Examining "Discretion"

My husband thinks I have little discretion when it comes to my life.  He thinks I should be more private.  I don't think he understands the degree to which I just don't care. 

This is a subject I've really pondered a lot and especially recently as I've considered starting this blog.  Toward the end of this post I'll explain what exactly has had had me worried.

First, I am so interested in what you have to say on the topic of personal privacy and how we present ourselves to the world, to friends, whomever.  Because I could be totally out to lunch and slow to "get it".  It's happened before. Once.  (...Annnnd that was a joke.)  I realize that "private" is a subjective term. By the end of the post I think you'll get an idea for what I mean when I use the word. I have highlighted in bold text the points on which I'd really like your opinion.

[As an aside, because this is my first post and I need to make some introductions, I need to tell you that my husband is really private (in case I didn't hint at that clearly enough in the opening).  And he has a job that lands him some death threats from time to time by people who would totally carry them out because they're stupid and criminal.  For this reason, I'm going to keep his name off my blog and instead call him... "Jude Law", or "Jude" for short. I like the name.]

Jude says that there's dignity to privacy. That's the only pro-privacy reason he's been able to give me.  Maybe the value is just hard to quantify.  But I tend to think that this intelligent man's struggle to explain his stance is because the only reason to be a really private person, safety reasons aside, is because of Pride.

People are private because they worry about what others think of them.  This is my theory.  They don't want to be judged.  They don't want to be gossiped about.  They don't want personal information used against them.

The thing is, people are judging us anyway.  With less information, the judgment is unlikely to be fair.  Why not make what we REALLY think, who we REALLY are, what we REALLY want clear for people?  Then, if they don't like it, it weeds people out.  Our circle of friends would become more meaningful if they knew what we really believed and thought and did and loved us anyway, right?

I'm usually very okay with being judged on who I ACTUALLY am or what I've ACTUALLY said (not just rumored to have said or be).  I can handle it.  For example:  If people think I'm crass or unfair for joking that Jude Law (the real one, not the pretend one) is my back-up husband, I don't care.  Maybe one day I'll be so evolved that I'll agree with them.  But right now, I don't.  It's a joke between my husband and I;  he doesn't mind;  I love my husband and think he's hot.  (And he wants me to add that he could totally beat up the real Jude Law, which is true.  But I don't love Jude Law because he's a beefcake. And certainly not for those ridiculous skinny jeans he wears.  Moving on....)  If people don't want to be my friend because my sense of humour makes them uncomfortable, well, my life just got easier.  If people want to think less of me because of something I've said, it totally doesn't matter.  If it's an honest reflection of who I am, and I'm okay with who I am... what's the problem?

I don't need everyone to love me.  My self-esteem is not dependent upon trickery. Meaning, I don't need to pretend to be something I'm not.   I don't need to be quiet because I'm afraid if I open my mouth people will think I'm stupid.  What if I AM stupid?  Aren't I valuable even as a stupid person?

For me, that's the key:  We need to be comfortable with the truth of who we are.  AND if people perceive us to be other than who we are, it rarely need affect us.  It can be inconvenient at times, sure. But there are always going to be people who will think unflattering things about us because it makes them feel better about themselves.  And there's NOTHING we can do about that.  Even opinions of people in overwhelming agreement do not define us.  If the entire world thinks we suck, that doesn't mean it's true.  It means we're lonely and we won't be successful in worldly ways.  BUT, if we're strong enough and our self-esteem is good enough, we can withstand that loneliness and find other value in Life itself besides the admiration of others.  We can still read books and gain wisdom; we can still develop our talents.

It matters what God thinks of me.  It matters what I think of me.  It matters what my family thinks of me.  And that's it!  Everything else is just icing on the cake.  If other people like me, if my life is more successful because of it, that's cool but I can't take it with me when I die.

Regarding what Jude said earlier, what is "dignity" anyway?  Dictionary.com's definition makes dignity sound subjective, dependent upon the opinions of others.

I'm not saying that we should share every dark thing we think with everyone and see how they take it.  I'm not saying we should be abrasive and attention-seeking.  I certainly think we should be as careful as we can be when it comes to the feelings of other people.

I just think we shouldn't censor ourselves because we're afraid of what people will think of us; it's not enough of a reason.   If I'm going to be successful in some worldly ambitions, I want to be successful for who I am and not who people think I am.  I don't want to have to maintain a facade.  I don't want to have to keep track of what I've said to whom.

My friend Stephanie Quilao writes about her experience with this sort of authenticity.  It really inspired me when I read it and I felt like we were kindred spirits. (Then, later I found out that we share the same birthday!)  I encourage you to read her story about getting hired on by Microsoft because of her blog.

