1. People show up at my house unannounced at the end of the day, when I'm tired and my house is messy. I may or may not be wearing a bra. Other women understand this worry; we don't want anyone other than our husbands to be that intimate with our nipples. My dog might be speaking Satanic at the cat. Lulu might be whining or crying. Someone might be complaining that Daisy bit him or her. And Jude probably isn't home yet to help me with any of this. (The kids and dog, not the bra-- I'm practised there.)
2. So, then I'm wondering, Do I invite these people into the aforementioned havoc? Or, do I stand here with the door open and freeze (not a good combo with the no bra scenario) and heat the great outdoors?
3. And if the caroling starts as soon as I open the door, is there even an opportunity to say "Come in, please."? Can I gesture it?
4. Once people are singing, I am left to just stand there like an idiot and watch them sing to me. I feel like I need to smile about it all, but not too much or that looks fake and feels awkward and hurts my face. I'm used to smiling only so much, you know? And I feel like I have to look at every caroler equally, not favouring any one. If they are men, I don't want the men to think by me looking at them too much that I have a crush on them. If they are women, I don't want them to think I'm into them either, or comparing myself to them, or whatever women think. So, I have to pan the crowd with my eyes regularly, smiling then not smiling in a natural way. THEN, when I'm looking at each individual person, do I watch their mouths or their eyes? I always feel awkward about this when I'm listening to someone talk to me for a length of time. Unless they're far away because then I can just look at their whole head.
5. I've very likely heard these songs before. And yet, it seems like it would be uncooth to sing along. Kind of crass, right? So, then I have to bite my tongue.
So, basically, you think you're doing me a favour but what you don't know is that:
- my nipples are cold.
- my heating bill just went up $104.
- my dog is going to lose her brain and grow horns if I don't remove the cat from her field of vision.
- my smile is wearing out and I might need it later for people I love more than you.
- I'm worried you'll think I fantasize about you.
- I'm worried that YOU are worried that I'm judging your teeth (after all, this is what people who've recently had braces notice) OR that I'm gazing into your eyes.
- I am worried that you'll be hurt if I don't pay you enough attention.
- I'm bored, let's be honest. Bing Crosby sings it better and even then, I use Christmas music as a backdrop. I don't sit there and stare at my iTunes as it sings me Christmas music.
- my tongue is bleeding. Not that there's any danger that I will outshine you if I join in, but it seems rude somehow.
So, while I know you think you have a pretty voice and you look so adorable with your rosy, frost-bitten cheeks, and you think you're lifting my spirits just admit it: You need an excuse to go singing and I'm the excuse, because you feel a little bit sheepish singing all fancy at home with your family listening in. Caroling makes YOU feel happy. You are not doing me any favours. I don't have hot chocolate sitting there just coincidentally waiting for company to come by (and I do make THE best hot chocolate ever in the entire universe and it will make you gain five pounds instantly). And I'm most certainly NOT going to tip you. If you're collecting money for some kind of charity, just tell me up front and I'll hand over the cash and count it money well spent.
So, when the young women from our church come over tonight to carol to me and I am supposed to tell them I'm not interested, because they're acting out some symbolic "no room at the inn" activity and don't even know it, trust me: I won't have any problems acting grumpy.
Daily Gratitudes
1. I re-discovered how productive I can be when I don't spend the whole day on the computer.
2. Our dog has been a little more low-key the past three days. She is now going "down" after jumping up on me, when I say it, even without a treat.
3. Jude is home to take care of me.
4. This sunrise from this morning. GA-GA.
5. I love the way my mantle looks. And my Christmas tree, with Baby's Breath inserted willy nilly.
(I wish I had an embroidery machine so I could put everyone's names on those stockings. And in case anyone is wondering if I made the stockings myself: AS IF. Remember yesterday's Christmas letter? It was a JOKE.)
