Becoming Something

A book Jude and I want to share with you.

Me:  Brenda gave you that book?  Is she your quadriplegic roommate?

Jude:  No. Brenda is Sheila's niece and she was interested in me.

Me:  Oh, right.  So, what about Charlie's Monument makes you cry?

Jude:  I don't know.  I guess it's compassion, and sorrow over someone else's pain.   I was touched by his determination in just toughing it out.  In a situation where most people would simply ask themselves a question to the effect of, "Why this suffering and torture with no end in sight?" he developed a love for people that came from his trust in God.

Me:  I loved what Nellie said about his monument, how each stone symbolized him adding to his character.  Some stones represented forgiveness; some compassion; some, later, true love.  Thank you for giving this to Montana to read this morning.  What is incredible is how this story came about.  I thought it was just a touching tale pulled from someone's imagination.  But to read about how the author just started telling it, as if pulling a rabbit from a hat, to his youth religion class one morning, then later finding out that it was the story of his grandfather...   And the details of his grandfather's life being unknown to his father and himself until after Charlie's Monument was published....  The feeling that I had as I read this story behind the story was...  profound.  I know that what he said is true-- that this story came to him through inspiration.

Readers, I encourage you to try to find a copy of Charlie's Monument by Blaine M. Yorgason, published by Bookcraft most recently in 1980, ISBN 0-88494-389-5.  It is short and it's an ideal gift for a child or even an adult who struggles with being different in any way that is painful.

Jude and I just silently read it together, on our sofa, without really intending to.  Both of us were crying during and afterward and I need to point out that Jude almost NEVER cries.  He eats nails for breakfast and sleeps on a bed of broken glass.  (He is only just learning how to cry and I think it's wonderful.)

Our son read Charlie's Monument this morning and described it as the most powerful book he's ever read (and he's been reading novels since he was 3-- no joke).  Tonight in his prayer, he thanked the Lord for a father who understands him and who gives him great things to read to help him.

I hope you're able to find it and enjoy it.

Daily Gratitudes

1. My ability to see.  Makes reading a whole lot easier.  Braille is a wee bit intimidating.
2. The pumpkin and cheese stuffed ravioli we had last night with fresh butter and freshly grated parmesan.  It was so good I almost cried.  Thank you, Jude, for buying it.
3. All the beautiful Christmas ornaments I've collected over the years.
4. My 3-year old's perfect delightfulness.
5. Sleep, dear sleep.

Natasha has never...

...watched Star Wars.  Tried to watch it on tv, first night of our honeymoon in a Banff chalet while playing cards but I couldn't get into the horrible special effects and sci-fi-ness of it.  Plus, if I was too tired to be excited about more traditional honeymoon-like stuff, I was probably too tired to be excited about Star Wars.

...eaten chili.  I had a sort of almost vegetarian chili once. I think it was just tomato sauce and beans with some spices, on rice.  Not real chili.

...made out with a woman.  In case you were wondering.

...broken a bone.  I did crack my middle finger once when a window came crashing down upon it, like a guillotine.  Jude said it was karmic payback from saying to him jokingly earlier in the day, "If I wasn't Mormon, I would flip you the bird right now."  And the reason I said that was because he was talking to a man at the door who was selling calenders for the Rotary Club and the calenders would be personalized with our birthdays and Jude couldn't remember mine.  Even though we'd known each other for a hundred years. He knows the MONTH.

...been able to whistle.  Not really.

...used a Mac.

...sent a text message. I don't know how. I don't have a cell phone. Had one once and never used it.

...made a pie.  I make things I like and I don't like pie much.  The crust is just dry and flavourless and the flakier it is the MESSIER it is.  It's not really sweet or salty.  I don't understand the appeal.  If I ever do make one, I will make the most ambitious pie ever.  With 3D detailing that makes it look like Jude's face and when you cut into it, it will laugh at its own jokes with this funny little "Mmmm?" sound that is impossible to duplicate when trying to.

...swam in the ocean.

...been to a music concert.  Not even NKOTB.  :-(

...made a Jello salad.  World, you are welcome.

...seen a handgun in person.

...been dumped.

...watched Spongebob. 

...desired to watch Spongebob.

..."faked it".

...had a blood transfusion.

...finished a quilt.

...had fake nails.

...water skied.  I have TRIED though, but not for long.

...skied down a hill larger than a "bunny".   I've always been terrified of skiing but I'd be willing to try it again.  In Whistler.  Hint, hint.

...thought the Macarena was cool.

...been on television, that I know of.

...enjoyed a Shepherd's Pie.

...burped.  EVER.

(Two of these are lies.  Yes, you may guess which ones.)

Instruction Book for Jude in The Event of My Death

Dearest Jude,

I might die one day.  No, that's not meant to be a joke-- it IS still yet to be determined.  I could be translated right up into the sky like the entire city of Enoch; it may not be a likely scenario but don't write me off just yet, huh?  Also, Christ might come in a couple of years and kick off the super-cool Millenium.  OR... science could get really kicky soon and offer some cell refurbishing-- get rid of my drooping eyelids, furrow wrinkles, grow my hair back, and pretty up my liver.  It's not outside the realm of possibilities.

BUT.  If I do die, there are a few things I want you to know.

1. You have to get married again.  While I'd like you to marry Sara because she'd make you laugh and would be a great mother, and she's so warm and forgiving of people's foibles, she deserves someone who isn't hung up on his dead wife.  She will be too good for you in that respect.  So, you should find a nice widow on LDSsingles.com.  No, that's not weird.  It's reaching into a larger pool of fish.  Sure, you could go to the pet store and pick out a fish, or you could go to the ocean.  You're more likely to find someone better than me at the ocean than the pet store.  You also have my permission to find someone even younger than me.  A few years ago that would have broken some laws, I think, but now I'm getting to a respectable age, it just might work.
   
2. You have to learn how to do pony tails, okay?  Braiding you can get away with not learning but ponytails are a must. And learn to use that hair straightener on Josie's thick hair.  When children look unkempt, they are not treated as well by teachers and other adults as children who look more tidy.  Unfair, but true.
   
3. You have to water the plants on the kitchen island or they'll die.  I know that doesn't seem fair to give you more lives to maintain, but I can't water them from where I am.  I'm kinda busy becoming awesome.  Seriously, start watering the plants now and then, okay?
   
4. You have my permission to tweet for me on Twitter so I can beat death.  Nothing says addiction like Twittering from your grave. 
   
5. The best gifts can be found on Etsy and I'd prefer it if you'd support budding artists and artisans and stay at home moms over big box department stores.  Keep that in mind when picking gifts for the kids. Especially the girls. My favourites area has a bunch of great stuff.
   
6. Please don't let my girls become catty, jealous types.  Please emphasize kindness and intelligence over looks when you compliment them.  But know that they're going to probably fight over clothes.  When I figure out the answer to that, I'll stop by for a visit.  I'll be the translucent one.
   
7. Make sure the girls read Little Women before they leave the house for university.  The Penguin copy with all my highlighting.  The one you bought me when I was 17ish.
   
8. As if I care what kind of casket I'm in.  No matter what you put me in, my complexion will look terrible against the backdrop.  Save the money for LDSsingles.com.
   
9. I'm sorry about the giant photo mess on our computers.  I haven't developed photos in years, nor have I categorized them.  I really was terrible at that, huh?  But instead of being annoyed, remember:  I took all those photos. You did not.  Without me, there wouldn't even BE any photos, or kids to take photos of, or fantastic birthday parties decorating those photos.
   
10. You have to press *82 and then *98 to get to our phone messages.  The *82 is what we press to make our private number show up on call display.  Follow the prompts from there.

I'm sure I will continue this list as the months and years go on.  How practical am I??

Love, 'Tasha.