(I'm getting to the point here, really I am.)

I love blogging, I do.  I have always written as a release.  I like to hear the opinions of others.  I enjoy a friendly debate.  And I love to share tips and websites I've found that I think people will enjoy.  I like being a positive influence when I can. 

I've been wanting to start up a blog like this for a while but I've hesitated because I know that I'm more open than a lot of people and that leaves me with the dilemma of whether or not I should share my blog with the people I know:  friends and family.  There are times when I'd like to write about stuff that I don't want everyone to know but for some strange reason, putting it "out there" is cathartic.  And strangers who read and comment can be very helpful.  (Maybe this is where I should explain that I've blogged before but took my blog down?)

And what if I want to say "damn"?  I'm Mormon and that's not setting a good example.  What if I let it slip that I used to eat Ben & Jerry's Coffee Toffee ice cream, despite our doctrine which says not to drink coffee?  Will there be people who were just about to convert who will stop in shock and run in the other direction because I didn't magnify the image they had of Mormons that attracted them in the first place?

OR, will it show that you can be a temple recommend-carrying Mormon and not be exactly like Jesus?  Will it be inspiring to some people to see a woman who is not perfect and isn't about to commit suicide over it or leave the church because of the pressure?  Will it be a testimony to the truth of my beliefs that I'm still here plugging along even though I don't relate to everything the church says? (Note that the word "relate" is very different from the word "believe".) Doesn't the fact that I'm a little more feminist than most Latter-day Saint women and still attend church every Sunday testify to the truth of it all?  Because why else would I be there?  Isn't it cool that I belong to a religion I don't always perfectly understand, out of a truly deliberate choice?  Doesn't that show humility and openmindedness?  And isn't that more important than whether or not I say "damn" or "hell"?

The LDS church is not growing quickly because there just happens to be a segment of the world population who doesn't smoke, drink, have sex outside of marriage, drink coffee or tea, says family prayer every day, etc. who found a church which happens to teach the same things they believe and so they joined so they could be closer to people like them.

The LDS church is full of all sorts of people.  Sure we behave in some very similar ways. But we have different political leanings, different habits, different childhoods that affect our behaviour, different personalities, different interests....  We're LDS because we know the Book of Mormon is truth. Period.  Not because we're all at the same level on our path to perfection.

I think I should be allowed to present myself as I am, based on what I'm thinking and feeling as I think and feel it, and have that be good enough.  I'm extremely far from perfect and no one is more aware of my imperfections than I am.  Depression plays a huge part in my life and affects my personality from day to day, darn it.  I can be wonky.

But I'm still pretty cool.  Most of the time I'm okay with my standard of "righteousness" because I know that I'm trying to be better and that's all that matters.  And I know that I rock at things other people suck at, like forgiving and being accepting of others.

My blog?  It's my journal.  It's who I am.  I have to be honest.

There will always be people I know who will read what I write and think that I just don't know when to shut up.  But there will also be people who will be affected positively by what I write and that's what I care about. 

Those are my thoughts.  If you have any, I really would love to hear.

Comments

[Jen Duguay]

Thanks for writing this. It is so compelling. I love the honesty and vulnerability. No one lights a candle only to hide it under a bush. You go ahead let your beautifully imperfect light shine from the mountain top - we need more light in this cuhraaazy world! :)

[Jennifer]

I would label myself as a private person. Intensly so, I go out of my way NOT to talk about myself in most situations. I have a fear of people knowing too much about me. I hate the feeling that someone may know something about me that I did not share with them. It bothers me pure and simple. The point that the writer makes:
"They don't want to be gossiped about. They don't want personal information used against them."
I agree, this in fact is the very reason why I choose to not share anything about myself with other people. These 2 things have happended to me both with results that left me devestated, depressed, and doubting my worth as a wife, mother, sister and friend. I disagree that people choose to be private because of pride. I think it is out of self-preservation.

I think that how comfortable you feel sharing things about yourself is tied to trust. Being my authentic self is a hard thing to do, because I have a hard time trusting those around me. I have other thoughts that I want to share, but I can't seem to get them down and have them make sense. I will comment again if I can get my thoughts down.

[Natasha]

Self-preservation is understandable, like I said. I'm sure that the need for it, however, is different for everyone and every situation. For instance, a friend of mine said that being private means you have more credibility in leadership positions. I could see that. I wonder, though, if it's also dependant upon the person's level of confidence. For example, let's say I've slept with 200 men. (I hope I don't have to point out that this is a ridiculous example and not based even a little bit on any truth.) And then I become the President of the United States. And later, it gets leaked by a bunch of people I used to work with that I once said at an office party that I slept with 200 men. There would be a media frenzy because Americans love to tear other people down. (Canadians too.) Then let's say I got up at a press conference and said, "Yes, I did say that and it's true. But I'm healthy, I don't do that anymore, haven't in a long time and that kind of behaviour is no longer in line with my values. It doesn't bother me that I've done that. Does it bother YOU? And if so, ask yourself why. Let me tell you why it shouldn't: I'm in office because I'm smart, likeable enough to get elected, and enough people believed in me. They didn't believe in me because they thought I was a virgin. It's because I have leadership qualities."

