Becoming Something: Twitter quips from me and other people funnier than me.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Twitter quips from me and other people funnier than me.

I'm sooooooo tired of talking about serious stuff at home, on my blog, blah, blah, blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh.

Ah. Better.

I thought it would be fun to share some 1-2 liners from Twitter. Twitter allows you to favourite your favourite "tweets" and here are some of mine from me (I know, how vain is that?) and other people.

Akula This could have ended badly. I went for the nose drops but grabbed the Gorilla Glue. 1 minute ago

erinannie I'm thinking it wouldn't be wise to take a sleeping pill after starting a cleanse for the first time tonight. 11:06 PM Nov 12th

tomjohnson I feel so much better when I get a good night's rest. You'd think I'd have a system completely down for this. 10:18 AM Nov 7th

Akula Seriously, why the hell is my coworker shredding stuff going on 20 minutes? We must have hired him from Enron. 4:04 PM Nov 5th

In response: ihenpecked @Akula Perhaps Palin wardrobe contributions he doesn't want anybody to know about 4:06 PM Nov 5th

Southwick If McCain had won California, New York and Indiana, he would've won the election. And if my grandmother had wheels, she'd be a wagon. 1:37 PM Nov 5th

ihenpecked I just voted for the next president of the U.S. It feels kind of weird voting for Tina Fey. 12:33 AM Nov 4th

sahans My husband is playing cleavage basketball with olives. Not sure how I like olives all up in my lady lumps... 7:32 PM Oct 30th

TeamMombo I have 200 emails from the Obama campaign asking me to donate $5 or $10. Why don't they just send me one email that says "Donate $2,000" 5:08 PM Oct 30th

Akula @SomethingGirl My friend has a $8 rule at Taco Bell. If the order is over 8 bucks it will be wrong everytime. 9:14 PM Oct 16th

13x13 Amusing: Man with Livestrong bracelet, smoking cigarettes outside the building 10:10 AM Oct
13th

Akula With Google stock down 60% many employees will have to work into their late 20's before they retire. 4:12 AM Oct 11th

dooce Me: "Jon, the money tree plant I bought at Ikea is dying." Jon: "You sure it's not an economy tree plant?" 8:31 AM Oct 1st

Whim someone searched for "lazy stay-at-home mom" and ended up on my blog. Not sure what to think about that. 12:03 AM Oct 1st

ev "I feel like, if you're wearing your Wii pants, we're not going out." 11:56 PM Aug 16th

Maggie Bryan just said,"Bronze is for Canadians." I smacked him for you, Canada. You're welcome. 9:01 PM Jul 23rd

blurb BlogHim: "Learning how to work bitterness and anger like a woman." 2:21 PM Jul 23rd

Natasha (SomethingGirl)'s Tweets:

FLUMMOXED, I am. My five year old just said, "Mommy, I want a real cell phone of my own." > I < DON'T EVEN OWN A CELL PHONE. about 7 hours ago

Jude said, "I think I fell asleep in high priests' today." Me: "If you THINK you did, I assure you that you're right." 9:28 PM Nov 16th

Husband bought me half fat Dulce de Leche Haagen-Daz. To top off the milkshake and fries with cheese and gravy I had earlier. My 8-year old said they're just trying to fatten me in time for the Christmas table. Smart joke for a kid! 4:02 PM Nov 14th

Josie just asked, "What's that smell?" THAT would be the dog, destroying the ozone one fart a time. 7:07 PM Nov 8th

Every Wunderbar I find in my kids' treat bags makes me feel just a little more vibrant life coursing through my veins. 12:56 PM Nov 6th

5-year old is trying to ply me with a Halloween Tic-Tac-Toe game. Kid, I will whoop your tiny heiny every time. 6:53 AM Nov 3rd

You absolutely can't learn anything about science from watching Bugs Bunny. He doesn't even poop out those carrots. 4:45 PM Nov 2nd

I hate it when people don't check their email every 40 seconds to 2 minutes like I do. 11:06 PM Oct 31st

Jude said of a criminal: You know, if your middle name is "Adolf", the presumption of innocence has been rebutted. 9:05 PM Oct 27th

How do I explain to this skinny 3-year old that her sitting on me ALL THE TIME interferes with my living? 9:29 AM Oct 24th

Canadian Imperial Bank of Commerce: I want to saturate your food with Ex-lax everyday for a month. . 10:26 AM Oct 22nd

Observation at 4-way stop: Men don't like being told by a woman that, actually? it's THEIR turn to go. 9:19 AM Oct 20th