Daily Gratitudes

1. Dancing with Jude this morning to Wondering Where the Lions Are, in the kitchen, as it came on CBC Radio 2. Why were we listening to newsy Radio 1 all these years?  Music is a much better way to start the day than news about the American economy and another homicide in Alberta.
2. My kids have good manners.  I think.  I'm pretty sure.
3. My planter's fasciatis in my foot is better.  Might get the missionaries to walk the dog tomorrow.
4. Sleeeeeeeeeeeeep.  In my cooozy bed.
5. My Twitter friends.  They're fun.  xo, Twitter Friends!

31 Reasons to smile and 29 reasons to be annoyed.

Reasons to smile:

1. A knock on your door that brings a beautiful tin of chocolate and caramel covered popcorn you didn't know your husband bought.
2. A husband who buys anything sold by a kid at our door.  Crap, now our secret is out.
3. Rain on a tin roof.
4. Unexpected warm weather in November, after hearing from someone that Farmer's Almanac predicted a very cold long winter. Unless winter goes into July, I'm thinking, not so much "long".
5. Blog comments.
6. That reflex sucking thing that babies do in their sleep.
7. These slippers in rainbow.  Totally want a new pair for Christmas since I accidentally wrecked mine. I wear a 7. I'm just saying.
8. Friendly cashiers who aren't afraid to be human instead of robotron.
9. Baby's Breath throughout a decorated Christmas tree. Trust me-- it looks very beautiful in a Victorian way.
10. Forgiveness and unconditional love.
11. Discovering a new song you want to listen to 30 times straight.
12. Jude Law phoning you to invite you to dinner because he finds you irresistible.   Hey, it could happen. 
13. The sweet, tiny, slim body of a 3-year old, all curled up in sleep.
14. Buying the latest issue of House and Home magazine and realizing that a bathroom in there greatly resembles your own and even has the same cabinet pulls from Restoration Hardware, same size, too.  And the same Asbury hardware from RH.  COOL.
15. A perfectly poached round, slightly runny egg.
16. Modern day plumbing and toilet paper.  Think of the alternatives.
17. Glancing at the clock on my computer and having it say 11:11 or 12:12.  That happens to me a lot.
18. Soft puppy ears.
19. People who can whistle. (I cannot.)
20. Volkswagen and Apple commercials.  
21. Knowing your husband's smiles and being able to say, "That one with the dimples, that's all bashful and boyishly cute is #2."
22. Micro black felt tip pens.  Or rollerball if necessary.
23. People who still send out cards and use nice stamps instead of generic ones.
24. When children say they're ready to go to bed at 7:30.
25. When my husband doesn't shave for a day or two.  (Or three. Haven't been able to convince him past day three, though.)
26. Chocolate.  Evidence of God.
27. Harbours with boats docked. 
28. The first fish a child catches.
29. Cesar salad with REAL bacon and homemade croutons and homemade dressing.
30. Farmer's markets.
31. Children's literature with beautiful artwork and stories you actually don't hate reading over and over.

Reasons to be annoyed:

1. When someone answers a YES/NO question by asking another question.
2. Cheap, ugly buildings when we must have technology to make beautiful architecture easier and more affordable to make than back when people made it all by hand.
3. That fake way that journalists speak, ENUNCIATING every OTHER word WITH...  dramatic pauses.
4. Reality tv and the overuse of the word "amazing". It should be a requirement that all reality show guests carry a thesaurus.  Seriously.  Not EVERY person is "amazing" and certainly not by virtue of being blond and 23 with a cute giggle.
5. The overuse of the word "seriously".
6. Getting my fast food order wrong EVERY... SINGLE... TIME. 
7. People who murder someone and then burn the body so the cause of death is unknown.
8. Stupid drunk drivers surviving the accidents they create, while everyone else in the oncoming vehicle dies.
9. Tweaking a product in a barely noticeable way and then expecting me to watch a commercial about it.
10. Half naked people everywhere at the summer fair.  Many of them who don't even look good that way.
11. Commercials that call some perfume chemical laden piece of trash a "room freshener", like I'm too stupid to know that some of 400 chemicals that are banned in Europe don't "freshen" a room.  I have over twelve room fresheners in my house. They're called WINDOWS.
12. When people act like they're experts on everything and offer their advice before asking questions to understand the situation on which they're giving advice.
13. When people wait for you to stop talking just so they can say their bit, without even acknowledging what you said.
14. Getting sick on Friday and better by Monday.
15. Not being born with red hair.
16. Calling me by a nick name I didn't give you permission to use.
17. Every time you go to look at an ingredients list on a package, you ALWAYS turn to the French part first.
18. Getting up at 4am to let the dog out to pee.
19. People thinking I don't have the right to tell them how permissive they can't be with my dog.
20. When people think that smoking is a right and therefore their second hand or third hand smoke is my cross to bear for them.  If you're allowed to breath noxious chemicals into my throat and lungs, causing me pain and making me stink, I think I should be allowed to punch you in the gut.  Hey, it doesn't cause cancer.
21. Over commercialized nothingness:  "All new!"  "Revolutionary!"  Toothpaste is not all new. It's been around for a loooong time.  Revolutionary?  Like, how revolutionary?  French revolutionary?  American revolutionary?  No?  Then shut up or get a thesaurus.
22. When food is brought to me in such a way that each bite is not equally delicious.  Example: toast that doesn't have jam evenly spread;  pizza with just a few rounds of cheese.
23. Spam followers on Twitter.  People following you because you're one of the thousands they've added to their follow list just so you can see their website link.
24. Late charges costing more than the rental.
25. Having to pay for a library card at all. That's just wrong, Alberta.
26. When people bring a bunch of Jello and weird concoctions to a church potluck and put it on the "salad" table.
27. When my dog puts her paws on my keyboard. 
28. The gobs of wasteful packaging,including countless wires, that goes into displaying Barbies and other relatively mindless toys.  The cuts I get on my hands trying to open that awful packaging.
29. Carefully collecting your recycling for two weeks, putting three boxes out for collection and having 90 km winds start up and throw it and the boxes everywhere.  Boxes still missing.  Guess Mother Nature doesn't want to be saved.

(I know. The second list is put out with more gusto than the first.  I'm tired.  Very tired.  Tired generally=moody.)

Et tu? (And you?) What are your reasons to smile or be annoyed?

Asking for ideas for Christmas traditions and home made gifts.

This Christmas we will stay at home.  Our in-laws, strangely, want to be left alone and that's fine by me-- for years I've been anxious to start our own Christmas traditions.

But it's looming up too quickly for my tastes.  I am distracted by new dog owning and feeling tired and I'm feeling indignant that the world can't stop for me. 

And then ten days after Christmas is Montana's 9th birthday.  SIGH.

I suppose I'm excited to put up our Hammacher Schlemmer prelit gorgeous fake tree.  (Didn't think I'd ever do the fake tree thing but this one is really nice and it was molded from a real tree.)  The only thing I really collect are Christmas ornaments.  I hate matchy-matchy anything, especially trees. So, I have a variety of ornaments, some Christopher Radko glass, some made from nature, some made by the kids, some I've had since I was a baby.  And it looks beautiful that way... meaningful.

It really bothers me that we have no Christmas traditions in our family, yet. (Actually, I just thought of ONE:  Our local church puts on a very well done nativity reenactment outside complete with animals and reading from Luke and the singing of Christmas songs.  I'll try to record it this year and put it on my blog.) I'm also bothered by the excessive commercialism of the season.  I'm getting really weary of commercialism in general, particularly all the websites and blogs and email newsletters that revolve around nothing more than telling people to BUY THIS! BUY THIS!  I've reached my limit.  I'm done. 