Look at George Bush. He had indiscretions. People knew that when they voted for him. (Note that I said "voted" and not "elected" because not everyone believes he got there by an honest election. I haven't made my opinion yet.)

Then look at Clinton. He LIED, oh he LIED. And it was terrile for him for a while.

Now look at Bush again. People hate him. And why? Not because of his drinking days. Not because of his draft dodging. (If I remember that correctly.) It's because they think he lied to get us into the war in Iraq. There were people who supported the war who are now so mad because they feel like they were duped.

I think that people don't like to be lied to. And it seems like people, even those in leadership positions, can be easily forgiven when they own up to their quirks, indiscretions, rude remarks, and show confidence in themselves. I think that leaders stay in leadership positions when they have real talent. If they get there because they know someone or people just LIKE them, then sharing the wrong info COULD be detrimental.

In summary, I think people who are confident and talented will get what they've earned whether they're super private or not. But... I have to admit, that I'm thinking mostly of Business.

There ARE super-conservative, traditional careers that make it really difficult for a person to be free and open with who they are and what they think.

As for other instances that have nothing to do with careers, is it possible that sometimes bad things just happen and that even if people don't use our true info against us, that there's always the possibility that they'd lie? Isn't the kind of person who would sabotage another over information the same kind of person who'd make up information?

These are just ideas I'm playing with. I want people with more experience than me to help me find the flaws in my thinking, if there are any.

[Natasha]

And I have to admit that I think context matters. I WOULD judge someone who just blabbled really personal info about themselves for no reason whatsoever. I don't know why. Culture? It could be that I just like to enjoy a little mystery and get to know someone over time.

If someone shares really person info as part of a story, however, I respect that. If there's a point to it, what's so awful about that?

And do really open people make really private people feel uncomfortable? And if so, why?

[Jennifer]

I completely agree that "the kind of person who would sabotage another over information the same kind of person who'd make up information", There are those around who are just plain mean. In my view there is no way you can get them to stop making up information, that is a choice they make. I personally feel better knowing that everything that person says is false because I don't give them information. Knowing they are making it all up makes it easier to ignore. Using true, personal information to sabatoge a person is in my experience nearly impossible to overcome, the damage they can inflict is so far reaching it can effect people far beyond what you would think. I guess I use the cliche "once burned, twice shy" to help explain my view of privacy.

[Carter Niven]

Some days I feel like you, Natasha. Some days I would like to shout my feelings, opinions and viewpoints to the mountaintops because I see them as being life transforming and critical to the human experience. But, on other occasions I want to shut the doors to virtually everyone. Information is a powerful tool that drastically affects people’s lives.

I remember a few months ago posting a few of my essays on my Facebook page. It was very much a reaction to a letter my father wrote me. As you know, I couldn’t honestly stay part of the Mormon Church, which decision understandably devastated my family. However, no one – not one person – wanted to understand why. Instead it was pretty much like: if you ever share anything about yourself we will have nothing to do with you. So, my father wrote of his disappointment with the way we are leading our lives and raising our children, and it made me so mad that they felt as if they can go about sharing, counselling, and admonishing, whereas I had to stay silent. So, I posted essays on my Facebook page.

It didn’t take that long before my friends started dropping like flies. My own sister dropped me at one point. It is difficult to face the reality that your friends and family cannot associate with you when you express ideas that our different from their own.

Another new development occurred when I got my new job this year. Because Facebook is so accessible to everyone – those who become your friends can get a window into your souls – or personality makeup – whatever it might be. I know that I look at people’s pages and look at their politics, religions, interests, books they’ve read, and groups that they belong to so that I get a picture of what they are like. A parent of a student I will have this year sought me out, and we became Facebook friends. I noticed right off that she was Liberal and Christian. I immediately thought of my own page – my religion said “Bright” – a coined word for atheist. Plus, the books I’ve read support my lack of religious convictions. We exchanged some messages but then I haven’t heard from her for a few weeks. Is it me? Is it her? Am I paranoid?

As much as I would like to stand and proclaim things to the world, I am in a world in which not only I must live, but my wife and children. I’ve decided to leave Facebook because I don’t want people’s opinion of me be based on a limited presentation of me. Although my Facebook page reflected my person, it still wasn’t me. I would rather people form their opinions of me by their interactions with me.