7-year old just said, "I wish my initials were MC." "Why?" "So people could call me McDonald's." ??? 10:20 PM Oct 17th

Finally got around to paying speeding tickets. Mine AND my husband's. No one can say we're not a team. 7:28 PM Oct 13th

It's REALLY windy here. And no, I'm not referring to that bean salad I had for lunch. 9:19 PM Oct 7th

Cockroaches communicate through their feces. Why can't I be so talented? 7:20 PM Sep 29th

Went to wipe Lulu's bum and pee dripped on my hand. Was a bit grossed out. But then my earring dropped into the toilet. Perspective changed. 02:13 PM September 25, 2008

Old ladies wear pantsuits. That's just the circle of life. 9:48 PM Sep 21st

Poor Nutcracker Barbie. Her legs are so freakishly long. She must feel so self-conscious. 8:59 AM Sep 19th

Can anyone advise me on how to draw a "mangolet" for my 2-year old? Oh, never mind-- vague croissant seems to be exactly what she wanted. 9:03 PM Sep 16th

7-year old looking at old photos of us: "Mommy, why do you have that white makeup on your face?" Uh, that's just my FACE. 8:09 PM Sep 9th

These allergies are giving me the sensuous pleasure of sneezing 23 times a day. YOU ARE SO JEALOUS. 3:28 PM Sep 3rd

Too tired to think of any daily gratitudes.

Posted at 11:29 PM in Humour | Permalink

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Comments

I'm sooooooo tired of talking about serious stuff at home, on my blog, blah, blah, blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh.

Ah. Better.

Akula This could have ended badly. I went for the nose drops but grabbed the Gorilla Glue. 1 minute ago

Went to wipe Lulu's bum and pee dripped on my hand. Was a bit grossed out. But then my earring dropped into the toilet. Perspective changed. 02:13 PM September 25, 2008

Happying Up The Internet

Don't you think the internet could benefit a little looking on the bright side? Wouldn't you feel more justified in using your blog to vent if you followed it up with a bunch of happy things, you know, so everyone knows that you ARE capable of good humour and oh, sanity? DAILY GRATITUDES. Join the movement and be added to my blogroll above. See the button in the navigation bar? Go click on it to read more about why you should add these to your daily blog posts, and see who's already started.