I read an article in Wondertime magazine about a mom who was also "done".  She and her family experimented on a Christmas without any purchased gifts.  Brilliant, I say.  One idea she had was to allow her son to be the boss of her for the day.  The best gifts are always homemade or experiences. 

So, I ask you:

1.  What are some Christmas traditions your family practices or would like to practice?
2.  What are some meaningful gift ideas?

Some homemade gifts I've given in the past:

• homemade books, cut from card stock and bound, with favourite quotes inside or lists of reasons to smile
• I interviewed people who love Jude and asked them what they loved about him and made a handmade quote book for him.
• a day-by-day calendar titled 365 Reasons Why I Love Jude, with hand cut, handwritten pages and yes, 365 different reasons.  Which were REALLY hard to think of;  no matter how much you love someone, you don't love them for 365 different, unique reasons-- TRUST ME.
• painted picture
• handknit hat and scarf
• an iPod for Jude with a playlist category of songs sung for him by the kids with words I changed around to show love for him, a love letter read by me, and songs that he likes that I transferred from cassette to mp3.

I would love to hear your ideas for making Christmas low stress and meaningful.

Daily Gratitudes

1. Cheesecake.
2. Opportunities to meet and talk to strangers and hear their stories.  I had a lot of fun doing that recently.
3. WiFi.
4. Beautiful old architecture.
5. Sushi and 20-something-year-old boys who give me their sushi to finish.

Fun questions for you. Yes, you.

I know.  Some of the response possibilities on this poll are a little weird.  But there's a reason for that.

Online Surveys & Market Research

Now these questions for you:

1. Would you be willing to have horrible nightmares every night for a year if it meant you'd be rewarded with 20 million dollars?
2. After a medical test you are told you have a rare form of cancer and will die within a few months.  One week later, your doctor calls to say your results were switched with someone else's.  During that week, you gained some life-changing insights about life and about yourself.  Would these insights be worth the pain you and your family would have felt during that week?
3. Does the fact that you have never done something before increase or decrease your desire to do it?

:-D

Daily Gratitudes

1. As annoying as it can be, I like having a dog.
2. Lulu, swinging in a baby swing at the playground with a big poofy pink playdress over her clothes sticking out over the swing, my coat on her and covering her hands that are grasping the chains and a big orange marker splotch on her forehead.
3. No asthma or breathing problems.
4. President's Choice microwave lunches. So good and healthy and cheap.
5. A warm home.

Twitter quips from me and other people funnier than me.

I'm sooooooo tired of talking about serious stuff at home, on my blog, blah, blah, blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh.

Ah. Better.

I thought it would be fun to share some 1-2 liners from Twitter.  Twitter allows you to favourite your favourite "tweets" and here are some of mine from me (I know, how vain is that?) and other people.

Akula This could have ended badly. I went for the nose drops but grabbed the Gorilla Glue. 1 minute ago

erinannie I'm thinking it wouldn't be wise to take a sleeping pill after starting a cleanse for the first time tonight. 11:06 PM Nov 12th

tomjohnson I feel so much better when I get a good night's rest. You'd think I'd have a system completely down for this. 10:18 AM Nov 7th

Akula Seriously, why the hell is my coworker shredding stuff going on 20 minutes? We must have hired him from Enron. 4:04 PM Nov 5th

In response: ihenpecked @Akula Perhaps Palin wardrobe contributions he doesn't want anybody to know about 4:06 PM Nov 5th

Southwick If McCain had won California, New York and Indiana, he would've won the election. And if my grandmother had wheels, she'd be a wagon. 1:37 PM Nov 5th

ihenpecked I just voted for the next president of the U.S. It feels kind of weird voting for Tina Fey. 12:33 AM Nov 4th

sahans My husband is playing cleavage basketball with olives. Not sure how I like olives all up in my lady lumps... 7:32 PM Oct 30th

TeamMombo I have 200 emails from the Obama campaign asking me to donate $5 or $10. Why don't they just send me one email that says "Donate $2,000" 5:08 PM Oct 30th

Akula @SomethingGirl My friend has a $8 rule at Taco Bell. If the order is over 8 bucks it will be wrong everytime. 9:14 PM Oct 16th

13x13 Amusing:  Man with Livestrong bracelet, smoking cigarettes outside the building 10:10 AM Oct
13th

Akula With Google stock down 60% many employees will have to work into their late 20's before they retire. 4:12 AM Oct 11th

dooce Me: "Jon, the money tree plant I bought at Ikea is dying." Jon: "You sure it's not an economy tree plant?" 8:31 AM Oct 1st

Whim someone searched for "lazy stay-at-home mom" and ended up on my blog. Not sure what to think about that. 12:03 AM Oct 1st

ev "I feel like, if you're wearing your Wii pants, we're not going out." 11:56 PM Aug 16th

Maggie Bryan just said,"Bronze is for Canadians." I smacked him for you, Canada. You're welcome. 9:01 PM Jul 23rd

blurb BlogHim: "Learning how to work bitterness and anger like a woman." 2:21 PM Jul 23rd

Natasha (SomethingGirl)'s Tweets:

FLUMMOXED, I am. My five year old just said, "Mommy, I want a real cell phone of my own." > I < DON'T EVEN OWN A CELL PHONE. about 7 hours ago

Jude said, "I think I fell asleep in high priests' today." Me: "If you THINK you did, I assure you that you're right." 9:28 PM Nov 16th

Husband bought me half fat Dulce de Leche Haagen-Daz. To top off the milkshake and fries with cheese and gravy I had earlier. My 8-year old said they're just trying to fatten me in time for the Christmas table. Smart joke for a kid! 4:02 PM Nov 14th

Josie just asked, "What's that smell?" THAT would be the dog, destroying the ozone one fart a time. 7:07 PM Nov 8th

Every Wunderbar I find in my kids' treat bags makes me feel just a little more vibrant life coursing through my veins. 12:56 PM Nov 6th

5-year old is trying to ply me with a Halloween Tic-Tac-Toe game. Kid, I will whoop your tiny heiny every time. 6:53 AM Nov 3rd

You absolutely can't learn anything about science from watching Bugs Bunny. He doesn't even poop out those carrots. 4:45 PM Nov 2nd

I hate it when people don't check their email every 40 seconds to 2 minutes like I do.  11:06 PM Oct 31st

Jude said of a criminal: You know, if your middle name is "Adolf", the presumption of innocence has been rebutted. 9:05 PM Oct 27th

How do I explain to this skinny 3-year old that her sitting on me ALL THE TIME interferes with my living? 9:29 AM Oct 24th

Canadian Imperial Bank of Commerce: I want to saturate your food with Ex-lax everyday for a month. . 10:26 AM Oct 22nd

Observation at 4-way stop: Men don't like being told by a woman that, actually? it's THEIR turn to go. 9:19 AM Oct 20th

7-year old just said, "I wish my initials were MC." "Why?" "So people could call me McDonald's." ??? 10:20 PM Oct 17th

Finally got around to paying speeding tickets. Mine AND my husband's. No one can say we're not a team. 7:28 PM Oct 13th

It's REALLY windy here. And no, I'm not referring to that bean salad I had for lunch. 9:19 PM Oct 7th

Cockroaches communicate through their feces. Why can't I be so talented? 7:20 PM Sep 29th

Went to wipe Lulu's bum and pee dripped on my hand. Was a bit grossed out. But then my earring dropped into the toilet. Perspective changed.  02:13 PM September 25, 2008

Old ladies wear pantsuits. That's just the circle of life. 9:48 PM Sep 21st

Poor Nutcracker Barbie. Her legs are so freakishly long. She must feel so self-conscious. 8:59 AM Sep 19th

Can anyone advise me on how to draw a "mangolet" for my 2-year old? Oh, never mind-- vague croissant seems to be exactly what she wanted. 9:03 PM Sep 16th

7-year old looking at old photos of us: "Mommy, why do you have that white makeup on your face?" Uh, that's just my FACE. 8:09 PM Sep 9th

These allergies are giving me the sensuous pleasure of sneezing 23 times a day. YOU ARE SO JEALOUS. 3:28 PM Sep 3rd



Too tired to think of any daily gratitudes.