So, not surprisingly, I’ve written this response using my pseudonym. Those that know me well enough will know that it is me…and I’m OK with this because they know me. Those that don’t know me well enough or at all have cause to think without having their knowledge of me cloud their possible insights. My pseudonym is still me and allows for that emotion release honesty provides but protects my career, family and those that read from the responsibility of acknowledging that 2+2=4. Sometimes assumption is better than knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt.

[Peter]

Natasha,

This is a very interesting topic, and a timely one for me.

I have a blogging friend who was recently forced to take his blog offline because someone at his work (where he is in a high position) found his blog and sent a malicious email around his workplace. Ouch! So there are certainly cases where privacy should be considered.

Then this past weekend my Dad (who has been visiting from Australia) told me he "found" my blog a month ago. Ha ha! Well, while I probably would have preferred he didn't it hasn't really bothered me. I made a decision 6 months ago to start using my surname online because I was tired of feeling like I had something to hide. At that time I did remove one or two posts, but there is still a lot of personal stuff on my blog. I'm proud of my writing, so if people I know stumble across my site I am ok with that. I'm still a bit touchy about some of the career stuff on my blog, but I am trying to move to a different industry anyway where my blog will actually act as a resume rather than something I keep to myself.

Peter

[Natasha]

So you DO have a blog, Carter! I can't wait to check it out.

Well, it must have been a bit of breath of fresh air when I asked you why you left the church, listened, didn't judge you, and stayed your friend. I think you'll find the same with S.H., too.

I understand what you're saying about people getting a glimpse of you and not the whole picture, through Facebook. But isn't that the same with any interaction we have with people? We meet people, we chat a bit, we share a bit of personal info like where we're originally from and how we like long walks on the beach, etc. We meet again and talk some more.... I'll give it to you that people usually don't find out your political leanings within the first couple of meetings, unless they're drawn out and at a dinner party or something. But even my religion, most people find out initially. I inevitably say something like, "Oh, you know her, too? I go to church with her." It's natural conversation and gives them an opportunity to stay away if they don't like that about me.

If that student's parents decided she didn't like you, is that really a loss? Now you don't have to feel guarded around her. She already knows what you're about.

What if more students' parents found you on Facebook and didn't like what they saw? What's the worst that would happen? It's not going to get you fired. It's so hard to fire teachers in Canada. I guess your contract could not get renewed.... All of that is unlikely because you're likable. I find that people who are at peace with themselves and who aren't guarded are very likeable.

I think you SHOULD shout it to the rooftops. I think you'll be much happier as a result. Your family will come around. If they haven't been open-minded before, it's not going to happen overnight. That kind of major personal change takes time-- I know personally! The people who stick around will be true friends.

I never read your essays. I always meant to read one of them but the ones that said this or that about people who aren't around to dispute what you've said, I just didn't need to read. That's what your family needs to learn: they can take what they love and ignore what they don't.

I'm sure it will get better. I'll pray that it will. ;-)

[Natasha]

Peter,

I clearly don't know the situation with your friend, what he wrote about, what he does for a living. But I wonder, why the "ouch"? Did it hurt his career or just his pride? And if it hurt his feelings, why? Isn't it taking offense a choice we make? Do you think it's possible that we can have enough self-confidence as to not be embarrassed about the truth of who we are and what we say? I think it is.

I had a situation once where I had a website and I was trying to get press for my website. I was trying to create partnering relationships or at least get some good press from these businesses, which were also women-owned. Now, I have no idea why they turned me down. Maybe they just genuinely thought what I was doing sucked the toilet dry. But I had this sense that it was personal. Could it have been because of my blog and "virtual transparency"? I was never sure. So, I constantly edited myself. I NEVER mentioned I was Mormon and rationalized that this was largely because religion doesn't belong on a blog that's associated with a business. Religion's just too personal and upsets people.

I no longer have that business, so it's not an issue. I can say what I want. And the relief and confidence I feel is so much better than having that success I wanted. I always felt like I was lying just a little bit.

Now, if I needed those opportunities to make money and feed my family, that would be a different scenario.

Also, I ended up networking with a business owner of similiar level of success as the others who were ignoring me and ended up turning down a really fantastic opportunity with her. It was wonderful to talk with someone who also believed in authenticity and agreed that the online business world in Canada for women can be cut-throat and dishonest.

Is it possible that when we're honest and trying our best and giving out good energy that the right opportunities will come along and be more rewarding than that which we could have had if we posed and played the game?