Things I Want to Do Before I'm Dead/Crazy

1. Learn to play the freakin' guitar already.
2. ~~Taste black truffles.~~
3. Meet Oprah and thank her.
4. Go white water rafting again. Maybe a girlfriend getaway.
5. Visit New York City for two weeks.
6. Build a self-sustaining healthy house on a plot of land large enough to have a big, gorgeous dog that never poops close to home, some sheep, a big garden, and fruit trees but close enough to other people that if someone came to murder us, there would be people to hear the gunshots. Yes, I think of these things. Often.
7. Publish a work of mostly fiction. Change the names and details of people I know such that they really have no idea I'm writing about them, the fools.
8. Go to art school.
9. Own a log cabin on a lake where you're allowed to shoot people if they seadoo. Because that's two sports in one: Cottaging and Target Practice. Equally stress relieving, I'd imagine.
10. Compost with worms.
11. Finish knitting Montana's baby blanket.
12. Travel Europe and Russia with Jude.
13. Throw a neighborhood carnival block party, raising money for a family in need or other worthy cause.
14. Somehow make international adoption easier. Get airlines to give free airfare to people who are picking up their international adoptive children.
15. Learn pottery.
16. Maybe do a mini-marathon. Note the hesitation.
17. Get nearly all my body hair lasered off. Celebrate with a naked stroll in a park. (Yes, that's a joke but I shouldn't have to say so.)
18. Learn to really sing.
19. Go scuba diving somewhere really colourful and take photos. And live to develop them.
20. Go horseback riding again.
21. Make pesto from scratch.
22. Make a stuffed salmon encased in pastry that's cut to look like a salmon.
23. Learn to really, properly swim and be able to do more than one lap before envying death.
24. Have an all-girlfriend canoeing-camping trip with someone who can play guitar. Woman with the longest leg hair the next day doesn't have to paddle back.
25. Memorize all the best Scrabble words and tactics.
26. Send my boy on a mission abroad and have him come home a man, in one piece.
27. Lead some kind of teen counseling sessions-- maybe for sexually abused girls? Or maybe something like those big group things they do in high school gyms in the States? Katie knows what I mean.
28. Develop all my online photos with journaling comments before Facebook experiences a server failure or some equally horrific turn of events.
29. Live in Venice, Italy for a few months.
30. Grow peonies.
31. Learn to can my own fruits and veggies and then actually do it.
32. ~~Visit Vancouver.~~
33. Visit the Salt Lake Temple.
34. Roll down grassy green hills in Ireland. Leave before I fall in love with some rogueish Irishman with THAT ACCENT! See how thoughtful I am, Jude?
35. Catch some fireflies again. Then let them go.
36. Catch some frogs. Then let them go.
37. ~~Get my braces off. Celebrate by rubbing bread and carrots and salmon all over my teeth and then making out with Jude.~~
38. Get into really fantastic shape. Feel strong and healthy.
39. Become buddies with Julia Roberts and Sydney Bristow-- I mean Jennifer Garner. We would totally mesh.
40. Replace my husband's suits and successfully condition him to enjoy ironing his clothes and enjoy piecing together stylish outfits.
41. Write a song and sing it/play it for Jude.
42. Be in the chorus of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat.
43. Finish reading War and Peace by Tolstoy.
44. Read The Pickwick Papers by Charles Dickens.
45. Invent something awesome and sell it like crazy from a website I've made from scratch so that Jude can start a gym.
46. Have a house of mine appear in Canadian House & Home Magazine.
47. See a ghost or an angel. Anyone from another realm will do.
48. See Prairie Home Companion live.
49. See Jack Johnson play from the front row someplace intimate.
50. See Cathy achieve her dreams, however that happens.
51. Be so rich that I can give away money and help all the time to people who both need it and deserve it. Teach a man to fish and all that.
52. Buy a much nicer camera.
53. Teach kids sex education. I thought it would be awful and embarrassing but it turns out I'm really good at not feeling awkward.
54. See Les Miserables live.
55. Learn Photoshop.
56. Get this house finished.
57. ~~Enjoy grass and tree ownership again.~~
58. Visit the Great Wall of China and leave my name on it somewhere.
59. Become fluent in French.
60. Learn basic Italian.
61. Become fluent in sign language.
62. Become a pretty good chess player.
63. Memorize more jokes.
64. Remember history studied and study more.
65. Become more charitable in my heart.
66. Have an Etsy store.
67. Visit London, bump into Jude Law and have him quickly fall in love with me then turn him away because I'm married and Mormon enough to care that I'm married, which will only make him love me all the more, of course.
68. Design my own house blueprints.
69. ~~Teach Daisy to read and watch her silently devour books.~~
70. Be in a musical/play with Daisy.
71. Take a hot air balloon ride only for a mile and only about 100 feet in the air because that's just crazy to risk your life like that.
72. Never visit Disneyland or Disneyworld. Ha!
73. Make healthy cookies I actually love. For my grandkids.
74. Learn how to breakdance. Or at least do that move where you support your body just on your hands tucked under your belly? That move.
75. Hold a hand stand for at least five seconds.
78. Do a backflip. With a belt on. Tied to the ceiling.
79. Hear James Taylor play live.
80. Become friends with Rosie O'Donnell.
81. Be able to roll in a kayak.
82. Adopt some older children when my kids are older or be a foster parent.
83. Have some of my poetry published. Under a different name.
84. Get Heather Armstrong to reply to one of my emails again.
85. Have a butler's pantry right off my kitchen and have it extremely organized at all times.
86. Have all my children sleep in great beds deserving of their perfect little bodies. Not the cheap, crappy beds they sleep in.
87. Raise my children to be nonjudgmental, kind, good, humble, open-minded but critical thinkers. And happy.
88. See Jude write his book. Have it published.
89. Swim in an Italian grotto.
90. Host a dinner under a large canopy-like tree, with candle lanterns.
91. Be able to do one pull-up.
92. Meet Thomas S. Monson.
93. See my sister happy and well-off in B.C. 94. Meet my all of my virtual friends.
95. Teach my girls hand clapping games.
96. Sleep in a hammock in Hawaii with mellow island beat music playing and with the waves splashing in the background.
97. Go seashell hunting near the Bay of Fundy.
98. Take a cottage vacation alone where I can read, and paint, and write and sleep for 13 hours straight the way my body has longed to but been unable to since I was a teenager.
99. Be mortgage and debt-free.
100. Get Lasik eye surgery.
101. Hire a housecleaner and have her over twice a week FOREVER.
102. Since my house will be so clean: Have fresh flowers year-round.
105. Get my 4-year Bachelor of Arts degree majoring in English and minoring in History.
106. Learn how to swim properly and really well.

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