Part III (apparently): Gay marriage and Mormons. (And now I'm done.)

I want to address a comment from my friend Katie and one from my friend Susan on Part I of this gay marriage discussion.

I believe I confused you all for a few reasons.

1.  I did not plan to write what I did.  I didn't sit and edit for hours like a good writer should.  It just poured out of me and I didn't have time to edit and edit and analyze the implications of everything I said and didn't say.  On such a big issue, that is a really overwhelming task and it's exactly why I took so long to write this.

2.  I was focusing on one side of an argument in post I because I wanted to show that Mormons are not necessarily objecting to gay marriage because they are heartless, ignorant beasts;  maybe a few are that way but most are not.  I knew that my lovely friends would comment in and say how much they agreed with what I was saying, reflecting more of the Mormon heart. 

I also wanted my close-minded Mormon friends to see WHY people support gay marriage.  One friend told me today that she was black and white on the issue before and after reading things on the internet, including my post, she no longer sees it as black and white.

THE CHURCH doesn't see it as black and white either, at least not in the sense that they think the battle is between good and evil.  BECAUSE IT'S SO NOT.

I confused Katie by focusing on the other side of the argument when I was on her Facebook page. 

I am perfectly capable of arguing a point so passionately that it seems like it's my point of view, even though if you read carefully, you'll see that I never said I believe all this stuff I'm saying about what other Christians think.  I was just trying to explain to her friends why most Mormons and probably other Christians believe as they do. 

3.  In part I and II, I left out a very important conclusion that I DID come to regarding this whole gay marriage debate.  I left it out because as a non-Californian, because the vote is over, because I haven't had a reason to pray about what I would vote, since it's not an option for me, I wanted to focus on bringing understanding and peace towards both sides of this emotional issue.

While I implied this information at the end of Part II, I want you to know this information about me so that you understand more fully who I am:

I believe the prophet of God has more insight into the future than we do.  I believe there could be other reasons for the prophet encouraging support of Prop 8.  While I hold firm to MY personal ideas relating to gay marriage, and these ideas seem very logical to me, as well as compassionate, I recognize that I don't know everything.  But what I do believe so strongly that I dare say I know it, is that the LDS church is the ONE true church on the earth and that the prophet would never lead us astray, because that would be like saying God himself would lead us astray.  Thomas S. Monson is a remarkable, EXTREMELY charitable man who did not rally for his position;  he obtained it by revelation.  He was called of God.

So, if I was called on to vote, I would have to pray about it even though my faith and understanding about the order of things tells me to follow the prophet always.  I shouldn't need to pray about it but I would because of everything I said in Part I.  In praying about it, if I felt to vote Yes, I would.  It would pain me.  I would do it without understanding.  But when my faith in the prophet's counsel trembles, more follows with it.

And while a part of me would like to live my life based on all my own ideas of things, while a part of me would love to live my life based on logic because I crave logic, my faith is what gives me breath. (And besides, not everything in life is explainable anyway but must be felt.)  My so-called "bigoted" faith is what has made me compassionate and, for the most part, non-judgmental. 

And I am adamant that NO ONE'S happiness is dependant upon my blessing.  Gay people might find it harder to be happy without California's vote but they can still be happy.  If Victor Frankl could find happiness in a concentration camp, if poverty stricken people can find happiness in India, then gay people can be happy without that piece of paper. At least happy enough that they don't have to encourage violence and hatred from people who will never agree with them no matter what they do.  Watch that Esther Hicks video in Part II.

Like I said in Part II: We have to agree to disagree.

Katie left me a link in her comments to SigningForSomething.com, which mocks Gordon B. Hinckley's book title Standing For Something.  I finally got around to checking out the website and I don't believe it's run by active Mormons.  These Mormons are fighting against the church and would likely have their temple recommends revoked.  So, this website is NOT an honest reflection of Mormons.  I think Katie was pleased to see it and impressed, but I don't want respect for my religion based on a fringe group.  You don't just resign from the church over something like this.  To resign from the church is the most serious thing you could do. It means asking your name to be taken off the records.  It means revoking every covenant you've ever made: Baptism and temple.  It means saying to the Lord, "Take my name off your record, I don't want to be with you."

You don't go from being a strong active member of the church to having your testimony completely fall apart over this one issue so much so that you no longer believe in any of it and want your name off the record.  You just don't.

I believe this site is a sneaky way of subverting Mormon faith.

I'm closing the comments here because I want to move on from this.  I don't mind people discussing the issue amongst themselves in the comments area of posts I and II.  But I don't want to be grilled regarding my faith.  If it would do any good, I'd offer myself up to you:  my heart, my mind, my time.  But it won't do any good.  The only way to understand is to walk in my shoes and the only way to do that is to be so inspired and the only way to be so inspired is to PRAY about it, not discuss or debate.

Plus, I've always wanted to say "I'm closing comments" because:

1.  It suggests a certain amount of confidence that I will get comments, which must mean I have enough readers and that is pretty cool.

2.  I'm a control freak and it just feels so goooooooooooood. 

xo,

N.

The End of Complacency

I was at our town's public library, at 4:24pm yesterday.  I never reach for the books because I have enough books I'm juggling at home.  I visit the magazine section because I can consume a larger amount of condensed info in a shorter time.

My hand quickly went to Time magazine, the post-election issue with Barak Obama's beautiful smiling face on the cover.  On page 18, Nancy Gibbs writes,

"Remember this day, parents told their children as they took them out of school to go see an African-American candidate make history. An election in one of the worlds oldest democracies looked like the kind they hold in brand-new ones, when citizens finally come out and dance, a purple-thumb day, a velvet revolution.  A hundred thousand people came out in red states to hear Obama;  a hundred fifty thousand turned out in purple ones, even after all this time, when they should have been sick to death of Hope and Change.  In Michigan, people put an electric fence around their yard sign to protect in.  NASA astronauts on board the International Space Station sent a video message encouraging people to vote;  they did, from 200 miles up.  A judge in Ohio ruled that homeless people could use a park bench as their address in order to register.  A couple flew home from India just to cast their ballots.  Obama's volunteers knocked on a million doors on Monday alone.  That night, a Florida official locked himself in the Seminole County election headquarters and slept overnight with the ballots to make sure nothing went wrong with the vote.  Early-voting lines in Atlanta were 10 hours long, and still people waited, as though their vote was the their most precious possession at a moment when everything else seemed to be losing its value.  You heard the same phrases everywhere.  First time ever.  In my lifetime.  Whatever it takes."

Isn't that moving?  Eleven days later, I still cry.

While there are things about the US I do not admire, things I believe need changing and have for a long time -- not just in these last eight years -- there is one undeniable fact about the US that swells my eyes and my heart with emotion:  The country itself is a living, breathing entity that has the power to bind its citizens together in a love and loyalty that is illogical and yet enviable.  It is a country of destiny.

Homeless people using park benches as addresses to register their votes.  People flying in from out of country in order to vote.  People waiting 10 hours in line.  Suddenly, the loss of value in so much-- the economy, housing, health care, education-- shocked citizens out of their complacent materialist slumber and like many tragic events have done in the past, brought to the forefront those values which are most important:  Unity, Hard work, Honesty, Frugality, Communication, Love.