[Carter Niven]

I truly wish I could be completely upfront with everyone. And, yes Facebook is similar to the interactions that we have one-on-one. However, the temptation was too great to display more of me than other people may want to think about. As my blog name suggests, life is a great conundrum, a question, a paradox, a struggle…but also a joy.

I think the greatest challenge in putting all your cards on the table is that we make sense of the world through labels (Haidt says it’s metaphors that help us understand the world – I’m going to get you to read his book whether you like it or not). We simply cannot deal with all the information that is coming at us, and so labels help us put things nicely into little boxes.

You’ve picked three labels to define your blog – of course you’ll talk about everything else, too. But, those three things are defining for you. People take those packets of information – everything they know about those things, and compose a picture of you of their own creation. Putting all three labels together might help them create a composite view so that biases towards one particular label has to be balanced with the other two; yet, they still define you based on their understanding of these labels. In my own blog, I define myself as: Canadian, Mormon, male, married, father, university educated, etc., and now non-believing religious atheist – and my last posted outed myself, so you can add to that list gay.

I pose an enigma for people, for I am a highly moral, educated, atheist in a mixed orientation marriage. People don’t use their head to think – they use their emotions and then their heads give them the reasons for what they are thinking (from the Happiness Hypothesis – people who have lost their ability to experience emotions find it impossible to make decisions). We judge with our gut and make up the reasons afterwards.

I appreciate your friendship…which makes me realize another important reason why we shouldn’t put all our cards on the table. Relationships require exchange of information. Those relationships that build are those that are willing to show increased trust and ability to share. I trust your ability to treasure the information I am sharing with you. When we lay all the cards on the table we make it challenging to build because there remains nothing to share. So, I appreciate your friendship.

[Natasha]

That was a comment full of things for responding, Carter! I'll work backwards.

Few people put ALL their cards on the table at once. It's kind of impossible. Maybe after a year or two, just about everything there is to know about me will be on my blog-- who knows? And one could argue that it IS then available for consumption in one sit-down meal. If people didn't want to know, they wouldn't have to keep reading, right?

Your point (Haidt's point)about how we put up labels to make sense of the world is a good one. The world is full of such a variance of people, maybe it's too mind boggling? We need to know how to feel and what to think about people? Interesting.

Of course I'll trust the info you've shared but you know that other people read this blog and can put two and two together, right?

If it weren't for Facebook, we never would have realized we were compatible enough to be friends, right? Wasn't it the fact that I lay so many of my cards on my Facebook table that made you realize I was cooler than you thought? I don't remember exactly how you put it.

[Carter Niven]

You make some excellent points – I definitely agree that my like for you increased as I was able to learn more about you on Facebook…I think I was attracted to your honesty and willingness to reach out to the very strange like myself…it gives me pause about rejoining Facebook.

As to those knowing the facts…well, it is somewhat liberating sharing things honestly. Claire (my wife) was eating with my sister-in-law who said that it was a topic of conversation in my family about my sexuality…so, I guess it is somewhat out of the bag. The interesting part, is that our families will probably discuss it with each other but not with outsiders – a dirty family secret!

I suppose if my wife can accept who I am other people should be able to as well. I’m just not sure if a public forum is the place to air out all the dirty laundry. You see, I’m still doing this with a pseudonym and will probably continue doing so. I enjoy being an enigma!

[Natasha]

I can't believe they'd even think to ask! I would think your situation would be outside most people's imaginations. When I can get Facebook chat to work, I have a bunch of questions for you! :-)

It IS liberating. Because then you look around and see who's still there. And those are the people you spend the rest of your life with.

Just yesterday I had a talk with a woman wherein I said that a mutual friend of ours knows all my deep, dark secrets. She said she looked forward to learning them too. I said later that I had a "best friend" for a few years with whom I discussed almost everything, but there were still things I never told her because I knew she couldn't handle it. I never told my "best friend" my deep, dark secrets. And look-- we're not friends anymore. Which just goes to show that I knew inside that she wasn't a true friend.

So, what if the reason we don't feel comfortable telling people personal things is that we know they wouldn't like us and want to be around us anymore? What if it's that simple (most of the time)? And we're afraid of being lonely and we'll take what measly relationships we can get even if they're not genuine because we sense that if they knew what we REALLY think, they would judge us and not like us??

[scandalicous suburbia]

What I gleaned from Natasha's post on authenticity (of which I am very proud of her) is that being yourself is a great service to your life and those around you. Yes, there are people out there that might rub us the wrong way - but those people should still be allowed to be who they are. We don't have to hang out with them, that is our choice. We probably rub a lot of people the wrong way, too. You can't choose how you are going to be interpreted, much about being human is subjective (to culture, preferences, beliefs, etc). What you can choose is who you are in the subjective world.

