The World's Best Family Christmas Letter from The World's Best Family

Dearest Everyone Who Adores Us,

Well, it's that time of year again when you clamour for news of our hoorahs from the past 365 days of our lives.  And I didn't even send out a Christmas letter or any cards last year (or the year before, I think-- surely a choice and not a by-product of disorganization) so hold on to your oxygen masks-- your anticipation-induced ailments are about to be healed.

In November of 2006 we moved from the Great White North to Civilization.  It's AWESOME here-- running water, grass, and dog walkers everywhere-- a sure sign of goodly people.  Montana and Josie were enrolled in Real School, French immersion even, for the first time ever.  I cried tears of joy and relief for a few days.  The kids are taught Latin at recess and they're very happy.

Jude became the new Chief Awesome Guy in a city an hour away.  The secretaries have built a shrine in his honour and he was in the running for a Nobel Peace Prize again but they gave it to some other guy who did something apparently important. Whatever-- it didn't mean anything to us anyway.  Family is what's most important to us. 

He was commuting in our awesome never-fail-us Saturn sedan that had over 160,000 kms on it until some 18-year old punk drove maniacally into Jude with-- I know this will be hard to believe but would I lie to you?-- a TANK, injuring Jude's left thumb.  He didn't mention the thumb injury on his report because he's so forgiving, but I admit that I occasionally wish he had so we could get a settlement.  I'm sure that injury would be worth $100,000 at least.  It's a very nice thumb.  So, we bought him a new car with an actual CD player.

January of this year we finally moved into the house that I designed and built myself in my spare time.  Holy Hanna, am I EVER talented.  I didn't even hit my thumb with the hammer ONCE.  (Ya, I built it old school-- none of this power this and power that stuff.) Oprah is actually having me on her show next February to demonstrate my perfect chiseling technique.  Oh, did I mention?  All of our doors are hand chiseled by me from a solid chunk of redwood trees.  You know those gaudy tall ones?  Ya, those.  Boy, they looked so much better when I was done with them. God gave us trees for things like doors and pencils and bracelets, you know.

So then this year Daisy started kindergarten and Lulu started preschool and the schools want to skip them three grades.  I think it's because I feed them organic raw meals five times a day.  Their brains thrive on this kind of diet; you should try it.

Montana has been playing the stock market and has made a total of 3 million in profit for some friends of ours.  Nothing too impressive but word is starting to get around.  He finished school this year, shortly after he was baptised, and is considering some fellowship options from Oxford, the London School of Economics or the Sorbonne. All via correspondence, of course, as we don't even let our kids go on sleepovers much less live abroad before the age of at least eleven. 

Anyway, Josie is also healthy and well.  She blew out all seven candles on her birthday cake this year so she has no boyfriends.  Phewf.  Seven is too young to be scared off by your girlfriend's dad's hunting rifle. She is modeling for Gap on the weekends.  Normally, you have to live in a city and spend all day chasing after such opportunities but Gap was kind enough to come to us when I explained that I'm too busy with the NASA business.  Oh! I totally forgot to mention.  Jude bought me a telescope last Christmas and I discovered a new universe.  I don't know how all those professional astronomers missed it-- it was RIGHT THERE.  So, we're discussing how to get over there to check things out and I called dibs first so they have to run everything past me. (I'm totally riding that rocket shotgun.  Have to look out for those Obama-sponsored illegal aliens, you know.)

And you know how dramatic and funny Daisy is, right?  Well, we weren't sure we wanted to encourage a theatre habit because you know how wicked those people can be, but...  Andrew Lloyd Webber called and he's come out of retirement to write a new musical called Avita and the Phantom of the Amazing Technicolour Awesomeness.  Of course, he wants Daisy to star in it!  Sweet, huh?  Ya, we're stoked.

You'd think that after three years, I'd be aching for another baby by now.  But there's no possible way to top Lulu, as I've been saying since she was born.  With her curly blond hair, big blue eyes, puffy red lips, everyone says she looks like a cherub and I'll have you know, she acts like one, too.  Other kids might get into the peanut butter and throw it everywhere but not Lulu-- she gets up at 5 am every day to make us breakfast and dust the ceiling.  Her eggs Benedict with fresh hollandaise sauce are TO DIE FOR. 

More importantly, Lulu's Family Home Evening lessons are so profound.  I never knew a kid who had all of Jesus the Christ memorized like that.  Her baby blessing did sound like she'd be a General Relief Society President one day but, of course, that doesn't matter to us;  we'd love her the same if she was a mentally challenged Muslim terrorist.  