Were I an American, I might be a dissenter.   But I would thrive on the passion I see in my national family and work to create changes of perspective, knowing its history of reinvention.  I would celebrate the opportunities that are brought about by hardship and subsequent renewed determination.  There can't be a rebirth without a death of sorts.  It's exciting. 

And if I were American, I'd order a lot of stuff online from Pottery Barn.

Daily Gratitudes

1. Jude won't let me pick up the dog poop.  He says it's not a job for HIS wife, that I'm too good for that.  AWWW.
2. My teeth aren't sore anymore.
3. My kids will ALL be going to school tomorrow.  First time in a week.
4. No flame wars on my blog.
5. My bed.

Part II: Gay marriage. Prop 8 aftermath.

I read this article in Meridian Magazine about the hatred and violence and vandalism directed toward Mormons because of their contributions towards the Proposition 8 campaign in California.  I am incensed at the hypocrisy and idiocy of people who have the equivalent logic of parents who smack their kids for hitting their siblings, saying, "We don't hit people!"

TELL ME, I beg of you, when has the gnashing of teeth ever swayed anyone from a firmly held opinion?  Hmmmm?

Here's what's been happening:

1.  A few years ago there was a vote in California over gay marriage.  Californians voted against it.  Gay activists were successful in taking the issue to the courts and a decision was found that there was no constitutional basis for denying the legality of gay marriage.  In other words, the constitutional interpretation of the court overruled duly passed law from the state legislature.  Concerned citizens of California were successful in having Proposition 8 added to the election ballot, which would make gay marriage unlawful.  People for gay marriage voted No, people against it voted Yes.  A majority of 52% voted Yes.

2.  Even though only 4.6% of the Yes vote was from Mormons, and even though the LDS church itself donated no money to the campaign, and even though more money was raised for the No campaign than the Yes campaign, MORMONS HAVE BECOME THE SCAPEGOATS for this decision, by the No campaign activists. (Trusting info found here.)

3.  "Yes" campaigners voiced their opinions by picketing, creating commercials, and distributing materials. 

"No" campaigners voiced their opinions by the same means and also by swerving their vehicles towards children who were accompanying their Yes on Prop 8 picketing parents, by vandalising LDS churches, by violating election laws, and by threats of violence. (Trusting info found here.)

When some crying Hispanic women attempted to remove the hate signs put up around the LDS temple grounds, they were beaten to the ground by "No on Prop 8" protesters.  The women were apparently not even LDS.

Here is an example of a commercial for the "Yes on 8" campaign:

Here is a commercial for the "No on 8" campaign.

This last commercial was not made by the OFFICIAL No on 8 campaign. However, it was broad casted by MSNBC and The Comedy Channel. 

Can you imagine a commercial being aired on tv mocking, deriding, and hating gays, Jews, Muslims, or blacks?  Why is it okay to do this to Mormons?  Simply because they were the single group ESTIMATED to have donated the most money to the Yes campaign?  They weren't the largest group of VOTERS!

"No" campaigners have been using fear and anger to power up their campaign-- fear of actual violence.  If something is true, shouldn't its truth hold all needed power of persuasion?  Shouldn't it stand on its own two feet?  Does it need to be shouted?  Does it need to be screamed?  Does it need angry hand gestures?  Does it need graffiti? 

Since when does goodness oppress badness with violence? 

The No on 8 campaigners and gay activists are using the LDS church as a scapegoat to deflect hatred away from themselves.  The majority voted and now the minority is angry to be the minority, angry to be looked down upon and judged, and so they're trying to turn someone else into the bad guy.  Oh, the power of distraction!

With our very visible "secret" temples and our past LONG AGO history of polygamy, our abundance of wealth, and our Proclamation to the World on The Family which we share openly, we are an easy target.  

Here's the thing:  Mormons believe that marriage is a holy sacrament from God that man has no power to touch.  Most Mormons believe that as something HOLY, it needs defending because anyone who tries to alter something holy is acting under the influence of Satan, no matter how pure their motivation.

Nothing that anyone says is going to change how they feel and the values and rights that make up the United States of America say that Mormons should not have to change that.  They have the freedom to believe what they want as long as they don't force their beliefs on anyone else.

And here's the thing that short-sighted "No" voters and believers fail to understand:  NO ONE IS FORCING ANYONE simply by taking part of a democratic process.   

There exists a marriage LAW.  Citizens of a democratic country have the right to vote on laws.  If you don't like the idea of majority ruling, maybe you should lobby to have marriage laws revoked altogether.  Maybe marriage shouldn't be under law.  Then, when you want a divorce, there will be no laws to protect you there, either, no way to decide a darn thing.

You can try to sway opinions.  You can talk things out rationally.  You can appeal to the compassion of others.  But there comes a point where GROWN FREAKIN' ADULTS need to agree to disagree and stop trying to change that which they cannot and just wait it out.

Instead of trying to combat what you view as hate by spreading more hate, like an unsophisticated kindergartener, accept your situation.  Don't you see how often in life Change waits for Acceptance?  God wants us to learn how to be happy despite situations that make happiness difficult.  God wants to strengthen our characters.  God wants to grow our patience.  God wants us to improve our communication skills.  Okay, so not everyone believes in God.  Even still, aren't those good values to have?  Don't these sorts of life experiences provide these lessons and help cultivate these values?  Isn't there always a silver lining?

So, for those of you who are so hurt and angry over the resulting decision from the Proposition 8 vote, may I suggest to you that you:

1.  Take a deep breath.  Have a good cry.  Hold your friends close and take comfort in their understanding.

2.  Stop hating people who are NOT contradicting your beliefs "out of hate" but rather because they hold sincere beliefs they feel they cannot edit at will.  Stop hating.  Try understanding and acceptance.

3.  Press on in what you feel to be your mission, having no expectation of outcome.  Appeal to the compassion of the human spirit.  Compile your data and strong argument but do not demand that it be heard.  Do not DEMAND anything.  People don't respond well to demands.

4. Maybe this video below will speak to you and give you a measure of peace.    I don't agree with everything she says but there are great lessons in this video.

5.  Look for evidence of love instead of evidence of hate.  If you open your eyes and heart to love from all sources, you may realize that where you only saw Hate, you now see Love.  It may be Love wearing a scarf of misunderstanding.  It may be Love wearing a hat of disagreement.  But, People, take Love where you can get it and don't demand that it fit your mold of love. 

The only way we are going to get through this and other challenges peaceably is if we take love wherever we can get it, turn our backs on hate, lower our voices, open our arms and accept that which cannot be changed, holding a hope for the future.  I highly recommend reading this talk by Robert D. Hales which outlines how to love and get along with accusers and enemies.

I love my gay nephew and my gay friends.  I do not think that homosexuality is disgusting.  I completely understand it, more than you know.  I know that God loves gay people.  If my children were gay, we would support them in their decisions with love and respect (not necessarily agreement but we wouldn't be loud about it) because we recognize that those decisions are between them and God and the only way to find peace is to choose acceptance partnered with hope.  We would welcome their partners into our home with open arms.  We would recognize that our children are not our property-- they are gifts. 

I also love my fellow Latter-day Saints-- they are my family.  I love the prophet.  I believe that he speaks the word of God.  I believe that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is God's true church.  I have had powerful answers to prayers to confirm this.  I know other Mormons who've had powerful experiences that defy all science, that confirmed to them the truth of this Gospel.  I know no kinder, more education-seeking, more generous, more peaceable, more long-suffering, goodlier people than "The Mormons".  No influence will stifle the church; no power will thwart the Gospel from going forth.  I strongly recommend getting to know the hearts and beliefs of Mormons, as they are everywhere-- in every position, in every town, in every school and the church is growing stronger and stronger.  They're not going away no matter what you say or do.

