Canada Post, just when I think you can't get more inept, you set new low standards for yourself and then fail to achieve them. Let me tell you what happened most recently.
I sent a gift package to my friend Heather, who lives in a major metropolitan city, on July 14th, filled with lots of handmade goodies purchased on Etsy. I purposely addressed it to Chris AND Heather H_____ because I know your success rate for getting my packages to the right location is very low-achieving. I figured two names would help narrow it down a bit for you.
When Heather uncharacteristically didn't Facebook me to thank me, I just KNEW that you dropped the ball again. Heather told me that three different people on her street have #20 on their house. That makes zero sense at all and is really setting you up for failure so I made sure to insure the package AND require a signature confirmation. Remember those two words: signature confirmation.
I checked my tracking number today and it said it was delivered on the 25th. Surprised, I thought that maybe Heather was too busy with the new baby to write me. I wanted to phone her to confirm receipt but didn't have her most recent number so I phoned her mom, a good friend of mine who's usually home when I call especially now that she quit her miserable job at CANADA POST. But she wasn't home, leaving me to phone 411.
411 didn't have a listing for "Chris & Heather H____ or C. & H. H____" but they DID have a listing for a C. H_____. I took it, knowing full well that "C" could have meant "Charles", "Cathy", "Cher", "Coco", "Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs"...
Here's how our conversation went:
Guy: Hello?
Me: Hi... Is Chris there?
Guy: No, sorry. This is Randy.
Me: You mean, a Chris H____ does live here?
Randy: Yes.
Me: (Thinking, Okay, but it can't be the right one because I'm sure they don't have some gruff-sounding guy living with them and their two kids.) Chris and Heather?
Randy: No, Chris and Amanda.
Me: Oh, okay. Wrong number then. Thanks....
Randy: Wait! Did you say 'Chris and Heather'?
Me: Uh, ya....?
Randy: I have a package here for a Chris and Heather.
Me: YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.
Randy: It's from a Natasha _______.
Me: (In shock.) Oh, I know. That's ME.
Randy: Wow.
Me: Ya. But the package had a signature confirmation on it. Did you sign for it?
Randy: No, they just delivered it right to the door.
Me: Argh! They do this regularly to me. That's why I required the signature. UNbelievable. What are the chances I'd get a number from Information and it would be the one house that has my package?
Randy: That's pretty miraculous.
Me: Ya. What's your address?
Randy: [Address totally not even close to the one on the package.]
Me: Um, is that close to the one on the package?
Randy: No. They actually crossed off the address that you had on here and wrote our address on here.
Me: YOU ARE FREAKIN' KIDDING ME!
Randy: No. Maybe it's because Chris and Amanda just got married and they got a change of address.
Me: Okay, but their names are DIFFERENT and my friend's address it not the one that your friends moved from!
Randy: Ya, it's weird. Well, if they want to come pick it up, I'm here all afternoon.
Me: Thank you so much! They shouldn't have to go pick up their own package, though, geez. It already took Canada Post two weeks to get the package to the wrong house only 1.5 hours away from me. It's a good thing I didn't mail that puppy I was considering. It would be in a bad way by now.... I'll give them your address and phone number. Thanks!
So, naturally, I phoned you, Canada Post. I bet there are some people who like to complain and vent their stress away who would have paid good money for the opportunity to phone you on my behalf because the error was just THAT unjustified.
While I waited for a representative to take my call, your waiting message thingie let me know that if I have something I need to ship, you can deliver it "anywhere in Canada or abroad". Um, no you can't, Canada Post. I hate to break it to you but... NO, actually I'm happy to break it to you: You suck. I get my neighbours' mail and packages regularly and if I was not an honest person, I would have kept house number 103's package of ProActiv and wished for some acne just to try it and she would have been totally out that purchase because it wasn't tracked, coming from the US. I saved your back, there, Canada Post. What have you done for me, lately? You certainly didn't take that signature confirmation thing I paid for as sacred stuff. You were like, "Ah, maybe I'll get a signature, maybe I'll deliver it right to the house, maybe I'll bring this package home, put it in a dress and cuddle up to it in bed."
Canada Post? This relationship is not working out; I'm just not that into you. You're kind of weird and you give me a dirty feeling like those "party line" commercials that always interrupt Jay Leno's show. (They're fitting because Jay can't go one show without joking about p0rn.)
I asked the representative if you could pick up the package and deliver it to the right address. He sounded embarrassed and apologetic when he said, "No. I'm sorry. They can't do that."
So, we can zoom in on the Palace of Versailles from our computers and even my friend K. in Kalamazoo's house, and we can pause live television, but Canada Post can't send someone to drive a truck to a house, pick up a package and deliver it to the right address? No. Because you're not a privately- or publicly-owned business; you're a Crown corporation and YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ME. You've made that abundantly clear.
The next time I want to ship a present to someone, I'm going to call Purolator or UPS or my friend's really smart dog or a homing pigeon. I bet I'd get more accurate delivery confirmation from a homing pigeon.
