I bought this crazy awesome Logitech universal remote. I haven't USED it yet but I hear it's crazy awesome. A friend of mine has the model one up from mine that I thought my kids would break and he says it works with his alarm clock from like, 1994 or something. You can make it work with your microwave. Why would you program your remote control to work with your alarm clock and microwave? BECAUSE YOU CAN. Duh. Then if you have guests over who don't know how to talk (my biggest people pet peeve-- worse than bad breath although not talking WOULD be good if you had bad breath) you could simply whip out your remote from it's 24k gold case with its fingerprint sensitive lock and show them what that baby can do. It's better than talking about the weather.
I mention a case with a lock because I have anxiety about this remote and its proximity to my four children. We ALWAYS lose remotes. I don't know what to do with this remote to make sure it's always findable but still usable for everyone. In the past we have duct taped a 3 lbs concrete weight to the remote so the kids would leave it alone. Amazingly, they never dropped it on their feet. We've also tried purchasing four of the same remotes and that worked great. And when I'm really rich and giving away enough money so as not to feel guilty about it, I'll buy multiple Logitech remotes. But as it stands now, I feel a bit sheepish about having ONE.
ANYWAY.
I bought it at Best Buy and the kid there told me that it was next-to-impossible to program. He said one of their super geeky tech whizzes at the store couldn't program it. So, I paid [an inappropriate amount] to have someone come out and program it to work my satellite, tv, dvd player, stereo and hey, maybe even my oven. Just 'cause. (I am told later by my friend that it's really easy to program but I don't trust computer geniuses to tell me what I'm capable of. DON'T YOU TELL ME HE'S RIGHT! I don't want to know.)
That was at least three weeks ago. No one has come or called.
So, this morning I phoned Best Buy. They weren't open yet. Their message said to call Geek Squad if I have a problem. Well, I thought, I do have this lump on my hip that's getting itchy and needs to be lopped off. Oh! And it was someone from Geek Squad that was supposed to program my remote.
The number for Geek Squad is 1-800-GEEK-SQUAD. Except that the number of numbers is superfluous. Whatever. I dialed them all because I wasn't thinking. I'M NOT A MORNING PERSON.
After just one ring, I suddenly heard moaning. THAT kind. This girl starts telling me how um, happy she is with what some "big guy" is doing to her. And I'm thinking, "Okay, these spoof advertisements have gone too far. I'm going to write Geek Squad about this. I shouldn't have to listen to this crap before getting to their option menu."
I've heard spoof ads like that on the radio. It sounds like some woman is really happy with her intimate life and then suddenly you find out she was just eating a yummy sandwich. So, I was waiting for her to say, "Oh, Geekboy, THANK you for getting rid of my viruses. I was sooooo bogged down with viruses."
But it got worse. I'll leave it at that.
My husband said at this point I surely must have realized it was a "party" line, because I'm not stupid (worded in such a way that it really sounded like, "Are you stupid, Woman?") I think I was just in shock. Because how likely is that you randomly, accidentally stumble upon ear p0rn? When it's a 1-800 number?
The problem with a number that's really a word or two and has more letters than you need, if you stupidly mean to dial all of them, is that if you leave one of the letters out accidentally, you still may get a valid number and the worst outcome of this, next to getting a drug house that has a wire tap on it or that psycho who's stalking you, is having your innocence taken from you.
Shut up. I could be sweet and innocent. YOU DON'T KNOW.