I strongly recommend that Mormons get to know the hearts of gay people, even if it makes you uncomfortable at first.  By reading the thoughts and feelings of gay Mormons or other gay people, you will not be sucked into a hole of wickedness or something.  By listening to them and considering how they feel, you will not be tricked into thinking gay sex is cool or righteous.  I'm not saying go hang out at a gay bar.  I'm not saying you should experiment with a gay make-out session.  Nothing bad comes out of understanding, so stop being fearful.  Fear doesn't foster love. Satan WANTS contention.  As a whole, gay people are only as wicked as you.  None of us is perfect.

The sins I worry most about committing?  Judgment, pride, and hate.

[P.S. This post was written in two parts. The first part was RIGHT AFTER I read that article on Meridian.  The rest was written after I had calmed down. So, if it seems like someone with a split personality wrote it... that's exactly what happened.  Exactly. ;-) ]

Daily Gratitudes

1. I picked a really stellar person to marry.
2. My kids are finally getting over their eye and ear infections and colds.
3. I have an adorable, good puppy who hops to me like a frog when I say "Come!" and clap my hands.
4. I like my house.
5. Books and magazines and our beautiful town library.

Gay marriage and gay Mormons

I can't keep my mouth shut any longer. 

First of all, I urge you to watch this video.  This video almost sums up how I feel about gay marriage.  There are a couple arguments he makes that I think are not solid but the gist of what he is saying is how I feel and I really appreciate the emotion with which he delivers it because I feel just as emotional about this issue.

Mormons are taking the heat in the aftermath of the Prop 8 vote but many Mormons have been conflicted over this issue.  I am one of them.

On the one hand, I believe that marriage is GOD'S institution.  Even in its civil state, it is a covenant given to man by God.  It is not for man to edit God's laws, period.  And a lot of people believe that.  Millions and millions, not all of them Mormon.  And nothing that anyone says is likely to change their minds, so opponents should find some way to disagree peaceably for all our sakes.

On the other hand, just because gay people call themselves married, just because the law of the land allows them to do so, doesn't mean God is going to recognize it.  And then isn't that between them and God?  If people insist on doing something God doesn't approve of, how is that MY responsibility or business??  Is calling themselves married any worse than having gay sex?

Oh, but then there's that argument about how gay marriage devalues the sanctity of marriage.  Can someone please explain how it does that?  How does anyone else's view of marriage affect your view of your own marriage?  If Bob and Joe's marriage makes you view your own marriage as less sacred, isn't that your own fault for letting your view be altered?  How can anyone else force you to feel a certain way?

My marriage is between God, Jude and myself.  How anyone else gets married has nothing to do with my marriage. Period.  OH MY HECK, HOW IS THAT NOT THE END OF THAT ARGUMENT?!

While I do believe it's a sin to redefine marriage, I don't believe that enabling other people to do that is a sin on my head. If they are so determined, I say let them be and stop this war.  If it were a sin to vote No on Prop 8, our church leaders would have come out and said that, else they let us commit sin.  Buuuut... they didn't.  Therefore, it's not a sin.  I think that's a reasonable assumption, don't you? 

(Don't you love the way I'm telling you how you should agree with me, making it hard/awkward to disagree with me?  Ya, I'm not trying to do that.  I'm just annoyed and passionate about this and this is how I talk in such circumstances.  Feel free to disagree if you think you have an intelligent point to make-- it fosters understanding.)

Many parents are worried that schools will now start teaching (have already been in some places, actually) that homosexuality is an appropriate lifestyle choice.  They are worried that normalizing something they believe to be a grievous sin will increase the chances that their children will experiment upon that.  This worry is not silly, in my opinion.  Doesn't it seem like masturbation is much more common now than back when kids were told they'd grow hair on their palms or go blind?  Masturbation is taught in schools as a normal activity and now it's a part of common conversation within tv shows.  I bet more women use vibrators unabashedly now than ten years ago.  Because normalizing something IS going to increase the likelihood that it will take place.

However.  Experimentation and defining oneself as "gay" are different.  I really don't think you can make a gay person by teaching them in school, here and there, that some people are gay and they get married. Premarital sex is taught in schools too, if not within curriculum at least by example from youth.  Evolution is taught in schools and that can throw a serious wrench into accepting Creationism, and therefore the existence of God.  Do we shelter our kids from all of this, though?  No, we encourage them to study and pray and make their own decisions, weighing all facts, faith, and alternatives.  Latter-day Saints believe strongly in education, not sheltering. 

The problem, as I see it, is that when we learn about something for the first time, we compare everything we hear afterward to our first lesson or impression.  If someone in authority teaches my son that homosexuality is okay, he may very well look upon my subsequent lessons on the subject with skepticism.  If this is possible, the solution is obvious:  Be the first to bring up the discussion.  Set the standard, as the parent.

What about legalized gay marriage ushering in the forcing of churches performing gay marriages?  Isn't it inevitable that our church would be forced to marry gay Mormons?

COME ON.  Think about that.  Didn't people just vote to keep gay marriage illegal?  Didn't that work?  Is the democratic process going to suddenly change or fail simply because civil marriages are made legal?  In the US, religious freedoms are protected under the constitution.  I know that the worry is that gay activists will make the argument that THEIR constitutional rights are being infringed, forcing churches to marry them.  But that's a fear with little foundation.  The foundation of the United States is religious.  Most Americans are religious.  There is NO WAY that American Christians would let that take place.  Most Mormons who voted No on Prop 8 would not vote yes for gay temple marriages.  A line will be drawn there.  We have to have faith in that and not act preemptively out of fear.

I don't understand why people like (seemingly) Laura Brotherson think that by not actively trying to dictate the decisions of others (gay marriage) that we're condoning their decisions.  I've complained many times about this attitude in the LDS church, and elsewhere, that if we don't voice our opinions on every wrong thing that we're implying we think those wrong things are right.  THIS IS NOT LOGICAL.  It is an emotional reaction.  We don't need to decry every evil thing, nearly every chance we get.  When it comes to decisions that adults make that affect their lives alone, we DO need to be tolerant and compassionate!  We don't need to believe it's okay.  We don't need to say it's okay when asked.  I don't even believe we need to vote that it's okay.  If we start with tolerance and compassion as a base for communication, it may present an opportunity later to share our views, maybe even influencing behaviour.

In the post after this one, I would like to discuss the hate that is being directed towards Mormons right now, particularly in Salt Lake City and California.  But first, I want to share some thoughts here about homosexuality, in general.

Firstly, the only agreement that scientists have come to regarding the cause of homosexuality is that there's no one cause.  It is thought that some people are predisposed to being gay, like they are being alcoholics or depressed.  Then different life experiences can create these strong inclinations.  Having a bad relationship with either parent, having a non-present parent (ex. deadbeat dad) or being sexually abused as a child, can all play a role.  This is the case with every gay person I know, except one. (I would totally link to studies right now if I had the links on this laptop but they're on my frozen Acer laptop.)

The point is, same sex attraction is not anyone's fault.  Our prophets have said this, too.  We do believe that it can be overcome for some people and many gay people have attested to this.  This infuriates the gay community because they think it's like saying there's something wrong with homosexuality, as if it's a mental illness or something.  But if people want to overcome those urges, whose business is that of anyone else's? 

That being said, there are many people who have tried to overcome who find it impossible and that struggle is breaking their spirits.  If someone dies a smoker who's been trying to quit for years, will they go to "Hell", just because they didn't succeed in quitting?  I don't think so.  Likewise, I don't believe that people who have tried to live a straight lifestyle, who've wished and prayed to feel straight but came up short, will go to "Hell".  Living gay can't be an automatic ticket to eternal condemnation for everyone because we are told that the Lord looks at our hearts and our efforts, far more than we mortals would.