Now, a person who does not trust people probably lacks trust in other areas... do you trust the world? do you trust God? do you trust yourself? One day in one moment I had a sudden realization that it wasn't other people I didn't trust, it was me. I can trust that other people will let me down (but not intentionally always), they will judge me (because I judge them), they will do what is right for them over what is right for me (as I strive to). I didn't trust that I could handle it all. I didn't trust me. I think self-preservation is fear based - and fear in many areas is very healthy. But you can choose if you live in fear of the subjective judgment of others or if you live your own life and be who you are - trusting yourself to do and be YOU.

So a person leaves a church in which their family is deeply ingrained. (I have done this too). You feel guilt and sadness at the judgement of your friends and family. You close down. You have failed them. You have forgotten that there are also people out there that see you as brave - maybe people still in the church that want to leave. There are people that need you to lead them to be who they are. Others have been ostracized for being different in some physical way - they need strong people like you - they need a leader. For every group that judges another there is also a group that would welcome you in. And you are leading your family and children by taking a stand about something in which you believe. Not everyone has to agree with what you believe - but your actions are where you lead from, not your words. There is a group in which your actions make all the sense in the world. That is where you should be and that is where you will lead.

I don't think leaders should be super-human - true leaders become leaders because of their desire to be open and honest with their people. There is an amazing leadership quote by Lao-Tzu that says: The wicked leader is he who the people despise. The good leader is he who the people revere. The great leader is he who the people say, We did it ourselves. Leadership, to me, is about being a guide, a sounding board, a friend to the people that need you and sharing what truths you live with. Natasha and I had an experience with a really charismatic leader who the people revered. She seemed to be a good leader for a while - you can't deny Natasha. Until she started to feel omnipotent and untouchable - unwilling to share herself or admit mistakes. Due to what we believe was probably mental illness, she was unable to let go of her need to be in control - she didn't trust anyone but herself and so her ideas about us became a self-fulfillng prophecy. She didn't trust us when we deserved it - but in the end we took her business down so she probably feels justified in not trusting. (sounds dramatic, but it's a long story). The point is when we lead from within a group, mostly without intention, we are usually doing it from a place of truth about who we are. We feel this overwhelming need to be ourselves and find others like us and that is what makes a leader. That is why blogs succeed. People can relate to your stories.

As for facebook... if I know that it is just a snapshot of who I am, I believe that other people know that it is just a snapshot of who they are. Again, if they judge the whole me based on facebook it is not my business. They judge themselves, then, too.

Being yourself is simple. When you run up against fear - work through it. I have had a huge fear about putting myself on the internet - but Natasha inspired me to make "me" public through her own willingness to share who she is.

[Natasha Becoming Something]

Thank you, scandalicious suburbia (K.)!

That Lao-tzu quote brought tears to my eyes, for some reason! It's such a good one. Good leaders empower people.

I do agree that M, the leader, had a lot of really good leadership qualities; I was drawn to her for a reason. Ultimately, her fear and misguided ethics that were born of fear made those qualities moot.

Regarding your comment about a person leaving a church: Some may judge him as having made a terrible decision, some may view him as brave. Both are just opinions. There may be an ultimate truth there but it's not opinion that decides truth. Sure, it feels good when we find people who agree with us-- I certainly liked reading your comment! :-) But we must be careful to realize that when it comes to truth, there's no majority rule. I know you don't disagree with this, K. I'm not arguing. Just adding to what you said.

I do agree that self-preservation is fear-based and living out of fear is not very joyful. But, at the same time, a certain degree of fear is sensible. I ALWAYS have my front door locked. Some people would view this as paranoid. I'm not cowering in a corner, I just like to be cautious. I have important people to protect and locking the door is not a hard thing to do. It's a habit now. I have not been able to decide for certain my opinion on being private for reasons of self-preservation. I don't have the experience to see how far-reaching these decisions can be.

[scandalicous suburbia]

As for Ultimate Truth. I hear you. I think that Ultimate Truth is mostly still subjective guesses and opinions until we KNOW - which probably doesn't happen until we die.

The variety in religion exists because of different opinions and experiences and the belief in that one specific theory enough to spread it. Religion succeeds because people buy into other peoples opinions. I have my own opinions, which seemed original to me at a young age (but in the context of my childhood). Funny thing is I can find thousands of books on my personal belief system. The books are other's opinions from the context of their life - but it resonates with me. How do I know Absolute truth - well I feel it is, but I can't honestly know. It's belief; which is any cognitive content held as true. Belief does not make it true. And I have gobs of belief in my theory.

