn't mean I want to get super intimate with them all, either, just like I'm not interested in getting intimate with all men. I can appreciate that a woman is attractive without thinking of her intimately. Same with men.
There are few real life women to whom I've been attracted. I'm not attracted to women who don't give off the same interest, just as I'm not attracted to gay men. For someone to be attractive to me there needs to be at least a potential that they would feel the same way about me, I guess.
Over the past few years, I've become much more comfortable with the male body. Where I used to be turned off almost entirely by male figures and turned on by female figures, that has now mostly reversed. Jude is very sexy to me. I love his masculinity.
I am so relieved by this change. I don't believe that I could have found this degree of happiness that I now experience, with a woman. For one thing, we would not be able to experience the fullest expression of our love: making children together. And women are obnoxiously competitive.
I don't dwell on thoughts of same-sex attraction. I'm lucky. I actually do like men and especially my husband. If I didn't, I'd be way too weak, I think, to "endure to the end". Most of the time you can find me dwelling upon thoughts of my children, and my husband and my dog and my blog, and my church, So You Think You Can Dance?, and sushi. But this I KNOW: If I did dwell upon it, and if I dwelt upon it during a period of time when I felt very hurt, vulnerable, and unloved, and the perfectly wrong person was there, I might be in trouble.
We become the things we think about. If you obsess about alcohol, you will take a drink. If you obsess about being fat, you'll either become fat, or develop an eating disorder. If you obsess about gay sex with a woman, you will find yourself the opportunity.
Am I Worried About What People Will Think of Me Now?
and
Potential Concerns
I WAS really concerned. Every time I felt prompted to write something like this in the past, I refused. I felt like throwing up. Someone told me that I'd be able to follow through when I was ready. I'm strangely not really worried anymore. How could anyone judge anyone else who's gone through the pain, abuse, and, neglect that I have? I suppose you don't know the details but is that really necessary? I guess that's why I'm not really worried anymore about how friends and any acquaintances who are privy to gossip about me, will react. If anyone can't see the connection and have understanding and compassion towards me, please let me know so I can give you the boot, you poor, close-minded, hard-hearted soul.
Some potential concerns I want to address:
- Natasha, why do you feel you'd have to share all of this? This is so personal. Now people will label you. Now people will always associate you with these pictures you've put in their heads.
a.) Mmm... no they won't. I'm a pretty vibrant person. My very me-ness will distract from all that, eventually. They'll forget. After all, I'm not "gay". I'm just a child of God.
b.) I'm happy to know who my real friends are. I'm happy to filter out the people who can't let it go, if any exist. Then I'll know with whom I'm safe (and with whom I'm not).
c.) I believe that what I've done here is important. It's important for the causes of tolerance and compassion. It's important for gay people to understand why Mormons believe what they believe. It's important that people with biases are challenged on those biases; I do not look like someone who's gayish, so I think I'm a pretty good person to do that. It's important that people who have similar struggles as I've had will know that while they feel totally alone, they're not. It's important for members of my church to know that there are members in their midst who wonder if they're "gay" or "bisexual" and when you're not careful with your comments about finding the slightest expression of homosexuality "disturbing" or "messed up" or whatever, that you could be contributing to their suicidal thoughts. Give that some serious thought.
d.) It's not like I have anything to be ashamed about. I have a temple recommend I'm worthy to hold. I'm a decent person who's becoming something better. That's all that matters.
e.) I feel remarkably at peace about writing this. The Lord has comforted me so many times. I've not prayed about anything this much in probably ten years. - Natasha, what's your opinion on gay marriage then?
I've addressed this here, here, and, here. I would personally be totally fine with gay people marrying. Golly, I wish that they could. I get very angry at some of the religious vitriol I hear on tv. I can become blind with indignation, like in my replies to Richard, the other day.
But I believe that God knows things that I don't know. He can forsee things that I can't. If he says that gay marriage is wrong for society, then I will support that on a ballot. It will break my heart but while I have beliefs about homosexuality, I KNOW that God is real. Ya, ya, I can't really "know". But I don't think there exists a word that means "believing as much as you can possibly believe without having absolute proof". "Know" is the best I can come up with.
Someone once asked of me why I didn't post those posts about gay Mormons and Prop 8 before the vote happened. The answer is simple: I was so flurried with emotions on the issue, I didn't know how to deal with it. It took me a long time to piece my thoughts together. I felt pain for a multitude of reasons. It is NOT easy feeling smack in the middle. Clint, of Soy Made Me Gay, said privately to me (but he's said this on his blog, I'm pretty sure) that he feels rejected by the gay community and not entirely in place with the church community. Whatever your own opinions are, know that being in that position is painful. It's just lonely, and frustrating, and keeping it all inside is torturous. Given those emotions, can you not see how I would not be able to just sit down and easily write a lovely little post when it's convenient to everyone else? - Aren't you concerned about your children reading this and finding this out? Information spreads and there's a good chance that someone might tease them about this.