I urge you, plead with you, to please read this comment from a gay Mormon. It is the most earnest, heartfelt, honest, thing I've ever read from a member of the church who truly believes that the LDS church is God's one true church, but who has reconciled himself to living a gay lifestyle.  It is the fourth comment down.  I can't comprehend how anyone can read this and not feel that he is being honest in saying that he's tried his best.  I know how compassionate I feel toward him;  isn't God's grace and compassion so much greater than mine?

The sin of a homosexual act is not the same thing as sex outside of marriage or adultery.  Gay people are not faced with choosing sex now or later (after marriage).  They are not faced with choosing between one person or another.  They are faced with choosing between an intimate, sexual, and completely spiritual in every way, relationship like straight people get to have, or none at all... ever!

If you have no personal experience with that kind of profound loneliness, I don't think you are in a position to judge.  If you have no experience with that kind of identity earthquake, I think you should stay out of it inasmuch as possible.

I can't help but think that if my kid was gay and had so much angst that he or she wanted to kill him or herself, I'd rather they give in to love.  I know that just because I feel that way as a parent, doesn't mean that the Lord feels that way.  But I think it's very possible that he does.  It's very possible that the Lord thinks of how he has our whole lives to work with us on our issues and if we go and off ourselves, that really complicates things.

For some gay people, this is how profound their pain is:  Death or Sin.

And while it's our church leaders' jobs to teach sweeping correct principles, is it possible that this "gay mormon actor" did receive comfort from the Lord when he decided to have a homosexual relationship?  Is it possible that the Lord, knowing how hard this man tried, knowing that he did everything his church leaders asked of him, even reparative therapy, knowing that he just might lose his entire will to live, sent his child a message of "I love you.  It's okay.  I will always love you.  I don't condone what you are doing because it's not a part of my eternal plan for you but I understand and we will work it out.  I will work on you.  I will be here for you and help you.  We'll figure this out."??

Only he and God know the answer to that. 

I hear church members all the time say things like, "I feel sympathy for gay people.  It must be hard."  But I don't think they really "get it".  I don't think many of them CAN "get it".  I think there's room for even more compassion and comprehension.  I don't think some people try hard enough.  Because there's always a "but" at the end of that offering of sympathy.  "....But, it's just so wrong/gross/weird."  Why must there be a "but"?  It's as if church members think that if, in conversation with other members, they don't say all the things they disagree with, people might wonder if they're kind of gay themselves! I've had this thought.  Like, if I'm too understanding, people might wonder if I swing both ways.

Enough with that small-minded, self-conscious stupidity.  Let empathy stand on its own two feet without leaning on moral outrage to protect ego.  Empathy and moral outrage do not need to occupy the same moment.  They each have their place in time.

Stay tuned for the next post about Prop 8 and the violence and hatred being directed towards Mormons....

(If you want to comment and you think your comment will be super long and you have your own blog, consider posting your comment to your blog while leaving a little comment here directing us to your post.  If some of my thoughts are very different from how you've thought of things in the past, may I humbly suggest you think about what I've said for a bit, mull it over, rather than responding with a kneejerk reaction.)

Braces: A chastity belt for your mouth.

I'd like to show you the photo that made me realize I needed braces but it's trapped on my Acer laptop.  When I turn on the laptop, I can't get the mouse to move over my user name to click on it to get to the Start menu.  This photo makes my gums look deformed.  You'll just have to take my word on it.

So, here is the only before photo I could find that would show the dark spaces in the corners of my mouth, which I refer to as my Rachael Ray smile, because my teeth were pushed in and they were getting more pushed in over time.

Here are some photos of the mold of my teeth before braces:

You can't tell that my teeth on the left side of this photo are as pushed in as they were.  See that middle tooth that's behind all the others?  When it was wired in to come forward to be in line with all the other teeth, it moved in three hours.  Ya, it hurt.

These are my top teeth.  Pretty straight.  But narrow.

MMMMMMMM.

The junk from my mouth.

I needed eight of these bands around my molars. Usually people only have four. The white stuff is the most bitter glue known to man.  The yellow stuff is the gunk that was leftover after I did everything I could to get my teeth sparkling clean.

And this is why I never got used to having braces.  Braces are disgusting.  I was constantly trying to flick food out from under the wire with my tongue.  I could never get every scrap of food residue out from those brackets. I'm really picky about having a very clean mouth. For as long as I can remember I've always brushed my tongue and the roof of my mouth every single time I brush my teeth.  80% of bad breath lives on your tongue, you know.  Jude says I didn't have bad breath but I couldn't help feeling a little bit icky even after flossing and using my special microfibre-ish toothbrush and my metal pick.

So, after 11 months and one week, I was so very excited to have this junk removed from my teeth.  It hurt a LOT to have everything removed because my teeth are still loose. It felt like Dana was ripping my teeth out while poking at the underlying nerves just for fun.

Now I have to wear this very tight plastic retainer for a year and then every night indefinitely.  It makes my teeth really shiny and gives the illusion that they're whiter than they really are.  My teeth stain easily and I've been unable to bleach them all year, so this is good.

I think this shows the bottom teeth better.  Although, do you see how the right side of my bite (left in the photo) is lower than the other side?

Daily Gratitudes

1. Duhhhh. MY BRACES ARE OFF!!!
2. Our insurance company paid for 60% of the cost of my braces, no lifetime limit.
3. That's really all I can think of right now.

Random musings

A bunch of random thoughts went through my mind as we drove home from the restaurant tonight.  Let's see if I remember them all.

1.  Grown ups really are little children inside.  On Sunday I read a line from one of my CTR 6 sunday school kids' reading for our Primary presentation that's coming up in two weeks.  My friend JQ wrote the whole presentation herself and this one line said that Heavenly Father knows that grown ups are really like little children who need lots of love and care.

And then we were listening to the song "Breakable" by Ingrid Michaelson on the way home.  She sings "We're just breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys."  Jude and I held hands and thought about how true this is.  How vulnerable we all are.

The more I live, the more mistakes I make, the more I hurt, the more I realize that I cannot judge other people for the decisions they make.  Even intelligent adults astound with the bad decisions they make as they search for peace, comfort, love, and the capacity they have for self-delusion is well, childlike.

Someone I follow on Twitter posted a story about a mom who bought a house she couldn't afford and said she found the woman "disgusting", not sympathetic.  After reading the story, I just felt for sad for this woman who was living in a fairy tale in her mind.  The banks who let her buy this house without even verifying her income are "disgusting".  This woman was just needy and pitiful.  And I understood.

So, I wonder, has the Lord given me all sorts of crappy situations to deal with in my life so I can be just extra compassionate?  Do I not have the capacity to be compassionate without actual first hand experience?  Because I'd be willing to try that, you know.  About the only thing I haven't experienced is spousal abuse and the death of a child.  And I'm not inclined to try either.

I'd like to think that if I ever did anything really stupid to screw up my life, that the people around me would realize that I'm a smart person who made a stupid decision out of need and self-delusion and would still love me because how the heck does it effect them anyway. 

Excuse me while I project imaginary stories into the future.  I do that sometimes.

2.  One thing I do is imagine what I'd do if someone broke into my house.  Well, I don't have a handgun because I live in CANADA.  I need to get a baseball bat.  One thing I'm sure I wouldn't do is cower in a corner.  I get fearless and angry in the face of a threat.  It's happened before, twice, that some drunken, threatening guy came to our door and while Jude had trouble waking up, I jumped up and barked at them forcefully through the window to get lost or else.  "Or else"?  Have you ever fought with a drunk person?  They kind of don't feel stuff.  I'm not logical when I get protective, therefore I need to plan it in advance.  I'm thinking I would charge downstairs with my baseball bat and jump on the person, tackling them in a rabid fashion.  If someone wants to break into my house and attack me or the kids, fine, but they'll have to rip me to shreds before I'll stop fighting back.