So, yes, both (original statements) are definitely personal opinions. A person can become empowered by finding something that works for them and by surrounding theirselves with others that believe in it too. So, leaving one group that didn't work for you (this can relate to any groups - mommy playgroups, sports teams, etc.) is the beginning of finding a group that does. When you know yourself well, and practice authenticity, you can find a perfect place for yourself in this world of an infinite number of options.

[Robert]

I think I have commented on all but two of your posts, but I find each one I've commented on very compelling and thought-provoking. I have taken some of the same criticisms about my blog (sister, as reported by father, "He's crazy to write all that stuff." uncle, as reported by father, "He's got personal information on there! I don't see why he acts like this stuff is a secret and then shares it with the world!" - for the record, I never treated what he's talking about there as a secret). Still, I treat my blog as my journal in very many ways (as I wrote recently), and I think most people who are bothered by it just wish they had the guts to share so much about themselves. In the end, though, it doesn't matter why they criticize, and it doesn't matter that they do. I still enjoy it.

As for what you said about the church, I'm totally with you there. As a convert myself, I often find myself explaining to people "That may be what you read somewhere about the church, but that does not mean it is true, and it does not mean I said it." Now, if they're quoting a scripture to me and asking me, then I very often share my interpretation of it, but I don't feel a need to quote Spencer W. Kimball. If something a General Authority said happens to come to mind, I might share it, but I am much more comfortable sharing my own thoughts and feelings, along with my testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel. Whether others are comfortable with what I say should not affect what or how I say it. I appreciate so many of the members of our little branch who share their testimony unfailingly in this community that has so many anti-Mormons in it because it helps me remember what you said: it's not my job to make everyone like me. It's my job to do what's right and it's my job to love myself. Whatever people decide to think of me is irrelevant.

Great post. Sorry I took this long to get down to it, but it took me a while to read the whole post.

[Natasha]

Robert, you're adorable for apologizing.

I'm working on a spin-off post from this topic, in my mind. Because I still haven't worked it all out and I really, really want to hear the thoughts of other bloggers. I'll get to it by Sunday, I'm sure.

Was this post a hard read? One friend who's smart but not a big reader couldn't get through it all. Then I edited it a bit to make it more readable. Was there a spot that confused you or made it hard to follow? If so, I'd like to fix that. :-)

Thanks, Robert! Sorry I haven't gone through much of your blog yet. It's been a busy week here. I've been blogging in a bunch and then setting it up to publish on different days.

[Robert]

It wasn't a hard read, I had just read all your other posts (and most if not all of the comments) by then, and it was late, then I got busy on the days in between, but I could tell this post was very interesting so I came back to it. I don't think there was anything you need to change. If I'm not reading your blog over the next several days, it's because I'm at a conference all week and may not have the brainpower left after it to read anything else. I've added your blog to my list on my blog, so I can catch up later.

[Rusty Southwick]

Very profound thoughts. Excellent analysis, Natasha, and very well reasoned. What a way to get the whole blog rolling!

>> People are private because they worry about what others think of them.
Yes, I would concur that this is probably one of the main reasons, stemming from insecurity.

A few things that people generally shouldn't be ashamed of:
• What they believe
• How they feel
• Random thoughts in their head
• The uniqueness of their personality
• Who they are

We can be rightly ashamed of things we've done, then repent and move on without wallowing in it. We can use those experiences to resist temptation in the future and possibly help others to do so, though I suppose it would depend on the setting and the circumstances. Helping others to overcome alcoholism might be a good thing for some to announce, while discussing things that involve the privacy of others probably wouldn't.

And as you say, full disclosure about one's past isn't needed.

>> Why not make what we REALLY think, who we REALLY are, what we REALLY want clear for people? Then, if they don't like it, it weeds people out. Our circle of friends would become more meaningful if they knew what we really believed and thought and did and loved us anyway, right?
Makes perfect sense. This is particularly troublesome when courting, because if you're trying to be someone you're not and are just putting on airs to impress your date, then those you'll be most comptable with might not recognize the compatibility.

I think people do worry too much about what others think of them. While there is a level of importance attached to earning the respect and trust of others, we shouldn't be acting in an unnatural way to try to appease them. We should be ourselves, and let the chips fall where they may. Life is way too short to try to wear a bunch of different masks. If you don't like who you are, work on making your real self better, not trying to run away from who you are.

I personally believe that much of what we do in life is in pursuit of finding our own identity. We latch on to categories that might lend themselves as appealing or that have status. If I characterize myself as a male, a member of the church, a parent, a BYU grad (one can only wish), etc., does belonging to any of those "clubs" really put a better light on me, and do any of them truly define me? It's interesting that often when people are introducing themselves or are asked to tell a little about themselves, they go to their occupation either first or second. I'm a doctor. I'm a businessman. I'm a lawyer. Do any of those automatically tell you anything substantive about that person? (other than that he's really busy? just kidding) No, they just tell you what he does, but not who he is. Belonging to a club doesn't make you better or worse. There's no accomplishment by association.