We did sort of add someone to our family, though:  a Golden Retriver/lab mix named Izzy.  So many people told me I was "crazy" for getting a puppy but she has been such a blessing that I know I can speak for Jude when I say that he considers it a privilege to let her out at 4am to pee.  (Of course, the lack of snow is probably a direct blessing from the Lord to us for paying our tithing.)   So far, Izzy knows how to sit, come, jump like a frog, pee on command, poop in heart shapes, chew a bone, jump up on everyone, go back down when I have a treat in my hand, shed, and sleep happily in her crate all night (from day one, I might add).  Now, that may not sound like much, but in the interest of full disclosure, I should confess that I have also taught her to load the dishwasher without scratching my nice art ceramic plates with her teeth and to do it in under 30 seconds.  We're trying to get her to get that under 20 seconds and then David Letterman is going to have us on.

Our goals for this year are:

Jude:

• Bench press the new car.
• Win the Betty Crocker pie bake off again.

Natasha:

• Lose two more pounds so I can get back down to 80 lbs.  Gosh, I'm so fat.  Sigh.
• Convince church members to never bring a Jello concoction to a church potluck again.  Would you serve Jello to the Queen of England?  I REST MY CASE.

The kids really don't need any further goals.  They are just so advanced already.

Izzy:

• Grow some adult teeth.
• Get ovaries removed.
• Learn to sing the National Anthem.  In Pig Latin.

Well, I know that doesn't catch you up and tell you everything you're dying to know but this has already taken me away from the laundry long enough. 

We're not always perfect, I have to say. But one thing I've learned over time is that you can't be too hard on yourself-- it's okay to settle for "awesome". 

Merry Christmas everyone and long live Sarah Palin.

Love,

Natasha.

Comments

[JJ]

OH! MY! GOODNESS!! Pee your pants funny!

[Momartfully]

LOL, very cute (whispers "underachiever")

[Is This Mike?]

I wonder what the underachiever Christmas letter would look like. Hmmm. To the blog cave, Batman.

[Is This Mike On?]

Hee!

[joeandjean]

Have you also noticed that the older the letter writers get the more it reads like a health journal?

Us? We blog. That's how we brag about our kids, volunteer efforts, accolades, etc.

Cheers.

[Claire]

I don't get it. What's true and what isn't?

I'm sooo literal... I just don't get it.
:(

[Natasha]

Claire: It's satire. You're right in that it's not meant to be true. But if I send out a Christmas letter, and I am really considering sending this, then I do want to actually share some news, so some parts are true. The believable parts are true:

We moved from up north to down here. My husband got a promotion and the secretaries love him. We had a Saturn sedan and he got hit by an 18-year old but not by a "TANK".
;-) He actually did hurt his thumb although that could have been a silly part of the satire.

Our kids started going to "real" school, as opposed to their previous homeschooling. They are in French Immersion.

We built a house that I helped design and we moved in, in January.

Daisy is in Kindergarten now and Lulu is in preschool.

We got a dog named Izzy. She doesn't poop hearts but she does everything else that came before washing dishes. :-)

Jude does make the occasional pie. I am actually about 130something lbs and I probably need to lose about 7lbs. I really do dislike Jello desserts.

That's about it as far as the truth.

The parts that are true, I figure either people who know us would know or figure out and if they don't (like Jude's thumb getting hurt or Izzy knowing how to pee on command) it doesn't reall matter. It's just meant to be funny.

[Katie T]

"Andrew Lloyd Webber called and he's come out of retirement to write a new musical called Avita and the Phantom of the Amazing Technicolour Awesomeness" HAHAH! just wait till my kids are older then we will see who is awesome-er!! Great job! very cute!!

[Sue]

Can I pay you to write our letter? I will supply you with the barest details about our lives and you come up with the rest.

Deal?

[Robert]

So when is Martha Stewart ceding her company to you, I wonder? Great post. Very funny.

[Katie K]

Maybe these things will be more true next year, a la The Law of Attraction. I could totally see you being on Oprah in February (or some February of some year).

Great letter! You are so good at satire.

[Sara]

I like jello. And it's concoctions.

[James]

I'm sending a similar letter out to everyone. It's much shorter, but I'm succinct like that, here it is for your enjoyment.

Salutations All,

My family is better than yours, you should be ashamed at your pathetic attempts at life and growth.

Be Christlike(you losers)
James, Deidrean, and Sheridan

[Susan]

rotfl!
this had me laughing so loud other people had to come around and see what was so funny.
Did I send you our Christmas letter last year? Did you take inspiration from it? tee hee

[Natasha]

Susan, I think you may have but I don't remember anything about it. I got inspiration from Rusty's comment over here at Mike's blog: http://www.democratherald.com/dhblogs/mike_henneke/?p=626

James: Funny. My favourite part was actually "Salutations". Very Charlotte of you.

[Memarie Lane]

you forgot to mention the pope's decision to canonize you despite the fact that you're (a) the wrong religion and (b) still alive.

[Anna]

This is hilarious.

I bow down to you. You should be writing a humor column.

Not that I am anymore, so I guess there's room for you.

Now if I do something like this I'll just be a copycat.

Dang! I wish I'd thought of it.