3.  Graceland by Paul Simon is a great song. Man, I love Paul Simon.  "Losing love is like a window in your heart. Everybody sees you're blown apart. Everybody feels the wind blow."  I love that African sound in music.  Jimmy Buffett has a song that starts off with that sound and it's great. Then he starts singing and ehn. It all goes to pot.  Don't tell Jude I said that.

4.  Jude has had three stalkers, if you count me. Just kidding. We only joke that I stalked him into marrying me. ("Best thing that ever happened to me," he just said all emotional-like.  Wuss.)  One was a woman he met a university office building he had to visit each day.  She worked there.  All he said was "Good morning" but she must have been watching The Princess Bride too much and thought it was like Will saying, "As you wish" because a mutual friend said she talked about him so much and so specifically that this friend thought PsychoKitten and Jude were dating when really, he didn't know her at all.  She was always comparing him to her ex-boyfriend who was a married man, saying that Jude looked just like him.

So, one day Jude was sick, coming into the office building.  Later that night, as he went to a night class, PsychoKitten peddled her bike five miles to the house he shared with four roommates, three of whom were female, bringing with her chicken mozzaball soup.  Jude's friend Diane answered the door.  PsychoKitten asked for Jude.  Diane said, "No, he isn't here. Is that for him?"  When she said yes and handed over the soup Diane said, "Thanks. Now leave our Bub alone."

Jude ended up having to get the university to move her to another location.

See, he was really hot back then and didn't know.  I think he's still really hot but baldness is an issue for some women.  Not me.  Dr. Phil is kind of sexy, even though he has a mustache.  It's his confidence and goodness that women like.  I know a lot of women feel like I do.

It's weird because I think I'm the "better half" of this relationship (it's okay, he's the first to say it) and yet he gets hit on WAY more than me.  I've even seen it take place in front of me at the gym when women didn't know that I was married to him.

I think he just exudes goodness.  He's a good man.  Masculine but totally non-threatening.

5. Will there be eating and sex in the celestial kingdom?  Some people think so because they'd like to think so. I'm not so sure.  Eating is for mortal bodies.  And if we do eat, just for the fun of it, will there be pooping, too?  I can't see that as being very heavenly.  If there is eating in heaven, we definitely won't be eating animals.  I'd be pretty sad to give up food.

And what purpose would there be for sex?  That's for making mortal bodies.  Okay, not just that but is the secondary reason enough to have it in heaven?

If there's no sex, food, or House in the celestial kingdom, I'm not sure I want to go.  I'm nothing if not hedonistic.  I guess I'm a work-in-progress.

6.  My dog likes me best. (That's the sound of me grinning you hear.) She likes it when I rub her tummy.  I like it when she jumps like a frog on our lawn.  That sounds like a good trade-off, don't you think?  And she likes to fart from the next room to let us know she needs to go outside.  That's talent, People. 

Daily Gratitudes

1. Working vehicles.
2. Music, music, music.
3. People generous with their kind words.
4. The softness of my children's skin.
5. The way Lulu's body still fits nicely in my arms.

Songs for you this evening.

Ever feel like being melancholy?  Ever get in a mood where you just don't want to be cheered up?  Maybe you have something from which you need healing and you think that crying will help purge the angst from your system?

No?  Um, ya, me neither... heh, heh. Ahem.

Well, here are some songs that do that for me, not that I would WANT to feel that way on PURPOSE. THAT would be weird... right?  So, ya.  That's not why I've been listening to these songs over and over.  I'm not depressed at all.  Noooooo.

(UPDATED:  I knew that song by "Ben Harper" was not Ben Harper. You can find it cited as such on the internet in many places but it's really Stephen Speaks and it's called Out Of My League.)

The Story of Red Bard: What would you do to keep your kids from heartache?

A little more than two years ago, we were relocating.  On a trip to the city in which my husband would work, we think we lost Red Bard on main street.  Red Bard was a Beanie Buddy and he got his name from Green Bard.  Green Bard got his name from Bard in Baby Einstein's Baby Shakespeare video, the kelly green dragon host.  And when wee Montana received a kelly green Beanie Buddy bear from my mom at Christmas time, naturally, he called it Bard, like the dragon.

I know, this is so fascinating, isn't it?

So, then Josie got a Pink Bard and Daisy got a Red Bard, to whom she grew VERY attached.  It was a family of Bards, except more commercial and less poetic.

She was beyond devastated when Red Bard was nowhere to be found.  I phoned the hotel. I phoned the real estate agent who took us from home to home and begged him to harass the home owners for us, which he said he did.  We phoned everyone whose house we had visited.  We never found Red Bard. 

I will confess something:  I cried and cried.  Jude would have if he did that kind of thing. I wasn't just sad for Daisy.  That bear represented her childhood up until that point and I had planned to keep it forever.  I felt like I had lost a piece of Daisy.

I scoured eBay for a replacement, knowing that this brand new, silky threaded bear would not compare to the ratty, limp bear that had little bits of white fabric lint from the dryer stuck to it.  We didn't realize just how well loved that teddy bear was until we saw the new one on eBay;  they didn't exactly look like twins.

The bear arrived in the mail and we wondered what to say.  Red Bard went to the spa and got spruced up?  Oprah sponsored a make over?  We found a time machine?  I was okay with a little fib.  But then Jude told an outright lie.  It was along the lines of the tooth fairy and Santa Clause but I've never even been really comfortable with those lies either. Still, not knowing what else to do, I let Jude tell almost 3-year old Daisy that Red Bard was on a mission for Heavenly Father, bringing comfort and love to other children who don't have toys and that he sent this new Red Bard to be with her.  Red Bard also sent a note, and a consolation puzzle.  Actually, he sent a couple of notes (written by Jude).  I know.  I know. 

(Jude wants me to tell you that this could have happened, that it's not for us to limit Heavenly Father's abilities and who are we to say a teddy bear could not become an animated missionary?  And if it could happen, maybe, possibly, then it's not a lie.)

But I loved that Jude would go to that length to heal Daisy's heart just a little.  In time, she came to love New Red Bard who came to resemble the well loved Old Red Bard and I was sure she had forgotten that it wasn't the original to begin with. 

But every now and then she will say, "Remember Old Red Bard who went to work for Heavenly Father?"   Or, "Red Bard gave me this puzzle.  (But I think it was really Daddy.)"

What would you do or say to ease the pain of a child too young to understand or deal with something?  What would you do to prevent pain for your kids?  How do you know when to let them experience hardship and when to cushion Life's blows?  Play it by ear?

This video below about what a dad would do to find his son's teddy is sweet and kind of funny at the end.  It reminds me of the book The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein.  We parents give and give many times without recognition.  The recognition is nice but we'd do it anyway even if that recognition never came.  True love is found where pride is not.

Also, the video has cutie Tate Donovan.  Remember him as Joshua on Friends and Rachel put on a cheerleader outfit and did some cheer that somehow gave herself a fat lip?  And there's another guest actor from Friends:  The guy at the dump with whom they argue is the apartment manager who practices dancing with Joey on the roof.

I watch too much television.

Daily Gratitudes

1. That scalp massage Jude just gave me and will continue to give me when he comes upstairs from tucking in Montana.
2. The Ikea dresser that did not fit in my front entrance because Ikea didn't put in the proper measurements now fits perfectly after cutting the top piece off so that it no longer hangs over the edges of the dresser.  It looks great and makes my life easier now that we have a place to organize hats, mitts, backpacks, etc.  And the knobs I bought separately are SOOO pretty.
3. JQ for letting me use her table saw.
4. Daisy seems better already after throwing up three times today.
5. I did not throw up myself as I was cleaning up.  Almost did. But then didn't.