If you make $60,000 a year and I make $30,000 a year, does that enhance your cause? Does that make you more "prestigious"? Naw, they're just labels, but they don't really represent us. We judge each other in society in various ways. "Success" is a buzzword that can conceal more important things. We'd love to be able to quantify achievement and worth, but those are all futile attempts.

>> If people want to think less of me because of something I've said, it totally doesn't matter. If it's an honest reflection of who I am, and I'm okay with who I am... what's the problem?
Exactly. It's their loss. If we spend much of our time trying to please everyone, then we can never please ourselves or please God. While we can be compassionate and caring and try to present a good example to others, a lot of people are still going to take it the wrong way, and if we spend much of our energy on them, then I think we're doing a disservice to those who are more loyal to us in the first place. I can do everything in my power to try to live my life the way I believe I should, and many people will still look at me as being self-righteous, or arrogant, or stuffy, or proud, or goody two shoes, or pompous... and they never realize that these thoughts could all be in their head in the way they perceive me. They can't measure my intent or know my heart.

>> I don't need to be quiet because I'm afraid if I open my mouth people will think I'm stupid. What if I AM stupid? Aren't I valuable even as a stupid person?
Precisely, Natasha. People are so often paranoid about how they compare to others intellectually, in appearance, in wealth, in athletism, and on and on. Being stupid isn't a crime if you're genuine about it and making your best effort. Besides, when it comes right down to it, stupidity manifests itself in a myriad of ways, of which we are all more adept than we'd like to admit in one way or another. We all have our defects and our strong points. Just because someone is more outgoing than I am doesn't mean they're "better" than me. I'd submit that no one is really "better" than anyone else. What we'll ultimately be judged on by the only true Judge is how true we are to ourselves and how much effort we put forth. Some have gifts that we don't, but so what? If I have five kids and someone else has two, nobody important is really keeping score.

So what this all boils down to is that if we really don't need to worry about comparing ourselves to others, then we shouldn't really worry about revealing a lot of things about ourselves to others. The scriptures do say to not cast our pearls before swine, true, but I know a heck of a lot of people who aren't swine, and so then what would be my excuse in not sharing with them?

I started a blog a month ago, as a way to express myself and give back to others. If some people take it the wrong way and think that I'm tooting my own horn, that's their problem. I can't be responsible for views that aren't my own. (Hey, I should write that one down)

>> It matters what God thinks of me. It matters what I think of me. It matters what my family thinks of me. And that's it! Everything else is just icing on the cake.
Amen to that, sister.

>> I love blogging, I do. I have always written as a release. I like to hear the opinions of others. I enjoy a friendly debate. And I love to share tips and websites I've found that I think people will enjoy. I like being a positive influence when I can.
I think it's working. It's good to put one's thoughts down. We're supposed to write personal journals and personal histories. Others around us will be all the richer for it, and will have a better sense of their love for us and our love for them.

I like sharing opinions with others. I don't feel threatened when we might not have the same opinions. Differing opinions doesn't make one right and the other wrong. Both could be right, or both could be wrong. But being right isn't what makes a person valuable anyway. By sharing ideas, we can all learn from each other. And it's OK to disagree with someone. That doesn't mean you don't like them or that you think they're inferior to you or that you don't accept them. People should revel more in their differences, and they would if they were more comfortable with their own beliefs. My opinions can change, and I'm sure they will, but it won't affect my core convictions about life. It won't upset my spirituality to be corrected on a philosophical point. That's why we're all here on this big round globe together, so we can all glean the best of each other, and rise together.

I remember Madeline Kahn, the former actress, once said in an interview that we seem to spend so much energy trying to hide ourselves from other people, but why? What's the big deal? What are we afraid of? She was the refreshing kind of person who wore her heart on her sleeve — what you see is what you get. And wouldn't the world be a better place if more people operated that way?

So, while I want people to like me, they're going to have to take what they get, because like Popeye, I yam what I yam. I'll do my part by trying to be my best self, but if that's not good enough for some people, I'm not going to lose sleep over it. I care about what those who truly love me think, and I know that they love me unconditionally.

Such a deep topic with many aspects to it. Thanks for bringing it up, Natasha. I like the way you expressed those things.

[Natasha]

Phewf! Thanks, Rusty. It's nice to have people agree with you. And at such length! If I ever start commenter awards, I'm confident that you'll get the award for longest comment. Hey! Brilliant idea: commenter awards. Then, it will encourage people to comment.