I plan on telling them myself as early as possible. Not in so many details, of course. Jude and I believe in being open with children. My children are mature and intelligent beyond their years and we have a great, open relationship with them. In case they ever find themselves having similar feelings themselves, I want them to know right away that they need not jump to any conclusions. I want them to know they can feel totally comfortable coming to me because I'll understand. I want everything they hear about homosexuality to be compared first to what I've said and what God says and not what the world says. The world says that nothing is more natural than love. God says he wants us to be godly, not natural. (At least, that's my belief-- I understand if that's not yours.) I want to teach my children that feeling so much love or appreciation towards someone that you want to be sexual with them, is natural. It's not unfathomable. It's not hideous. It's something that has been done throughout history by all sorts of people and it seemed normal to those people. Still, it's not God's will.
Sharing some of my information with my children will only give our spiritual lessons to them more credibility. As for them reading my blog, they know they're not allowed and they don't have private access to computers. If they do read this before I'm ready for that, it's not the end of the world. At least they're not reading How To Make Love to A Man at age 10. *shudder* - Natasha, what does Jude think about you sharing all this?
Jude is one of the most awesome men on the planet. He is proud of me. He believes this will help people. He's read this post and said it's "an excellent cross between brilliant and awesome". He doesn't think about how this is going to affect HIM.
As I was praying Friday, I suddenly started sobbing and I realised how much pain I've been carrying around that I've been repressing. Imagine thinking, If so-and-so knew this about me, she would not like me... at all. Imagine thinking, If everyone knew this about me, that's all they would think about and they would apply their own false images and notions to this information... AND they would not like me... at all. Imagine feeling like you're carrying around a big secret, almost a lie, and if you opened your mouth, you'd find yourself left all alone, with no group to take you by the hand and say, "Hey, you're just like us."
It huuuuurrrts.
But this is what I do: I store hurt up for years and years, thinking I'm just so gosh darn healthy and strong, and then one day something happens to trigger it and I'm walloped with it. And then I go all dysfunctional for a while. Personally, I think it's quirky and adorable.
Basically, I can't keep talking to myself like that. I can't keep wondering if people I love would really love me as I am. I can't keep wondering if I'm really good enough. I want friendships that are close and true and not precariously hinged on trying to always display my very best, inoffensive qualities and opinions that are identical to my friends'.
This is one of my favourite quotes ever of all Ever:
"Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts or measure words, but pouring them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away." -George Eliot
It's my wish that this quote be engraved upon my heart as it is upon my mind and I hope that you will make that same wish.
I like this quote from our church leader, a man we believe to have been an apostle, Joseph B. Worthlin in the May 2008 issue of Ensign, our church magazine, page 18:
"Jesus Christ is our greatest example. He was surrounded by multitudes and spoke to the thousands, yet He always had concern for the one. ...Some are lost because they are different. They feel as though they don't belong. ...Tied to this misconception is the erroneous belief that all members of the Chruch should look, talk, and be alike. The Lord did not people the earth with a vibrant orchestra of personalities only to value the piccolos of the world. Every instrument is precious and adds to the complex beauty of the symphony. All of Heavenly Father's children are different in some degree, yet each has his own beautiful sound that adds depth and richness to the whole."
♥ I want other people who may be going through the same issues to feel like they're not alone. I can respect your need for privacy on this and I can listen to your story and validate you. ♥
If you're interested in reading more accounts of SSA Mormons, who are striving to honour their covenants they've made with God I recommend these blogs:
Keep Changing, A Gay Mormon Journal (I love this post. It makes my heart cry.)
(There are a lot more blogs out there similar to the above that I have not checked out. I know I said there aren't many but I meant relative to how many blogs exist. There are still "a lot" more than you might expect. )
Finally, I love this quote from Dallin H. Oaks (see yesterday's post for link-- I'm getting tired here):
"God has promised that he will consecrate our afflictions for our gain (see 2 Ne. 2:2). The efforts we expend in overcoming any inherited [or developed] weakness build a spiritual strength that will serve us throughout eternity. Thus, when Paul prayed thrice that his ‘thorn in the flesh’ would depart from him, the Lord replied, ‘My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.’ Obedient, Paul concluded:
‘Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
‘Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong’ (2 Cor. 12:9–10)."
Holy cannoli, that last part is so beautiful I feel like I just tried to eat it and it got stuck in my throat. And you know what's funny? It EXACTLY describes how I feel right now. It's perfect.
So, there you have it. There's a gigantic portion of my heart. Be gentle with it, will ya? Because I am nervous. I'm nervous that this post will be met with stunned silence by everyone but my non-Mormon friends who don't have any hang-ups about homosexuality acted out, never mind same-sex attraction not acted upon.
*sigh*
(My Note to Gay Non-Mormons Who Are Annoyed and Anyone Else Who Finds My Religious Beliefs Offensive
I completely understand your point of view, really. Since we're not likely to change each other's minds, let's agree to choose peace over war. Let's not leave me a bunch of miserable, critical comments on my blog post, okay? Because this is just TOO tender a subject for me to be able to handle that very well. Another post is fine! :-) And arguing will get us nowhere.)
I can't imagine that anyone could have any questions after this novella. But if any of my friends do, feel free to email or Facebook message me.
One last confession before I go: I actually like the smell of my lab dog when she's wet. Now THAT is weird. I've been dying to tell someone that.
